Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN YU-GI-OH, YOU MAGGOTS! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
The standoff continued unabated between Mare and the Yu-Gi-Oh group. Mare could have just run away by now, but they would have realized her weakness had she done that. At this point, the idle threats toward one another have transformed into awkward small talk.
"Well, willickers-lucky-charms, it sure is warm in here isn't it?" Yugi observed.
"Yeah, it's warm if you're wearing tight-ass blue pants and have deadly hair," Kaiba smirked.
"You, my good sir, are unpleasant."
"Boohoo. My widdle feelings are hurt. I doubt I'll recover from that one, you ugly little super-saiyan hobbit."
"Haha, you watch DBZ, you geek," Yami laughed.
"You're all so... MEAN!" T-T whined.
"Shut up, bitch." Mare shot at Terswtaw or whatever the fuck, who even cares at this point.
"Shut up, bitch."
A brief moment of silence. "My nuts itch," Yami growled to no one in particular.
"I could scratch them for you!" Mare suggested loudly.
"Good idea, you'll incinerate them," Kaiba chuckled.
"GRR! WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?" Mare shrieked. "I'm SO ANGSTY!"
Meanwhile, back in Finley Land, Yami Bakura had busted himself out of Finley's house and started wandering around town. He walked into the city and realized something very important.
"These are some REALLY UGLY people!" Yami Bakura noted. "My dear God, look at the noses on these... THINGS! I thought it was just Finley! Oh, that one's shaped like a tru- IT IS A TRUCK OH SHI-"
Well, anyway, back at the funeral parlor, the stand-off continued.
"So, how long have we been standing around?" Kaiba asked himself, checking his watch.
"Roughly the amount of time it takes for you to finish up in bed: 0 seconds." Joey sneered.
"And how would you even know that?"
"You're mom told me so."
Kaiba walked over to Joey and looked him right dead in the eye. "My mother was a carnival worker who ate glass and drank poison. She had AIDS so bad, it was expected that half the AIDS in the world would die with her, and she was also rendered mentally retarded not long after my birth. Way to hit that, Romeo."
"...You're doo doo."
"I'M STARVING!" Tea screamed out of nowhere.
"Good," said Mai.
"DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOU IN ANOTHER DUEL WITH MY FAIRY DECK!"
"You have a hairy dick?"
Tea's ungodly loud manner of speaking finally woke up all the old people. Since they were all confused, scared, and soiled, they picked up their canes and sought after the first person they saw: Mare.
"H-Hey," Mare stuttered, "what are these zombies doing?"
"Zombie!" one of the old men exclaimed. "I'm a civil war veteran, you ungrateful little (COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH GARGLE HOCK HOCK SPIT EWW) ...whippersnapper!"
"Eww, get away from me! You're all non-perfect and stuff!"
"We're a-gonna make you PAY for you actin' all UPPITY in church!" the man's wife promised. "Devil child!"
"Stand back! Go away!"
"Why don't you destroy them?" Kaiba asked in a dull voice. "Aren't you really strong or something?"
"Uh, yeah! That's right, you get back before I attack!"
"Yeah right, you're just a little girl," another old man scoffed.
"I'S JUST A WHAT, BITCH?"
"You wouldn't hit an old lady with glasses, would you?" some old lady in the back joked.
"IMMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZER!"
"IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZER! SHOOP-DA-WHOOP!"
Let's get back to Yami Bakura. The truck narrowly avoided him, and now he was riding with the gentleman in the truck.
"So, who are you?" The man, who was a therapist, asked.
"I'm the master of thieves, BAKURA!"
The truck skidded to a halt without warning.
"Are you off your meds?"
"What the fuck are meds?"
"I hope you are," The therapist took his glasses off. "I think that's SEXY!"
The therapist left the car and walked over to Yami Bakura's side. The thief jumped out of the truck and started backing away from the therapist.
"You stay back, I was already almost raped once tonight!"
"Well, with a fine-ass body like yours, I'm not surprised!"
"You shouldn't be doing this, you're a therapist!"
