Authors Note: Uh. I was extremely bored one day so I decided to write this. It should be a two or three part 'drabble' story thing. OOC and very random. Crackfic. And mainly set in Kaoru's POV. Something for the usual readers of Soulverwhelmed to entertain themselves until the new story is out. Hoorah.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or it's ... creations.
Ah, Christmas… one of the most celebrated holidays in the world… well, before everyone started to take others' religions into thought and now a lot of the things were discontinued.
To be honest, I couldn't really give a damn because I absolutely hate Christmas with a passion…
Well, if you were stuck in a car for several hours with someone singing Christmas carols nonstop, and very off key might I add, you too would be wondering if you could stab the people who wrote such songs and the people, or in this case person, singing them.
"…Tis the season to be jolly! C'mon, Kaoru, sing!"
I felt myself twitch.
"…Do you even breathe?"
"Most people have to, if they want to survive."
Now I really want to pout.
"Kaoru? Can you not be your normal, sarcastic, cynical and pessimistic self for once in your life?"
I gave an exasperated sigh.
"Misao? Can you not be your normal, irritating, hyper, optimistic self for once in your life?"
Too much enthusiasm in that.
"… And here I was, getting my hopes up. I think this is the equivalent of coal in my stocking."
Sarcasm is my friend, I hope.
"Coal? I doubt it. I don't think you're even worthy of getting coal this Christmas."
Ouch, that hurt.
"Wow, Misao, I can feel the love just oozing out of your entire being. Thank you, oh, so, much."
Insert innocent smile here.
"Sarcasm has no effect on you whatsoever, does it?"
I arched my left eyebrow.
Little weasel sod.
Tree… tree… tree… rock…. Sheep… tree…
This is interesting.
"Well, as much as I hate to say it, I'm bored!"
A snort from Misao.
"If it'd irritate someone, you'd do it gladly. And you know how irritating saying 'I'm bored!' is. Why not try something else?"
A wary glance at the too-cheerful-to-be-inconspicuous smile on my face.
"Are we there yet?"
Misao's eyebrow twitched.
I barely restrained giggle.
"Does it look like we're there yet?"
Exasperated sigh from Misao.
"… There are no shiny lights making me blind yet."
Misao spluttered before glaring.
Point for me.
"I'll have you know that the Christmas trees in the main square are wonderful!"
I bet she they are.
"You just like them because they're shiny and reduce most normal people into seizures because of the spastically flashing lights."
Another point for me.
"… Not you too."
Mumbled, but I still heard it.
"HAH! I KNEW IT!"
Emphatic gesture causing Misao to swerve because of stray hand hitting the steering wheel.
Loud honking noise.
"HOLY SHIT! WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, YOU RETARD!"
Swerve back to the correct side of the road.
Narrowly miss getting hit by truck.
An Impish smile, casually ignoring the thundering of my heart.
"Can we do that again?"
Another twitch from Misao.
"… Are we there yet?"
A small frown.
"Please don't drawl my name out like that. It makes it sound kind of sexual."
Disgusted gagging noises from the pair of us.
"… Shut up, you twot!"
I beg your pardon?
I shouldn't need to correct her.
"… That's what I said!"
"No you didn't. You said Twot."
"Actually. Twot has an 'o' and twat has an 'a'."
"Don't be a smart ass."
Another glare from Misao.
"You'd rather I be a dumb ass?"
An irritated sigh from Misao.
"You are a dickhead, Kaoru."
I clasped hands together and hold them up to my chest, batting my eyelashes.
"You are too kind!"
A pinch on my arm from Misao.
"Ow! What was that for?"
A pointed look clearly stating 'Moron!' from Weasel-girl.
"For being a smart ass."
"I'm not, I'm a dickhead."
Volume of We Wish You A Merry Christmas increases.
Ah, road trips…
I wonder when I'll have to crack the 'I need to pee!' question.
Come to think of it…
Insane grin lighting up my face…
"Are we there yet?"
