A/N: This is a fun one-shot that I came up with in an effort to avoid history homework. I got the idea from the '101 Ways to Annoy Voldemort' list posted on Mugglenet. Marauders are in sixth year in this one. Enjoy!
99 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans
By: Moonlight Sapphire
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner
"Why do you sound like a five year old?"
"Dunno," remarked Sirius cheerfully. Even through the blindfold, James could sense his best friend shrugging.
"Ok, you can open your eyes now!"
"Moony?" asked James incredulously. "You're in on this hare-brained scheme too?" He pushed the blindfold off of his face and looked around, realizing that Sirius had led him back to their dorm room. Peter stood in the middle of the room with a goofy smile on his face, holding a scroll of parchment upon an exquisitely embroidered satin pillow. "Why do you have my mum's pillow?"
"That's beside the point!" Sirius knelt reverently beside the pillow, beckoning James closer. "The point is what is on the pillow; ignore the pillow itself. Although…it does add a rather nice effect doesn't it?"
"Let me take a moment to clarify that I am a red-blooded male through and through. I do not comment on the effect that satin pillows have on scrolls of parchment." James crossed his arms as if his masculinity was seeping out his very pores because of his close vicinity to the aforementioned pillow.
"It's true!" cried James defensively. "And what is that anyway?" he asked, motioning towards the scroll.
Remus cleared his throat and began speaking in scholarly tones. "This is a list - a list depicting an important part of what has made our dearly beloved Hogwarts the school that it is. You see, upon this pillow lies a scroll of parchment, which, at first glance appears to be an innocent and completely worthless piece of bark. Prepare to be amazed, as this scroll hides the secrets to your very existence, that upon which you thrive…drum roll please." Pete drummed his palms against the headboard obediently, and Sirius took the pillow.
"We, three/ fourths of the marauders, present to our bewildered counterpart, '99 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans', a list proven by past experience and soon to be taken endeavors in the future to be fool-proof."
James snorted disbelievingly. "You did not just write out 99 ways to annoy Evans when I know about a 1000."
"You might know a 1000 but this provides a handy checklist don't you think?" asked Sirius brightly, motioning to the list.
"Uh…right, of course it does…" James walked up to the pillow.
Elaborate doodles decorated the borders, depicting Lily Evans in various stages of annoyance. You could clearly see that it was her because of the crayon colored tuft of red hair sticking up from the stick figures in undefined afros. He could only assume that the person waving stick arms and running away from her with a black shock of hair was him – in some scenes he was flying away on a scrawny, twisted 'broomstick'. It amazed him that sixteen year olds were incapable of drawing a straight line. Maybe he should have kept in mind who exactly those people were.
"Like it?" asked Peter, smiling in anticipation.
"Let me guess, Moony wrote everything up and you and Padfoot added the pictures?"
"Yup!" said Peter, beaming. "You know James; I never do anything by halves. I always put a 101 into anything!"
"I'm sure you do Wormtail," replied James with a slight snigger. "I'm sure if I ever, er, forget how to read, these well-intentioned doodles with help."
Peter bowed gallantly proud of a job well done.
James looked at the elaborate title and the carefully numbered list. Running his eyes down it, he couldn't help but laugh, remembering quite clearly a time when he had done some of these things.
99 Ways to Annoy Lily Evans
1) Make fun of her red hair by calling her Raggedy Ann, Carrot-top etc.
2) When seeing the Lily walking down the hall, ruffle your hair in an annoying and pompous manner.
3) Pull pranks and ask her why she never 'joins the fun'.
4) Ask her if she ever does has fun. Ever.
5) Put various pond-life in her bed with a note complimenting her 'beautiful, pond-scum-green, toad-like eyes'.
6) Ask her out repeatedly. Refuse to take 'no' for an answer.
7) Ask her why she doesn't give that 'sweet, little boy who seems to love her so much' a chance.
8) If you're a girl, compliment James Potter profusely and sigh adoringly as he walks by. If you're a boy, re-enact in vivid detail each and every move James Potter has made on the Quidditch field and wink and pat him on the back for 'getting the ladies'. Make sure that Lily Evans can see you; otherwise, the effect is totally lost.
9) Make fun of her lack of Quidditch-expertise, or, more accurately, lack thereof.
10) Call her cutesy nicknames like Lilykins, Lilypoo, Lilybean, and 'My Beautiful Flower'.
11) When she is yelling at you and turning a remarkably attractive shade of umber, look into her eyes and breathlessly whisper, "Do you know how hot you look when you're mad?" Be sure to step aside as she delivers a well-aimed kick to the shin...if you're lucky, she won't be in TERRIBLY bad mood and decide that aiming a little bit north of your shin would be too cruel.
