Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note: This is a very... nonjon one-shot. You have been warned. I feel I should start by apologizing, but I'm really not that sorry.


THE DA MISSIONS: AGENT TOOTS

"You're interrupting a very important meeting!"

"Really?" Harry mockingly gasped. "I'm sorry. I was under the impression this was an Order meeting."

"Excuse me?" Minerva said in shock at Harry's lack of respect for the Order.

"You've not heard of the Order, Professor?" Luna asked curiously. "It's this little vigilante organization who, nearest I can tell, spends most of their time spying on school boys."

"What?" Snape hissed.

"Although if you count dementor attacks," Ron mused aloud. "Then they can't even spy on the strapping young lads properly."

"You insolent little brat!"

"We're sick and tired of nothing being accomplished," Hermione replied, seemingly the most level-headed person in the room. "It's time we worked together to defeat the Dark Lord."

"But you're just children!" Molly Weasley shrieked with love.

"I think we have the skills to sit around doing nothing just as effectively as you lot," Neville said with more confidence than his professors thought possible. "Hey! We have learned something from Binns."

"We're here to give you a try. See if you can prove your usefulness," Harry stated.

"Why would we want to prove our usefulness to you?" Moody asked curiously. "What have you got to offer us?"

"Funny," Ron answered. "I thought this was about defeating Voldemort. What about it, Mad-eye? You got a Chosen One in your pocket you've been saving for just the right occasion?"

"Hmmph," the crotchety old auror said as he glared with his good eye.

"I know how good my posse is," Harry said firmly. "But if you want some assurances, throw us a mission."

"Is that what this is about?" Albus inquired. "You wish to be a junior Order?"

Harry tilted his head in exasperation. "Actually, we're curious if the Order is good enough to be the Junior DA."

"How dare you!" Snape spat.

"How dare you, sir!" Luna snapped back even fiercer.

Snape just blinked at her in confusion and uncertainty.

"Albus," Molly insisted. "You cannot allow this to continue."

"Very well," Albus decided further alienating Harry was the last thing he wanted to do. "You are to not risk anyone's safety or break any school rules, but I'd like to see if you can unobtrusively gather any information from the children of known Death Eaters."

"Oh please," Harry rolled his eyes. "Alright, if you're not going to seriously suggest anything worth our time, we'll figure out our own mission. Now I know, next week's Junior DA meeting is canceled, so how about we'll brief you on our success the week after?"

"It's called the Order of the Phoenix!" Emmeline Vance insisted.

"How would you know about our weekly meetings, let alone that next week's is canceled?" Kingsley asked curiously.

Harry smirked. "Isn't it obvious? I have a spy in the Junior DA." Harry turned towards Fred and winked.

Albus, never one to back down, argued back. "And I've got a spy in the DA." Albus turned towards George and winked.

"And what makes you so sure that your spy isn't a double agent, in actuality loyal to the DA?" Harry asked, winking at George.

"I would imagine for the same reason you believe yours to be loyal," Albus suggested.

"You swore on your testicles to him too?" Harry asked George in disbelief. George was shaking his head fervently.

"Oh," Albus said in surprise.

"Well… well we've got a spy in the Death Eaters," Tonks argued not wanting to be in the less cool club.

"Well we've got a spy in Voldemort's head," Ginny argued back.

"Damn," Tonks softly cursed in defeat.

"Now if you don't mind," Albus said nodding his head in dismissal. "We have a meeting to continue."

Harry caught the eyes of the rest of his posse and jerked his head towards the exit. He turned back towards the assembled Order and instructed, "Carry on," before disappearing down the stairs.


"It's been two weeks, Albus," Minerva stated at the start of their meeting. "Have you any idea what Harry and the DA have been up to?"

Albus shrugged. "From what I can tell the only time he ever left the grounds was to go to Hogsmeade yesterday. Severus, have you noticed anything?"

"Yes," Snape nodded. "I have but I'm hesitant to say…"

"What is it? What do you suspect?"

"I have been observing Potter much closer than a Professor legally should be allowed to, and well…" Snape paused before continuing. "I don't mean to sound gay or nothin' but I think Potter's been working out."

"Excuse me?" Minerva stated looking at her colleague in shock.

"His gluts are firm enough to bounce a galleon off them. Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, a thousand points to Gryffindor for putting up with my ignorant, bigoted attitude and immature behavior."