Give sideways glance at usually hyperactive young woman now slowly deflating.
Slow blink from Misao as she visibly tried to figure out what I had called her.
"What now, raccoon girl?"
Gods, how I hated that nickname.
"Nice to meet you, hungry."
I quirked my eyebrow again at the sarcasm in her voice.
"Any of those fruit rings left?"
I twisted around in seat.
Then promptly stare at scattered bags in the back seat of car.
This… might be difficult.
I ponder if crawling to the backseat while driving would be a good option.
"Found you, you little bastards!"
Slowly, crawl forwards over the center console.
Reach awkwardly from position inbetween the front seats.
Screech from behind.
"KAORU! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY FACE!"
So that's what was wrong.
"In a moment!"
I love sing-songing things.
That… made sense.
Fruit Rings in my grasp, twist back around to chair before Misao can find a way to kick said ass.
"Geez, weasel, chill out!"
Death glare from Misao.
"I'll chill out when your ass isn't blocking my sight, baka!"
A sudden evil glare.
"Are you saying my ass is fat?"
Growl from the right.
"Yes. Yes I am!"
"How dare you! I'll have you know that my ass is the epitome of perfection!"
"Yeah, right. Next to perfection, you have no ass."
Is that really?
"If I have no ass, where'd you think that came from?"
Attack of the pong!
"KAORU! THAT STINKS!"
Pwoaaarrrr… It does too.
"Merry Christmas, Misao!"
"Are we there yet?"
"How about now?"
Ah, blessed fruit rings.
Misao waved a Candy cane around threateningly, glaring evilly at me.
"Enough with the are we there yet shit!"
Ponder, yet again.
"… Computer says no."
"Kaoru, you really are enjoying yourself too much."
I gave her a blank stare.
"What? I'm merely doing to you what you do to me."
She groaned again before glaring.
"Nice one, Kaoru."
I gave her an awkward small bow.
Nibble on the juicy fruit rings that have blessed our confectionary isles and collections.
Its always odd watching someone slam his or her head against a steering wheel.
So she's ignoring me, is she?
I'll have to change that.
"Don't even THINK about it!"
She was good!
"… If I do, you'd spank me?"
She gave me a disgusted look.
"Spank yourself, Tanuki!"
"That sounds kinda kinky."
"I'm kidding, you moron."
My laughter nearly drowned the small noise Misao made.
I think she said 'Why me, Kami-sama?'
Ah, how fun it is to annoy Misao.
Almost as satisfactory as hiding Megumi's shoes after stashing her sharp and pointy scalpels and other things that like to hurt people.
"I can't wait until we arrive at the Aoi-ya!"
Fake squeal impersonation Misao.
"… My ears."
I couldn't help but snort.
"Please. Like you don't act like that every day?"
"So… how much further is it now?"
A blind grope down the side of the car seat from Misao.
Flying maps of mass destruction.
If I get a paper cut on my nose, I'm suing.
"Look on that!"
"Right. So…. We're here."
I pointed at the map.
"And we're going there."
"So… how far is that, Kaoru?"
I made an estimated measure with my fingers.
Holding up my thumb and pointer finger an inch apart, I stared at her seriously.
"It's about this far on the map."
"What if you have a bigger map?"
"Then it's a little bit further."
We both snorted.
"Can we listen to some music?"
Misao looked dubious.
Now she looks incredulous.
"Need I remind you that you threw the last CD out the window while we were going down a highway at 100 km/h?"
"… You just did."
"Says the great weasel."
"Shut up or else I'll gag you!"
"Don't do that, I might like it."
Insane giggling at the priceless look on Misao's face.
If I have to stare at another gloomy horizon with only the cracked road as far as I can see, I'm going to at least enjoy myself...
I hate it when a fly gets trapped inside the car.
When they fly through the open window and they hide for a while so you think they left.
But when you roll up the window, they reappear.
So they buzz against the glass, repeatedly smacking into it like it'll open.
So you open it, not wanting to smoosh it because it's so damn fast.
