Disclaimer: After 20 chapters, if you still haven't gotten the message, I don't know if you can be helped. Once more: Inuyasha ain't mine!
Every time I think I've made it out, I pull myself back in. Hello, I'm nedthejanitor, and I need help, because I'm actually fucking coming back to this story. And I just got out of debt to my therapist. I may or may not update this thing with bonus chapters once every, like, month or so. We'll just have to see what happens.
Anyway, today's double-edged sword is another one of those wonderful interspecies pairings that not only makes one cringe but makes one think. Specifically, it makes them think, "how in the hell is that even possible?" But no one is around to answer, except for their own vomit. Enjoy, Piccolo and Chi-Chi.
It was during the three-year period between Frieza and the Androids. Well, robo-Frieza. Then Trunks. You get what I'm saying. Chi-Chi was lying in bed after a long day of babysitting. Gohan could take care of himself, but Goku couldn't. Apparently, his terrible crash on Yardrat taught him more than just Instant Transmission. It also taught him incontinence, the way of the Yardrat people. Damn Yardrats. I, for one, prefer Lawnrats.
Anyway, Goku and Gohan were out doing some kind of stupid shit. Piccolo was taking a break, claiming he had an injured leg. In the kitchen, right above the dining table, he floated and did his strict regimen of slee- er, meditating.
"Say, Piccolo," Chi-Chi said in the middle of setting out some food for dinner, "could you meditate anywhere else? I don't want all this food to smell like your butt sweat."
Piccolo pretended not to pay attention. Secretly, he cursed Chi-Chi. She would get a piece of his mind, as soon as he learned what is a butt or a sweat.
"Piccolo!" Her tense, nagging voice rang in his ears like a fart in a canyon. I am just all over the place with butt and butt-related jokes in this chapter, eh? I promise I'll make this the last one. "Piccolo, I am talking to you! Don't ignore me!"
"What?!" Piccolo snapped his eyes open and yelled. This action caused him to lose his concentration and fall on top of dinner. Chi-Chi screamed. "NO! Look what you've done!"
The Namekian hopped off the table and saw that Chi-Chi's pasta had been tenderized by Piccolo's body. "What are you going to do about this?!" Chi-Chi hollered.
"What do you expect me to do?!" Piccolo yelled right back, not willing to be cowed down by Chi-Chi's screaming the way her husband and son were. About ten minutes later, the woman was forcing him to recook the food. "How in the hell did…?"
"Keep cooking, slave!" Chi-Chi demanded, then immediately clamped her own mouth shut. But it was too late. Piccolo turned away from the stove to give Chi-Chi a seriously skeeved look. What did it look like? Well, imagine what your face would look like if Chi-Chi just called you a slave. Now, picture it happening and check yourself out in the mirror. About like that. And as long as I'm telling you to do stuff, go read another fanfic. This chapter's probably going to get grody.
"Did you just call me a slave, you-"
"NO!" Chi-Chi backed away. "No, I didn't say anything. J-Just keep doing what you're doing, I need to go to the restroom, if you need help just wait, bye!"
The overbearing mom high-tailed it outside. Piccolo didn't know the Son household didn't have a bathroom. Nor did he know what a bathroom was, but that's a story for another chapter. Yeah, that's right, I might involve scat in one of these. Still want to put this god-forsaken thing on Story Alert?
"Stupid, stupid!" Chi-Chi slapped her forehead for about two straight minutes, pacing around back and forth near the family tree. By family tree, of course, I mean bathroom. "How could I have said that?! What if he finds out?!"
A voice from the distance. "Find out what?!" It was Piccolo, standing at the door wondering what Chi-Chi was doing.
"Nothing, Piccolo! How can you even hear me?!"
Chi-Chi said nothing in response. To anybody else, this would have been an immense relief. Unfortunately, I need to move this thing along, so Piccolo flies over to check on the wife of Goku. "What's that smell?"
"God damn!" Piccolo barked. "Even on Namek we had indoor plumbing! Come back inside, I'm having trouble with the soup-"
"I'm into BDSM!"
Piccolo gave her a funny look. "No idea what that is. Did you cook it?"
"Piccolo…" Chi-Chi leaned up and whispered into Piccolo's ear, even though they were the only two people nearby. Piccolo's eyes widened gradually. "People do that on this planet?!"
"Yes. Could you?"
Piccolo knew exactly what Chi-Chi said. But, y'know, a woman like Chi-Chi says hook a car battery to her nipples, you want to hear it again. Just to make sure that you got it right the first time.
"I want you to call me your whore."
"I'll explain it."
For the next hour or two, Piccolo took a crash course in sadism and masochism. Chi-Chi had more leather stashed underneath her marriage bed than a congressman, and none of it was wasted. Without going into too much detail, Chi-Chi and Piccolo resembled the end of the Goku/Frieza fight by hour two.
Unfortunately, Chi-Chi's habit of leaving cooking food where it is once again bit her ass, something Piccolo'd already done enough. The house was in flames and Piccolo narrowly saved Chi-Chi from dying a really stupid, humiliating death in bondage gear.
That night, Goku and the family stayed at Capsule Corp, where they would be until Goku rebuilt the Son house. Chi-Chi was being kept awake by Bulma and Vegeta's rambunctious fuck sounds when she rolled over and saw Piccolo. He was floating outside her window, looking in with that determined scowl. Outwardly, his features screamed "I will pound this villain." Inwardly, his mind screamed "I will pound this vagina."
Chi-Chi rolled the window up and addressed the Namekian. "What are you doing here?"
"I can't get you out of my head. I want- oh, my God," Piccolo overheard Bulma and Vegeta as well. "It sounds like an owl giving birth to an air raid siren, what the fuck is that?"
"Bulma and Vegeta," Chi-Chi sighed. "They've been keeping me up for hours."
Piccolo gave her a horny smile, inching closer. "I should be the one doing that."
The next day, everyone found out about Piccolo and Chi-Chi's hot affair. Goku wasn't affected, because he didn't even know what the hell marriage was to begin with. Gohan, on the other hand, was even more happy since now he finally had a real father.