The Couch of d00m
The Truth Behind Evangelion
A 'Terribly Wrong' Production
ACT III ½
The Author, using her terrible, self-given Angel powers, mercilessly continued the story. Within the lounge, deep within NERV, Misato and Kaji were busy playing around with the doors securely locked. The room was torn apart in every which way as Misato giggled.
"Oh yeah, we're having some real fun now."
"You terribly naughty boy! I'm going to have to punish you!"
"Oooh, I like this idea. Okay, you ready for –this- one? Three… two… one!"
"Oh yes… Keep moving… more… more! Oh my god, right there!"
"SHIT." Kaji grumbled, "Boardwalk!"
"Pay up, bitch." Misato laughed darkly as she took the paper money, "Oh yeah, Misato's rolling in the dough now!"
"Man, I suck at this game. You know I can't count money! I'm bankrupt. You win." He sighed and sat back in his chair. "They should clean this room a little more often, too, it's a mess!"
"Yeah." Misato tossed the pieces back in the box, "So… what you were on about before… something about why you're here…"
"Uh, yeah. You'll have to contain yourself when I tell you this, because I know it's super cool and that sort of thing… but baby, I'm a spy."
"A SPY!" Misato squealed, "+10 hawtsauce!"
"Oh yeah." Kaji winked at her. This is why he took the job in the first place.
"So… tell me everything!"
"That'd be unwise…"
"I'll let you start first in Candyland!"
"Oh sweet deal! Okay, Misato… you know about the Second Impact, right?"
"Silly, I was there, stuffed in an oversized Coke can!" She giggled.
"Yeah, well… it wasn't really caused by a meteor or anything like that. I did a little research and discovered that, at the time, a secret factory had been opened there, under the disguise of a research facility. But in reality, it was Martha Stewart's new warehouse… she took a bunch of poor children and forced them to make house accessories."
"Oh my god!"
"Yes, it was horrible. But then they did one critical mistake. A chair was accidentally sent there when a label was switched in the post office by a dumbass teenager thinking he was funny… when it arrived, it was in bad shape. So Martha demanded they fix it, because she wanted it for herself." Kaji paused, taking a sip of his coffee substitute, "Then it happened. She put it in her office… and decided it need… dolling up."
"She… she didn't… make –doilies-?!?" Misato gasped in terror.
"Exactly. So as soon as the matching pieces were finished- two for the arms, one for the headrest… she demanded to neatly place them on. But as soon as the third piece touched the chair, well… the Impact was created."
"Oh shit! But… the chair was destroyed, right?"
"No. The rescue team found it floating in the ocean and, not understanding the sheer power it contained, sent it back to it's owner, whose name and address was written on the bottom. Gendo Ikari."
"Oh my GOD. But… what about the doilies?!?"
"They were recovered as well, and treated to various tests. One day they accidentally got used to wipe up some of the Tang coolant… and they mutated. The three pieces became the three EVA units!"
"SHOCK!" Misato screamed.
"Now, all we have to do is-" Kaji stopped short as the door suddenly swung open. He and Misato gasped, holding their breath and staring. His eyes narrowed slowly at the figure in the doorway.
"So. This is how it is." Gendo glared back.
"And this is how it ends." Kaji smirked.
"Yes…" Gendo slowly reached down into his pocket and pulled out a handgun. He pointed it at Kaji.
"No!" Misato got in front of him, "You can't shoot Kaji! He owes me money!"
Bang! An empty shell fell to the dirty floor, bouncing twice before coming to a halt. Time slowed as Misato and Kaji fell to the ground, a red stain spreading out around them. Gendo stuffed the gun back in his pocket, starting to laugh. He turned, and headed down the hallway, neatly folding his hands behind himself. Glancing at a clock, he muttered, "Oh, whoops, time to feed my little darlings!"
"Oh SWEET JESUS, no!!" Shinji yelled, having reached the lounge, looking at the bloody mess, "The carpet is covered in blood! Do you know how hard that is to clean? Oh God…"
"What a pity." Kaworu was still hanging onto Asuka, "You could try club soda, you know."
"…" Rei was silently squinting at Kaworu. He glanced at her and smirked back, upon which point Rei thrust two fingers forward and jabbed out his eyes. "d0/\/7 100k 47 m3 l3ik 7h47, 817ch."
"Arrrgh, why'd you have to get my –good- eye too?"
"Kill him! Kill the bastard!" Asuka was free, rubbing her butt which took the fall, "I hate him already!"
"Who –are- you??" Shinji finally got the nerve to ask, "You're acting like you've always followed us around. I also wonder, but probably don't want to know, why you're wearing my clothes!"
