Author's Note: I was listening to this song, & just sort of started typing up a story... it's from Tamaki's point of view, and it's sort of a mental letter to Haruhi. Though Tamaki's an outwardly goofy guy, I know he's hiding some deep thoughts in there... haha.
All characters in the story are from Ouran High School Host Club and are © Bisco Hatori.
Title comes from a song by Diana Krall.
If I Had You
If I had you. These are words that when heard,
play with my mind. I constantly wonder what it would be like if I,
well, had you. Would life be better? Worse? Downright confusing?
Slightly awkward? I wonder, but yet, my mind can't come up with
anything. It's just a black void of… fear. Really. I'm afraid
to know what life would be like if I had you. Yet… I'm excited at
the same time.
What do we call this feeling?
As I watch you do your hosting duties, I can't help but wish that you wouldn't have accepted this job. If can't help but wish that you would have just said, "hey, guys, I just happen to be a girl". But in that case, if you had said that, we wouldn't be able to spend all this time together.
Oh, how life plays with our emotions.
If I had you, would I still be a host? Though I love doing this, sometimes I can't help but think that I would even give it up for you. Does that sound strange? I, the one who came up with the club, saying that he would give it up, just for one person, one girl…
The one question that tugs on my mind is… would you have me? We're friends, yes, but is that all you see me as? Or am I that annoying idiot you've more than once proclaimed I was? Or perhaps 'just someone you know'?
Day by day, I host. It's my job. It's something I like to do. But day by day, I also feel myself get more and more distracted by you. Instead of doing my duties, I stare at you, ultimately confusing my clients. Many think I just need to take a break, and that I've got other things on my mind… they have no idea that I have love on my mind, just as true as they have no idea that you're a girl. Sometimes, I just want to tell them all… but then, how would you pay off that debt? Plus… would you leave us, and never speak with any of us again, other than those damn twins?
If I had you, I would protect you. You may always want to appear strong, but we all need to show weakness sometime… in those times, I want to be there for you. Please, let me. And not just that kind of protect… because I feel this way for you, I want to protect your secret, too…
Not just because it will keep you nearby…
But because I admire the fact that you'd do this…
And I just admire you.
If I had you,
I'd make sure you know… every single damn day…just how much I care. I'd make sure you know how much you mean to me.
If I had you…