Disclaimer: Dragonball Z is not my prop- FUCK IT WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!
WE ARE ABOUT TO GET SO ROCKED RIGHT NOW THAT YOUR PARENTS ARE GOING TO INVENT A TIME MACHINE, GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP THEIR YOUNGER SELVES FROM FUCKING SO THAT THEY WON'T HAVE TO COWER BEFORE YOUR MAJESTIC ROCKED-NESS IN THE PRESENT! PAIRINGS SO FUCKED UP THAT SATAN HIMSELF WILL CRAWL OUT OF HELL AND SAY "NOT IN MY BACKYARD" BEFORE RIPPING A BABY'S HEAD OFF AND RAPING IT IN THE NECK HOLE!
ARE YOU FUCKING EXTREME ENOUGH? I SAID ARE YOU FUCKING EXTREME ENOUGH?
IT'S BLOWOUT EXTRAVAGANZA TIME! LET'S GO!
PUAR AND OOLONG!
Oolong pursed his lips together under his snout, staring off into space as he wondered how he would break the news to her that the pregnancy had… some flaws, to put it lightly.
The pig knew all along that the baby wasn't going to be quite right, but in his lack of wisdom he let it go through just on a vain hope that the biology would work itself out. No living being had ever been more wrong before in the entirety of existence…
"Say, Puar," began Oolong as he and his wife, Puar, stood on the other side of a glass window through which one could see several newborn babies, "I'm no negative nancy or anything, but maybe it wasn't such a good idea to bring a mixed-species child into this world."
Puar, who was in a wheel chair, gasped. "Oolong, how could you say that?"
"Well…" Oolong lifted up Puar a little bit so she could see their baby through the glass.
Puar gaped, unable to avert her eyes because the horror was so overpowering that everything surrounding it had turned to black in her eyes. The baby, if one could at all describe it in human terms, was a lovecraftian horror of highest proportions, bleeding constantly out of every orifice, a creature with no identity begging for death, communicating to his parents the endless suffering it feels at every nanosecond with its eyes, because his mouth could not create sound.
Puar vomited everywhere and died, taking her grief stricken husband with her.
YAMCHA AND TIEN!
Once upon a time, the bees were buzzing, the birds were chirping and Yamcha and Tien were fucking under a waterfall.
"I sure do love this, Tien," Yamcha said, while he fucked a turkey with a crude hole cut into it.
"I do too, but…" Tien trailed off, slowing down the pace he was using to fuck a honey baked ham.
"Well, I sometimes wish it were a living thing writhing under me right now. Screaming out as I fucked it… yeah, that'd be amazing…"
"I know, Tien, but we don't relate to anybody except each other anymore… even Chiaotzu's been through some odd changes."
Tien stopped. "You know, we're both living beings…"
"I just wish I were that turkey right now, if you know what I mean…"
Yamcha stopped, tears forming in his eyes. He threw down the turkey and tackled Tien to the ground.
"You don't know how long I waited for you to say that…"
Tien smiled, his third eye winked at the other warrior. And Yamcha knew what that meant. That's right:
Then dude sex.
Yamcha was mildly disturbed by the appearance of Tien's penis, probably because there was an eyeball hiding inside the urethra, but that didn't stop Yamcha from taking it into his mouth. The joy that Yamcha and Tien felt at that moment when the penis landed on Yamcha's tongue was the happiest either of them had ever felt since they were young children…
Then Launch showed up and shot Yamcha through the soft part of his head, destroying Tien's dick in the process.
TRUNKS AND CHICHI!
"Hey, Trunks, did you come over to check up on Goku?"
"Yeah," Trunks nodded at Yamcha. "I wanted to make sure Goku was doing okay before I checked out the battlefield."
Yamcha's cheeriness vanished from his face and a look of deadly seriousness took over. He nodded and stepped outside to tell Trunks that he'd go check the fight for him. Trunks was reluctant to let a weaker fighter like Yamcha go back out there, but he agreed.