Albus sighed and dropped his head into his hands. "Harry…"

"That's Professor Harry, you insolent whelp," Snape said before pausing. "Err… I didn't say that right, did I?" Snape grimaced and had a sheepish smile. He felt the polyjuice potion fading as his body shrunk back into the more familiar looking Harry Potter. "Oh never mind I suppose."

Harry looked over at all the shocked faces. "So how goes the Junior DA?"

"Where is Professor Snape, Harry?" Albus asked reluctantly.

Harry shrugged. "Still on his knees for his other Master? I know he was called away earlier."

"Do you know why he was called away?" Albus asked, unsure he wanted an answer.

Harry nodded. "I could probably make a pretty good guess, but I don't know with certainty."

"Are you not inviting the rest of your posse to crash our meeting here?" Albus inquired, having turned to observe Harry.

"To be honest, I didn't want to waste their time on such trivialities. It was a heated game of knifey-spoony that I left behind," Harry admitted. "But my Chief Counter Intelligence Officer is walking up your stairs right now."

"Supreme Commander," Luna greeted Harry with a solemn.

"Agent Toots," Harry said back as she walked towards him.

Luna saw there were no empty chairs and perched herself onto Harry's lap. She sniffed the air twice and looked at Harry. "Why do you smell like scorched vomit?"

"I was polyjuiced to look like Snape," Harry explained.

Luna nodded. "And you used his after-shave. Smart thinking."

Albus saw a number of Order members fighting back snickers and had a bad feeling about this meeting. "We have a lot to cover tonight, Harry. If there was something you wanted to share with us, please be brief so that we may get on to our other business."

"Fair enough," Harry said, ignoring the way Luna was testing the greasiness of his hair. "Considering you didn't suggest a mission other than a total waste of our talents, we decided to make our own. Now we weren't sure what sort of plans you had in the works, so we needed a goal that you were unlikely to be aiming for."

"Please tell me no one was hurt and no laws were broken," Albus pleaded.

"Polyjuice is restricted," Tonks mumbled knowing no one cared.

"We ruled out all the good plans and stuck to only the lowest risk goals," Harry explained.

"Thank Merlin," Minerva muttered to herself, becoming more and more uncomfortable with Luna's habit of staring just above people's heads.

"In the end, we figured the simplest thing would be to convince Voldemort to give up his attempts at immortality."

Kingsley began to choke on the glass of water he'd been drinking. "That was the simplest?"

"Oh dear," Albus sighed, fearing what the DA may have done.

"Don't you think maybe you were aiming just a little too high there?" Arthur warily inquired.

Luna shrugged. "We were worried if we just observed and did nothing, we might make the Junior DA jealous."

"What have we done to make you so disrespectful to us?" Albus asked looking at Luna and Harry forlornly.

"I think it's more a question of what have you done," Harry replied. "Because from what I can tell the answer is not much. We at least got Voldemort to embrace his mortality."

"You were successful?" Arthur asked in surprise.

Harry looked at Luna and the two had a silent conversation with their eyes.

"Headmaster!" Snape came barreling into the office. "Headmaster! You're not going to believe this."

"Oh dear," Albus said with a soft groan.

"The Dark Lord," Snape continued as he tried to catch his breath. "He's… he's abandoned… his pursuit…"

"Of immortality?" Albus finished for him with a sad grin.

"Yes," Snape jerked up in surprise. "How did you know?"

"Harry," Albus said turning away from the Potions Master. "Perhaps you will brief us on what you've done?"

Harry saw Snape staring at him and saw the Headmaster's genuinely curious face.

Albus waved his wand and conjured two more chairs, one on each side of him. Snape sat down in the one between Albus and Minerva, while Luna reluctantly left Harry's lap, and positioned herself with her legs folded underneath her.

"Well, we came up with a few possible avenues and they were all solo missions," Harry explained. "Considering we couldn't all take point, we decided to draw straws."

"We never get to draw straws," Tonks pouted quietly.

"Ron's was pretty pathetic," Harry explained. "Hermione pouted and refused to draw, as she had problems with our methods of drawing straws. Neville's wasn't bad, but I was the only one clever enough to draw a bendy straw. Luna here, though, she drew a straw with curls and swirls that went in all directions. We agreed she drew the best one, though Hermione still abstained from the vote insisting we were doing it all wrong."

"Oh Merlin," Kingsley grumbled at the idea that these kids were 'playing' war games.

"So we officially commissioned our Chief Counter Intelligence Officer 003, codename Agent Toots to enact Operation Death is Your Friend."