"Oh, these are yours?"
"My name's written on the tag!"
"I see…" Kaworu let out a blissful sigh. "To wear the clothes that have touched the skin of a beautiful young man… oh, heaven."
"Seriously, who ARE you?"
"I… am the Fourth Child! I just arrived today. I'm going to help you confront your Father, Shinji, and take away from him the CHAIR." He smirked again, "For someone as boring as he shouldn't be allowed such a wonderful thing."
"Hey!" Asuka got into Kaworu's face, "What are –you- going to do with the chair, senor?!?"
"Hmm. I don't know… sit in it?"
"Oh, si, si, that makes sense."
"Should we… do something about Misato and Kaji's bodies?"
Rei walked up to them, then knelt down, taking Kaji's arm by the wrist. She slowly moved his hand over onto Misato's butt, then giggled immaturely, heading back for the door. The four children giggled as a group, then left the room.
They ran down the hallways as fast as they could, opening doors and searching for Gendo. Unfortunately the confusing layout of the building prevented them from doing so in a timely fashion. After three hours of searching, Asuka unexpectedly collapsed.
"Asuka!" Shinji knelt down beside her, "What's wrong??"
"Me siento debil…"
"What does that mean??"
"Let me see." Kaworu knelt down on the other side, looking her over. Then with a 'tsk', he shook his head. "It's as I feared."
"What? What is it??"
"She's been poisoned."
"I suspect tainted morphine. The hospital –is- owned by NERV and Martha Stewart, you know."
"Asuka!" Shinji picked her up, "There must be something we can do?!?"
"i7 i$ 2 l473." Rei shrugged, "8y /\/0\/\/ th3r3 i$ /\/0thing \/\/3 c4/\/ d0."
Asuka looked up at Shinji, tears rolling from her eyes. She smiled sweetly and whispered, "Te quiero apasionadamete…"
"I… I don't understand…"
"Uh, sure! Yes!"
She closed her eyes, then let out a sigh and went still. Shinji gasped and shook her. "Asuka, wake up!"
She didn't stir.
"No! …You can't die! Asuka! ASUKA! WHY?!?"
"/\/\4/\/, h3 ju$7 lo$7 h1$ fia/\/ce." Rei blinked. "p00r d00d."
"We must leave her. We have to keep looking! The survival of this pathetic, silly, stupid, stinky world depends on it, and dammit, I only get paid when this story ends!" Kaworu threw a fist into the air, "You can avenge her death this way!"
"I… I suppose." Shinji tearfully set her down. "I'll come back for you later, Asuka!"
"470p cryi/\/g, 8i7ch. 137's g0."
"Right." Shinji got back up and continued to open doors.
"They're all so adorable…"
Somehow, the Author, despite her poor condition had escaped the hospital and now had her face smeared against the side of the glass bowl on the black desk. She hung off of it, feet gaily kicking, as she tapped the glass.
Inside, the inhabitants all went nuts at the tapping, except for the one that was unhealthily floating upside down at the top of the bowl. Corky laughed, pointing at them while they settled back down.
"It's so great they keep me a personal aquarium! Uh-oh." Corky looked back as the door to the office swung open. "Gasp!"
"You!" Gendo pointed, "Get away from my Reis!"
"But they're so cute!" Corky peered in at the tiny, naked little girls, "I want some for myself!"
"No! You should be –dead-! DEAD!"
"Stupid, you cannot kill me! For I are become death, Corky, the 67th Angel!!"
"THERE IS NO 67th!"
"Wait a minute. If you're standing up…" Corky stared at Gendo. Then the two glanced at the chair behind the desk, then back at each other. This continued multiple times until the two threw themselves at it. Both fought to push the other off and sit in it. "My chair! Get off!"
"This is MY chair, it has my name in it!"
"No! Your fat, old ass has no place in a chair of this caliber!"
"I'll show –you- a caliber!" He pulled out his gun and pushed it against her head once more, firing a shot. When she fell to the floor, he planted his bottom in the chair. "Gotcha bitch! My chair now!"
"FATHER." Shinji walked into the doorway. "How –could- you?"
"Er… could I… what?"
"You shot the author! And you're shooting everyone else!"
"…Uh… oh, really? I didn't noticed." He tucked Corky's corpse under the desk with his foot. "Did I really shoot them?"
"Yes you did! We're going to stop you!"
"Yes!" Kaworu stepped out beside Shinji, taking his hand, "Side by side, like –true- friends!"
"Let me go!" Shinji whipped his hand back, then blinked. "Where's Rei?"
"Oh, she… er… had to go to the bathroom. She wanted to make sure you knew she was fine and hadn't been strangled by anybody."
