Summary: A Meredith Grey story. To learn to live, you have to let go... To learn to let go, you have to have someone new to hold onto… R&R please. MerDer, Mer/Other.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and most certainly no one. I'm a borrower, Shonda Rhimes is the librarian.


The sun was nowhere to be seen, covered by the clouds that weren't about to leave. It's been raining since dawn and there's no indication of it stopping anytime soon.

In the busy side of town, people wore yellow raincoats and hooded jackets to cover up their bodies from the harsh pouring of the rain. They walked quietly, greatly concentrating on the steps they take, careful not to step on a puddle, careful not to slip and fall down.

In the other side of town, people sat at home and enjoyed the day. Sipping their hot coffees and teas, enjoying their little Danish biscuits as they lightly chatted the day away.

In the farthest side of town, where no one could hear anything but the gentle pitter patter of the rain, a woman's heart was crying …

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Chapter 1
If I don't say this now I will surely break
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Meredith Grey-Shepherd watched the tiny droplets of water that made its way to the small window of the tiny trailer. It was almost noon and she hasn't moved from the spot she woke up in. She needed this. She needed the time to think. She needed the time to muster up all her courage at what she was about to do. She looked at the clock beside the bed. 11:45, the red numbers displayed. She sighed deeply, carelessly grabbing the comforter on top of her and threw it to the side. She got out of the bed and walked to the small cabinet that contained her clothes. She didn't have a lot of those, there was no room for clothes in their small trailer. She went down on all fours and reached under the bed for her suitcase, the one she so often used when she went on short trips, and placed it on top of the bed. She looked at it unsatisfactorily. It wouldn't do. This was not going to be a short trip. She opened the cabinet and decided she's only going to take her best ones. No, she shook her head. She was going to take everything. She didn't want anything of hers to stay. She wanted all of her to disappear from his life.

It took her half an hour to fit everything in the suitcase. She rolled it out of the trailer, not bothering to put on a coat, and placed it inside her car. She went back inside and sat down on the small dining table. Her eyes trailed towards the sole picture frame that hung on the wall. Their wedding picture.

Addison's appearance three years ago was just a small memory in Meredith's mind. Derek signed the divorce papers immediately that night. He didn't even ask for a moment to doubt. He said he knew that his hearts was hers. They got married a year later. It was a simple ceremony held by the trailer. Meredith looked out the window and she saw the exact spot where she and Derek shared their first kiss as husband and wife. That was one of the happiest days of her life, his too, as he said that night of their wedding.

They were happy. That was until Addison appeared in Seattle 8 months ago. It was at that time that Meredith realized that 11 years of marriage didn't go down the drain as easily as he said, that his 11 years of marriage to Addison would always be stronger than their 1 year of marriage. It was at that time that Meredith realized that Derek Shepherd's heart was never hers and it'll never be hers.

It was sad for her to admit that she never got him to love her completely. Much worse was for her to admit that her marriage was just a façade.

He spent more and more time in the hospital, drowning his self in his work. He found even more reason to work when he was promoted to Chief of Surgery. They didn't even celebrate it over dinner, they didn't even celebrate it at all. But she heard that he celebrated with some colleagues in the hospital, Addison Montgomery to be exact. She didn't want to cry, she didn't want to cry when there was no reason to cry. She didn't want to waste her tears when there was no viable reason for her to do so. So she didn't.

She held back her tears every time she heard something from the nurses. New gossip, as they say. Her friends, ever the protective ones, turned a deaf ear to the rumors milling around. Every time she asks them if they've heard anything, they'd shake their heads and tell her that there's nothing going one. But her heart screamed out that there was something going on.

They haven't had sex for more than a month now. He was either too tired or he wasn't even home that long that they had time to have sex. He hasn't said 'I love you' for five months. She told him she loved him just the other night, her last attempt to find a reason to stay. His reply was a small snore. She knew it was better that way. It was easy to say I love you to someone you didn't love but it was hard to say I don't love you to someone you do love. And she can't get herself to say she doesn't, because she does. She really does. But love wasn't enough anymore. When was love ever enough?

