This is a missing scene from 'Playthings'. It is set after Sam passes out and before Dean goes downstairs – I hope you enjoy. It is short but you know Dean, he hates chick flick moments. Even in his head...
The Rambling Man
My brother just gave me permission to kill him. How fucked up is that?
All my life – well what I can remember of it anyways – has been about the importance of my little broken family… Keeping Sammy safe. And now, here I am sitting on the edge of my bed watching my kid brother sleep off booze.
This is just so wrong. On so many levels.
I deal in liquor… not Sam.
Since when did everything get so messed up?
I know the answer though. The second our Dad 'blessed' me with that god-forsaken secret… Save Sammy and if you can't, you might have to kill him.
First Dad's blessing on fratricide and now Sammy's… Jesus F Christ – what the hell did I ever do to deserve that? What did any of us do?
Sam thinks he's a monster. Or rather a 'monster-in-training' but what if he's wrong? What if he isn't the monster… but I am?
Maybe my brother needs to be protected from me, not me from him.
Maybe I'm the demon –
I was jealous of my mother's attention of Sammy, and she died.
I was jealous of Sam choosing Jessica over me, and she died.
I was jealous of one of my parents dying for Sam, so Dad died for me.
I – oh who the hell am I kidding? I am not the monster here, but neither is Sam. And this promise he made me make? That is just bullshit!
Dad is an ass and so is Sam…
But God help me, I love them both… but they are so stupid. They both think I am so much stronger than I am.
If I do this thing? If I kill Sammy? Then what?
That is the scariest thing of all –
I will do whatever I can to protect my brother. I don't know how to do anything less, and I will save him, even if that might mean I have to save him from himself.
But then what?
No one has the answer.
What do I want when I finally lay down my gun, and allow all knowledge of Latin to bleed out of my pores? I don't know. And that scares me the most…
Who am I if I am no longer a son or brother? Again, I don't know and heaven help me but I never want to find out.
I guess that leaves me with only one choice.
I will keep my promise to my brother.
If he becomes anything other than what he is, I will kill him. Or rather, I will kill that part of him that has changed. But so help me God I will not kill him…
And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe my 'never could hold his booze' little brother won't remember a thing about that conversation in the morning. I can hope can't I?
Man, I so need a drink…