Some Dimly-lit Room
The Truth Behind Evangelion
A 'Terribly Wrong' Production
Author's Foreword (or forewarning): "This is a short, very enlightening, possibly life-changing fanfiction based on the 'best anime ever n00bs', Evangelion. However, those of weak constitution and no sense of humor, or those afraid of spoilers, should probably avoid reading this. Though this paper could possibly change your life, it is important to realize I am not affiliated with Jesus or his companions and thus I should not be referred to such when you are changed by this literary experience. Thank you and enjoy your flight."
It was a horridly beautiful day in Tokyo-3 and the surrounding area, if you could ignore the thick layer of orange smog floating over the city. While the town was busily buzzing with usual business, it was a different story in the massive complex owned by NERV, the agency responsible for protecting the world. Today was a special day at NERV, for a shipment had arrived- a very large crate with airholes punched into it stood in the mailroom.
"Wow, it finally came!"
"Get the crowbar from out of the fridge. Okay, everyone ready? One! Two! Three!"
The front panel was pried loose, falling down on the floor with a resounding 'thud', bits of shredded paper falling out like snow. Within the crate, a pile of bedding was quivering nervously.
"Oh, look how cute!" The woman who had opened it knelt down, "Hey there, come on out, don't be shy!"
"Oh, and it TALKS! This is great! The last one they sent barely talks at all!"
"What… what… where am I?" Slowly, he crawled from the box, coughing out paper strips, "What happened to me?? I was jumped by a bunch of gangsters and then…"
"Welcome to NERV!" The dark-haired woman gave a wink, tossing the crowbar behind her, striking an office worker. "My name is Misato, we're glad you finally arrived!"
"WHAT?" The boy sat up sharply, "NERV? Where Dad…?"
"So then you're Shinji, right? The commander's son?"
"Great! I told you the gang was the only way to go! You owe me a beer!"
"Ugh, fine…" The blonde woman sighed, "Well, anyhow, hello! My name is Lisel, very glad to meet you."
"Hey!" The office worker that had been hit with the crowbar sat up, bleeding, "What happened to-"
"The lady in the scri-"
"What are you talking about? Lisel has –always- been here." Misato laughed, "Don't be silly. It's not some kind of conspiracy or anything!"
"Not at all, don't worry…" Lisel smiled, turning back to Shinji, "You must be hungry after being delivered. You were suppose to be here a day and a half ago. Since I've got to go work on some legal forms, you can go with Misato to the cafeteria."
"I don't WANT to go to the cafeteria, I demand to be brought home!"
"Aww, c'mon! Just a short look-see around and I bet you'll be begging to stay!" Misato put on puppy-dog eyes, "Please? For me?"
"Great! Well, let's go! It's… this way, right, Lisel?"
"Yeah, sure, eventually you'll get there, as long as you don't exit the building. Oh, and be sure to tell him all about the plans!" Lisel waved, heading off, "See you later!"
"Plans?" Shinji blinked timidly.
"Let's walk and talk, kid!" Misato pulled him up off the floor and started walking. "Okay, so… we got you here in a leeeetle bit of an illegal way, but hopefully things from here on out will be smoother! You know what NERV does, right?"
"Don't they… sue people and make that fake cheese stuff in a can?"
"Well, sometimes. We're organized to protect the area from big-ass things that crawl from the ocean! You know, like Gojira or Mothra…"
"But isn't Gojira on –our- side?"
"Only after we brainwashed him." She winked, then laughed as Shinji grew a look of shock, "I'm just kidding! But yeah, we're helping keep the city safe! Someday we might expand to keeping the rest of the world safe. Well, all except for America. They demand to do it themselves."
"So… You brought me here… to help you?"
"I don't know…"
"Ah, but you'll be amazed when you see exactly what great prizes you could earn for helping. There's a sweatshirt, hula hoop, yacht…"
"I'm only 78,977,678 points away from mine! Hoo yeah!"
"I'll let you ride on it as soon as I get it. Now, where is the cafeteria again…?
"We want answers and we want them now!" A fist slammed against a thick, black table. "Someone is going to have to take responsibility for all the destruction the last Angel caused, and I'm not going to take it!"
"Easy, Martha…" The man next to her sighed, "Just think about your show and take a deep breath."
"Martha Stewart doesn't have to take this shit!" She screamed. "Gendo! What do you have to say for all this?!?"