"I'm not a therapist, silly, what gave you THAT idea?"
"That's what it says on your shirt!"
The man laughed. "Oh, that doesn't say 'therapist,' that says 'The Rapist!'"
He continued to inch closer. "Now, come here, girl!"
"I'm a guy, you dink!" the outraged Yami Bakura countered.
"What?" The rapist exclaimed, stopping. "You can't be serious!"
"I am. Couldn't you tell?"
"No, I couldn't. Well, you can just start walking; I don't pick up hitchhiking faggots."
This outraged the spirit of the ring even further. "I AM NOT GAY!"
"Whatever, you'll probably rape me or something."
The Rapist drove away, leaving a disturbed and confused Yami-Bakura in the dust.
"What is wrong with this hellhole world?" Yami Bakura wondered out loud, walking in the opposite direction. "Jesus, no wonder Finley is so screwed up!"
Back in Yu-Gi-Oh land, Mare was dead from being beaten to death with canes. Her final words were "OPS I SWALLOWD MAH LAZER." Yes, I am a total geek, and I actually hate that meme. But Finley, and by extension Mare, did not. The old people left a happy Yu-Gi-Oh gang in the funeral home.
"Yes!" Yami did a fistpump. "We did it! We defeated the evil Mary Sue!"
"STOP CELEBRATING!" scolded Kaiba. "Finley still lives! She'll just create another Mare and deceive you again!"
"Dergnerbit, Kaiba, no she won't!" smiled Yugi. "We're smart to her now, anything she dishes out, we can take!"
Tea was crying. "WHAT YOU GUYS DID TO HER WAS AWFUL! YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED!"
Ishizu rolled her eyes. "Zip up your stupid mouth."
"THAT'S IT! YOU BIG MEANIES AREN'T MY FRIENDS ANYMORE!"
"Well, in that case, break out the Heineken!" Mai exclaimed.
Everyone cheered. "HOORAY!"
"Hey, I wonder whatever happened to Bakura?" Tory (trooper?) wondered aloud.
As if on cue, Yami Bakura fell out of nowhere, smelling of dog urine and fear.
"ARRGH! I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT SHIT HOLE AGAIN!"
"WHERE'S BAKURA AT?" Yami screamed at the thief.
"You mind-crushed him, numbnuts!" Kaiba answered for Yami Bakura.
Suddenly, a big hole opened up in the ceiling and Bakura and Yami Marik fell out.
"YES!" Yami Marik's turn to fist pump. "Sweet victory!"
"Mare's gone!" Bakura pointed out the obvious. "When you guys beat her, everything that happened when she was around was turned back to normal!"
"Okay, that definitely calls for some marijuana," Mai declared.
"No," Yugi protested, "don't you see, marijuana is EVIL! Snickers, guys, I can't believe you would even consider that-" (CLUNK CLUNK)
"What was that?" Joey asked Yugi.
"…My balls just dropped," Yugi reported in a remarkably deep voice. "Give me a beer."
"He sounds like John Wayne, now!" Ishizu gasped.
"That's hot!" said Mai.
So, let's recap shall we? Yugi just became a man, and Ishizu and Mai were about to introduce him… properly. Joey… was taking away absolutely nothing from this. Kaiba wasn't either. Nobody was going to ever remember Theodore's name… whatever it was. Tea was no longer part of the "cool club," and Mare was gone.
Or was she?
Deep in the bowels of Finley's room, Finley began to write out another Mary Sue.
"I will craft an even MORE beautiful, MORE charming, and MORE powerful character than ever before.," she schemed. "But, I'm just so sick of Yu-Gi-Oh. What should I do next? ...OF COURSE! Inuyasha! I will make the ultimate Inuyasha character, and I will make her like a GODDESS! HA HA HA HA HA!"
"Shut the hell up!" screeched Finley's mom. "I'm trying to watch 'Real Sex' down here!"
THE END… FOR NOW
Okay, so this is the end of Pa-Ro-Dy Sue 1, but it's not the end of Pa-Ro-Dy Sue. Check out the Inuyasha section for part two.