"Albus, do you have any firewhiskey?" Arthur asked thinking this sounded bad.

Albus nodded. "Juicy!"

An adorable young house elf with a bow on her head appeared. "Yes Master Headmaster?"

"We need some firewhiskey," Albus said.

Juicy nodded but noticed Harry in the room. She looked at him nervously before he nodded silently at her. She smiled brightly and said, "Coming right up, Master Headmaster!"

The elf popped away and three large snifters of firewhiskey with glasses for everyone appeared on the table.

Albus was alarmed at the elf's behavior but didn't press the issue for now. "Would you mind telling us just what Operation Death is Your Friend was?"

"Agent Toots?" Harry said nodding towards Luna.

"Security?" Luna asked Harry curiously.

"Consider the secrecy classification revoked for the duration of this Junior DA meeting," Harry assured her.

Luna nodded. "Well I suppose it starts with Voldemort's clandestine meeting in the Forbidden Forest-"

"What?" Minerva gasped.

"He was here?" Albus said in surprise.

Luna jerked her head towards Harry who just nodded. She turned back towards the Order and nodded. "I apologize. I assumed you were somewhat aware of the Dark Lord's activities. Yes, he approached the acromantula leader Aragog's strongest son, Blugog about guarding a safehouse in the Forbidden Forest."

Nearly every Order member looked at each other in confusion wondering if there were acromantulas in the forest and why they didn't know this.

"We can't let that happen, Albus," Minerva insisted wildly. "How could he have gotten so close?"

Luna saw how surprised they all were while Harry shrugged. Luna asked curiously, "Do you people do anything? At all?"

"Finish your brief Agent Toots," Harry commanded firmly. "The less time we waste here, the better."

"Understood," Luna agreed. "Well, knowing where the Dark Lord was, we put Operation Death is Your Friend into play…"


Voldemort was frustrated. The acromantula was reluctant to kill his father, and take control of the colony. And on his own, he only had about eighty brethren loyal to him. It didn't matter how many there were if the creature's father would inform the Hogwarts Gamekeeper.

The Dark Lord knew he couldn't set up any sort of significant warding without alerting Dumbledore to his presence. The acromantula protection was necessary to securing the area without easily identifiable magical means. He briefly wondered if tunneling into the Chamber of Secrets was going to be worth it. He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly stepped right into a giant pile of centaur droppings.

Voldemort paused to look at the steaming excrement with a sense of disgust.

"Are you going to eat that?"

Voldemort spun around in shock having never even sensed any approaching presences.

The blonde girl looked up at him. "I asked you a question. The polite thing to do would be to answer."

"Excuse me?" the Dark Lord asked thoroughly confused by this situation, but sensing no danger from the young woman.

"Are you… going to… eat that?" She repeated slower and more deliberately.

The Dark Lord shook his head, never taking his eyes off her. "No. It's all yours."

"Thank you," she said and grabbed a handful of the waste. She got a big dollop on her finger and put it in her mouth. She grimaced as she swallowed what was in her mouth and licked her finger clean. She looked up and saw the Dark Lord staring at her in complete disbelief. She stuck her hand out towards. "You sure you don't want some?"

Voldemort slowly shook his head back and forth. "Quite."

The woman shrugged and ate another dollop. "Do you have time to talk right now?"

Voldemort's innate ability to sense danger was telling him he had nothing to fear, but he had no idea what was going on. "Do you not know who I am?"

The young woman threw the rest of the excrement onto the ground and wiped her hand with a few dry leaves. "You're the Dark Lord Voldemort, right?"

Voldemort stiffened to hear her say the name as if it were any other. There wasn't a trace of fear in her wide bulbous eyes. "You know who I am, but you have no fear of me?"

She shrugged. "I didn't stroll out here just for the pile of crap. I was hoping to talk to you."

"Who are you?"

She smiled. "Presently, I'm going by the name Luna Lovegood, although she died about seven years ago."

"Lovegood," Voldemort repeated to himself. "Why do I know that name?"

"You didn't kill Luna's mother or Luna if that's what you're wondering. It was a magical accident that killed them both and left Mr. Lovegood horribly confused."

"No," Voldemort replied. "It wasn't long ago…"

"Oh I remember," Luna grinned. "I accompanied Harry Potter to the Department of Mysteries at the start of this past summer. I believe you ran into him in the atrium there."

"Potter!" Voldemort hissed. "You're one of his friends."

Luna tilted her head to the side and looked away. "I suppose." She turned back towards him and smiled. "But I'm not here to kidnap you or bring you to him. So don't worry."

