Type: One-shot, Complete
Warnings: Use of copious amounts of dirty rhymes and limericks
Summary: Poor, quiet Remus is cursed to say the most outlandish things … and Sirius likes it.
Last year Lily Evans kissed Remus Lupin in the middle of History of Magic. It had been Sirius' idea. Snivellus had long since made a point to find out what ailed Remus every month and due to Sirius' idiocy, Snape found out. One would have thought that housing a werewolf in a school would have really boiled Snivellus' blood, but he seemed more hacked off at the fact that he couldn't tell anyone. So his cruelty towards Remus was broadcasted in other ways. Mainly towards his sexuality.
He called him a shirtlifter, a bender, asked him what boy he was going to try and pull. Pointed out to everyone that Remus never had a girlfriend – and even Snivellus had had a girlfriend before.
Sirius had never once seen Remus cry, but after several months of being asked what it felt like to have something shoved up his arse, the werewolf looked on the brink of tears. There had to be something Sirius could do to help his friend.
That was where Lily came in. Sirius pleaded his case, asking her to help their mutual friend. She was skeptical (after all, it was Sirius asking for help so there was really no telling what he might be up to), but after Sirius pointed out how angry it would make James, Lily agreed. Perhaps this would finish James off for good and he'd leave her alone. Sirius knew that would never happened, but the idea seemed rather appealing to Lily.
Sirius always sat on Remus' left during Binns' class while James took the seat on his right. He'd purposefully dropped all his books in the corridor right before the bell rang. Remus and James went ahead into the classroom, followed closely by Lily who winked at Sirius in reassurance before she disappeared out of sight.
Unfortunately, there was a part of the plan Sirius hadn't counted on. By having Lily take his seat next to Remus, that shifted everyone else around in the classroom, leaving the only empty seat at a table with two Slytherins. Sirius hated Slytherin House on principle and to sit next to them during Double History of Magic was unthinkable!
And then it happened, just as Sirius knew it would. Snivellus' nasty, greasy head turned towards Remus, sneering at him. Remus, bless him, did his best to act oblivious.
"Why d'you keep staring at my boyfriend?" snapped Lily, leaning across the table, her hand on Remus' robe-covered thigh, and giving a hate-filled stare to Snape.
James looked as tough he had just been hit in the head with a Bludger and Remus was staring at the hand on his thigh. Sirius smirked, glad he was sitting behind them so that they wouldn't see the satisfied look on his face as Lily snarled at Snape. All those years of calling her a Mudblood and Lily was just now releasing that anger.
"I don't know what kind of pervert you are, but keep your eyes to yourself."
For once, Snivellus' mouth didn't seem to work. He looked shocked. Surprised. Completely and utterly dumb-fucking-founded. Sirius loved it.
But then Lily had done something unexpected, something that was absolutely not in their agreement: she kissed Remus square on the mouth, and even – dear god – slipping her tongue in his mouth.
James looked as though murderous thoughts were ramming through his brain and Sirius felt a twinge of jealousy as well. Only for completely different reasons.
Two days ago Lily finally agreed to be James' girlfriend. The pair of them were sickening and Sirius had often thought of hurling up his lunch as they whispered in each other's ears and stole kisses when they thought no one was watching.
Two days ago Snivellus began questioning Remus' sexuality again.
Sirius now knew that the comments didn't bother Remus because they were lies, but bothered him because it was true. As if he didn't have enough to deal with being a werewolf, he had to deal with being a gay werewolf, so yesterday when Snape opened that nasty, yellow-teethed mouth of his, Sirius punched him in the jaw.
"Please don't do anything stupid today," Remus pleaded as he and Sirius paired up for NEWT Potions – a class that neither of them wanted to take, but had somehow got talked into it by James.
"I never do anything stupid."
"Please. Just don't."
Sirius sighed and nodded. "Yeah, sure, all right. But only because you're Moony."
"Mmm," mumbled Remus and began chopping up a root, the first step in the potion they were supposed to be making today.