It flies to another window and buzzes against the glass there.
Talk about irritating!!!
Misao has been watching my antics for about half an hour and now I'm starting to get annoyed.
It attacks my face.
I waved the fly away.
The Fly lands on my forehead.
Time to become emphatic.
Wave fly away again.
Paranoid glance around.
It appears to be missing…
That made perfect sense.
"You just told it to fuck off."
"I changed my mind!"
Misao snorted and turned her gaze to the road.
I think she mumbled something about lost marbles.
In my opinion, flies should live up to their names.
So, I don't kill them, per see, but I stun them.
Then, you pull its little legs off.
The little bastard can't land now.
Insert Insane Cackling Here.
"But Aoshi-sama isn't here!"
That was disturbing.
"I'm going to ignore that."
We both snorted again.
"Fuck off my forehead, fly."
So it walks around on my face.
"FUCK OFF OR I'LL KILL YOU!"
It's fun threatening small insects.
Especially irritating ones that keep flying back to the same fucking spot.
ON MY FACE.
And now Misao is looking at me like I grew another head.
Which I did /not/ because honestly, you would notice if that happened.
"THAT'S IT! WHERE IS THE FLYSPRAY?!?!"
"Uhm. We don't have any."
"… Kao, I don't randomly keep fly spray in my car."
"BUT IT IS AN EMERGENCY!"
"Stop being dramatic."
I'm not dramatic… I'm melodramatic.
And this is a serious situation.
"Fine. I'll just have to kill the bastard without the help of chemicals."
Misao glanced at me before returning her focus to the road.
I glanced down at the pair of rubber thongs I'm wearing.
Not the underwear, either, you sicko.
This might prove to be another mission.
I freaking love Road Trips.
Now where did that fly go?
What the fuck?
"Where are we?"
"The land of Oz."
"…Oh, thanks Toto."
Curl back into ball on my seat.
"We're nearly there."
I don't care right now.
"Yup! So. Wake up now, Tanuki. Megumi said that she and Sanosuke are preparing dinner. With special guests!"
High-pitched squeal from Misao.
My poor abused ears.
"Will you shut up?"
I managed to groan; grabbing what I supposed was a lollie.
I threw it, hard.
Yet it just flew out the window because she moved her head.
"Aoshi-sama is going to be there!"
The living Ice statue.
"Is he going to be the ice sculpture near the punch, then?"
She gave an indignant growl.
Which resulted with a sharp tug on my hair.
"That was my hair, itachi!"
"Another person is going to be there, too."
She says this conversationally like I care.
I managed to give a slurred drawl before closing my eyes again.
"Oh? I heard he was quite the little hottie."
"You cheatin' on Ice-prick so soon?"
"No! Stupid Tanuki! I was talking about you hooking up with him!"
"In your dreams."
I'm too violent for most men to put up with me.
Plus … none of them are the right ones.
"His name is Kenshin! Megumi says that you two would be perfect together!"
"Aw! But Kao-ru!"
"Jump off a bridge."
"I hear he likes kendo."
"… Well, Sano said that Kenshin knows an old battojutsu which is hardly ever used in this era!"
An old battojutsu, eh?
I gave a splutter.
"Holy shit! Are you serious?"
"He must be amazing."
That is one old style…
In fact, the last time I heard about it was in the Meiji Period.
"How could he have learnt that? It's been decades since any record of that style has been found!"
"I…. I'm not sure."
There was something fishy about this.
"I'll have to meet him then."
There was a cheer from Misao.
"I mean it!"
That doesn't mean I can't cause mayhem inconspicuously.
And if that baka rooster head mocks my cooking again, I'll Kamiya Kasshin-Ryu his feathered ass!
Yes. I am aware that Kaoru is basically hyper. But if you were stuck in a car. for as long as she was. you would be two. c:
REVIEW. Press the purply button and review. The more reviews, the faster I update. -insane grin- Toodles! ANDREVIEWWW. o;