Disclaimer: when the road is called up yonder I'll be hair
Okay, look, I know that isn't a real disclaimer, but give me a break. Congress cut disclaimer subsidies real hard last year, and it's been real hard on good, honest fanfic assholes like yours truly!
(Today's Case: Raditz and Nappa are back to sue Vegeta for general negligence. Vegeta will probably attempt to counter-sue Raditz and Nappa for general debilitating laughter.
Plaintiffs: Raditz and Nappa
"All rise for a guy who hasn't changed his guitar strings in over two years," said Android 18 to the din of a silent crowd. Justin entered swiftly and sauntered directly to his station.
"It's true you know," he said after sitting down, "the strings on my fender are so damn rusty, they look like-"
"Hey, the case," 18 said, "let's get on with it."
"What's your big damn hurry?" Justin asked. "What happened to us? You and I, we never talk anymore."
"This is the second time we've seen each other in months."
"Well, yeah, because you never call!"
"I didn't get your number. Even if I did, I wouldn't use it."
"Sheesh, no wonder we never get along! Well, fine, if that's how you're going to be, what's the case for today?"
18 took another look at the case file to make sure she had it right. "Raditz and Nappa are suing their former boss, Vegeta, for his negligent management style."
"So they're suing him but not Frieza?"
"You're going to have to ask them about that, not me. I don't even know who Frieza is, really."
"What?! How does that even happen?"
"I know who he is in theory," protested Android 18. "But I don't, like, know what he looks like or anything. At least, until I saw him in the court in person. Look, the point is, Dr. Gero didn't give me any data on the guy."
"Alright. Well, just send the case people in. Jeez, you talk too much."
"YOU- ugh, fine." 18 was not in the mood to reprimand her idiot boss- that would come later. Raditz, Nappa and Vegeta entered the court and sat at their respective desks.
"Now, Nappa," said Justin, "why don't you tell us what the deal is?"
"Your Honor, Vegeta's a dick," said Nappa. "He murdered me and refused to try to revive, uh…" Nappa stopped to look at a scrap of paper on his desk. "Reddit! He wouldn't revive him!"
"For God's sake, Nappa!" whined Raditz, who was seated right next to the large saiyan. "It's Raditz! My name is Raditz! We worked together for years and years!"
"Look, Rabbits," Nappa said calmly, "this is no time."
"But, anyway, as I was saying," Nappa pulled out another slip of paper. "It says right here in this contract we all signed right after the destruction of Planet Vegeta, 'Prince Vegeta is responsible for ensuring the well-being of all of his lieutenants. This includes, but is not limited to, Nappa, the Saibamen, and Rabies."
"IT'S RADITZ, GOD DAMN IT!"
"Yeah, Rodentz, that's what I said!"
Raditz collapsed back into his chair, defeated, one solitary tear falling from his eye.
"Vegeta, it's your turn," said Justin.
"I never signed a contract like that. They're lying."
"Nonsense!" Nappa interrupted. "Vegeta's the only liar here!"
"Nappa, you blasted idiot! You know as well as I do there's no way I could have possibly signed that contract because…"
Justin looked at Vegeta expectantly. In fact, most of the court room did. Vegeta hadn't felt this put on the spot since the time Frieza beat him up in front of the earthlings. "Well, why couldn't you have signed it? What kind of proof can you offer?"
"None!" Nappa interrupted. "Isn't that right, Raiden?!" Raditz just sighed and nodded his head.
"Well, okay, what does the contract say, Nappa? What if Vegeta violates the contract?"
"In that case, we are entitled to three things: one, strip him of his rank in the saiyan hierarchy."
"Which is completely useless now anyway," Justin noted.
"Two, he is forced to apologize and declare himself a pawn to the whims of the surviving subordinates' families."
"And those people are all dead, so again, completely useless."
"Right. And third, most importantly, we are entitled to his debit card and PIN!"
"Oh, bullshit!" screamed Vegeta. "You didn't even know what those were until you came to Earth!"
"Yeah, I gotta call bullshit on that last one, too," Justin said. "How would Vegeta even have a bank account to plunder after his planet was blown up, unless you knew in advance he was going to settle down on earth?"
"Look, Radish and I didn't write the contract, we're just trying to hold Vegeta to it."
"Fair enough. Well, Vegeta, unless you can provide adequate proof that you didn't sign the contract, I'm afraid I have no choice but to let this case be determined by-"
"LOOK," thundered Vegeta in such a loud voice that Justin nearly fell off his chair, "THE REASON THAT I COULDN'T HAVE SIGNED THAT CONTRACT IS BECAUSE I AM ILLITERATE. I CANNOT READ OR WRITE. NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME. ALL I'VE EVER DONE FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE IS TRAIN AND FIGHT. SO THERE. FUCK."
"Bulma," said Justin as he eased his hands away from his ears, "is this true?"
"Oh, yeah," Bulma answered casually, "I thought it was pretty common knowledge, actually. I've tried and tried to teach my husband how to read but all he does is get bored and go train. Personally, I think he should be found guilty just so his punishment can be to learn literacy."
"As much as I am amused and intrigued by that idea, given the new evidence, I have to say the scales have tipped into Vegeta's favor. Nappa, Raditz- uh… where'd they go?
"Well, that didn't go entirely as planned," Nappa admitted while Raditz flew along next to him away from the court, "but don't worry, we'll get that damned Vegeta next time, Roberts, just you-"
"ROBERTS?! ROBERTS, REALLY?! OH, FUCK YOU! THAT'S IT! I'M FINISHED! YOU GET YOUR OWN DAMN REVENGE!"
And with that firm rebuke, Raditz blitzed away from Nappa, leaving the bald man in a stunned stupor. "Whoa. Uh… who on earth was that?"