A/N: This chapter has characters from BJ's latest book, "The Sable Quean", so I'll try not to give out too many spoilers for those who might not have already read it.


Kel: (clad in an extremely expensive-looking suit) Alrighty, its been eons since this little fic has been updated. But that's the trouble with fics like this; they don't have an ending! Ha ha ha...

Audience: (Silence)

Kel: Ahem. Anyway... and we're back with another episode of Redwall Dating Game! I am your host, the handsome Kelaiah, and here we have a brand new batch of bachelors and bachelorettes! Now then, let us welcome our bachelorettes!

(Three females walk out onto the even-more-glittery-than-usual stage, and seat themselves on the princess-like thrones on one side of the red velvet curtain.)

Kel: Welcome, ladies!

Atunra: Greetings, Kelaiah.

Vilaya: Hello, Kelaiah.

Ashleg: Er, am I in the right place?

Kel: (suddenly taking notice) What-? Ew, what-? What are you doing here? Where's Bachelorette No. 3?

Arawolf Beechclaw: Here I am.

Audience: (goes wild with applause)

Ashleg: (looking relieved) Oh good. Well then, I'll just... be on my way... (scuttles backstage)

Ara: (strolls over and seats herself with some distaste on the glittery pink throne)

Kel: Right. Now, for a little disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, nor do I own Arawolf Beechclaw, who is being used by my human alter-ego without permission, but he assured me LittlePsychoWolf wouldn't mind, as this was partially her idea in the first place.

Ara: (shrug) Can't argue with that.

Kel: And now, ladies and gentlebeasts, give a warm welcome to our new bachelor!

(Ublaz Mad-Eyes walks out, waving grandly. The Monitor Lizards loyally clap, although the corsairs and Trident Rats boo. The woodlanders are divided: they either politely clap or join in on the booing. Ublaz hushes up the booers with his hypnotic stare, although it does take him awhile as there are so many of them.)

Kel: Mr. Bachelor, please take your seat.

Ublaz: Humph! If my crown were complete with the Pearls of Lutra, I'd be able to hypnotize them all with one glance!

Grath: (from the audience) Yeah, but you can't! So there, HAH!

Ublaz: SILENCE, RIVERDOG!

Kel: PLEASE, PEOPLE! Can we get on with this episode?

Every Redwall Character: (gasps) He called us PEOPLE!

Ara: (snickers)

Kel: (glares at Ara before turning to the others) Alright, fine, my apologies. I mean 'animals'.

Every Redwall Character: Fine.

Kel: Yes, now... let us start off with Mr. Bachelor asking the bachelorettes some questions.

Ublaz: Alright, then. Ladies, which one of you is the prettiest?

Vilaya: I am, without a doubt.

Kel: (sputters) No, no! I mean the questions on the cards, Ublaz!

Ublaz: Forgive me, Kelaiah, but I've seen your show, and frankly... your questions... well, they suck.

Kel: (swells up like a bullfrog) Yes, I know, which is why I created some NEW questions!

Ublaz: Oh! Well then, alright... um, Bacherlorette No. 1, what is your greatest desire?

Atunra: Oh, I'm a little divided on that. One desire is to seek revenge on the animals who killed me.

Yund/Pitru: (in the audience; gulp and sink lower into their seats as Riggu Felis glares at them)

Ublaz: Hm, an understandable desire. (glances at Martin the Second, who stares fearlessly back) What's the other one?

Atunra: To have and to hold Ublaz Mad-Eyes for all eternity!

Ublaz: (looks a little taken aback) Um... really?

Atunra: Yes! He and I will be married and we will have children and-

Ublaz: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! No WAY am I having any brats-!

Zap.

Kel: Now, now, Mr. Bachelor. You know you're not allowed to reveal yourself until the end of the show.

Ublaz: (snorts and mutters) I'm still not having any brats, you can count on that.

Kel: Fine, but just keep the rules in mind or I'll be forced to take away your hypnotic skills and have you babysit baby Arven!

Baby Arven: (giggles maniacally)

Ublaz: (blanches) No, no! I'll be good! I promise!

Kel: Good. Now get on with the questions.

Ublaz: Fine, fine... um, Bachelorette No. 2, what is your greatest desire?

Vilaya: To be revered, really. To rule over Redwall Abbey as I was meant to. Oh, and to seek vengeance on those who defied and killed me.

