1(A tall, thin ferret comes out on a stage with glittering curtains covered in hearts. On one side of a great big curtain are four seats, and on the other side is one seat that looks like a throne. The ferret speaks.)
Ferret: Hello, everyone; Welcome to the Redwall Dating Game! I'm your host, Kelaiah.
Kelaiah: Now first of all, let me just say that I do not own the Mossflower world or any of it's characters. Brian Jacques does. Now, what is going to happen in this show is that we are going to have a bachelor come out and question three eligible females. Throughout the show he is not going to see them, just hear them. At the end of the show, he is going to choose who is he going to end up with. Are you ready?
Kelaiah: All right. Now, will the bachelorettes please come out?
(Bluefen walks out and sits in a chair that has the number 1 over it.)
Kelaiah: Hey, where are the other bachelorettes?
Bluefen: Putting on their make-up.
Kelaiah: Oh, for heaven's sake. Would someone go get them please? Thank you!
Bryony:(from the audience) HEY! Why's she there? She's not a bachelorette! She's married!
Bluefen: Oh, a certain . . . friend of mine talked me into it.
(From the audience Veil waves to her.)
Kelaiah: Ah, here are the other two bachelorettes.
(Silth and Celadine come out and sit under the chairs with the numbers 2 and 3 over them.)
Silth: All that hurrying was not good for my tail! Whenever I hurry it gets all bushy!
Celadine: Yeah, it's the same with my tail, too. What will the bachelor think?!
Kelaiah: Don't worry, girls. The bachelor won't be able to see you because of that big curtain separating you.
Silth: He won't?
Kelaiah: Well, not till the end of the show. Now, if he would kindly come out.
(Swartt comes out and sits on the other side of the big curtain.)
Kelaiah: Hello, Mr. Bachelor.
Sunflash:(from the audience) HEY! He's not a bachelor!
Kelaiah: SHUT UP SUNFLASH! NOBEAST WANTS TO HEAR YOU RIGHT NOW!!
Swartt: Hey, I wouldn't be here if a certain . . . friend of mine talked me into it.
(From the audience Veil waves to him.)
Kelaiah: Now, how about if our bachelor asks the bacherlettes the first question?
Swartt: Fine. (Holds up a little card) Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite color?
Swartt: Hm, mine too. I know a . . . creature that has the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
eyes widen) Oh, who is it? Ferahgo the Assassin?
Swartt: Eh, I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about a female.
Kelaiah: Mr. Bachelor, you're supposed to be talking with the other girls, too!
Swartt: Hey, you're messing with some chemistry I was brewing up there! Ah, oh well. Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite color?
Silth:(rasping voice)Any color that is not ugly.
Swartt: Whoa, that's a rasping voice you got there.
Swartt: Nothing. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite color?
Celadine: Well, pink looks lovely on me, and it looks so cute on Felldoh, but then again gold looks better on him. Green is okay on Felldoh, I guess, and maybe bluegreen, and black is all right because it matches Felldoh's eyes--
Swartt: All right! Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite flower? By the way, before you answer; Kelaiah, what is up with these questions?
Kelaiah: Shut up and read 'em, polecat.
HEY! You said you'd never call me that!
Kelaiah: Obviously I changed my mind. Now get on with it.
Swartt: NO! Not until you apologize!
Kelaiah: What do I need to apologize for?
You called me a polecat!
Kelaiah: You are a polecat.
Swartt: Am not! I'm a ferret! Just like you! And if you can't tell a ferret from a polecat then you're stupider than you look!
Kelaiah: Well, you just insulted me, so why don't we call it even and you get on with questioning the bachelorettes?
Swartt: Fine. Well, Contestant No. 1, what's your favorite flower?
Bluefen: I don't have one. I think all flowers are lovely.
Swartt: Yeah, I know. A flower's a flower. What's the difference? How about you, Contestant No. 2?
Silth: Any flower that is not ugly.
Swartt: Um, okay. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite flower?
Celadine: Well, roses look good on me, and they match Felldoh's fur, but daises and lilies would look so lovely in a garland on his head, and pansies and petunias would be so pretty on him too--
Swartt: OKAY! Contestant No. 1, what is your favorite saying?
