Season Three, Episode Six:
I Do, or In which various faintly ridiculous things happen, and Pickett is angry a lot
Scene opens on a FLASHBACK. KATE is in the BATHROOM, taking a PREGNANCY TEST.
WRITER #1: Remember way back in season two when Kate told Sun she'd taken a pregnancy test? Well, this is it!
WRITER #2: We can tick that one off the list!
PREGNANCY TEST: Don't worry, I'm blue! I mean, a minus sign. Whatever means negative on a pregnancy test these days.
KATE: Whew. Must be cancer. That's a relief.
Slightly LATER, she brings KEVIN an ICED TEA.
KATE: Oh, you're working so hard! What are you doing?
KEVIN: I'm afraid your pretty little head wouldn't understand.
KATE: Drink the tea!
KEVIN: I'll drink it a little later, I'm not so—
KATE: No, you need to drink it now!
KATE: Because I added a little drug—I mean…lemon, and I want you to let me know what you think.
KEVIN: Oh. Well, okay then.
KEVIN: Not really tasting the lemon.
KATE: I'm a criminal. I blew up my father. I've been on the run for years.
KEVIN: Huh. So you're a fugitive. I'm a cop. Not exactly a match made in heaven.
KATE: But face it, hubby… I'm really hot.
KEVIN: I want a divorce!
Kate begins to CRY.
KATE: I tried. I actually tried. I thought, "This is a decent man. The genuine article." I thought if I had everything then I wouldn't want…
KEVIN: Heinrich the Security Programmer?
KEVIN: Um…never mind.
KATE: Can people ever change?
KEVIN: Depends on the person. I'm guessing when the pain of this fades away, you'll just go back to being what you are…a brilliant, beautiful, evil, double-crossing snake.
KATE: My name's not Yolanda—I mean Saffron—I mean Monica!
KEVIN: Never entered my mind it was.
KATE: You won't tell anyone about me breaking down?
KEVIN: I won't.
KATE: Then I won't tell anyone how easily I drugged you.
KEVIN: I'll take that as a kindness.
KATE: And now I will put your mother's gold heirloom necklace into your limp fingers, thereby making at least slightly important the heretofore completely useless scene with the mother-in-law and the necklace! Bye bye now!
Back on the ISLAND, JACK and JULIET are preparing for the OPERATION on BEN.
JACK: You need to do absolutely everything I say!
JULIET: Power trip much? (Kill Ben.)
JACK: No, I am not on a power trip, I'm just a completely brilliant doctor!
JULIET: Uh-huh. (Kill Ben.)
JACK: Don't you take that tone with me! I am brilliant!
JULIET: Don't we look funny in these surgical masks? (Kill Ben.)
JACK: I gotta go, your subliminal messaging is giving me a headache.
They go into the OPERATING ROOM.
BEN: How do I look in my paper robe?
JACK: Nice. Very nice.
BEN: Don't be creepy.
JULIET: So, ready to die—I mean…be cured?
BEN: Oh, yes. Jack, I trust you completely.
JACK: Reallly? Even though you're the man responsible for all the hostilities me and my friends have endured on this island? And you are currently holding me hostage and threatening my friends with death?
BEN: Water under the bridge.
JACK: Whatever, Benry.
BEN: You are annoying.
JACK: Is it really wise to insult your surgeon?
BEN: Do you have any friends?
JACK: Seriously, Benry, I'm holding a scalpel.
BEN: Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
JACK: Let me tell you a story about my competency to make you feel better.
JACK: So this one time, I was operating on a sixteen-year-old girl, and I accidentally sliced open her spinal somethin', and there was angel hair pasta—
BEN: Where'd the pasta come from?
JACK: Her spine.
BEN: She had pasta in her spine?
JACK: And then she died.
BEN: Because of the pasta?
JACK: No, because of how I accidentally sliced open something I wasn't supposed to.
BEN: This makes me feel so much better.
JACK: So, it's time for you to fall asleep and go under my knife!
BEN: Wait! I changed my mind! Stop the…fuzzy bunny slippers…
He FALLS ASLEEP.
TOM: What'd he say? "Stop the fuzzy bunny slippers"? What does that mean?
TOM: Huh. Oh well.
JULIET: Here's the nice sharp scalpel, Jack! (Kill Ben.)
JACK: Stop that!
PICKETT: Ben's unconscious, I can go murder Sawyer now! Luckily for me Sawyer and Kate are so stupid they didn't even try to escape even though they totally could!
TOM: Do you really think murdering Sawyer is such a good idea? I mean—
PICKETT: You were a lot more commanding when you were a guy in a beard on a boat.
TOM: I know. I cry myself to sleep every night.
PICKETT: And now let me deliver the ONE LINE in the entire episode that internet freaks will obsess over.
PICKETT: Jacob's list! JACOB'S LIST!!
TOM: Did you just say something about JACOB'S LIST?
PICKETT: Yeah! I said that JACK WASN'T ON JACOB'S LIST!
WRITERS: Gosh I hope we were subtle enough there.
Pickett STORMS OUT to the CAGES, where it is RAINING in an appropriately DRAMATIC fashion.
KATE: We're still here!
WRITERS: It's supposed to be symbolic because Kate's finally stopped running! Have you no literary soul?
AUDIENCE: Screw this, we're watching American Idol.
KATE: Please don't kill Sawyer! I love him!
PICKETT: Yeah, well, good job on trying to save his life then.
KATE: It's symbolic!