She drove to the hospital through the rain, her suitcase making a rapping sound every time she hit a bump or stepped on the brakes. She parked her car and made a run for the hospital doors, shaking the rain drops off of her jacket as she headed inside.

Christina Yang, her best friend, eyed her as she sat down on the bench between the lockers. Christina soundlessly sat down beside her and whispered. "Did you bring it?"

Meredith nodded slowly, reached inside her bag and took out the brown envelope. She handed it to Christina and Christina peaked inside it without taking out the contents and nodded. "I'll take care of it, Mer. You've got nothing to worry about." Christina gave her a reassuring smile as she patted her on the shoulder. "You can do this, Mer."

"What if I can't?" her voice cracked. She looked at her friend sadly and waited for her to say something, to reassure her once again that what she's doing is the right thing. Christina squeezed her shoulder.

"You'll do this, Mer, you'll do this for your own sake," Christina dictated as she looked at her with great vigor. "You're not doing this for him, Meredith. You're not doing this because of him. You're doing this because you love yourself. Something that everyone in this world should do, love them selves better than they love others. Because if you don't love yourself enough to do this, Mer. Then you're going to kill yourself from this pain, Mer. You're going to kill yourself."

"I'm not suicidal," Meredith managed to crack a smile. But she knew there was already a point a week ago that she wanted to do the unthinkable. The 10-blade was just right in front of her that day and it was so easy to just reach out and end her misery. But she didn't. She shook the memory from her mind and focused on her friend once again. "What's your plan?"

Christina gave her a mysterious smile as she stood up and waved the brown envelope up in the air. "Let me handle this, Mer. By the end of the day, you'll be a free woman." Christina walked out of the locker room, her hips playfully swinging making Meredith smile. Meredith had no idea how Christina was going to successfully make Derek sign those divorce papers but she was Christina, and she always got what she intended to get.


Christina's plan involved three things. Discharge forms on top, divorce paper under, and Addison Montgomery on the side. Every time Derek was busy chatting with Addison, Christina went in for the kill. She just pointed and pointed and Derek Shepherd signed. After successfully having the third divorce paper copy signed by him, Christina fought the urge to hit him on the head with the chart. She never knew a man could be that shallow and thick-headed. He didn't even notice that the discharge papers he was signing were blank. He didn't even notice that only a 'sign here' sticker was covering Meredith's name placed directly below his. She wanted to hit him hard but he was the Chief of Surgery and they were at the hospital so she fought the urge. But she did the next best thing. "Dr. Shepherd?"

"Hm?" Derek glanced at her for a second before turning his attention towards Addison once again.

"Thank you," Christina said. "The patient you just discharged thanks you and her friends thank you for finally ending her miserable stay here at the hospital" Of course, Christina was pertaining to Meredith with this and of course Derek didn't care less. He just gave her a small nod and Christina walked away, happily whistling, to find her friend and tell her the good news. She looked back at Derek Shepherd and Addison Montgomery still engaged in their private conversation talking about god knows what. Her friend really was better off.


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So basically... This is going to be a divorce fic. MerDer divorce. I made it play out that Derek didn't do the 'doubt' thing he wanted to do before signing the divorce papers, he just went at it and signed it. So you have to know that his decision wasn't really thought through and through, so when Addison comes back, those old feelings just came tumbling out. At least I think they did. But I guess we'll just have to see and find out... So, poor Meredith, her marriage with Derek is now suffering... And is ending... And as for the 'Christina Operation: Get the Papers Signed?' Isn't she just the sneakiest person in the world? ha-ha. And what an oblivious Derek! Well, he's just like that when McSatan's around. She's the ultimate distraction.

For the pairing on this one... I already have until around Chapter 8 planned out And it's still not MerDer. But they're there, still desperately trying to exist around each other. And the MerOther pairing is still winning on Chapter 8... I have no idea if I'll do a switcheroo... But it's really all a blur right now...

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And the no -Untitled- dilemna I'm having? Maybe I'll find an answer to that in time...
Maybe.