Bluefen: I don't have one. I don't talk much.
Swartt: Okay, then I pick you.
Kelaiah: Oh, no you don't! You have to ask all the questions! All of them! All of them, do you hear me?! ALL OF THEM!!!
Swartt:(grumbles) Contestant No. 2, what is your favorite saying?
Silth: Nobeast is as beautiful as I!
Swartt: Yeah, but what's your favorite saying?
Silth: Nobeast is as beautiful as I!
Swartt: Yeah, but what's your favorite saying?
Kelaiah:(impatient) Oh, just ask the third girl the question.
Swartt: Contestant No. 3, what is your favorite saying?
Celadine: Well, it's a tie between, "Oh, I'm sooo fair and lovely today" and "Oh, Felldoh, you're sooo big and strong and handsome!"
Swartt: Hm. How lovely. Contestant No. 1, what are your interests and hobbies?
Bluefen: Cooking, cleaning, serving people, and being a mother.
Swartt: Whooo, I like you.
Bluefen: Thank you.
Kelaiah: Now ask the other two.
What? Oh, okay. Contestant No. 2, what are your interests and
Silth: Filling my home with beautiful things.
Swartt: Wow. You need to get out more.
Swartt:(innocently) Nothing. Now, Contestant No. 3, what are your interests and hobbies?
Celadine: Practicing acrobatics with Trefoil and flirting with Felldoh.
Swartt: Felldoh, Felldoh, Felldoh! It's always Felldoh with you! Why don't you just marry Felldoh?
Celadine: Don't you think I've been trying?
Swartt: Whatever. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to wear?
Bluefen: Modest blue dresses.
Swartt: Oh. Well, if that suits you. Contestant No. 2, do you like to wear beautiful clothes?
Silth: Yes! How did you know?
Swartt: Lucky guess. Now, what about you, Contestant No. 3? What do you like to wear?
Celadine: Anything with laces and ribbons. Although I've been second guessing whether that's a good idea, or not. They really don't help when you're being chased by a whole bunch of pirate vermin.
Swartt: I'm going to have to agree with you. Contestant No. 1, what do you like to eat and drink?
Bluefen: Fruit, vegetables, bread, fish, tea, and water.
Swartt: Hmmm, no cordial. You don't like it?
Bluefen: Oh, I like it just fine. I'm just not a big drinker. Too strong for me.
Swartt: I see. Contestant No. 2, what do you like to eat and drink?
Silth: I eat anything that is arranged in the most attractive way, and I drink wine. Or at least I used to. After somebeast poisoned mine (gives Lantur a venomous look) I've rather lost my taste for it.
Swartt: Oh. Well, um. Hmm. Uh, Contestant No. 3, what do you like to eat and drink?
Celadine: EAT AND DRINK? What, do you think I want to get FAT?!
Swartt: Man, 2 and 3 are physcos. Kelaiah, can't I just get number 1 and get out of here?
Kelaiah: At the end of the show! Now ask on!
Swartt: Fine. Contestant No. 1, what is a dream you had that you will never forget?
Bluefen: One is where I had to choose between Swartt and Zigu.
Swartt: You had to choose between. . . . ?
Bluefen: Yes; I had to choose whether to be married to Swartt Sixclaw or Zigu the Corsair.
Swartt: And who did you choose?
Bluefen: Swartt. I think I made the right choice.
Swartt:(flattered) Well, that's nice. May I ask why?
Bluefen: Well, as cold and pitiless Swartt can be, he has never done anything that makes me as mad as what Zigu did.
Bluefen: Well, you remember that part where Zigu had been foiled by the hares when he was on the beach, and he found Fordpetal groaning on the ground? He just started slashing at her with his sword! That was SO mean! Every time I read that, I just want to jump in with a piece of driftwood and bash him upside the head so Fordpetal can be saved and she can get together with Bradders!
Kelaiah: You know, thanks to the magic of FanFiction, you can do that.
Bluefen: I can?
Kelaiah: Yes. In fact, why don't we take a little break right now for Contestant No. 1 to fulfill her wish.
Swartt: Yes! Let's see Zigu get beat up by a girl!
(I do NOT own Fifty First Dates; heeheehee!)