Only one table away, Snape was crushing his root instead of chopping, which wasn't what the textbook said to do at all, and making evil eyes at Remus.
"We forgot to get the lilac," said Sirius.
Just as Sirius was moving towards the storage cupboard, something blasted inside their cauldron and thick, pink goo had exploded all over Remus. The other boy spat it out, as some of it had got in his mouth and up his nose.
"You fucking bastard!" Sirius screeched, drawing his wand and pointing it at Snape.
Slughorn told them all to calm down and Vanished the potion from Remus' face and robes.
"What was that?" asked Sirius, pocketing his wand as Slughorn stepped between them, but still staring at Snape.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't do anything."
Slughorn took this opportunity to look inside Snape's cauldron, calling his potion a triumph.
"Are you all right?" Sirius whispered, placing a hand on the small of Remus' back. "We're not gonna have time to finish the potion after—"
"All you two do is curse and hex and fight,
without thought or mind or word to anyone else's plight,
all you do is nag
while he calls me a fag,
and I wish you'd stop with all this stupid goddamn spite."
"Oh my God," breathed Sirius.
"Oh my God," coughed Remus.
"Oh my God," cried Lily. "Did he just speak – was that a – a limerick?"
"A dirty one," laughed Sirius. "Remus never swears."
"No, I leave the dirty words to you and James," replied Remus.
Sirius sighed. "Oh, good, I thought you'd be rhyming all day."
Remus shrugged. "It came out of me before, like a sneeze. I couldn't control it. Maybe it was a one time thing. I've never heard of a potion that makes you speak in rhyme before."
"Well, as long as you're all right. Want to shive off the rest of Potions since Snape ruined ours?"
"You just want an excuse to go nick some food
while I sit here with my words all screwed
or you'll just pull more pranks
so I'll simply say no thanks
because I am quite frankly not in the fuckin' mood."
"Nuaagghh," cried Remus, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Perhaps you ought to take it outside, boy?" said Slughorn, moving towards the front of the classroom, inspecting more potions as he went.
"If you try to force yourself not to say anything, it'll all just come out louder," said Snape, loudly enough for Remus and Sirius, but too quiet for their professor to hear.
Sirius launched himself towards Snivellus, but Remus grabbed hold of his arms and held him still.
"Just don't raise your hand in class to answer any questions," said Snape.
Sirius shook Remus off – he did not want to be touched right now – and stomped out of the classroom. He didn't have to look behind him to know that Remus was following, with both of their books and satchels in his hands.
"Goddamn Snape," ranted Sirius, "I could fucking kill him."
"Please don't," sighed Remus. "Potions don't last forever. I'll probably stop rhyming by tomorrow."
"Aren't you angry?"
"Of course I am, my overtly daft black-haired friend
but for none of this to be happening I'd like to pretend
so bloody calm and collected
I'll stay, while potion-infected
and when it's over, to defending my honor you can attend."
Remus snorted. "That's what you think. We might as well head to History of Magic. Classes are about to change in another five minutes anyway."
Sirius slung his arm over Remus' shoulder as they walked towards the stairs that led out of the dungeons.
"I'm sorry," he said. "Snape's a git and I don't mean to make things worse for you by always hexing him."
Remus leaned towards Sirius as they continued to walk. "It's all right. I know you don't mean to do it on purpose."
"I'm trying to be better, I really am! Especially after last year and the—"
"We don't have to talk about that," said Remus with a small, rather sad smile.
Sirius swallowed against an unexpected lump in his throat. "But I am trying, honest my brain doesn't like to work sometimes, but I've been trying to get a grasp on this hold 'think before you act' business. You believe me, don't you? Shitfuck! I didn't mean to ask a quest—"
But Remus had already interrupted him.
"Wanting my forgiveness has become an obsession
and there's really no need for another confession
so I wish you'd quit
I can't stand that shit
Well, er, I hope that answers your question."
"Shut up, Sirius."
"Well it is. I like it. How come you never do it when we're - I'M SORRY!"