12) Mimic everything she says in a high-pitched voice.
13) When she is yelling at someone, as she is prone to do, walk behind her, mocking her every action.
14) Whenever she comes up with an idea, put on a serious face and ask her if she has reviewed the rules one more time, to make sure it's the 'right thing to do'.
15) Make fun of her when she calls a quaffle a 'waffle' and Wronksi Feints 'Wonky Dives'.
16) Steal her prefect badge.
17) Blame it on Potter.
18) Laugh inwardly as she chases him around yelling at him and asking for it back.
19) Wince as Potter asks her out yet again and gets a solid kick, causing him to double over in pain, before saying, in loud dramatic tones "Why, Evans, Why?" Proceed to huff and stalk off.
20) Ask her if she can give you directions to the 'big place with all the books' since she seems to live there.
21) In grave tones, inform her of the fact that writing down everything that comes out of a teacher's mouth will not help her in life.
22) Tell her that rules are meant to be broken. Wait eagerly as she builds up steam and be sure to have your running shoes on that day.
23) Ask her why she holds such a grudge and ask her what the aforementioned 'sweet, little boy who seems to love her so much' has ever done to her.
24) Tell her that yelling and stressing out so much isn't healthy and that she should meditate for an hour everyday to 'be one with the world' and 'find her chi'.
25) To help her in her stress-relieving efforts, rearrange her room to better 'harmonize the creative energies that flow from her to everything around her'.
26) If all else fails, buy her a stress ball and put caution labels all over it. 'CAUTION: Not for chucking at innocent bystanders'.
27) When she comes down for breakfast give her a knowing smile and tell her that she has the messy, just-rolled-out-of-bed look down.
28) When Lily smiles at Slughorn for one of his inane comments, whisper 'suck-up' as loud as humanely possible. When she turns to glare at you, whistle innocently and look away.
29) Black-mail a first year into approaching her carefully and fearfully asking her is she was the girl 'who reduced Stacy Milford to tears that one time for breathing too loudly in the common room during exam time'.
30) Pinch her.
31) But plastic barf on her plate and step back to watch the reaction.
32) Sing loud and obnoxious songs outside her dorm window the night before OWLS.
33) Question her ceaselessly about her unhealthy fascination with Giant Squids.
34) Rush to reassure her that she can do much, much better than marine life if she just gave Potter a chance.
35) Follow her around, incessantly asking her why she won't give Potter a chance and remember to duck every time she chucks something at you.
36) For every birthday or Christmas give her a box of Zonko's products and write her a note hoping that she will 'put them to good use'.
37) Repeatedly get her name wrong with some other flower name i.e. Daisy, Rose, Petunia etc.
38) Poke her. Ask her if this annoys her. Poke her again. Repeat until she threatens to maim you. Then, smile, shrug, and say, "Jeez, Lilykins if you thought it was THAT annoying you should have said something...".
39) Ask her why she is such a 'party-pooper'. Chuckle when you say 'party-pooper' and then go about repeating the words continuously, "Party-pooper, party-pooper, party-pooper..." It is also helpful to change the phrase as you go along "Panrty-poopy, party-poppy, parti-poopay…"
40) Ask her if she has a social life.
41) Get her drunk.
42) Sniffle incessantly, and when she glares at you, tell her that you are 'getting over a cold'. Punctuate this by sneezing on her.
43) Ask her why she didn't name her owl 'Owl' since this would be the 'practical thing to do'.
44) Reply to everything she says with 'Well, that's what YOU think'.
45) Invent nonsense hexes, jinxes, and spells and include them in daily conversation to see if she will play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
46) When she is talking to you, signal the end of the conversation by clamping your hands over your ears while singing, 'I can't hear you! La la la la...I can't hear you!'
47) Sneak into her room and set her alarm clock to go off at random times of the day and night.
48) Stand over her shoulder while she reads, mumbling nonsense.
49) Rearrange all the books on the library shelves.
50) Ask her if she is a boy, a girl, or a 'he-she'.
51) Borrow one of her quills and chew on it in plain sight before blithely returning it.
52) Ask her if she wants to be a 'Professional Study-er' when she grow up since she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time doing nothing but studying.
53) Start a James Potter Fan Club and ask her to be president.
54) Act morally offended when she refuses.
55) Tell her that this 'petty grudge' is really not such an 'attractive quality'.
56) Charm large gusts of winds to blow through the hallway as she walks by in hopes that her skirt will blow up. If she realizes what you're up too, cover your mouth with your hands in mock horror and sprint down the hallways shrieking 'hurricane'.
57) Ask her to help you with your homework and then dispute everything she says in a know-it-all voice uncannily similar to her own.
58) Sing 'James and Lily sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G...' over and over again.
