Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonball Z.

Hello. My name is Ned. I'm a janitor, I janitate things. With this fanfic, I'm going to take you through the worst of the worst (IMHO) when it comes to DBZ pairings. Throughout this chapter and the following 19 chapters, I am going to shove your face into the black hole of the internet that you will still be unable to completely comprehend when we reach the end of our dark journey. All of these pairings will be 100 percent true, I've seen these pairings in fanfiction before. Our first one is a strange, gross pairing that's receiving a bunch of undeserved attention. A very creepy pairing, one that may give the lil' childens (yes I spelled that wrong on purpose) nightmares: Gohan/Cell. Yes, you read me right. Hold your vomit for the fanfic, please.

Gohan was watching his father battle Cell in the world tournament. He bit his lip bloody, nervousness written in every crease of his face. Gohan wanted for Cell to quit destroying cities, absorbing people, and threatening to annihilate all living things. But, far more strangely, he just wanted Cell. Period.

Gohan didn't really have a clue why he was having these feelings for an android that has wings, green lizard skin, some horns on his head, and a general hatred for all living creatures. Gohan believed it had something to do with his teenage hormones or some shit that really had absolutely nothing to do with it and it's someone just beating around the bush (FUNNY MASTURBATION JOKE HAR HAR) and trying to come up with an excuse for getting way too much into HAWT android-lizard on boy AKCHION! But, Gohan digressed.

How would that work? A romantic or even, uh, sexual relationship with a being like Cell. Gohan wondered at this. I mean, it's obvious that Cell wasn't created by Dr. Gero to be a love machine. Just look at him. And yet, Gohan continued to stare dreamily at Cell and make people who are more "mundane" want to barf out their cheetos in shock and sickness. Staring, staring...

"Gohan, wake up!" Goku shouted, now standing right next to the confused boy.

"Uh... I'm okay," said Gohan dumbly.

"Is something the matter?"

"Oh, erm, no, I was just looking at, uhm... driveway."

Goku raised his eyebrows. "Cell must be hypnotizing him, the sick freak. Well, my son's gonna make him scream while he wipes the floor with him!"

"Oh, God..."

"Go out there and show Cell what you're made of!"

Gohan was getting really tired of his father's thinly-veiled sexual metaphors, he didn't need that right now! The half-saiyan floated cautiosuly down to face what was both his greatest nightmare and his potential soulmate. After about three episodes of staring each other down, Gohan began powering up, trying his absolute damnedest to hide the fact that he was having these feelings for this insane villain.

As Cell proceeded to pound Gohan into a moldering lump of fetid mush, it only made Gohan fall more in love with him. Which was strange, because, usually, punching would be the death-knell to a hopeful relationship. Cell finally knocked the little brat into a big rock. As Gohan dug out of the pile of rubble, Piccolo began whining to Goku and setting up a big humiliating "WRONG HE'S ALIVE HA HA" for Piccolo to have to be embarrassed at for many seconds to come. Gohan finally pushed out of the rocks and, bleeding out of his forehead with all of the force of a sprinkler, made Cell even more hungry to pimp-smack Gohan into the ground. But this was it. The tween had more than enough of this meaningless game. He made his way back over to Cell, the whole time failing to make eye contact.

"You have a lot of stamina, I'll give you that," Cell sneered. "Why don't you just save me the trouble and get back into that pile of rock so I can finish killing your friends?"

"Cell," Gohan began shakily, "I don't want to fight you. My dad thinks I can defeat you by tapping into my hidden energy, but... I can't make that happen. I want to make peace. I want the whole world to live in a magical fairy-princess land with horses and unicorns, shiny happy people and pretty smiling faces-"

"Hey, dumbass, my face is up here." Cell barked at the child, impatient will all of his posturing but, in typical DBZ villain fashion, way too lazy and overconfident to just finish off the much weaker fighter.

"Oh, oops."

Gohan's face was bleeding and twitching at about this point, he wasn't just blushing, that wouldn't be nearly obvious enough. Cell just stood there and chuckled at the boy, interpreting his nervousness as a realization that he was about to die. With all of the bleeding sweat, the idiot was practically doing his job for him. Finally, Gohan's saiyan impulses, or stupidity if you want to put it in more accurate terms, took over his hormonal body and the last hope for humanity layed a big kiss on Cell's face. Now, if this were the real DBZ series, Cell would at this point proceed to choke Gohan to death with his own intestines and Goku would probably either try to stop him or Vegeta would help him. I vote Vegeta, Goku would probably blow himself up in shame. Instead, Cell develops feelings for him and kisses back, they become an item, GOKU DOESN'T DISOWN GOHAN LIKE HE DAMN WELL SHOULD, Gohan and Cell get a big church wedding, Hercule dies of a drug overdose, and we all live happily ever after.

Except you. You just had your eyes raped. Enjoy it? Try writing it.