Sitting in a dark office chair, the stern-faced man glared ahead through his ray-band sunglasses purchased at K-mart during a blue light special. His hands were tightly folded as he thought, resting against his face. "Well let's see now… if we hadn't had done something, the Angel, Rubixcube, would have completely destroyed the city and quite possibly the world. But instead, only a few buildings were damaged."
"It completely destroyed the nun-run Make a Wish foundation's office building filled with crippled children and the visiting Granny Guild!"
"It did? … Woah. Whoops. Sorry."
"Sorry? Sorry's all you have to say?" The council fell silent. Then they quietly discussed the matter, and responded, "Well, okay… since you sound so sincere…"
"But this brings us to another matter." Martha spoke up again, "Isn't there another Child on the way?"
"What? No, I haven't touched a woman in ages! You got me all wrong! Don't point your fingers at me!" Gendo stood up, "I won't tolerate this sort of talk!"
"Dumbass, the pilot!"
"…Oh. Right. Excuse me." He sat back down. "Yes, I believe he came in the mail just today. I had to… send out the squad to 'pick him up', but I believe this is all for the best."
"Yeah, it'd better be. The last so-called pilot you presented to us is a complete loony, and the –actual- one doesn't seem to do much of ANYTHING."
"Oh, don't worry. This one is the real deal. Now, if that's all that we have to discuss, I must go and work on other things… I'm a busy man with my hands full, if you know what I mean."
"Shut up, I hate you and your wild allegations! Get off of my property, losers!" Gendo spun around in his chair, "Come and push me back to the command room!"
"Yes, sir," his colleague sighed and got behind the chair, rolling it away.
"Damn that Gendo… he will pay for this… by buying my lovely matching set of lemon chiffon pie-scented dish towels! A breath of sweet delights every time you clean!"
"Martha, shut up."
"It must just be in here!" Misato laughed nervously.
"You said that five hours ago… I'm starving!" Shinji sobbed into his hands.
"This has to be it!" She swung open the door, looking over some sickly-colored water and a metal catwalk across it. "Well, shit. Oh! But lucky us, we needed to come here anyhow. Stop crying and c'mon."
"I can't take any more of this… beaten up, shoved in a crate, delivered to a place I completely despise, and now I'm going to starve to death. Why, God, why?"
"I said get in here!"
He walked in and sighed, but then looked down at the fluid below the catwalk, "Woah, what is this stuff?"
"Tang." A heavy voice boomed from above.
"I do believe that is the legal term, yes," Gendo was on a platform high above the vat of low-grade, hydrated Tang, "Howzit been hangin' my homiez?"
"You're in my hood now, you gonna have to learn the talk and walk the walk!"
"Preach it, brotha!" Misato threw a hand into the air with gusto.
"Yeah, you better know who the main man is- that's me, brotha, and don't you forget it 'less I have to take my violin out of the case and put it in yo' face!"
"Why are you calling me brother??"
"Man, you're laming out on my super funk. There's something I want you to see, it may help you get back on the street, brotha! May I present to you… prize number three! Turn around, you lucky toothpick!"
Balloons and confetti rained down as bells went off, and Shinji carefully turned around, then fell onto his behind out of shock. Two big eyes stared back at him, dark and empty, the rest of the body submerged in the Tang. It was an off-purple color, mostly, and was pretty ugly.
"What the hell? Is that a mutant Gamecube or what??"
"That…" Gendo smirked, "Is the latest technology. Meet Unit 01, Brenda!"
"She is fully posable with lifelike body movements, complete with beautiful yellow eyes and, later, silky, 'real' hair! You can dress her up and she comes with her own carrying case. Accessories are sold separately."
"Wait, am I suppose to…"
"Yes, Shinji, this is your new pimped-out ride."
"Aww!" Misato cried, "I wanted this one!"
"Shut up you, you're 877,847,233,435 points away from even thinking about it!"
"But… but I don't want this!" Shinji threw his hands to his head, "This thing..."
I never wanted to remember!
"I… I can't do it! Isn't there anyone else?"
"Yeah, what ever happened to-"
"SSH. Don't speak her name. We think she's still in the room… She can –hear- you." Gendo nervously glanced around, "And after that impressive display of destruction and proof of extreme intelligence with those finely forged papers, we don't want to get her stirred up again."
"What?" Shinji asked for about the 78th time.
Gendo whispered, "Corky. She's bad-"
"WOAH!" Some shrill voice shouted, "Did someone utter the name of SISTA C?!? Dramatic entry!"