(Said creatures who did these things to Vilaya in the audience snort derisively)

Ublaz: (smiles) Most admirable desires, my dear.

Vilaya: Thank you. And don't call me your dear, nothings settled yet... sweetie.

Ublaz: (grins)

Kel: AHEM.

Ublaz: Whatever. Now then, Bachelorette No. 3, what is your greatest desire?

Ara: Ooh, that's a toughy... I guess the most obvious one would be to rid the whole literary world of the pure evil and vileness that is Mary Sue.

Ublaz: Nothing wrong with that.

Ara: Also, I'd love to come in contact with Jack Sparrow, of course. And wouldn't mind a lifetime supply of chocolate. And maybe a Cthulhu plushie...

Ublaz: A... what?

Ara: A Cthulhu plushie!

Ublaz: What's... a... Cthulhu?

Kel: Its a big, slimy, disgusting squid monster.

Ara: Well, that's not exactly what it is...

Kel: (blinks) It isn't?

Ara: No. Kel... are you telling me that throughout all our adventures together that you NEVER had any idea what Cthulhu was? I'm sure I explained it to you!

Kel: (shrugs) ...Oh yeah.

Zap.

Ublaz: Ugh, what-?

Kel: Had to modify your memory, Mr. Bachelor, because Bachelorette No. 3 accidentally revealed herself. Sort of.

Ublaz: Hmph.

Ara: By the way, Kel, I AM going to get that whole load of my favorite chocolate from you for this, right?

Kel: YES, Ara. Oh whoops, didn't mean to say your name...

Zap.

Kel: Anyway, I always make good my promises when it comes to chocolate. And your mood swings.

Ara: (grins)

Ublaz: Yes, well, why don't we get on with the questions?

Kel: Yes, let's.

Ublaz: Would you please quiet down, Kelaiah? I'm trying to read out the questions.

Audience: (laughs)

Kel: (fumes)

Ublaz: Now then, Bachelorette No. 1, what do you look for in a mate?

Atunra: He must be everything Ublaz Mad-Eyes is!

Ublaz: Hmm... I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Atunra: It is a GOOD thing! There's nothing bad about it, because Ublaz is PERFECT!

Ublaz: Well of course I am-

Zap.

Ublaz: -but you don't give off a very pleasant aura.

Atunra: WHAT? MY AURA IS PLENTY PLEASANT! (is suddenly restrained by security badgers) AUGH!

Ublaz: Whatever. Bachelorette No. 2, what do you look for in a mate?

Vilaya: Good looks, of course. And good hygiene. And smarts - though I don't really want him to be smarter than I. And rich, I'd like him to be rich.

Ublaz: (smiles seductively) How lovely. Those happen to be the qualities I look for in a mate, too.

Vilaya: (also smiles seductively) Really?

Ublaz: (smiles all the more seductively) Rrreally.

Kel: Ahem.

Ublaz: Fine. Now, Bachelorette No. 3, what do you look for in a mate?

Ara: (grins evilly and mimics Kurda's accent) I vill tell you vot I look for in a mate...

Kel: (waves lazer threateningly) Hey, I'm warnin' you!

Ara: (smirks) Relax, Kel. I look for males who know how told hold their rum. Er, seaweed grog. ...Whichever.

Ublaz: ...Uh-huh. So... yeah. Um, Bachelorette No. 1, who is your favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Audience: (laughs)

Rasconza: (looks around, confused) Huh? What happened?

Kel: Let's just say that I hope people have read 'Redwall Fanmail' before reading this, otherwise they'd think I'm plagarizing Snowfur's show.

Rasconza: Huh?

Kel: Never mind. Now, Bachelorette No. 1, could you answer Mr. Bachelor's question, please?

Atunra: Ublaz Mad-Eyes is my favorite character. Oh, and Riggu Felis. And Atunra. Heeheehee!

Ublaz: Hm. Not... too bad choices, I suppose...

Atunra: Like favoring Atunra is a bad thing?

Ublaz: ...Bachelorette No. 2, who is your-

Atunra: HEY! I'm talkin' to you!

Ublaz: Well I'm not talking to you.

Atunra: You just did.

Ublaz: Whatever. Bachelorette No. 2, who is your favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Bane: (from the audience) Heh heh, glad it wore out on me.