"Who're you?" Chi-Chi screamed at Trunks from the kitchen. Trunks realized that Chi-Chi hadn't even met him yet. "I'm from the future… The one who gave you guys the heart medicine?"
"Oh," Chi-Chi relaxed, walking from her pot of stew to get a better look at the half-saiyan from another age. "When is that heart medicine supposed to work?"
"It takes some time."
"Do you think we gave him enough?"
"Plenty. You don't have to give Goku quite as much because he's so much stronger than the average person that contracts the virus."
"Good." Chi-Chi stood closer to Trunks. "I'm glad you gave this to us. It must be horrible to not have Goku around in your time…"
Trunks turned his head away and nodded. "It's awful."
They stood there for what felt like an eternity. Finally, their lips met. Next thing they knew, they were fucking on top of Goku's unconscious body. Goku woke up with Trunks' bare ass on his face and, with fury enough to overcome his sickness, incinerated them both in mid-coitus and left them smoldering on the bed as a fire from Chi-Chi's neglect of her stew burned everything down around him. Goku smiled and, before he died, uttered this phrase: "Skip to my lou for the FINAL TIME, motherfuckers."
CHIAOTZU AND GENERAL TAO!
General Tao sat up and let out a loud yawn, not quite recognizing his surroundings but strangely comfortable in them. He could feel that he was nude under the blankets, but it was so cold this winter… he could only stay under them.
He didn't like feeling this vulnerable, yet it refused to stop pulling him into the dregs of something he had hated since he first became an assassin… complacency.
After all, that was the reason he jumped onto the idea of having his shredded body replaced with robotic parts after his battle with Goku to begin with. He had it done under the pretense that becoming a relative freak show would be the final nail into any attempt to settle down and call some place home.
Tao jumped at a noise coming from the other side of the dimly-lit room. The door appeared to have opened by itself, but after a split second Tao looked down and noticed a little pale-looking… boy or man or something, wearing nothing but underwear and holding a platter.
"Morning, hon," Chiaotzu whispered quietly, closing the door behind him. "I made breakfast."
"What…" began General Tao in abject horror, "did we do last night?"
"We made love." Chiaotzu responded matter-of-factly.
"Oh, God, no!"
"Yes!" Chiaotzu's now-demonic voice bellowed out, startling Tao. "Gaze upon your penis for proof!"
Tao, whimpering in fear, shakily began to remove the bed sheet as he gazed into the seemingly bottomless now-red eyes of the thing he had rowdy, drunken sex with last night. Chiaotzu became impatient after mere seconds and pulled it off the bed.
What greeted Tao was an albino penis with a black hat and two red marks on both sides of the head.
"THE TRANSFORMATION HAS BEGUN!"
ANDROID 18 AND KRILLIN!
OH, WAIT, THAT'S CANON…
ANDROID 18 AND NAPPA!
Android 18 sighed with glee as her fingers caressed the bald head of her lover in heaven. "How did you make it up here anyway, Nappa?"
"Did some lawn work," Nappa said simply. His voice was muffled by Android 18's lap, where his face lay as she massaged his head.
"I could rub this head all day, you know…" Android 18's silk voice whispered into Nappa's ear. "I… I can't even imagine stopping."
"You must have some kind of fetish or something… 'course, you won't hear me complaining…"
"Yeah, I love bald heads… my husband used to have one until he grew his stupid hair out."
"Your husband?" Nappa shot up from 18's lap. "You're married? We can't do this!"
"Why not?" 18's once smooth voice became icy. She glared with Nappa with determined and ferocious intensity.
"It's against the Saiyan code of honor to take a mate that's already taken!"
18 stomped her foot clear through the ground. "I'm not going to let your stupid saiyan pride get in the way of that beautiful head!"
