Author's Note: This is my first attempt at humor so please be kind. I love the movie but there are certain aspects that just lend themselves to parody.
Thanks to htbthomas for her beta work. Also, she pointed me to another story with a similar plot, The Stripper Strikes Again by Rachel Smith Cobleigh. I hadn't read it when I wrote this, but now that I have I have to say that I'd highly recommend it.
Clothes Make the Man
"Clark, can you come into my office for a minute?"
"Sure. What is it, Mr. White?"
"Shut the door behind you," Perry instructed. He pointed to the empty chair in front of his desk, "Have a seat."
"Is something wrong?"
"We need to talk about your behavior here at the office."
"Yes. You have a lot of unexplained absences." Perry White twiddled his fingers in front of his face. "You seem to be under the impression that you can just pick up and leave when you want."
"Oh. I'm sorry about that. I'll try and do better."
"It's not just that. Look, I don't know how to put this… Some of your co-workers have brought it to my attention that you spend a lot of time in the broom closet. You go in but don't come out for long periods of time."
"Yeah, I see how someone might interpret that…"
"I'm not done. There's another issue. It's that…well, people have found your clothes around the office. The other day Gil found your shoes and a pair of pants in the utility closet. What were you doing without your pants?"
"Uh… I can explain that."
"Maintenance also reported that they found an entire set of clothes on top of the elevator. I can't even pretend to imagine why you were on top of the elevator, let alone without your clothes."
Suddenly, Lois burst into the office. "Chief, I need to talk to you."
"Not now, Lois."
"But I've got a lead. It's big. I need you to pull whatever you've got on the front page."
"We'll deal with it in a moment. I'm talking to Clark right now."
"Is this about the clothes?" She then looked at Clark in disgust. "That's really creepy."
"What? Does everyone know about this?"
"Yeah, Gil told me. The whole office is talking about it."
"Enough. Look, Clark, I'm gonna cut to the chase. The Planet doesn't want to deal with a lawsuit. I'm going to have to ask you to hand in your resignation."
"Are you firing me?" Clark asked in disbelief.
"You'll get two months' pay and I'll write you a recommendation in exchange for you resignation. We don't want this to get messy."
"Sounds like you're getting fired, Smallville."
"Lois, I told you to get out. You're not helping."
"This is unbelievable." Clark threw up his hands in shock. He turned to exit, dismayed by his luck. He was about to leave peacefully, but stopped.
"No, you know what. I'll tell you why I leave my clothes around? Because I'm Superman." With exaggerated flare, he pulled his glasses from his face. Then, with super speed, he changed into the Superman suit. His clothes were left in a little pile on the floor, as if they had melted off his body into a puddle in front of him. "Yeah, that's right. I'm Superman. And I'm too busy saving people's lives to always remember to pick up my clothes. In fact, 90 of the time, I'm saving your life, Lois."
They stared back at him in awe.
"How did you guys not know this? The Daily Planet is supposedly the best paper in Metropolis. Yet none of your ace reporters happened to notice that the only thing 'disguising' me is a pair of glasses."
He paced back and forth in front of them, his cape billowing behind him; Clark was not done with his rant.
"And your best reporter, Lois, over here," he pointed at her as he rolled his eyes. "She even got up close and personal with me — if you know what I mean —and she still couldn't see the truth. Good Lord, they'll give the Pulitzer to anyone these days.
"And you, Perry! Think about the edge The Daily Planet would have had if you'd figured it out. You have Superman working for you! Think of all the things I could have done for this paper. Think about the exclusives. But no, you blew your chance. I'm gonna go work for The Metropolis Star."
In a fraction of a second, he had flown out the window, creating a mini tornado that blew the papers off Perry's desk.
Lois looked over at Perry. They were speechless.
Their mouths were both still agape when Jimmy passed by the office. Perry managed to call out to him, "Jimmy, get in here."
Jimmy popped his head into the office, "Hey, Chief."
"J-Jimmy," he stuttered, still in shock. "Clark Kent is Superman"
"Uh, yeah," Jimmy replied nonchalantly. "So?"
"Wait, you knew?" Lois asked with consternation.
"Yeah. You didn't? I thought everyone knew."
Perry shook his head. "What do you mean?"
"Well, isn't it, like, obvious? I mean, Superman and Clark both return from mysterious five-year absences on the same day. And all the guy wears as a disguise is a pair of glasses. I thought we were all just playing along with him."
"No. I had no idea." Lois replied. Perry nodded, echoing her sentiments.
"Why else do you think he leaves his clothes around all the time? Did you think he was some kind of pervert?" Jimmy laughed. "Now, what I've really been wanting to ask him is how he wears a cape under his shirt without it showing. I mean that is impressive."