Zigu stood over the groaning Fordpetal, raising his saber to strike the injured haremaid. Suddenly--
A piece of driftwood came flying out nowhere and hit him in the face. Zigu looked up into Bluefen's wrathful face. Before he could even register surprise, the ferretmaid struck him again.
The corsair tried to raise his saber, but Bluefen hit him several times on the back, saying, "I show you to strike a poor, innocent, injured girl, you big bully! Take that! And that! And that!"
The vermin horde and the Salamandastron hares were standing fifty feet away, staring at the strange sight. Who was the attractive young ferretmaid hitting Zigu with the piece of driftwood?
Swartt recognized his wife. "I thought she was dead," he said to Nightshade.
The vixen nodded. "Yeah, me too."
Bluefen was putting on quite a show. She was whacking the corsair silly. She kept on tripping him, hitting his rump, and saying how she was going to show him how to assault poor defenseless girls.
Swartt was watching Bluefen. His painted face was awed and glazed. His paw was over his heart, and his mouth slightly open; drool began to trickle down his chin.
Zigu finally raised his sword, only to have it broken in half by Bluefen's piece of wood. For a moment, the corsair stood open-mouthed, holding his broken sword. Then he turned and took off across the dunes with Bluefen hard on his heels.
"You can't run away, pirate! I'll get you!!"
Sabretache went down to see if Fordpetal was all right. When he looked up, he saw Bluefen half hidden behind a sand dune, pounding Zigu, who was out of sight. His agonized screams could be heard all the way to Redwall Abbey.
"Um, okay," called Sabertache. "I think you got him."
"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Bluefen called back, and went back to hitting Zigu.
Finally she left that off and hurried over to Fordpetal.
"Are you all right, sweetie?" she asked in a soft, concerned voice.
Zigu was racing across the beach. "PHYSCO!" he yelled across his shoulder.
"YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!" Bluefen roared over her own shoulder. Then she said to Fordpetal in a tone that was gentle and kind again. "Are you all right, honey? Good, good; we'll get you back up to the mountain, and then you can get healed, and then you and Bradders can get married--"
"LOOK OUT!" screamed one of the hares.
Bluefen whirled around just in time to see Swartt come flying at her. He embraced her, and gave his wife a big smoocheroo right on the kisser!
Kelaiah: Well, that was nice, wasn't it?
Bluefen: Yes, it was.
Kelaiah: Oh yes, I better erase your memory, Mr. Bachelor; you're not supposed to find out who these bacherlettes are till the end of the show. (Takes out a little laser thingy that's not supposed to exist in Mossflower, but then again they don't have dating games in Mossflower either, so who cares?)
Swartt: Whoa. What happened? Who was the girl who beat up Zigu? I don't remember who she is. I just remember Zigu getting the seaweed grog beat out of him by a skinny little girl.
Zigu:(From the audience) Yeah, and it hurt! Ow! (Adjusts a bandage.)
Bluefen: Serves you right. Oh, and Mr. Bachelor, thank you for calling me skinny.
Swartt: Your welcome.
Fordpetal:(From the audience) Oh, thank you soooo much for saving my life! Me and Bradders are married, and we have a daughter named "Bluefen."
Kelaiah: Uh, oh. Looks like we have to erase your memory again, Mr. Bachelor.
Swartt: Would you knock it off?!
Fordpetal: Oh, sorry.
Bluefen: Your welcome, Ford, and thank you!
Kelaiah: Now then, how about if Mr. Bachelor asks Contestant No. 2 the same question?
Swartt: Oh, yeah. Um, Contestant No. 2, what is a dream you will never forget?
Silth: All my dreams.
Swartt: All your dreams?
Silth: Yes; they're all the same.
Swartt:(sarcastic) Oh, how exciting.
Silth: Yes, I know. It's where I own Snow White's step-mother's magic mirror. I ask it, "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest female vermin of all?"
Don't tell me, let me guess. It says your name all the
Silth: Well, no, actually. I mean, it used to, but lately it hasn't! It's been saying someone else's name!
Swartt: Well, who is it?
Silth: . . . Bluefen!
(Bluefen sits up. Her eyes look from side to side. Then she scoots her chair away from Silth, who is staring murderously at her.)
