A/N: It has been crazy with everything going on, but I'm ready to post a small one-shot and the beginnings of my larger story. Anyway, read and enjoy!
And a little warning: Sesshoumaru is quite out-of-character. He's hurting badly. Pain can do weird things to someone.
Disclaimer: I don't like the idea of court in general. So trust me when I say I'm not purposely committing any type of copyright infringement. This is purely pleasure related.
"I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
-"Better Than Me" Hinder
Sesshoumaru sat on his couch staring out his balcony doors, watching as night fell on the city and lights began to take the place of the sun. His ice in his drink had long ago melted, his tie had been shed, and his dinner was left barely touched on the kitchen counter. It had been weeks since his confrontation with Kagome, but it felt like years since he had seen her smile or heard her tinkling laughter.
He woke up and thought of her and how she was doing, and he went to sleep imagining her angelic face from memories past. Every little thing that happened to him seemed to connect to her somehow; his house felt void and lonely without her presence. He knew he had been harsh on her when they had last spoke, but he didn't know what else to do. He had to convince himself and her of his total apathy towards her; otherwise everything she was would be lost.
He could not bear to be the one to destroy such an innocent soul.
He had no real plans to go back to Touran; that had been a lie to push Kagome further from him. He knew she was too good for him. Everything she did was for the benefit of others, including him. She was kind, caring, intelligent, sympathetic, beautiful, and just generally an attractive spirit.
He had convinced himself after their first sexual encounter that he didn't need her. He reasoned that the alcohol, perfume, and intense atmosphere of the club had led to the one time they would ever be together. She deserved so much better than a calculating, deviously cynical man like him. But the truth was that everyday, every minute, he thought of how it had felt to hold her and love her.
But the lie was placed, and the wall built.
He bent over to retrieve his glowing cigarette from the overflowing ashtray and took a large drag, watching as the smoke rings curled upwards into the deep recesses of his apartment. It hadn't even been a month yet and already he was going crazy. What was he to do?
Apparently alcohol had a larger effect on him than he thought. After so long a liquid diet will take its toll; his blood had become pure alcohol. That was the only way to explain the eight calls to her house and the subsequent eight hang ups. He was sure that by now she was highly annoyed, or maybe just extremely scared that she had acquired a stalker. He picked up the phone again after assuring himself that by now she had indeed fallen back asleep, and he dialed the familiar number.
Unfortunately for him, she hadn't went back to sleep. Maybe eight calls to hear her voice was too much? He froze when he heard her pick up the phone on the first ring, not realizing that he needed to hang up now and he listened to her voice. Her angry, sweet, angelic voice.
"Sesshoumaru, I know it's you. Why are you doing this?" He sighed, and his chest constricted when he heard the sadness in her voice.
"Sesshoumaru, please. Just decide what it is you need. I can't do this every night. I'm tired. So tired, Sesshoumaru." She was quietly listening to his breathing on the other end of the line.
He hung up.
Oh, God. What am I doing? He quickly sprang up from the couch and paced the hardwood floors, remembering her voice. Was this really as bad on her as it was on him?
His phone rang, vibrating half of his body. The sudden shock was too much and he dropped the phone before realizing what he had done and scrambled to pick it up, calm down, and answer it.
"Sesshoumaru, what is wrong? This is the third night in a row." His hands came up to cover his face and he shuddered. Hang up now.
"Kagome, I… I just needed to at least say one thing. Without saying it I don't know if we can ever close this." He could hear her breathing speed up through the phone, and he knew he had her attention.
"I… Kagome, you deserve so much better than me. I…" He closed his eyes against the sudden memory of her body moving against his and her lips whispering 'I love you' in his ear. Hang up now, you fool!
"Sesshoumaru, you know that is not true. No matter what Inuyasha says, you have always been a good man. I should know."
He could hear her sniffling now, the emotional distress finally becoming too much. He imagined her in her bedroom in the dark, crying over someone who had treated her so coldly.
"I… I miss you, Kagome," Sesshoumaru said. Hang up! Hang up! Listen to me! Now!
"Sesshoumaru, this isn't like you at all."
He chuckled quietly; it was a morbid, dry sound that stole the breath from her.
"You have never seen me after a month without you. I doubt you would recognize me."
"What do you want, Sesshoumaru? Me to sit back and watch you and her parade about and not care that my heart is," she choked on her grief, and was silent for almost a minute before finishing, "…not care that my heart is being ripped out?"
Yes! Hang up now and stop humiliating yourself! What is this? What the hell happened to you? Hang up now!
"I don't know. But you deserve better than this. I could not ever be with you. I'm sorry."
And she broke. "I don't deserve a say in my life? I don't get to decide—"
"Not on this, Kagome."
"Well then why did you call me!" Anger. Good. Anger was good.
"I had to close this between us."
"Oh really. Well if you think this is the last of this—"
"It is. Goodbye, Kagome."
He hung up. He sank to his knees on his floor, casting his eyes up to the half-hidden moon. He felt a tie to such a morbid being. He knew how it felt to hide half of yourself in the darkness, only getting to show your true self when everyone least expected it.
He would try to get it right tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she would hear the I Love You beneath all the cruel words and save him from this desperation.
But for now he would drink, and he would remember.
Heh. So much for anything light, eh? Maybe next time. I really do like the couple together, I just haven't found the right happy ending yet.