Vilaya: (ignoring the foxes) My all time favorite is Vilaya, the Sable Quean.

Ublaz: Oh yeah, I liked her too.

Vilaya: Rrreally?

Ublaz: Yep, she's easily the most beautiful female vermin of all.

Vilaya: Awww.

Swartt: (from the audience) No, she's not! BLUEFEN is!

Bluefen: (sitting next to Swartt) Awwwww!

Ublaz: Keep dreaming.

Swartt: WHY YOU-AUGH! (gets tazered by Steve)

Kel: AACK! STEVE, NO! (uses lazer to take the tazer away)

Steve: Huh?

Kel: Steve, go sit in the corner! NOW!

Steve: (pouts and goes over to the corner)

Kel: Ahem, now...

Ublaz: Bachelorette No. 3, who is your favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Ara: Barranca.

Barranca: (from the audience) YES! I got a fangirl!

Ara: (glares at the stoat) I'm NOT a fangirl, you twit!

Barranca: (deflates) Oh. Oh well.

Ublaz: Well either way, I think that's a terrible choice.

Ara: It's better than you.

Ublaz: WHAT? You don't even know who I am!

Ara: Doesn't matter.

Kel: WHATEVER. Just please get on with the questions, Ublaz. Oops, I mean-

Zap.

Kel: -Mr. Bachelor.

Ublaz: Right. Um... Bachelorette No. 1, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Atunra: Pitru and Yund. (glares at said creatures, who glare right back)

Ublaz: Uh huh. Bachelorette No. 2, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Vilaya: Zwilt the Shade and that stupid badger from the same book. The female with the Mary Sue name.

Ambrevina Rockflash: (from the audience) HEY, WATCH IT!

Ublaz: (thoughtfully) I don't care for Rasconza or Sagitar or any woodlanders myself...

Kel: Whatever. Just get on with the questions.

Ublaz: Oh, do shut up, ferret.

Kel: HEY!

Ublaz: Bachelorette No. 3, who is your least favorite Redwall character?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I WANT MY MOMMY!

Ara: Gulo. He nearly ate me at one time!

Gulo: (in the audience, blinks, and turns to Shard) When did that happen?

Shard: (whispers) Just keep repressing the memories, milord. Just keep repressing the memories...

Ublaz: Lovely.

Rasconza: (from the audience) I STINK!

Audience: (roars with laughter)

Kel: (slaps forehead) Ugh, can we PLEASE just...!

Ublaz: Yes, yes, I know, I know, ask the questions... Bachelorette No. 1, what do you consider a romantic evening?

Atunra: (dreamily) A night of dancing and opera.

Ublaz: I hate dancing and I hate opera.

Atunra: Well that doesn't matter. All that matters is what UBLAZ wants.

Ublaz: Oh trust me, sweetheart, Ublaz DOESN'T want to do that stuff.

Atunra: Says you!

Kel: Whatever. Can we go on, please?

Ublaz: Bachelorette No. 2, what do you consider a romantic evening?

Vilaya: Hm... an exquisite supper, and a moonlit walk out on the beach.

Ublaz: Ooh, I like beaches. That sounds lovely.

Rasconza: (from the audience) I STINK!

Audience: (laughs)

Ublaz: Bachelorette No. 3, what do you consider a romantic evening?

Ara: Yeah, the moonlit beach does sound nice, only I'd add in some rum and Jack Sparrow.

Ublaz: ...Ee-yeah... right...

Ara: (threateningly) You DO think that's lovely, don't you, poppet?

Ublaz: ...I'm a male. Why would I think that its lovely?

Rasconza: (from the audience) I STINK!

Ara: Hm. Good point.

Kel: Alright, can we-?

Ublaz: Hang on. (looks thoughtful for a moment, then grins evilly) Lovely. Favorite.

Rasconza: (from the audience) I STINK! I WANT MY MOMMY!

Ublaz: Do you need her to give you a bath, or do you just need your diapers changed?

Audience: (roars with laughter)

Rasconza: (looks around, befuddled)

Kel: (rolls eyes) Yes, thank you for that very tasteless piece of humor. Now can we-?

Ublaz: Alright, alright... Bachelorette No. 1, how do you like to spend your days?