"You suppose?" Voldemort relaxed slightly baffled that she was trying to assure him she meant no danger. "You're not one of his friends?"

Luna shrugged. "He's a nice enough fellow. But you're much further along than he is. That's why I need to talk to you."

"What do you need to talk to me about?"

"You're both tied together by a prophecy, one with the possibility of leaving the victor immortal," Luna stated. "And aside from that you've been getting pretty close to immortality on your own."

"What do you know of it?" Voldemort snapped angrily, unsure why he was humoring this mentally damaged young woman.

Luna looked up in surprise at how upset he sounded. "I've no interest in spreading about your secrets. And no, I'm not talking about your horcruxes. Those have nothing to do with immortality."

Voldemort's eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean?"

Luna turned away and was just walking around aimlessly. "Horcruxes are about delaying and controlling your own death. They're not about immortality. Like Flamel's Stone that you went after. It's about health and life, not about immortality either."

"You're not a vampire," Voldemort stated focusing his eyes on the young woman trying to understand her.

"Nope," Luna smiled brightly at him. "I'm human. I just chose the path of immortality a millennia and a half ago. And I'm here now, to discuss the possibility of it with you."

"You?" Voldemort asked in disbelief. "You have the key to immortality?"

Luna turned around to stare right into his eyes. "I don't have any answers that will help you on your path. That's not the way it works." She stopped her intense stare and smiled brightly. "But you're getting really close. I'm something like the last mile marker before your exit."

"Are you supposed to be convincing me to abandon my pursuit?"

Luna shook her head. "Not in the slightest. I'm just here to inform you what you're setting yourself up for, because once you're immortal, there's no going back. And me and the other immortals want you to at least make an informed decision."

"An informed decision?" Voldemort smirked. "You wish to explain immortality to me?"

Luna nodded and reached into her back pocket. "I've brought some informative brochures for you to take with you. When you get a chance, give them a look through. You can send me an owl if you have any questions."

Voldemort accepted the tri-fold pamphlets and saw the top one was entitled Our Bodies, Our Shells. The next one was Defying the Laws of Nature and You. Voldemort felt like he was the butt of some surreal practical joke. "You said there's no going back. What did you mean by that?"

"Okay," Luna was choosing her words carefully. "I'm assuming you at least understand that there is a list. And part of immortality is that you get taken off the list. Things like magical bonds, horcruxes, the Philosopher's Stone, those all just postpone death, sometimes indefinitely. But with those you remain on the list. Becoming immortal means you're off that list. And once you're off… you can't get back on it."

"You make it sound like immortality is a curse," Voldemort suggested beginning to warm up to this strange girl.

"Vampires aren't immortal," Luna replied. "They're cursed but probably more fragile than humans. Immortality suits me just fine. But I find most immortals are far more depressing than me. And more depressed."

"How many other immortals have you met?" Voldemort inquired.

Luna shook her head playfully. "That would be telling. It's a step on your path you'll discover if you continue to pursue it." Luna looked around the wooded area they were in. "You know I had this same conversation with your ancestor."

"Really?" Voldemort asked more doubtfully than before.

Luna nodded. "Not any of your muggle ancestors, I meant Sally. He was a little younger than you when I enrolled at Hogwarts for the first time."

"Sally?" Voldemort repeated. He briefly realized anyone else using so casual a name would be a grievous insult warranting death, but this girl was so far beyond the pale, he wasn't really offended. "You refer the greatest founder of Hogwarts as… Sally?"

"Only in private," Luna assured him. "Professor Slytherin earned my respect. Considering I first nicknamed him Salad-bar, he found Sally far more palatable."

Voldemort blinked when he realized he thought that made sense. "And what will you call me?"

"Are we going to be in contact enough that I shall have a private nickname for you?"

"If we are both immortals, I suspect our paths would cross a few times over the course of eternity, yes," Voldemort commented.

"Good point," Luna said with a smile. "And no offense, but 'Voldemort' just doesn't feel very warm or familiar. I know how much you dislike Tom, so how about Marv? It's a reference to your Slytherin ancestry and I don't have a friend named Marv yet."

The Dark Lord wondered what sort of spell he'd been placed under to calmly accept a conversation like this. "This may take some consideration."

Luna agreed and couldn't help but to start skipping around in a circle. "I used to do my homework in his danky den sometimes. He kept Blinky down there but since I was immortal, he knew I'd be okay."