Down dropped a girl in a black coat with fake-fur cuffs and a collar, her red hair held tightly down under a headband with a metal plate in the middle, displaying an engraved music note. Her sandals hit hard against the metal platform, causing her to fall to one side and disappear into the Tang. Spitting and flailing, she crawled back up onto the catwalk. "Lo! I are become Death! It is I, Corky!"
"Why? WHY?" Misato stumbled back, "You should be dead!"
"You cannot kill me, for I am the 67th Angel, Author!"
"There's no such thing as the 67th!" Gendo yelled, "Get out of my building or I'll have to shoot you again!"
"Stuff it, fanny! Hey!" She pointed at Shinji, "Are you the new pilot?"
"Oh, how splendid! They figured out I faked my papers- otherwise I would be in your place with a pimped-out ride complete with rims!"
"Brenda has rims?"
"Of course!" Corky crossed her arms, smirking, "Oh well. I suppose the First Child could use a little actual help, especially after what Rubixcube did. Man, that was awesome, total catfight."
"So, young man! Are you going to accept this plot point and become a pilot, or will you let me, Corky, 67th Angel, take over for you? Answer quickly!"
"Don't let her, Shinji!" Misato yelled, "You can't let her take over! She's crazy and has an itchy-trigger finger and a dangerously inflated ego!"
"Fine! I'll do whatever you want with this 'Brenda'. Just as long as you get me something to eat!" Shinji sighed. "I don't know what's so important about it, but right now my stomach and I don't care."
"Excellent." Gendo smirked. "Corky! You heard him yourself! Now get away from Brenda!"
"Grr… oh well. It's pizza-flavored paste day in the cafeteria anyway. Corky, away!" She ran out with her arms to the sides, buzzing like an airplane as she skipped off outside the door. "Yipee!"
"Damn annoying, cameo-abusing Author…" Misato sighed, "Let's go get you that sandwich. We'll follow her screaming and find the cafeteria in no time!"
"Okay…" He glanced up at Gendo for a moment, then followed Misato out in silence.
"Oh yeah, everything is falling right into place…"
"Wow, they cleaned the sneezeguards!" Misato looked through the plastic, "You can finally see what mystery meat you're getting before you randomly grab!"
"Uh, great…" Shinji went with a very tame cheese sandwich, for all of the meat looked suspiciously old and discolored, "Hey… they mentioned something about another pilot…?"
"Oh, yes, that'd be Rei. She was knocked up- I mean, knocked around when Rubixcube attacked. She should be here in about five seconds… Starting… now." Misato turned and looked at the cafeteria doors, "Yup, perfectly on time as always!"
In stepped a girl on very nice, high legs, her foot cast drawing attention to them. Her crutches went thumping across the floor as she swung herself forward with a driving force, her only visible eye (the other under thick white bandages that matched her skin color –perfectly-) a blazing ruby red. Her off-colored, very light blue hair was the only thing that didn't need to be reattached in the hospital. Rei toddled slowly over to the salad bar, then realized she had absolutely no way to grab a tray or do anything, for she'd probably fall on her face and displace her spleen again.
"Holy JESUS, did she get put through a paper shredder?"
"Kind of. Hey, Rei!" Misato waved, "Shinji, go introduce yourself and help her out."
"Er… okay." He walked over, nervous, "H…hello. My name is Shinji Ikari. I just came in the mail today, and… it's a pleasure to meet you… I think?"
"…" She stared in stoic silence.
"Uh…" he cleared his throat, "I'm sorry you got so hurt, I heard a little bit about it… do you need some help?"
She glanced at the salad bar, then back at Shinji. "$u43, k/\0ck y00r53lf 0u7."
"D0n'7 83 a 7o7al ls3r and g3t /\/\3 4 $4l4d, 81tch."
"I can't speak leet! That's… that's the DEVIL'S language!"
"Here, I'll just get you some salad…" He piled it on a tray, "Where are you going to sit?"
"… Right, I'll just put it over there."
After getting her settled, Shinji sank back to Misato, not at all feeling comfortable with anything in the story so far. Misato grinned widely at him, eating the pizza-flavored paste, "Isn't she great?"
"She –scares- me."
"Yeah, she's a little intimidating, but she's really nice when you get to know her!"
"But I can't understand a word she's saying!"
"Eh, you get used to it after listening to it long enough. It doesn't get less annoying, but at least you can understand… You got enough cheese in you? You can have more, it's free. Just be sure to pick out the bones."
