Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended to JKR or anyone else.

Summary: Neville just wants to get some practice in over the holidays. So does Luna. Trevor has other plans, however…

Author's Notes: Imagine, if you will, zeh toad, he has zeh voice of Antonio Banderas…

This was written for the Resolutions Challenge in the Government Stole My Toad LJ community. Many thanks to kerrymdb and kerichi - for the challenge and the candor. And as a warning - do NOT lick Cane toads, they really are poisonous.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day - John Peers

Toadally Awesome


My name should be Necolingua. 'Tongue of death.' Es that such a leap of imaginación?

Dios mio, no. But zeh tall imbecil, he will persist in calling me 'Trevor.'

I am a Cane toad, zeh largest of my species! I am in zeh prime of life! Mi vida fabuloso! I should have a large harem and many tadpoles… I am not a– a housepet!

For years, I have held a burning pasión to escape and return, triumphant, to my homeland.

Tonight is zeh night.


"Luna!" Neville jogged down the corridor. "Wait up."

A voice in the back of his mind questioned, Why are you running after Loony Luna? Are you a lunatic? It sounded a bit like Seamus. Or maybe Ron. Neville ignored it. He was used to being laughed at. So was Luna. It was one of the reasons he liked her. Harry wouldn't make fun of them. Harry had taken Luna to Slughorn's Christmas party. As friends (he'd checked). Still, after Harry had asked her out, Neville saw other blokes looking her way, wondering what he'd seen that they'd missed. He hadn't missed. He'd noticed.

He watched her turn, taking advantage of the pause to twist her hair into a knot at the back of her head, securing it with her wand. He liked her hair. It had shades of brown and blonde, blended in waves that reminded him of sunshine on a wheat field.

He also liked her eyes. They were big and sky blue--and looking at him curiously. She probably wondered why he was staring. "Erm, going home for Christmas?" he asked.

Luna shook her head. "No, I'm staying here. It's OWL year you know."

"Oh, right." Neville blinked. "Planning to spend the holidays in the library then?"

Luna gave him a blank stare. "No, the Owlery. It's OWL year."

"Oh. Yes." His brow furrowed in confusion. "Erm, anyway, I wondered, since the DA hasn't been meeting, and since we're members, I wondered, if you were staying here as well, erm, maybe we could… ah, I don't know, practice some Defense spells or something?"

Luna studied him. "Are you doing this so you can hex me?"

"Oh, no, of course not!"

"Well, that's not much use, then, is it?" she asked, turning to walk down the corridor again. "It wouldn't be much of a practice if I'm just hexing you. Though I suppose it is called Defense."

Neville hurried to keep up. "Right. No… Er, I mean, yes, we would practice dueling…" He trailed off.

She stopped, turning to face him again. "Yes, alright then," she said. "Do you still have your toad?"

"Erm…" Neville blinked, glancing around, patting his pockets. "He likes to get away from me…"

"I'll help you look," Luna said, turning down the corridor away from him.

"Thanks. I'll um, I'll just check back the way I came," Neville said, frowning. "Sometimes he tries to get out the front doors to get to the lake…"


Zeh big-eyed senorita, she is kissing my head.

Yes, lovely Luna, kiss me again. Ah, yes, you like it when I rub against your lips. I shall inflate my giganté throat pouch and do for you my mating call. It is so very sexy, no?"


"Luna? Did you find him? Oh you did! Thank you."

"Yes, he was over here under the mistletoe. Probably eating Nargles."

"He seems to like you," Neville said. "I've never heard him make that noise before."

"I like him too." Luna dropped another kiss on the back of his bumpy little head.

Neville's eyes widened. "You shouldn't kiss toads, Luna!"

"Oh, they don't give people warts, you should know that."

"No, I mean you shouldn't kiss this kind of toad, because he's poisonous! I need to take you to Madame Pomfrey right away."

Luna patted Neville's cheek. "One man's poison is another woman's pleasure."

"Oh. Erm, alright, but I still think the hospital wing is…"

"I've been kissing toads for years, Neville. I normally prefer River toads because they make you see pretty colours, but lately they just haven't been giving me the same effect. It's all down to the Ministry, you know. The Toadal Conspiracy. Depriving toads of their natural abilities by infecting their food with Pogrebin sheddings."

Neville gave his toad a concerned glance.

"But your toad is much larger and more potent. He's very strong. Very… rugged and muscular."

Neville swallowed nervously, for Luna had got very close to him all of a sudden. He couldn't step away though, not when her eyes were so mesmerizing.

"Look." She pointed to a leafy sprig dangling above their heads. "Mistletoe."

"But… what about the Nargles…"

"All gone, thanks to Trevor."

"Oh, erm-" His protests were silenced by her mouth against his. As her tongue flicked lightly against his lower lip, he decided tangling with a toad teaser was totally a good thing. Toads, after all, have terribly talented tongues…

"Trelawney foresaw someone short, brown and bumpy in my future way back in my first year," Luna murmured. "I knew someday if I kissed the right toad, I'd find a prince."

Neville pulled her wand from her hair, letting the waves tumble past her shoulders. He slid his fingers through the curls, pulling her lips back up to meet his.

"I'm not very charming..."

"Good. Keeps away the ugly stepsisters."


Ah, amor…

Phase uno, it es finished! Zeh imbecil has someone to occupy his atención.

And now, I am off, through zeh fire! Mi amigo, Antoadio, has told me of a fiesta at the Ministry of Magico, in celebración of zeh New Year. I must go, for there is something I want there… I must have her, before I return to my homeland.

Senora Umbridge, ah... Now there es a muchacha who needs a licking…"