So I just saw Harry Potter at the midnight premiere and again yesterday, and I thought it was AMAZING!!!
Just had to let that out…Anyway. Due to the fact that I have work all summer, college looming, and I'm trying to spend as much time with my friends as possible before we all go our separate ways, I haven't had much time to update. Therefore, this fic is only going to be the events in FotR. So I'm making this chapter VERY long, but sadly, it'll be the last. Thanks for reading and reviewing, everyone!
Chapter 20: Safe…for now
Lothlorien had become an Elven paradise once more. Now the Elves didn't have to skirt around corners, constantly on guard from obnoxious, hormonal teenagers in neon colors that are waiting to jump them. Actually, there was only one, but the way she got around, it seemed like a million.
Jo and the Fellowship were at a state of rest that they hadn't experienced since…well, before they met Iendil. Naturally. It was a time of peace, a time of calm…a time when every male in the vicinity didn't have to worry about a rabid pink and blonde blur trying to climb into their leggings.
Yes, all was well.
For about three days.
Pippin awoke on the fourth day, not knowing that in a few hours' time, he was going to be wishing he just kept sleeping.
After breakfast with Merry, Pippin went off on his own to explore the Golden Wood. No one questioned this, because they all assumed they were still safe from Her Horniness.
He came upon a crystalline lake, and someone was in it. The person turn around, and Pippin stumbled backwards in horror.
Jo stretched out on the grass, relishing the peace and quiet. Three days without an inane giggle was a dream come true. That, and if she had to hear Iendil coo over her Orlando Bloom pictures again, she'd go abso-freakin-lutely insane. Though it was funny to watch Legolas's confusion at the pictures of the man that looked strangely like him.
Sam and Merry were next to her, smoking some pipe weed. Frodo joined them, and put on an impressive smoke ring show that consisted of smoky girls that looked oddly like a certain Sue getting attacked by giant smoke dragons.
"That's a good idea…" Jo mumbled thoughtfully.
Aragorn and Boromir entered the wood, just returning from a talk with Haldir while he was on border patrol. Legolas and Gimli were off with the Elves of Lorien.
Jo was just falling asleep when an ear-piercing yell made them all jump about five feet in the air.
"Wassat?" She whirled around, searching out the source of the scream.
Aragorn winced. "I'm not sure, but I think that means our peace and quiet have run out."
"Well, obviously, since someone's going around yelling loudly, but—" Jo realized what he was indicating and her face fell. "…Oh. Noooo, she can't be back!"
"As fun as it was, we knew that boiling her alive was only going to be a temporary reprieve," Boromir pointed out.
"I knowww, but…"
"That yell sounded familiar…" Sam mused.
Merry jumped up, forgetting about his half-full pipe. "That's Pippin!" he exclaimed in a panicked voice.
Legolas came dashing into the clearing with Gimli on his heels…Or slightly farther behind…He seemed to have gotten to the point a lot faster than the rest of the members of the Quest. "That yell means that a certain young Hobbit is trapped all by himself in the company of one Iendil Ancawen! We must fly to him before she corrupts him!"
Jo flinched violently. "Let's hurry, please!"
They set off at a quick pace, not knowing what condition they were going to find poor Pippin in.
Whatever they were expecting, it certainly wasn't what they found.
A quite naked Iendil was sitting in the shallows of the lake with her arms around a quite traumatized Pippin, stroking his curly head affectionately. All the males of the group immediately averted their eyes, to the disappointment of the Sue. Jo, however, was not amused.
"That is IT!" she roared, storming into the water and getting soaked in the process. She wrenched the terrified Hobbit away from Iendil before she had a chance to latch onto him tighter. Not a moment too soon either, because Pippin was turning a rather spectacular shade of green at being in such close proximity to a highly indecent Mary Sue.
"I have HAD IT with your nonsense! Trying to break up relationships, corrupting innocent Hobbits, and just being an intolerable slut-face!!" Jo shrieked. Iendil stared at her like a deer in headlights while the rest of the Company gaped. It appeared that Jo had finally snapped.
Galadriel came upon the scene, with Celeborn at Haldir on either side, several minutes later. By that point, things had turned rather amusing.
Iendil was let out dainty little shrieks while holding a washcloth over herself in a fake attempt to be modest. Jo was being forcibly restrained by Boromir, Aragorn, and three Lorien Elves. Legolas was trying to coax a response out of a visibly stunned Pippin while the other Hobbits crowded around them, looking extremely anxious. Gimli was sharpening his axe and staring at Iendil's neck with an odd gleam in his eye.
"My goodness, things have gotten interesting in these woods," she remarked conversationally to her husband; but there was some force behind her words. At the sound of her voice, everyone stopped what they were doing—Jo stopped struggling, Iendil let out one last tiny squeak and wisely shut up, Gimli reluctantly put away his axe.
"My lady, I can explain—" Aragorn began.
Galadriel held up a hand, an amused look on her face. "You needn't explain anything, I can surmise what has occurred. But if you can come to a truce within the Company, I have news of importance to you." The Fellowship members all watched her, interested. "Orcs are on the move outside our borders. If you wish to escape without battle, you must leave soon."
Wordlessly, everyone stood and made their way back to camp. Their mission was not to be sidetracked by a silly bint. They had much more important things to do, and if the mission was in jeopardy, they must leave immediately.