Before Nappa could prepare to defend himself, 18 delivered a solid punch to Nappa's gut, crippling him. The only thing that stopped Nappa from dying was the fact that he had already. 18 allowed him to fall on the ground in intense pain before sitting on his back and roughly clutching the weak fighter's shiny head. Her hands took the head and, attempting to experience as much feeling as possible from what she'd fallen in love with, inadvertently crushed it, leaving him alive but no longer capable of doing anything but bleeding and experiencing horrifying pain. Bored with Nappa's now unattractive head, she walked away to go chit-chat with Chi-Chi.
HERCULE AND YAJIROBE!
Yajirobe's flowing gown was the only thing obscuring the most beautiful full moon Hercule had ever seen in his entire life as he stared at him from their bed, the other man looking over the balcony. And by "full moon," Hercule was thinking of Yajirobe's fat, naked, protruding death-scented ass.
"Have I shown you my statuette that I was given for taking the credit for killing Cell four years ago?" Hercule asked, ego getting in the way of his horniness.
"Yeah, dude," Yajirobe turned to face Hercule. "Have I shown you the sword I used to take down Vegeta nearly ten years back?"
"Shown it to me? Why, I've never had a more satisfying sexual experience with a sword in all my years!" Hercule gushed. Both literally and figuratively.
The lovers became quiet again, relaxing their worn and spongy bodies. They tried not to think too much about what they had been doing to each other for the past three days, because it would just make them want to do more. They felt like they were completely strained and out of energy, and yet the damned spirit would not stop being willing.
"You know, I think I can take the credit for us simultaneously orgasming the last time we 69ed," stated Yajirobe.
"No way! That was all me!"
Hercule crossed his arms and met Yajirobe at the balcony. "You're full of crap, which is weird because I gave you a hot water enema while masturbating you earlier today!"
Yajirobe suddenly grinned. "Let's have a rematch then… to decide who can take the credit."
They began to make out in front of the real full moon.
VIDEL AND GOTEN!
THUD! THUD! THUD! Videl attacked the punching bag endlessly, pushing her own limits and perhaps even the limits that no other human being had ever managed to break before. At least, she told herself that.
The punches and kicks seemed to connect with a pounding rhythm that somehow made them more amazing to listen to than just a flurry of punches and kicks from another trained professional. Videl's focus on keeping a steady beat allowed her mind to think freely and contemplate the day she'd had. A black-haired guy kept creeping into her mind and it was all she could to just to not lose herself in her own fantasies. It was little things like a bead of sweat falling down onto her headband from her hair that reminded her that there was a world outside the love of her life…
As usual, the punching bag eventually busted open and out fell Goten among the sand wearing nothing but a black leather thong and nipple clamps.
Videl nodded with satisfaction watching the little boy get up and start playing with the nipple clamps like he had been doing all day. "Okay, we're done with that part, now on to…"
"NO! You promised that we would get ice cream after doing this!" Goten whined. "Come on, I've been doing your chores all day, and they don't even make any sense! You still won't answer why I had to let you handcuff and hit me with a whip for two hours!"
"Okay, okay," laughed Videl. "I guess you've done enough for me today. I got some good pictures for tonight. Are you ready to get that ice cream?"
So they walked out of the gym together, a misfit duo fading away into the wild blue with a hundred others…
Well guys, it's been a long ride. Too long, just for twenty short chapters. I remember posting this old thing four years ago today, a spry and cynical high school kid with an urge to write really gross stuff for the entertainment of other people. At last, the vision I had of creating all 20 chapters is finished, and I gotta say, I'm probably going to burn in hell for five eternities.
Aw, whatever. I don't regret a thing. Anyway, I may be done with this one, but I'm not ready to retire my pairings of the apocalypse yet. I've been perusing the Yu-Gi-Oh section of this website for a little while, and the cannon fodder over there is ripe as hell folks, believe me. Along with that, I might come back and do a few more Dragonball Z pairings some day, but I feel like I've exhausted a nice chunk of them already, so I'll definitely wait a good while for that.
Bottom line: Sayonara, thank you for reading and reviewing, and look forward to Yu-Gi-Oh Pairings of the Apocalypse sometime.
Oh, yeah, and WERE YOU FUCKING EXTREME ENOUGH?