Guess Who

THIS is the ultimate result of being trapped in a miniature shitshack with no electricity in the middle of nowhere for two weeks. I was going out of my mind, as was Yami B666, whom I dragged along with me. A million tonnes of credit to her for inventing the idea and contributing a fair few of the lines for this fic. If there's anything really funny, I guarantee she thought of it. I haven't actually given her the opportunity to read it up 'til now, though, even though she co-created it!

I hereby state that no, I do not actually know anything about phone sex lines. Much as I would love to work for one, I don't know the proper procedures involved in this job. I don't expect anyone to come whingeing to me that "it dusnt work dat wai!!1one!" but one can never be sure. This was written out of boredom and pushpop-inspired madness. It's not expected to be entirely accurate.

I hope you enjoy this more than my male friend who entirely skipped over the actual phone sex.

Sasuke shuddered as he hung up the phone at his work desk. He tilted back on his chair to look into the next cubicle. "Oi, Inuzuka!"


"Next time, you're taking the ones with the kinky fetishes. That freak was turned on by reptile noises! I was fucking croaking like a frog for ten minutes!"

Kiba Inuzuka stared at Sasuke, looking disturbed. "That's what that was? I thought you were dying over there or something."

"I was dying. I'm going to demand extra pay for that one."

Unfortunately both of them knew it wasn't that easy. They worked at a gay sex call-in centre, so weird customers with creepy requests were an everyday occurrence, but having to imitate reptile noises was pushing the boundaries.

Kiba shrugged. "Ah well, nothing I can do, mate. Just hope your next one's a prank so you get some easy money."

"Remind me why the hell I let you talk me into this job," Sasuke growled. As Kiba was about to answer, however, his own phone rang.

"Hi, this is Kiba. What's your name?" he purred – his professional voice. "Mhm. Oh, really?" He grinned and returned his voice to normal. "That's a shame, since I'm getting paid here and you just wasted five bucks." He hung up.

"A prank?" Sasuke questioned.

"Yep. See? Easy money."

Both their phones rang at the same time.

Sasuke groaned. "If this bastard so much as mentions an animal of any kind, I'm giving it to you." He reluctantly picked up his receiver, praying for someone normal. "How can I help you today?"

"Hey, sex line?"

"Yes, I guess you could call it that."

"What else would I call it?" The person sounded confused. "Ah, whatever. How are you?"

"Fine." Sasuke was actually relieved that even though the guy on the other end sounded a bit thick, he was more or less normal. He wasn't a seedy old man, at least. It made his job easier. "But I'll be far better once you tell me what you like."

"Oh? Okay then, I guess I like all the normal stuff."

Sasuke couldn't have been more thankful. "Nothing wrong with liking the classics. Is there anything in particular? I can make this better for you if I know details."

"Sure. Uh…I guess I'm a fan of danger. Like, I'm calling you, but I have a boyfriend."

"Mm, I like risk-takers. Is your boyfriend in the house right now?"

"Oh, hell no! I'd be fucking dead if he was listening. Nah, he's at work. But still, if he found out…"

So it wasn't just desperate loners and irritating kids who called this place, Sasuke mused. "Yeah, I get it. Bit of a fiery one, your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, exactly."

"He must be good in bed."

The guy laughed. "Definitely." It sounded slightly hollow, though.

"Are you top or bottom?"

He was a little hesitant to answer, but evidently he couldn't see the harm. "Usually bottom."

"Very nice. I'm usually top, so this will work well. We have a little in common. I'm a risk-taker too, and I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't know I work here." Even though Sasuke was acting his part, he was actually telling the truth about that. He often wondered if he'd be in deep shit if Naruto found out what his job was.


"Mm. Well, I love danger just as much as you do. It makes me hot." Might as well give the customer his money's worth. "Are you hot too?"

The guy seemed to swallow. "I – I guess," he said uncertainly.

"You will be. There's so much danger…just imagine it. Your boyfriend could come home at any time. You're just sitting where you are at the moment, when you feel someone's breath on your neck. At first you think it's your boyfriend, but you soon realise it isn't. It's me."

