A/N: So I thought of this earlier today, but I had NO idea that it would be done by now. If you get at least one chuckle out of this, my mission is accomplished.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
So You Want to Be a Fire Lord...
Greetings to my loyal minions,
This is your royal Fire Lord Ozai speaking. If you're reading this informational pamphlet, you most likely someday hope to be a Fire Lord. If that is true, you can expect to be killed at once if discovered with this pamphlet, no questions asked. This is an absolute monarchy, after all.
Now I know what you must be thinking: why would the Fire Lord himself release a pamphlet about being Fire Lord? Well here's why.
On the off chance that a twelve-year-old with a short attention span manages to overthrow me, my gigantic military, my elite forces, my family, my emo son, my heirs, and my crazy daughter, I need to have options ready. As I always say, it's better to be safe than overthrown.
So let's get down to business, shall we?
Fire Lord Responsibilities
- Winning the war.
- Capturing the Avatar.
- Promoting global warming.
- Looking menacing.
- Producing prodigies.
- Being generally evil.
- Starting forest fires.
- True Evil: What You Should Know
- Top 10 Celebrity Villains
- What Not to Wear When Wreaking Havoc
- Ruling the Earth for Dummies
- The Best Way to Cook an Avatar
- Ponytails and You: The Most Hip Styles of The Last Dynasty.
Fire Lord Rules and Regulations
No Fire Lord shall ever smile.
A Fire Lord must always wear a ponytail (though beard is optional)
Never should the Fire Lord's face be seen (though a silhouette is acceptable if menacing and surrounded by flame).
No Fire Lord shall cry or show sensitivity (especially not to your heirs).
No Fire Lord shall play the trumpet.
A Fire Lord may kill whom he/she needs to in order to get the throne.
No Fire Lord shall show compassion.
A fair monarch will not be accepted.
No Fire Lord shall attach mistletoe to his/her crown.
All Fire Lords must have at least two children, as one is likely to be killed at some point.
No Fire Lord shall wear pink.
Under no circumstances may a Fire Lord do his/her own dirty work.
No Fire Lord shall kill his significant other without a very good reason.
Fire Lord FAQ
What happens if my minions are not doing as I say?
Seeing as the rules state that you cannot do your own dirty work, you may send one of your children to 'take care of' said minions.
Can I back down from my position if the job becomes too difficult?
Judging on the sort of work you had to do to get in the position, you will probably not want to back down. However, if you really do need to back down for one reason or another, I'm sure you have a long line of people waiting in line for your position. In fact, somebody has probably tried to kill you several times by now.
Do I get to wear a fancy crown?
Yes. And it looks quite spiffing with a high ponytail, might I add.
Do I get mail by the normal postal service or the express service?
Neither. You will get mail by the Fire Lord service. It's guaranteed to get to you within five minutes of sending, or else the carrier will be burned in hot oil and fed to the royal Kimodo Rhinoceros herd.
Do any of my earnings go towards my retirement fund?
What happens if a solar eclipse occurs at the same that the Avatar and the other nations are launching an attack on the Fire Nation shores?
This idea is so laughable that I will not bother to address it.
Health and Safety
Never run with a burning torch. Running in general is apt to lose you points with the minions.
Wearing oversized garments is not recommended, as they may catch fire during daily sinister activities (such as yelling/giving orders/sitting on a throne of flames). For the same reason, growing your mustache out long is not recommended unless you are proficient in the 'stop, drop, and roll while still looking menacing'.
Do not accept food from family members, especially if said family members are next in line for the throne.
Burn any confidential letters that you may receive. Not only does this keep nosy lesser people out your business, but it also looks quite impressive.
Do not attempt to yodel while in the palace, as it may cause the building to collapse and your minions to be killed. When outside, however, this tactic may be useful when committing mass genocide.
Regularly check your guards for any sign of weakness, as traitors often loom closest to home.
Finally, show no weakness. Sleeping with your eyes open may also be helpful, unless you snore, in which case you'll just look silly.
So there you have it; the complete guide to being a Fire Lord. I hope that you must never put this pamphlet into action, as it means that I am probably dead or conquered (each of which is as unlikely as the next, of course). For the time being, relax. You're in the warm, yet firm, grip of the Fire Lord!
Yours in villainy,
Fire Lord Ozai