Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, but I own you.
NOTE: AS OF DECEMBER 17th, 2010 THIS FANFIC IS BECOMING SELF-AWARE- I MEAN, BEING TAKEN OUT OF SCRIPT FORMAT.
Now, before we start, this fanfic is not just a big middle finger to the whole Yu-Gi-Oh series, but mainly to the authors who write really bad Mary Sue fics. Also, it's a big send-up to the whole American Yu-Gi-Oh series. Take a joke if you don't like it. And if you do like it... well, whatever, I guess. I'm not crying, I've just got something in my eyes. Not like you can tell anyways. Moving on...
It was your average, normal, nothing-out-of-the-ordinary, sunny, cloudless, usual, same-stuff-different-day, no-sir-ain't-nothing-going-to-happen-that-doesn't-usually-occur day in Domino City, AMERICA, not JAPAN you bastards, but AMERICA FUCK YEAH! The birds were mating, the trees were blowing, the buildings were... mating. Yugi and Yami, SEPARATED, not together, no siree, but SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER LIKE AMOEBAS, were hanging out with their ungodly fucking ass-load of friends, none of whom are really worth mentioning or giving lines to. They were having lunch at the ever popular Generic Cafe right after school, which is not worth mentioning either, had let out for the day after all of two minutes.
"Boy-howdy-zippity-doo-dah-golly-gee-willickers, guys!" squeaked Yugi. "I love my privileged life as a card-playing geek with a senile grandfather! It sure is nice to have good friends who will never, ever, ever leave you alone, EVER!"
"Yugi, careful," Yami warned his boyfri- err, hikari, "you might hurt yourself or pull something (other than my penis) by talking too loud!"
"I agree, Yugi!" That Tristan Dude that Nobody in their Right Mind Cares About contributed. "And that's all I'm going to say, because I really don't exist!"
"I'M ANNOYING AND PREACHY," Tea began as loudly as a human being could possibly be without imploding, "AND I'LL ORDER ONE GENERIC BURGER, UNLESS IT HAS EEEEVIL ANTI-FRIENDSHIP KETCHUP ON IT! ALSO, NO ONIONS! ONIONS ARE SPANISH FOR LOVE IS BAD."
"I'll have me three Generic Burgers," ordered Joey in his trademark horribly broken Brooklyn accent, "because I eat a lot and I need the cholesterol to fuel this flea infested sperm sock made of Play-doh and dog shit I call a brain."
Bakura studied the menu for an excruciatingly long time. "You know, I think I'm going to order A GROUP HUG FROM MY BESTEST FRIENDS!"
The whole Yu-Gi-Oh gang got off their stools and came together to have a group hug, which was totally adorable no matter how many times you are forced to stare at it like a sun going super-nova. Really. I am dead serious. However, there is one villain who believed otherwise in Domino City...
"That's the fourth time you guys have group-hugged each other!" yelled the angry, fat and ugly Cafe Owner with no wife or friends. "You've run all my elderly customers out, the people outside are staring, and my cat just had a seizure! Either all of you order your food or leave!"
"YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO DESTROY OUR FRIENDSHIP!" an angry Tea declared, pointing.
The Cafe Owner face faulted, which only served to make him even more of a hideous monster. "What the hell? Look, you-"
"DID YOU JUST CURSE IN FRONT OF MY YUGI?" Yami, who is totally not gay no sir not at all what would make you think that, blasted.
"No, I-" But, alas, before Mr. Café Owner could finish his dumb sentence, a mysterious, adorable, mysteriously adorable and adorably mysterious girl in the Café mind blasted him like a muh.
"Hey, guys!" She waved at the Yu-Gi-Oh gang after killing a man.
"Oh Mylanta," chirped Yugi, "who are you?"
"I'm Mare E. Soo." The girl took a cheesy bow. "You can call me Mare."
"I'm Tristan!" The guy who should not be talking introduced himself.
"I am Yami," said Yami all overly-serious like.
"Oh, goody-gumdrops, I'm Yugi!" exclaimed Dorothy- erm, Yugi.
"Hello, I'm Bakura!" Mr. Rogers- uh, Bakura, introduced himself.
"I'M TEA," screamed the friendship bitch who gets bashed in about 65 percent of all Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction, "I AM NOW YOUR FRIEND. WE WILL JOIN FORCES TO ABOLISH MEANNESS AND, IF THERE'S TIME, GO SHOPPING!"
"Hi, I'm Joey, (INSERT SOMETHING STUPID OR AWKWARD HERE)."
"He he he…" Mare giggled cutely but nervously, "it sure is a thrill to meet you guys, even though you should be thrilled to meet me, because I'm a very famous pop-star who also happens to have the perfect deck and a yami that comes out at very predictable moments."
"Hmm…" Joey attempted to do this wild, off the wall activity called thinking, "I'm a little doubting of this extremely powerful new chick, but I am strangely very attracted to her..."
"Well, guys, I'd guess I'd better go, but you won't see me until some impossible-to-defeat ultra-mega-villain shows up and I arrive in the nick of time to destroy him with one flick of my fragile-yet-oh-so-mighty wrist." Mare said, leaving the Cafe. "Oh, and if I feel like it, he'll have tentacles and he'll pick Yami up, but when I destroy him, Yami will coincidentally land in my arms. See you guys later!"
"Good bye, Mare!" Everyone in Yugi's group yelled simultaneously.
"Swill knickers, guys, it sure was PLEASANT to meet her!" Yugi practically sang.
"I dunno…," muttered Joey, "I have an odd feeling about her, and not just at my virgin groin…"
TO BE CONTINUED O MY GOSH
In the next exciting adventure, Mare and the gang meet again… at a most unexpected time! BWAH HA HA!