59) If you're feeling particularly daring, whenever James and Lily are near each other hum 'Here comes the bride...' as loudly and annoyingly as possible.
60) Ask her if she practices her 'stern, Prefect look' in the bathroom mirror. Tell her that keeping the truth to herself isn't going to help matters, when she denies it.
61) Tell her you know this great place that offers anger management classes and if she really wanted, you could get her a discount price.
62) Tell her that she is going to live to be 101 years in a sweet little cottage surrounded by a white picket fence with Potter and have seven children and twenty-five grandchildren.
63) Ask if she is going to name her first-born son 'Lames' and her first born daughter 'Jily'. Tell her this would be the cutest thing to do.
64) Write 'James + Lily 2Gether 4Ever' in every bathroom stall in the castle.
65) Showing concern, ask if her sarcastic remarks are a poorly disguised veil for a deeper issue that she hides from the world.
66) Wonder aloud if her need to be right all the time, or at least, right any wrong in her path, could be classified as a 'complex'.
67) Send Potter love letters under her name and when he asks her about them in the common room be sure to get a good seat to watch the fireworks.
68) Tell her that the Marauders are planning a prank.
69) Turn her hair bubble-gum pink and tell her that it's an upgrade from that 'nasty, over-cooked tomato look that you were sporting earlier'.
70) When Lily walks by, comment 'Mars is especially bright tonight'. When she informs you that you cannot see Mars from here tell her in a worldly voice that she doesn't have 'the Sight' and therefore wouldn't 'Know'.
71) Laugh hysterically as you remind her that the only class she ever failed was the flying one in first year. Emphasis on 'failed'.
72) If you're feeling lucky, re-enact the sordid scene of how she fell off her broomstick when it was hovering two inches off the ground and insisted to be taken to the Hospital Wing.
73) When attending Quidditch matches, sit behind her, and if James is playing, narrate his every move. When he makes a particularly brilliant move, jump up and down and scream as loud as you can near her ear. Say this is to 'show your support'.
74) Make her a t-shirt that proclaims in moving, capital letters 'I love James Potter'. Throw a fit when she chucks it back at you and vow to never waste your 'creative talents on the likes of her again!' before stomping out. Be sure to do this in a highly public area such as the Great Hall.
75) Ask her to exclaim in minute detail exactly why she cannot stand James Potter. When she is done, scoff and say, "Is that all?"
76) Fashion voodoo dolls resembling her and James Potter, with a mop of red yarn for her and a few twigs tied together to look like a broomstick for Potter, and re-enact all their screaming fights in high-pitched and extremely childish voices.
77) If you're really daring, bring the dolls together and together again and every time they 'kiss' make a loud, popping sound...right in her ear.
78) Knit red and gold scarves with the words 'Potter's Girl' on them and tell her to buy one to show her 'Quidditch spirit'. Comment that all the proceeds from this will go to liberate the 'poor, funny-looking house elves that work day and night to make the wizarding world a better place - by eradicating scum and being all around helpful'. Then, with big puppy-dog eyes look up at her and add that your best childhood friend was your own house elf - Blinky.
79) When she refuses yet again and accuses you of lying, burst into hysterical tears because Blinky died when you were seven. Before you rush up to your dorm, shoot her an accusing glare as if the death of Blinky had something to do with her reluctance to buy a perfectly festive scarf.
80) Refuse to be comforted.
81) Go to James next and comment that Lily was buying his 'Potter's Girl' scarves by the armload. Sit back and watch the fireworks.
82) Spread rumors that you saw Lily and James making out in a deserted classroom and that she would naturally deny it as 'part of the plan she came up with lover boy'. Deny all claims that you had the slightest bit to do with any of this.
83) Accidentally call her Lily Potter.
84) Wonder aloud if this sounds better than Lily Evans.
85) Conclude that is does and ask her to hurry up and change her name already.
86) Draw pictures of her children. Make sure all the boys carry broomsticks and have wind-swept, black hair and her green eyes ('Isn't that sooo cute?'). Leave this drawings lying around...after plastering a few dozen in her dorm room of course.
87) Walk behind her and continually step on the heels of her shoes
88) Steal her text books, notes, and all such materials and hold them hostage until she promises to declare her undying love for Potter from the peak of the Gryffindor Tower.
89) When she naturally refuses, tell her to do it or you'll graffiti her books and notes.
90) When she refuses yet again, threaten to burn the aforementioned materials by sending her a note on a charred piece of paper.
91) Take pictures of her performance, complete with voice bubbles, and post them around the castle.
92) Tell Potter that she did this by choice. Sit back and watch the fireworks...again.