Swartt: Hmmm, y'know, I agree.
Silth: On what?
Swartt: That Bluefen is the fairest female vermin.
Swartt: Yes, she's the only female vermin where it says outright that she's physically attractive.
Silth: Well what about m--I mean, what about Silth? Everyone was singing songs about how the stars could not compare with her beauty.
Swartt: Yeah, but they could've just been saying that. Just like with Urgan and Rasconza and Plugg Firetail when they called Silvamord, Sagitar, and Kurda "beauties." They could've just been saying that. Those girls could've been really ugly for all we know!
Silth: WHAT? Why I oughta--
(Silth tries to get past the curtain separating Swartt from the bachlerettes. The body guards, who are badgers, grab the vixen and set her firmly back in her chair.)
Kelaiah: Now, then, I think our bachelor should ask Contestant No. 3 the question now.
Swartt: Uh, yeah. Um, Contestant No. 3, what is a dream you'll never forget?
Celadine: Oh, there are so many to choose from. There's that one where I put on a spectacular performance and the audience goes wild; then there's the one where I am made Queen of Mossflower; and there's that one where me and Felldoh get married.
Swartt: Huh, your dream is Felldoh's nightmare.
Celadine: But actually, there really IS a dream that I'll never forget!
Is it where your magic mirror tells you that someone else is the
fairest female woodlander of all?
Celadine:(amazed) How did you know?
Swartt: Wild guess. Well, who was named the fairest female woodlander?
Celadine: Laterose of Noonvale!
Martin:(from the audience) Of course she is!
Rose:(from the audience) Martin, please!
Celandine: But guess what? I asked it who was the fairest squirrelmaid and it didn't say my name either! It said Fwirl!
Swartt: Fwirl? Who's Fwirl?
Celadine: She's from Taggerung. She's that one squirrel with the red-gold tail.
Swartt: Wow. No wonder she's the fairest squirrelmaid.
Celadine: Well that's a title that should belong to me!
Swartt: Nah, Fwirl sounded a lot more prettier. Wait, you're a squirrelmaid?
Swartt: Cut it out!
Kelaiah: NO! You are not supposed to know who these girls are till the end of the show!
Swartt: Oh, who cares?
Kelaiah: I CARE! It's MY show! Now ask the last question!
Swartt: Fine. Contestant No. 1, who were your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?
Bluefen: I like all the good guys. And of the bad guys, I liked Cluny the Scrouge, Slagar the Cruel, and Ublaz Mad Eyes, but I think Swartt Sixclaw was the best of them.
Bluefen: Really. Plus I also liked Veil, but (glances out at Veil) he kind of disappointed me. I was hoping my little boy would be good in the end. But instead Brian Jacques made it so that it would be up to the reader to decide if Veil was good or not. I really hate Brian for that! I really do!
Swartt: Wait, Bluefen--?
Swartt: KNOCK IT OFF!
Kelaiah: NO. Now get on with the question.
Swartt: Fine. Contestant No. 2, who were your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?
Silth: My favorite character was Queen Silth.
Silth: And what?
Swartt: Don't you have any other favorite characters?
Silth: No. Why should I?
Swartt:(sigh) Never mind. Contestant No. 3, who are your favorite heroes and bad guys in the Redwall series?
Celadine: Well, I loved Celadine. I thought she was so beautiful. And I also loved Felldoh. So strong and handsome. I also loved Martin, Matthias, Mattemeo, Martin II, Arven, Deyna, Ferahgo, Klitch, Ublaz, Dandin, Rakkety Tam, Dannflor, Mokkan, Gelltor, Ascord, Ruggan Bol, Rufe Brush, Shard, Badrang, Samkim, Nimbalo, Swartt, Veil, Zigu, and Vilu.
Swartt: Sounds like you like only the cute ones.
Celadine: Oh, yes; only the cute ones.
Kelaiah: Well, those are all the questions that our bachelor will be asking the bachelorettes. And now, he must go through the very hard--
Swartt: Number 1.
Swartt: Number 1.
Swartt: Number 1!
Swartt: NUMBER 1!
Swartt: NUMBER 1!