"Oh, so me saying naughty words makes you erect?
this is something to which I do wholeheartedly object
I don't play that game
It makes me feel shame
Though, on you it does have a desirable effect."
"Er …" said Remus.
"Uh …" said Sirius awkwardly. And then, "I KNEW IT!"
Remus cringed. "Knew what? Get off me." He shrugged off Sirius' arm and began walking down the hallway again.
"I knew you liked it when I got hard."
Another groan escaped Remus' mouth.
"Tell me if you agree: Sirius Black is a better kisser than Lily Evans."
"Shut up, Sirius. If you weren't better I don't think I'd let you stick that pointy tongue down my throat every day."
"Yeah, but you never initiate it," said Sirius, quickening his pace to keep up with Remus whose cheeks were now a rather bright shade of tomato. "I'm always having to pull you into alcoves and tricking James and Peter to go start pranks. You never do that stuff. I figured you liked it a little bit because you never push me away, but I didn't think you actually enjoyed it."
Remus stopped walking again and turned around to face Sirius. "I will never understand your logic."
Sirius opened his mouth, ready to ask a question, but Remus held up his hands to stop him.
"If you didn't think I liked it, why'd you keep coming after me?"
Sirius didn't understand Remus' question. "But … I couldn't not kiss you. I don't understand what you mean."
Remus' face softened then, something that usually only happened when Sirius did something right or unbelievably not stupid. This was a good sign.
"I don't start things because it's a bit weird, isn't it? What we do …"
Sirius shrugged. "I don't see how. It's what I used to do with Marlene Greene and what James does with Lily. Er, what Lily does to James, I suppose." He shrugged again. "Besides! You are the one with the need to admit that you were gay and blah, blah, blah – hey, there's an alcove over there, we should—"
"Sirius, my God, a two-year-old has a better attention span than you do."
"Er, right. Yes, I suppose. I don't think you understand this revelation!"
"What revelation?" asked Remus, rubbing his eyes. "And, here." He thrush Sirius' schoolbag at him and turned to lean his back against the stone wall behind him.
"That you like what we do. I was beginning to doubt my sexual prowess."
"Oh my God."
"Well, I was. I wonder if I ask you questions if that potion forces you to answer the truth."
Remus quickly paled. "Please, don't – whatever you're thinking – it cannot be good."
Sirius rubbed his chin. "I think I should shave."
"I don't think you have any hair to shave."
Sirius frowned, took a deep breath, and asked, "I know we haven't really gone that far considering the amount of time we spend with our tongues in each other's mouths, but what d'you think I could do to turn you on the most?" Sirius stood in front of Remus, breathing against the other boy. "I want to make you as hard as your dirty limericks have made me."
The look Remus gave Sirius was murderous, but Sirius didn't care. If it took a potion to get the truth out of Remus, then he would take advantage. The boy was never forthcoming and while he did seem eager when they snogged, Remus still held back somewhat and never sought him out. And being a selfish git, this was simply an opportunity Sirius could not pass up.
"Sometimes with the curtains drawn and I'm alone
I'll put one fist in my mouth to stifle each groan
while I have a wank
and to be quite frank
I think by you, my cock having been blown."
Remus pushed Sirius away. "You're a bastard," he whispered.
"Yeah, but now I know what to do to you."
Remus readjusted his bag on his shoulder and stood up straight. He looked at Sirius, his eyes flickering down towards his mouth.
Sirius' heart slowed down in anticipation of his first kiss from Remus. The very first time he'd ever started it. It felt brilliant.
"Come on," said Remus. "We're skiving off History."
Sirius' eyes bulged and he opened his mouth—
"No, don't say it. Yes, I'm serious. Yes, we're going back to the dormitory. And yes, you can … do whatever my ridiculous limerick said."
Sirius grinned. "Excellent." And he followed Remus towards Gryffindor Tower, thinking of all the dirty questions he could ask and growing harder from the anticipation of Remus' dirty responses.