"His danky den?" Voldemort inquired. "A student spent her free time in his private quarters?"

Luna shook her head as she stopped skipping and turned to him. "Goodness, no. His danky den wasn't known to any of the others. It had started from a competition among the professors to build the most extravagant private bathroom. Sally made this lush shiny, gorgeous loo that the other founders saw and conceded victory to him. When they said his was the best, he was quite disappointed, or so he told me."

Voldemort was really trying to sense if there was truth behind the odd girl's words but found he wanted to believe her.

"The reason he was so disappointed was the bathroom he'd showed them was just a cover for a truly giant and impressive bathroom he was still in the process of constructing. When his attempt at subterfuge ended up winning the contest, he turned his plans for a bathroom to end all bathrooms into a private little den. It was always so moist and dark in there that I named it his danky den. It was a room very few knew about. None of the other founders I don't think."

"Salazar Slytherin's Chamber of Secrets you call… the danky den?"

"And the funniest part," Luna added with a grin. "His contest winning private bathroom is now just a boring old public women's loo. If you didn't know better, you'd think Sally was spying on girls' toilets," she finished with a giggle.

Voldemort opened his mouth and shut it. He had always wondered about the peculiarities of that location and while it was comforting to hear it wasn't what it looked like, the idea it was a danky den wasn't exactly… legendary.

"I had a bad habit of hitting Blinky's tail with sticking charms so that the grumpy little bugger would be like a puppy tethered to a pole," Luna saw Voldemort still seemed a little confused and explained, "Blinky was his pet Basilisk. He didn't trust the students around Blinky, so he kept her in his danky den."

"Her name really was Blinky?"

Luna shrugged. "I know… it's the most common name for a basilisk, but still. It's better than the Griffin that Gryffindor named Griffy."

Voldemort had to agree with that.

"I remember this one time," Luna snickered in memory. "Blinky was just wriggling out of her doggie door when I hit her tail with a sticking charm. She was halfway in and halfway out and was flailing angrily. I transfigured the wall around her into a giant stone bust of Sally's head. And the way she was flailing," Luna was giggling more and more. "It looked like Sally was going-" Luna finished by sticking her tongue and waggling it from side to side rapidly. She sped up the process and shook her entire head back and forth just as fast, sending spittle flying everywhere.

Voldemort was watching her in amusement until a glob of saliva hit him in the eye. He suddenly realized how horribly undignified he'd been acting.

"It was classic," Luna added while she watched Voldemort's lips thin as he wiped the spit from his face. "Blinky had no idea why me and Sally were laughing so hard. I know Sally added a little spellwork to make the transfiguration of the stone permanent."

Luna's amusement sobered quickly and she seemed a bit sad. "I really thought Sally was going to become immortal." She turned towards Voldemort solemnly. "In the end, the food was a deal-breaker for him."

Voldemort completely forgot that he'd been spit on and looked at her carefully. "He chose not to be immortal?"

Luna nodded. "He got right up to the precipice and turned around. Now I can see his disposition was all wrong for it. He would've been depressed even if he had finished conquering the world."

"What did you mean by the food was a deal-breaker?"

Luna bit her lip. "Well one of the things about immortality is that it's an aberration in the circle of life. All that begins must end, which leads into new beginnings. Immortals begin but never end, so they must exist outside of the circle of life."

Voldemort had to bite his tongue as Luna seemed to be taking her time in answering the question.

"Existing outside of the circle of life means immortals must be self-sustaining," Luna explained. "And that's why every immortal's primary source of sustenance is their own feces."

Voldemort's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.

"An immortal is their own individual circle of life: continuously eating their crap, and crapping what they eat," Luna explained. "You can eat normal food and drink, but excrement of any kind provides more than any typical food source. The freshest stuff from your own back-tap is always the most potent."

Voldemort narrowed his eyes forcing himself to read the truth of her words.

Luna just smiled weakly at him. "There's a brochure on it in that welcoming packet I gave you. And you won't die if you choose not to eat any excrement, but you will be extremely weak. Unable to die, barely able to move, and you won't have a drop of magic at your disposal."

"You're serious," Voldemort stated unable to read anything false from the young woman.

Luna nodded. "It's just the way it works. The more you try to mask the taste, or alter a juicy, steaming pile into something a mortal would prefer, the less effective it is."

"You're telling me I have to be shit-eater for eternity to be truly immortal?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you," Luna explained. "Part of the rest of your journey towards immortality may include investigating alternatives and a way around this. Surprisingly, this isn't even the most common reason people choose not to strive for immortality."