Kelaiah: --decision. Well, Mr. Bachelor. What is your decision?
Swartt: NUMBER 1!
Kelaiah: Alright, you don't have to shout. Now, if Bachelorette No. 3 would come out so that our bachelor can see who he passed up?
(Celadine comes out from behind the curtain.)
Celadine: HEY! You're one of the guys that I said was cute!
Swartt: Yeah, but, we're different species. It'd never work out.
Celadine: Well, we can still look at each other.
Swartt: Go away.
(Celadine flounces off.)
Kelaiah: Good. Now, if Bachelorette No.2 would come out?
(Silth comes out from behind the curtain.)
Silth: I like that blue cloak, but that war paint is hideous!
Swartt: WHAT? Well, what do you know? You let yourself get poisoned by your daughter!
Silth: Yeah, well your child probably would've done the same to you. He probably would, too. Wasn't he called 'The Poisoner?'
Swartt: KNOCK IT OFF!
Kelaiah: No, no, we did that to Bachelorette No. 1. We couldn't have her already finding out who you are, could we?
Swartt: Well, no, I guess not.
Silth: Say, can I have that cloak? It's magnificent.
Silth: But I need it for my castle!
Swartt: No. Go away.
Nightshade:(from audience) Yeah! Beat it! There's only ONE vixen in Swartt Sixclaw's life, and that's me!
Kelaiah: We did that to Bluefen, not you, Bachelor.
Swartt: I figured that. Wait, Bluefen--?
Kelaiah: And now, if the two new couples would stand in front of the curtain so that they will see each other when it is parted.
(Swartt and Bluefen stand on either side of the curtain, just opposite of each other. The curtain parts. There is a moment of surprised silence.)
Swartt/Bluefen: What are you doing here?! You went on a dating game when you were married to me?! Well, Veil talked me into it. He said it'd be just for fun, and I--
(Both ferrets stop and look out at the audience at their son. Veil smiles innocently and waves at them.)
Swartt: Wait, Bluefen. You mean that you were the one who beat up Zigu with a piece of driftwood?
Bluefen: And you were the one who said that I was the fairest female vermin! Awwww.
Swartt: Come 'ere you!
(Swartt and Bluefen embrace each other lovingly and kiss passionately. The crowd goes wild with applause.)
Kelaiah: And now, Mr. and Mrs. Sixclaw, you both win a free trip on a really expensive ship to the tropics, where you will stay at a fancy hotel with a hot tub, and feast at gourmet restaurants.
(But the couple don't seem to notice what Kelaiah is saying. They continue to kiss all over each other's face.)
Kelaiah: Ummm, they don't really seem to care. Uh, hey Veil, since you're their son, why don't you hold onto them for them and make certain that they'll use them, ok?
Veil:(jumping up onto the stage) Ok.
Kelaiah:(Hands Veil the tickets.) I like your attitude, young un. Well, thank you, everyone, for coming onto my show. Please come again. And if you have ideas for this show, don't be shy. I'd love to see them! Oh, and thank you, Veil, for getting your parents to do this.
Veil:(Shrugs) I got tired of us being another dysfunctional vermin family, so yeah. . .
Kelaiah: Well, that takes care of that. Goodnight, everyone. Silth, Celadine, thank you for coming onto my show. And somebeast please get the Sixclaw couple out of here. They're going to wear out their lips with all that kissing.
Swartt and Bluefen had the time of their lives on their trip. They were almost always wrapped in each other's arms. They frolicked in the waves, on the shore and among the trees. They ate romantic dinners, drank intoxicating drinks together, swam in hot tubs, and performed various other activities for married couples.
Silth never got over the fact that Bluefen was prettier than she was, but she occupied herself with filling her home with more beautiful things. Her children are very mad at Kelaiah for this.
Celadine received the shock of her life: Felldoh was in love with Trefoil! However, the squirrelmaid soon found herself over Felldoh and in love with Rufe Brush.
Fordpetal and Bradders got married and now they have a beautiful blue-eyed daughter named Bluefen.
Zigu is still recovering from his wounds and his broken pride.
Kelaiah is waiting for someone to give him an idea for a next couple that they would like paired on this show. He's willing to take any that sound good.