93) Hand out 'James Potter for Head Boy and Head Girl' badges. When she comments that it is not an election, reply with the standard, "That's what YOU think." When she points out that he can't be both Head Boy and Head Girl reply with, "Well, since James is so awesome I figure you don't need a Head Girl!" Then, petition to have the post done away with all together just for next year to 'try it'.
94) Flick the back of her head repeatedly. When she turns around to glare at you flick her forehead...and run.
95) Compose a song depicting the 'epic love story of a couple who were meant to be...if only the silly, red-headed maiden would realize it'. Be sure to sing it at all available moments.
96) Attempt to lick your elbow or your nose, even though you know that it is physically impossible (at least for you), in front of her.
97) Mash your potatoes into your gravy, smack your lips, take a bite, and smile a wide, open mouthed smile and say 'Yum'. Make sure you're sitting right in front of her though.
98) Be stupid and annoying.
99) Be James Potter...and ask her out.
James, who had been smiling throughout, burst out into full-blown laughter at number ninety-nine. "I guess I just annoy her overall don't I?" he asked, eyes twinkling with suppressed mirth.
"Really? And here I always thought she just didn't like you. Although, that's true too…" added Remus, pondering this not-really-new information. "Some of the stuff on there isn't something you can actually do, so we just do it for you!"
"Well, I'm sure that any of you doing some of these things would drive her up the wall," said James, grinning. "I better get downstairs and divert her attention."
"And how are you going to do that?" asked Peter. He received 'duh' looks from his friends. "Oh, right…" he trailed off foolishly.
"But James," spoke up Remus, who couldn't resist adding a cautionary remark. "You might not what to do ALL those things right now…"
"Oh please, Moony, what's life without risks? And besides what is she going to do to me?"
"Uh, she could always remove the," here Peter lowered his voice and imparted the following words in a scandalized whisper, causing the other three to lean in closer, "the…baby-maker!"
James chuckled. "Don't think so Pete. Beside, then little Harry will never be born! Or, Lames and Jily I should say." He grinned at his friends.
"So you really like it?" asked Sirius earnestly, something quite out of character for him.
"Yea, thanks guys," replied James sincerely.
Sirius leaned over to Remus and whispered. "We're the ones who are going to have all the fun when Evans decided to remove his," he sniggered loudly, "'baby-maker'".
James, oblivious to his friend's conversation almost skipped down the stairs (the operative words being 'almost' – real men do NOT skip) in glee quite ready to try out some of these tactics on 'Lilykins/Lilybean/Lilypoo' (he wasn't quite sure which one he wanted to use yet).
Sirius, Remus, and Peter hurried after him, but before they caught sight of him again, the 'fireworks' had started.
"What do you think he did to get her riled up so fast?" questioned Remus, his mouth twitching.
"The flicking one, of course," stated Sirius, matter-of-factly.
Sirius's words were confirmed when they reached the foot of the stairwell. An enraged Lily was yelling at James in a corner, a crimson mark displayed prominently in the center of the forehead. It complimented her hair nicely, and when James mentioned this fact, the flush of anger that suffused the prefect's face almost hid the mark.
Sirius rubbed his hands in glee. "10 galleons he tries the 'you look hot' one."
As if one cue, James's voice was heard over Lily yells. "Do you know how hot you look when you're mad?" The boy had even added a gusty little sigh at the end for effect!
Apparently, that day Lily had been a particularly bad mood and decided that aiming a little north of his shin wasn't out of the question.
The three marauders, who were still lurking near the stairwell, quite afraid to come out now, winced in unison for their friend.
"Do you think he forgot to step aside?
James's painful yells echoed loudly in the common room, deafening quite a few individuals. As Sirius ran in with some hastily conjured ice, he grinned. Despite his pain, James was smirking and reviewing his 'handy checklist'.
When a 20 year old Lily was sorting through her husband's belongings one day in an effort to do something vaguely domestic and actually clean, she came across an elaborately, but childishly, decorated scroll along with a picture of her 16 year old self yelling at James.
As Lily read the list, she began to smile, unable to help the laughter building within.
When James comes home, she vowed, he's going to receive a sharp kick…for old times sake.
A/N: Well…what did you think? Please review to let me know!
Also, I have a joint account with my beta Lady in Scarlett where we are writing a LJ fanfic called Moments Lost in Time. It's posted under the penname Caeruleus Libellus and so far we've posted four chapters with the promise of more!
Here's the site and the summary if you're interested and want to run a search for it.
Title: Moments Lost in Time
Author Pename: Caeruleus Libellus
"It's great to find a special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." James loved Lily, so he annoyed her. You've seen it before, but never like this. He loves her...she hates him. He hates her...she couldn't care less. He changes...now what?
Go check it out!
But before you do, please review!
Moonlight Sapphire - or as my beta insists on calling me – Sapphy rolls eyes D