He audibly swallowed again. "Yeah…yeah…"

"I begin to kiss the back of your neck, and you can feel your heart pounding. You know you shouldn't be doing this – what if your boyfriend comes back? – but my mouth feels so good against you. You can't help submitting." Sasuke personally didn't care for phone sex in the slightest, but he was a damn good actor.

The guy groaned. "Yeah, I can feel it, what you're saying. I – I don't resist it. Keep doing…what it is you're doing."

"Now what I'm doing is, I'm holding you in place while I lick a line up your throat to your cheek. At the same time one of my hands is sliding down your chest, your hot chest, I love it so much. I lick across your cheek to your ear, then I whisper your name – what is your name? I'll be screaming it later."

"I – it's Naruto."

Sasuke froze. "Come again?"

"Na – ru – to. And yours?"

Naruto. His boyfriend Naruto? Calling a sex line?

He recalled a few moments ago: 'I'd be fucking dead if he was listening.' No shit. Sasuke was going to obliterate him.

'He must be good in bed.'

Sasuke smirked a little. Perhaps the obliterating could wait a while. He might be able to use this to his advantage.

"You shouldn't worry about my name," he said, still playing the part. "I'm just a mystery, here only to please you."

"Okay. Okay. Right, of course. Now we were – you just whispered my name. I'm wondering how you know it, but not knowing how is hotter. I'm leaning back into you, hoping you'll do more."

"And of course I do more. I'm only just getting started, and already I can't get enough of you. I spin you around because I just have to see your face, and when I do, your mouth is so irresistible I can't help ravishing it. God, it tastes good. You probably taste this good everywhere, don't you? Just the thought of it is making my cock hard for you."

That was a lie, of course. Even if Sasuke was talking to his boyfriend, it was still phone sex, and he didn't like it. Naruto, on the other hand, sounded like he was getting what he paid for.

"Are you hard too?" Sasuke continued.

"Yeah," Naruto said breathily.

"For me?"


"Say it to me."

"I'm hard – for you."

"Good boy. I love hearing you talk like that. So hot, but with a tinge of fear. You're still scared your boyfriend's going to catch us, aren't you?"

"I don't know. Maybe. A little, I guess."

"Relax, just relax. He won't hear a word of this. I'll make you forget all about your boyfriend. I'm just as good as him – maybe even better." Sasuke had a wicked idea for an ego boost. "Tell me truthfully, Naruto, does he really satisfy you in bed?"

"I'm ringing a sex hotline. You tell me."

There was an excruciatingly tense silence.

Oooh, you bastard.

"I mean, he's not bad," Naruto said apologetically. "There's just some things about it. Like, he always…finishes before I do. And he's kind of crap at giving head."

Sasuke's mind turned into some sort of robotic destruction chant. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill.

"Yeah, I know how it is to have a boyfriend who doesn't live up to your expectations," he said scathingly. "Why do you think I work at a sex hotline?"

"Fair enough." Naruto laughed. "But – ah – where were we just then? That kind of got out of the mood. Something about making me forget all about my boyfriend?"

"Of course. Now I'm pressing up against you, so close, and I'm getting desperate to feel your skin. My hands slide up your shirt and you can feel them on your sides. I'm in your lap and I'm dying for you . . . dying to be inside you . . . And then I draw up really close to your cheek, and really, really softly, I whisper…"

"You whisper…" Naruto repeated questioningly.

"Guess who, dickhead."

There was a moment's pause. And then, "Oh, shit."

"Run and hide, asshole. Your balls are mine."

Sasuke hung up the phone.

All I can say is: Ouch. Fucking ouch. Wouldn't you agree?

If I wasn't on holidays, I might go into a technical explanation about how symbolic this story is of a troubled relationship and how the fact that it's via a phone sex line signifies that the trouble springs from the basic urges of human behaviour...but I wouldn't have a clue why anyone would bother interpreting it. It's a fanfic. People read. People don't interpret.

People do, however, leave reviews. At least they should. No subtle hint intended.