"It isn't?" Voldemort asked in disbelief.

Luna shook her head. "And I can't tell you what is. You'll figure it out on your own as long you continue towards immortality."

"Huh," Voldemort said, lacking anything better.

Luna jerked her head up and smiled brightly, rubbing her tummy. "Oh goodness. I feel some diarrhea churning. If you'll excuse me, I need to make some pudding for tomorrow."

If possible, Voldemort went paler than his normal color.

Luna pulled a broom out of her pocket and canceled the shrinking charm on it. She hopped on and began to fly away. "Send me an owl if you have any questions. It was nice meeting you, Marv."

Voldemort said nothing and merely let the young woman fly away. He looked at the brochures in his hand and realized he had a lot to think about.


Luna shrugged. "And that's the last I saw him. It might be nice if he does send me an owl."

Harry nodded at her contently. "Excellent work, Agent Toots. Excellent work."

"Oh great Merlin," Minerva whispered staring at the two students in disbelief.

"Headmaster?" Luna asked with a small grin. "For the sake of maintaining my cover, I've already arranged for the house elves to serve me tootsie rolls in chocolate milk for breakfast."

Albus opened his mouth and shut it, simply nodding at the Ravenclaw when he couldn't get the words to come out.

"Come on Agent Toots," Harry said standing up. "I don't think the Junior DA is ready for the big leagues."

The rest of the Order just stared at the two students in fear as they walked away.

Harry turned to the Headmaster and everyone else in the room. "Let me know if any of you are tired of doing nothing."

Harry grinned at Luna. "Considering the success of your first mission, you know you get to make the call on your second. Any plans yet?"

Luna nodded as the pair of them descended down the steps. "Hermione's already enchanted the boxers for Operation Draco Douche."

"Excellent."


Author's Note: I chose to end it there rather than continue with more. But I considered having our favorite Dark Lord do a little follow-up investigating. Had I bothered with him utilizing one of his oh-so-humble and brilliant spies within Hogwarts hallowed halls, then the correspondence would have looked something like this little OMAKE:

My Lord,

Again I must thank you for trusting me and going through me specifically. In all my infinite wisdom I cannot see why you asked me to do this, but that just proves how much more brilliant you are than me. I live to serve.

My findings after a week of careful observation by me are that Luna Lovegood is something of an enigma in my opinion by me. All the other students seem to have no respect for her. She is called Loony by nearly everyone both behind her back and to her face, and she does not appear to care. If anything, it amuses her. She still seems to have fun and delight in simple common pleasures like taking a bowl of gelatin and squishing it between her toes.

Potter and his lackeys are the only ones who seem to tolerate her eccentricities, but even among them it appears Potter is the only one who truly respects her. I do wonder if perhaps he knows something about her that I was unable to find out.

As a test, I ordered Theodore Nott to attack her. He sent a flame-cutter curse at her unprotected back when she wasn't looking. Her reflexes were impressive as she easily deflected the spell. She then giggled as she apparently thought they were playing some sort of game. She avoided all of his spells and hit him with several harmless but embarrassing charms. She thanked him for playing and ran away when she realized she was late for class. The only lasting spell work in the decidedly one-sided battle was she transfigured his ears into what appear to be vampire butterflies.

It's been over two days since Nott heard anything and all of his fingertips have been bitten repeatedly. The healers have been unable to correct Nott's ears and he's still in the hospital wing.

The only other thing I noted that I feel is worth reporting by me, is that every morning she has a bowl of some sort of brown pellets in a creamy brown sauce. She doesn't appear to be a morning person, but after that breakfast she is practically bouncing off the walls in hyperactivity. The house elves wouldn't reveal what the breakfast was and refused to give me any.

I'm quite sure she never was able to sense my presence, nor did she have any idea what a close I, excuse me, eye, I have been keeping on her.

Your humble servant,

Draco Ignatius Malfoy
Order of Malfoy, First Class – Two Times
Heir to the Malfoy name
Slytherin House Quidditch Team Captain and Seeker

P.S. – On a completely unrelated note, do you know of any way to counter some sort of unknown anal leakage curse? I do not know what I've been subjected to, nor have any of the counters I've attempted been able to work. And the continuous flow is draining me of my energy. I've managed to hide my situation from others, but I still have to change out a new bag every four hours and it is getting tiresome.

Author's Note: I appreciate and welcome all comments and reviews.