Disclaimer: Pongin'Ball Z, the offshoot of DBZ where all of the characters solve their problems with pong instead of super-powered martial arts, is not this author's jurisdiction. Hell, he's too lazy to even remember the rules of Pong.

(Today's Case: Nappa has decided that he's bald because the overly long-haired Raditz stole some of his hair.

Plaintiff: Nappa

Defendant: Raditz)

"All rise for the unholy fusion between Patrick Stump and Patrick Stump's ass," 18 demanded of spectators within the court, who humored the formality.

The judge entered through the double doors and took his place. "I'm probably giving myself a little too much credit by saying I look anything like Patrick Stump, but eh, I get to write this shit."

"No one cares. Wanna hear today's case?"

"I'd like to say 'no one cares' to that, but unfortunately, someone cares. Read the case."

"Nappa is suing Raditz for stealing his hair."

"Great fucking case," Justin said with a slight whine. "Honestly, can I just get one murder or rape in this fucking court? Don't get me wrong, those are both abhorrent, but I'm fucking getting bored here."

"I'm just surprised you recognized Raditz's name."

"I recognize the guy's name, but when it comes to picturing him in my head, I always draw a blank. It's the strangest thing… oh well, send them both in."

Nappa and Raditz walked into the courtroom and sat where they were expected to sit.

"Now, Nappa, we're going to start off with you, because I find comfort in a routine. Tell me why you're here."

Nappa pointed at Raditz. "He stole my hair."

"Okay. And you, uh…" Justin examined the face of the defendant for a few seconds before the proverbial light bulb went off above his head. "Gene Simmons! Wow, didn't expect it to be you! Well, how do you respond to these allegations?"

Raditz, who was wearing a Gene Simmons mask (think: the one Happy's grandma wore in Happy Gilmore) in order to have some form of identity in the courtroom, cleared his throat and spoke. "I didn't do it."

"Wow! How do you speak with your tongue sticking out a foot like that?"

"The power of rock and roll…?"

"Thank you. Well," Justin sighed, "we appear to have us a standstill, don't we? Nappa says Gene stole his hair, Gene says he didn't. Both are very, very convincing arguments. It looks like this is shaping up to be one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time. Hey, Nappa, maybe Amelia Earhart stole your hair."

"I don't know who that is."

"Don't feel bad, Amelia doesn't know who she is either, because she's dead. Oh ho ho! Alright, Nappa, do you have more proof that Gene Simmons stole your hair besides just your own testimony in court?"

"Yes, I do," and Nappa pulled a Ziploc bag out of, uh… somewhere underneath his armor, I guess they have pockets or something, and displayed it to the court. "This hair was found at the scene of the crime all those many, many years ago."

"Pass it over," said Justin, and Nappa did just that. "So, Nappa, this is supposed to have happened decades ago, but you've been carrying this hair around in your pocket this whole time? Not gonna lie, dude, that's pretty fucked up, but I guess Gene has probably dealt with a lot creepier things in his lifetime."

"I haven't been carrying it; I stored it in a locker on one of the Frieza planets!"

"Then why did you wait so long to bring this to trial?"

"I was too busy committing mass genocide across the nearby universe."

"Ahh. I remember using that excuse in high school."

"It's not an excuse! My genocide is very well documented!"

"Point taken. Wait a second…" Justin, in a display of tampering with evidence, pulled the hair out of the baggie and looked back over at Raditz. "This doesn't add up. The hair in this baggie is like fucking five feet long, but all of Gene's hair just goes down to his shoulders! Nappa, how do you explain that?"

"Well, it's obvious he stole my hair when it was really long and then got it cut. I mean, duh."

"Oh, now he's getting lippy. Nice. That's no way to make friends, asshole. Gene, do you have anything more pleasant to say that might help rid you of these accusations?"

Without a word, Raditz grabbed his mask by the hair and pull it off. The entire court gasped. Goku made the "DUN DUN DUUN" sound with his mouth, while next to him, his wife wondered just how on earth someone as stupid as her husband ever figured out how to have such amazing sex.

"My God!" Justin stared at the defendant's desk. "The defendant's disappeared! Without a trace! 18, I need you to search the-"

"Oh, shut up, It's Raditz, he's sitting right there."

"Uh, with all due respect, Bailiff 18, you're a dumb poopy head. There's no one sitting in that chair except oxygen."

18 squinted her eyes, glaring daggers at her hapless boss. "Why don't you shut up and let someone smarter than you handle this for once?"

"I might be inclined to do that, 18, except I don't know of anyone like that I can ask."

The bailiff's eyes narrowed even further. At this point, she looked a lot like Brock from Pokemon. "Just sit there and play with yourself, I'll take care of it."

"Ooh, that's something that involves my two favorite things: playing and me! You got it, bailiff!"

Justin started to do unspeakable things to himself underneath the podium while Android 18 took over the courtroom, stepping over to Raditz's desk. "Do you have any more evidence to present?"

"I'd like to ask Prince Vegeta for a testimony."

18 looked over at Vegeta, who shrugged. "He didn't do it. I watched Nappa go bald myself, it started when I was a little kid. Raditz never went bald, that shit load of hair of his."

"Thank you. That wasn't difficult at all. Raditz, I, the surrogate judge, find you not guilty."

"Yippee!" Raditz squealed. He was mostly just happy that somebody acknowledged his existence.

THE END