"I… I think I'm done eating now."
"Yeah, you look like the anorexic type. Come on, I gotta find a place to sit, my legs are killing me!"
Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town, a terrible creature started to move. It slowly came clambering, the air around it distorting as if it were white-hot. It crested over the mountainside as alarms began to sound, then paused to possibly think of what it was to do next.
"Sir, the next Angel has appeared outside of town!"
"I see, when will we be able to see it?"
"Five seconds…" Everyone held their breath as the monitor flickered on. Then everyone gasped in horror, "Oh my GOD."
"As I expected." Gendo glared forward at the screen, "Cheripoptart attacks at last."
"It actually hasn't done anything yet, sir…"
"Shut up. Damn, they're all after the same thing…"
"What should we do?" One of the female technicians squealed in panic.
"Send out the EVAs. For great justice."
"Alright, let's get you in there and get you out against that Angel!"
"Can I change my mind about this?!?"
"n00b, g3t ur l4m3r 4$$ i/\/ th3r3."
"Fine…" Shinji sighed, then crawled into a long, narrow tube-like thing, sitting down in the seat while wearing the office-supplied suit that was probably designed for women only, since it looked horrid on males. "What is this thing made of?"
"Recycled coke cans," Lisel's voice was projected inside via radio, "It only costs us 7.95 US dollars apiece! But maybe you should take it easy…"
"Gee, great." There was a sudden flushing sound. Shinji yelped as Tang flooded the plug, "It's flooding with a horrible, caustic juice substitute!"
"It's alright, this is super oxygenated Tang, cheaper than the other stuff we tried to use- if you keep drinking it you should be able to stay conscious for at least three hours!"
"Launch Brenda." Gendo sat back in his chair, "And bring me my popcorn."
Faster than lightning, Brenda was shot up to the surface. The metal door slid open, facing Cheripoptart as it crawled closer to the town. Shinji stared, shaking in anxiety, "What do I do?"
"Walk out and insult it."
"If we get it angry enough it might do something so stupid it'll hurt itself!"
"That's… that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
"It's an order, sorry! Now just get out there! Focus on walking."
"Right… walking… walking…"
Brenda slowly lumbered out, coming to a halt when just out of the metal doors, refusing to move. Cheripoptart, on the other hand, noticed this new object and started walking over. Shinji kept trying to focus, "Walk, damn you!"
"No need to worry, we have just the thing for this. Rollerskate mode!"
Little wheels popped out of Brenda's feet, and gravity took over, pulling her down the street, slowly and squeakily. Brenda stopped just inches away from Cheripoptart, who smelled of deliciousness yet reeked of toaster-pastry evil.
"U-uh…" Shinji gulped, "Right, insult it… Hey, you… yeah, you there, ugly… uh… I have a joke for you. Guess what's so ugly even the tide won't take it out? Yeah, you!"
"l4m3r," Rei was in her unit, nicknamed the Pantymasher, further away, "7h47 j0k3 5uck5."
Cheripoptart was not amused- it let out a sharp squeal and suddenly split open, boiling hot filling pouring out all over Brenda. The scalding pain was transferred to Shinji, who started screaming like a girl. The Angel laughed darkly.
"Shinji, suck it up!" Misato cried over the radio, "Attack it before the filling hardens around you!"
"I'll try!" He forced Brenda to swing her arm up and grab Cheripoptart by a corner, then fought to tear the chunk off. "It's… so… strong…!"
"Hardened Pastry Shield is breaking down…" one of the technicians yelped, "There, he's got it!"
The Angel squealed, filling falling out from the fresh wound, mixing and melting the sugar frosting and sprinkles on its face. However, Brenda was now fixed to the ground as the filling had, indeed, hardened into a steel-like substance.
"I can't move!"
"n00b." Rei's unit suddenly hopped out with a large gun, "I pwn 7h3 4/\/g3l!"
The resulting explosion was so great that molten filling was splashed about the streets, flowing into the river. Bits of pastry lied here and there, but no longer stirred. Everyone let out a cheer of victory- Cheripoptart had been killed!
"Thank god…" Shinji let out a sigh. "But now what?"
"We're going to have to burn the filling off until we can get you out."
"What?? Is that going to hurt??"
"For a little while." Lisel laughed over the radio, "Don't scream too loudly!"
"OH SWEET JESUS!"
2 B CO/\/T1NU3D…