Atunra: Waiting on my lord and master, ministering to him and whatnot. But I would like to do that for Ublaz as well.

Ublaz: ...Right. Bachelorette No. 2, how do you like to spend your days?

Vilaya: I like to relax on my throne while my servants shower me with compliments, and I like to eat fine foods and wear silk clothing.

Ublaz: Ooh, so do I!

Vilaya: (smiles) We seem to have a lot in common.

Kel: Yes, now can we please move along?

Ublaz: Whatever. Bachelorette No. 3, how do you like to spend your days?

Ara: Singing, speaking with a British accent, sharpening pointy objects, eating chocolate, and slaying Sues with my bestest best pal in the whole wide world!

Kel: Aww.

Ublaz: (sarcastic) Oh, what soppy sentiment.

Ara: Shut up!

Kel: Alright, then, that's the end of the questions! And now, Mr. Bachelor must pick which of these three bachelorettes will be going with him on a romantic cruise!

Ublaz: Number 2.

Kel: Are you sure?

Ublaz: Yes.

Kel: Positive?

Ublaz: Yes.

Kel: Absolutely positive?

Ublaz: Yes.

Kel: So sure you could-

Ublaz: YES I WANT BACHELORETTE NO. 2!

Kel: Alright, sheesh. What's his problem? Alright now. Bachelorette No. 1, would you please come out so Mr. Bachelor can see what he passed up?

Atunra: (comes out from behind the curtain)

Ublaz: (eyes widen)

Atunra: (gasps)

Ublaz: Oh no...

Atunra: UBLAZ!

Zap.

Atunra: (glomps Ublaz) UBLAZ! UBLAZ UBLAZ UBLAZ!

Zap. Zap zap zap.

Ublaz: Get OFF me, you stalker!

Kel: Security!

(Badger security drag a wailing Atunra away)

Kel: Alright. You okay there, Ublaz?

Ublaz: (carefully wipes silk cloak) Yes, thank you.

Kel: Alright. Bachelorette No. 3, would you come out?

Ara: (comes out from behind the curtain and takes one look at Ublaz) ...Meh. (walks off)

Ublaz: (stunned that his good looks had no effect on a female)

Rasconza: (from the audience) HA!

Ublaz: (glares) Lovely, favorite.

Rasconza: (from the audience) I STINK! I WANT MY MOMMY!

Kel: Yes, we know, Rasconza.

Rasconza: (from the audience) Huh?

Kel: And now, if our new couple would stand before the curtain!

(Ublaz and Vilaya do so, carefully grooming themselves: Ublaz is clad in his gold silk cloak, a cream-colored waistsash, and his unfinished crown; Vilaya is clad in her purple silk cloak, her snake-fang necklace. The curtain finally reveals themselves to each other.)

Ublaz: ...

Vilaya: ...

(Silence. Then:)

Vilaya: (singing) Now that we've met one another...

Ublaz: (singing) Its clear we deserve each other!

Vilaya: (places paws on Ublaz's chest) You're perfect!

Ublaz: (puts paws around Vilaya's waist) You're perfect!

Vilaya/Ubaz: (turn to face the audience) So we're perfect together! Born to be forever dancing through liiiife!

(And with that, the marten and sable dance offstage, leaving everybeast else in a state of shock. Until Atunra comes back out.)

Atunra: (singing) Don't wish. Dooon't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. There's a girl I knoooow... he loves her sooo... I'm not... that... giiiiiirrrlll...

Ashleg: (suddenly appears by her side) I'm available.

Aturna: Ewww, get away from me! (whacks him upside the head)

Ashleg: Ooowww, I can never catch a break, can I?

Kel: No, you can't. Now, can somebeast please make sure that Ublaz and Vilaya get their cruise tickets please?

Dirva: I will. (As she trundles up to the stage, she whacks Zwilt with her cane along the way)

Zwilt: OUCH! (snarles, and is about the leap upon the old rat when he's tasered by Steve) AUGH!

Kel: Steve, what have I told you about... actually, never mind. I think he deserves that.

Steve: Okay. (tasers Zwilt again)

Zwilt: AUGH!

Swartt: (smirks) Glad its not me for once. AUGH! (gets randomly tasered by Steve again)


Disclaimer: I do not own Redwall, nor do I own the Wicked songs that were parodied/referenced.