"Hey!" Gendo shouted, "How dare you kill my hoochie-mama!"
"Shut up, you." Kaworu pushed Shinji forward, "Now confront him! End this madness!"
"Er… right!" Shinji stood up straight, glaring at Gendo. "Father. Get out of the chair."
"You can't tell me what to do, I'm bigger than you are! Don't make me ground you, Shinji! What would you do if I got up anyhow?"
"I'd… I'd…" Shinji swallowed deeply. "I'd SIT IN THE CHAIR."
"You may have been conceived in this chair, but you ain't gonna sit in it!"
"You couldn't handle it anyway. The chair has become much more than a normal office chair." Gendo smirked. "The chair is hosting the soul OF YOUR MOTHER."
"Wow, your mom is a piece of furniture." Kaworu pointed and laugh.
"I can take it… I've learned many things in this bizarre story. I've learned how to handle the power. I've can handle the memories now… I don't know why, but I know I can! Father, if you continue to use that chair, it will cause the Third Impact and destroy the world… I just can't let you do that!"
"Go ahead and try to stop me!" Gendo laughed, then suddenly gagged as a scarf was pulled tight around his neck from the side. "What?? I can't breathe!"
"Muahahaha!" Martha Stewart laughed in a demonic, deep voice, "I, Satan, have come to destroy you! I will take back this chair and kill EVERYONE! You have no chance to escape make your time! Hahahaha!"
Shinji yelped, unsure of what to do. Time was running out- he suddenly grabbed up the Reiaquarium and lifted it up high, then smashed it down on Martha's head. She collapsed, pulling Gendo down with her as the little Reis wiggled around on the floor, giggling cutely. Shinji shook, holding the broken base of the bowl, squeaking, "Father?"
"Shinji… look… out!" He gasped.
"Why, don't mind if I do." Kaworu slowly bent at the legs, lowering into the chair.
"It's… a setup…"
"Kaworu, don't you dare!"
Kaworu came to a complete rest in the chair, then started laughing maniacally. The room started shaking as the chair began giving off a muted glow. Shinji ducked behind the front of the desk, holding his head as a loud rumbling grew. Kaworu pointed and laughed, "Foolish human, you made this far too easy! I, Tabris, Angel, can now rule over the entire world! The true powers are being released into me! I shall keep you as my love slave! Muahahaha!"
The Author, slightly revived, dug around under the desk and found a handy hairpin. She slowly moved, finding the right spot… and then jammed the hair accessory into Kaworu. He froze, gasping. Corky smirked, "Oh no you don't, sista!"
"…AAAAAAAAAAAAAIGH!" He screamed in agony, "YOU STABBED JUNIOR! MY CROOOOTCH!"
"Shinji, stay down!" Corky dragged Kaworu to the floor. A massive explosion resulted, the light blinding Shinji as everything disappeared in the flash. The sheer power threw him from the room, and he went out as he hit the wall. The entire world shook with the impressive explosion.
"…Shinji. Oh Shiiinji."
"…what…?" He squinted, looking up at the gray sky. Painfully, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Who…?"
"Me llamo Asuka!"
"ASUKA! You're alive?!?" He grabbed her by the arms, "You… you died!"
"No, senior! I just needed a nap."
"There was an explosion! …What the fuck happened?"
All around were bare support beams. Buildings were completely destroyed, and animals and people lied in piles on the streets. Every piece of plant life had been burnt away from the orange earth. Asuka shrugged, "Third Impact."
"This sucks! … Now what?
"Uh…" she thought, "Well, since you –are- my fiancé now…"
"Oh god, no! Stay away! Don't you touch me! NOOO!"
"Hmm." Lisel peered down on the town from what was left of her office. "Well, everyone… we screwed up royally. I've got my work cut out for me now… at least some of the Reis survived. I see a future filled with… albinos."
"Time for some credits!"
"Hey everyone. I'm Shinji Ikari."
"Me llamo Asuka Langley Shoryu."
"y0, i/\/\ R3i."
"We want to thank you all for reading this story." Shinji bowed respectfully. "This is the truth behind Evangelion, finally revealed to the rest of the world. Thankfully, at the time this has been written, it's 2007 and we escaped the worst of the Second Impact."
"8u7 y0u $7i11 g07 8u$h 2 d34l \/\/ith."
"Yeah. But! Again, we thank you for giving us your time. If you have any questions or comments, please email the 67th Angel, the Author. Though you probably won't learn anything new, you can at least get another look into the insanity that brought this story to life."
"Hey," Asuka put her hands on her hips, "What's next, anyway?"
"I don't think I want to know…" Shinji shuddered.
"True. Adios, amigos!"