PICKETT: Yeah, well, all the symbolism in the world won't save Sawyer now!
Back in the OPERATING ROOM, JACK is being very DOCTOR-Y.
JACK: Scalpel! Clamp! Aspirin! Screwdriver! That other thingamajig!
JULIET: (Kill Ben.)
JACK: Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. Woops, I think I just dropped the screwdriver in there somewhere…
JULIET: (Kill Ben.)
JACK: Hm…I think I just accidentally sliced open his kidney something-or-other…
JULIET: (Kill Ben.)
JACK: Oooh, idea! I'll pretend I sliced open the kidney thing on purpose! And then I'll do some masterful maneuvering in order to free Kate! Because that is how good of a person I am!
JULIET: Sooo…does all that mean that Ben dies?
JULIET: Well, then I'm all for it!
Jack PUNCHES a RANDOM PERSON.
JACK: And that was just for fun.
TOM: I'm gonna stand here with my mouth hanging open like a huge doofus.
JACK: Hey, you bearded guy! Gimme your walkie-talkie or Ben dies!
TOM: Okay! Okay, I'll give it to you! And then I will spend several hours sobbing at the loss of my once mysterious and commanding persona!
Back at the CAGES…
SAWYER: I'm not giving up without a fight, Pickett! There's no way I'm just going to sit here and wait for you to kill me!
PICKETT: Really? Isn't that what you were doing all night?
Sawyer gets SUCKED into a BLACK PLOT HOLE.
PICKETT: Listen, if you don't let me murder you, I'm going to kill Kate too!
SAWYER: Darn! Oh, well, in that case, I really will give up without a fight.
AUDIENCE: This might have been touching if we didn't know they had all night to escape.
Pickett THROWS SAWYER to his KNEES and puts a GUN to his HEAD.
SAWYER: I am ready to face my heroic death!
KATE: No, you can't die! Not when you look so sexy and heroic in the pouring rain!
SAWYER: It's okay, Kate. Don't watch. I do sound heroic, don't I?
KATE: I love you!
SAWYER: I know.
PICKETT: Quit the mushy stuff and prepare to die! This is for Colleen!
PICKETT: Colleen! My wife, Colleen! I'm killing you to avenge her death even though you had absolutely no part in it!
SAWYER: Oh. Well, as long as I know I'm dying for a good reason.
PICKETT: I'm pulling the trigger…right…n—
TOM on the WALKIE-TALKIE: Deus ex machina calling!
PICKETT: Foiled again! If only I'd pulled the trigger two seconds earlier instead of waiting for that last dramatic pause!
TOM: Give the walkie-talkie to Kate or Ben dies!
PICKETT: I really don't care if he dies.
PICKETT: But hey what the hell, gotta keep the plot going.
He GIVES the WALKIE-TALKIE to KATE.
JACK on the WALKIE-TALKIE: Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?
KATE: Jack, this is no time to play Guess That Quote.
JACK: You've got to ask yourself a question: "Do I feel lucky?"
KATE: JACK! Sawyer's getting murdered here! Did you have anything important to say?
JACK: Oh yeah, well, I accidentally cut Ben's kidney thingummy open, and then I decided to pretend it was part of a master plot.
KATE: That's what I like about you, Jack…you can think on your feet.
SAWYER: I am glaring an evil death stare at Jack through the walkie-talkie.
JACK: So, I thought that you could escape with the walkie-talkie, and let me know when you're safe so I can stitch Benry back up and save his life!
KATE: Are you really going to be able to save him?
JACK: Probably not. But they don't know that!
JACK: I know! Now thanks to me, you guys have a whole hour to escape!
KATE: Wow! You know yesterday we only had a whole night to escape!
JACK: Yeah, but if you'd done that I wouldn't have had this chance to be a hero! And of course I have to be the hero!
KATE: But Jack, we can't leave without you!
JACK: Yes you can…I'll be okay!
KATE: Wow, you sound almost as heroic as Sawyer!
SAWYER: glare glare glare.
JACK: Dammit, Kate, RUN!!
AUDIENCE: That's it? That's the cliffhanger that's supposed to last us for almost three months?
WRITERS: What? What's the problem? There's tons of suspense! Will Pickett shoot Sawyer? Will Sawyer and Kate escape?
The PREVIEWS for FEBRUARY promptly show SAWYER and KATE RUNNING through the JUNGLE.
AUDIENCE: We have a few hunches.
WRITERS: Erm…yeah, well, we promise tons of exciting new revelations in February!
AUDIENCE: Like what?
WRITERS: Like… Has Kate really picked Sawyer?
AN: I was a little late with this, sorry about that…life happens, you know. Anyway, I'm back at school and I couldn't think of anything better to do on a Friday night than finish up this story. Writing more is one of my New Year's Resolutions, actually, along with reading more. (Never would have though I'd have to resolve to do that, but I was so busy last semester I only read like three books that weren't for class. Most depressing.) Sorry for the large chunk of Firefly dialogue in this chapter, by the way...it just fit way too perfectly for me to not include it.
So I had the TV turned on for background noise while writing, and on ABC they're showing Lost promos like every 10 minutes. Which is good, since what with the time change it definitely needs to be well-advertized. I just hope the rest of Season 3 lives up to the hype.
It was lovely writing this story; it's over now but if you want more, check out my Season 1 parodies. Now I'm off to play Pass The Pigs and eat peanut butter/jelly/honey sandwiches with my roomie (we're too broke to do something normal like order pizza).