Legolas helped support Pippin back to their belongings, and Jo was assisted to the healers to get something to help her relax. Iendil was left standing (still naked) in ankle-deep water, her plan shot to hell.
She scuffed her feet in the sand and whimpered to herself. "Poop."
"Finally, something I CAN do!" Jo was in much better spirits out on the river. Fighting, she was crappy at. Rowing, she could handle. Iendil was in the same boat as her, but Jo was in such a good mood she didn't spare her a thought, and the former was getting her sulk on for the better part of the day. There was one bad experience where Iendil attempted to push Jo off the boat for revenge, but an oar to the head quickly stopped all notions of vengeance.
"I like haaate you!" Iendil whined insistently.
"You're not exactly my favorite person either," Jo said sweetly before intentionally splashing her with the oar.
Several hours later, they reached the falls and Amon Hen. Jo was extremely upset that they were soon to lose Boromir, but something told her that it would not be a good idea to screw with canon, as much as she wanted to.
Iendil dragged herself ashore and didn't bother to help the others unpack. She flopped down and began to complain about dinner.
That simple inquiry from Merry brought the camp into a state of slight chaos. Boromir was found to be gone to, and Aragorn suspected the worst. Everyone split up to search, which Jo knew would lead to no good.
Legolas fell back next to her. "Lady Jo?"
She forced a smile. "Just Jo, remember?"
"Forgive me. May I ask you a favor?" When she nodded he continued. "So that we do not have a repeat occurrence of Iendil's poor behavior, would you mind keeping an eye on her until we find Frodo? I would be much obliged."
Jo repressed a sigh. "Of course. Leave it to me."
Legolas flashed her a smile and sped away through the woods, pulling out his bow as he ran.
So, several minutes later, when Iendil darted into the woods, Jo had no choice but to follow.
As she ran, should could tell what Iendil was thinking. Mainly because in dramatic times like these, Iendil's thoughts had a habit of audibly projecting themselves. A voice echoed around the girls as they ran, one slightly behind the other.
This is my like chance. My chance to like make things like right. If I like do something good, they will like all like me again!!!1
Jo felt something wet hit her cheek and realized that crystalline tears were flying off Iendil's face. One tear hit her in the eye and she nearly fell over a root. Swearing, she hoped for the Sue's dramatic mood to pass. The voice boomed again.
If I can like save Boromir, they will all like love me again!
"Oh, hell no!" Jo muttered, speeding up. But Iendil was wiry and had a good head start, so she reached the clearing about two minutes before Jo and was soon engaged amidst the orcs in what was to her a "heated battle".
Cursing, Jo pulled a weapon from the hands of a dead Uruk and attempted to defend herself. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and the two Hobbits entered the clearing just in time to watch helplessly with Jo as Iendil put her plan into action.
And by plan, that means throwing herself in front of the arrows that were to kill Boromir in the hopes of saving him…just to get back on the good graces of the Fellowship, not because she actually cared if the man lived or died.
But that's when something strange happened.
It seems that for all Iendil's screwing around—in both senses of the word—the reason her shenanigans had been allowed to continue was because she wasn't affecting the plot in a real, tangible way. Sure, she was torturing and traumatizing the characters, but the plot all in all remained the same. But it seems that the gods of canon were not going to put up with her messing with the story. Some higher being had obviously had quite enough.
Just before the arrows hit her, Iendil evaporated. She literally dissolved into thin air and the arrows hit the intended mark. In the confusion, the two Hobbits were carried off by Uruk-hai. Jo averted her eyes from Boromir's dying form, wishing him peace.
A strange warmth spread through her body and she had a feeling that her time was up in Middle-Earth as well. After all, it really was her purpose to thwart Iendil, and now that the Sue was gone, she was of no more use.
Jo caught Legolas's eye from across the clearing. He gave her a funny look when he saw the sad expression on her face. She gutted an Uruk and gave him a little wave of goodbye. The warmth spread, and suddenly she was no longer in the clearing. Her last view of Arda was the shocked face of a certain Elf prince as she undoubtedly disappeared just as Iendil had minutes before.
When Jo opened her eyes next, she was in her bedroom, sitting in her chair by the computer, which now seemed so foreign to her. She strained her memory and realized that this was where she last remembered being before the bright light had whisked her away to Middle-Earth. She shook her head, unsure if it was all a dream.
If so, my imagination is pretty sick and twisted to come up with a character like Iendil…
But the dirt and blood smudged on her clothes told her that it wasn't a dream. And that she wasn't going crazy. After cleaning up, she looked at the clock. Almost no time had passed since she had been gone.
Suddenly hit with a wave of boredom, Jo ambled downstairs to get a snack. She switched on the television in time to catch a strain of the news. The story caught her attention and she leaned forward, listening, forgetting the bowl of popcorn she held in her hand. What she saw and heard made her smile evilly and wish she could tell the members of the Fellowship. Sitting back and chuckling to herself, she sat back and dug into her popcorn, watching the rest of the story with the greatest of satisfaction.
"…And witnesses say that today a young woman in hysterics was escorted out of a local convenience store by the police, dressed like someone out of a fantasy novel. She claimed the name 'Lady Iendil Ancawen' and was reportedly causing quite a scene. Experts say that she is most likely insane and she is to be sent to a mental institution so as to not be a danger to society…Live on the scene, this is Lisa Lafferty, reporting."
Thanks so much for reading!!