Author's notes: Yikes…Sorry I havent been updating this fic much lately. I got into writing Sounds lately, and then I acquired samurai warriors 2 empires. Fact about this author, I'm obsessed with feudal warfare. Anyways here it is chapter eight. No lemons this chapter. I will try and do it surname first since some of youglareyou know who you are keep busting my balls over the names being English. If I was doing them in English I would be saying the literal meanings of their names so c'mon stop busting my balls over something so trivial!!
Keep in mind that if you people keep demanding lemons in this fic I will stop writing it. Who do I look like? Larry Flint? I'm not turning a little comedy story into a piece of porn.
Disclaimer: don't own Naruto! Wish I did!
The day after….
Naruto mumbled as he tried to get out of bed, but he was immediately pulled back down by his wife. "Going somewhere dear?" the blonde haired beauty venomously said as she pulled Naruto back into the bed. He sighed in exasperation, as he looked at his wife, "No more snoo snoo…the mind is willing but the body is tired…and unwilling!" Naruto whined it was understandable that he wasn't up to performing after a whole night of consummating the marriage.
"Oh what happened to the endless stamina you used to have?" Ino smirked as she poked his chest before kissing him softly. She then giggled some as she slipped out of the bed pulling on a robe. "I wasn't going to make you do anymore. But I'm not letting you out of the house today! You are on hiatus from you're 'mission' for today!" she sassily finished as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Yes my love." Naruto said in fear of his wife, he then lay fully on his back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, Ino then walked off quietly. Soon enough he smelled the aroma of food being cooked in the kitchen and his stomach actually twisted in fear. Now Ino was a beautiful woman and all but her cooking was little to be desired. It was so bad Naruto could hardly choke it down he clutched his stomach in loathing of the thought of eating that cooking.
"No choice but to run!" Naruto fearfully said as he jumped to his feet and quickly got dressed. He decided to avoid the fate worse than death and began to sneak through the large mansion he had to reach the back where he could sneak out one of the windows. He was about there when there it was, a pair of pale blue eyes narrowed and glaring with animosity at him, a great amount of killing intent was being exuded.
"Going somewhere koibito!?" Ino hissed as she clenched her fist, she noticed Naruto looking a bit sheepish as he backed up in fear. His right eye twitched he was quickly trying to think of an excuse that would be plausible and not get him hurt.
"It's not that you're a bad cook…just cooking isn't one of your strengths…you're best at botany, floral arrangements, and being a regular freak in bed…but your cooking isn't that good…" Naruto timidly said as he fidgeted some, then he saw his wife look down as veins popped out of her forehead. 'Oh shit…this isn't going to end well' he quickly thought.
Meanwhile as passers by walked passed the compound they all heard something that only signified the first incident of newly weds. The first fight of a married couple.
Sometime later…Naruto was sitting at the dinner table eyeing the breakfast his wife prepared for him. He poked it quietly with his chopsticks he had never seen an omelet like this it was thin and folded over with vegetables, meat, and cheese inside. Naruto couldn't do much with his chopsticks so he was about to try and eat it with his barehands. "It isn't going to kill you Naruto. And it might help to use a fork and knife." Ino scolded her uncouth husband who was about to try and eat it with his hands.
Naruto grumbled and cut off a small piece, he was slowly bringing the piece of food to his mouth he found that it was something Ino didn't scorch or somehow ruin. Kami be praised, Ino could cook something! Naruto took another bite just to make sure it wasn't just a fluke. Sure enough it was actually good, Naruto began to practically inhale the omelet. Soon he was looking at an empty plate, and he whimpered. "You honestly thought what you had before was my true cooking ability?" Ino slyly said as she ruffled her husband's hair.
Elsewhere…namely outside the compound
"She can't keep my…" Haku began but stopped when she was glared at by the Hyuuga Heiress, the medic-nin Sakura, and Tayuya. She quickly cleared her throat realizing that was the worst choice of words. "I mean our Naruto-kun…" Haku turned her attention back to the mansion, a vein was about to pop out of her forehead when she saw Taiyoumaru scratching at the front door.
"OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!" a fierce voice called out as a very irritated Hana walked up, she stormed right up to the front door and kicked it in. She was about to give Ino a piece of her mind, making such a sweet puppy as Taiyoumaru stay outside was just wrong. The other three girls simply waited for all hell to break loose, and sure enough the bickering commenced.
"Okay go!" Haku commanded as the three girls rushed to the mansion the three girls rushed in. Once inside the three were in shock as there was no Naruto in sight and there were others who were plotting to steal Naruto away, Shizune, Kurenai, and Anko to be precise.
"This is awkward…" Kurenai coldly commented as the group of girls collided in the dinning room. They then turned their attention to where Naruto was, only to find a Naruto plushie sitting in the chair. All eight of the women twitched in anger that Naruto ran away like that.
Naruto was a good twenty four blocks away when the shout echoed out from his mansion that told him they knew he was gone. And as if on cue he heard them all shout in unison as he was far enough away to escape their wrath.
"UZUMAKI NARUTO!!!!! Get your ass back here right now!!!"
Naruto who had Taiyoumaru in his arms made a run for it, he ran swiftly down the street and skidded to a stop seeing Gaara and Temari. "Oh fuck me sideways…" he couldn't get one day to himself, Naruto hung his head in defeat.
"Naruto…why are you avoiding my sister…?" Gaara coldly asked as he approached Naruto, who was by this point twitching in fear of Gaara. He was picturing it in his head, him being bound in sand by Gaara or something worse.
"I just haven't had the chance! I've been ya know forced on dates with other girls…getting married…trying to find a moments rest…" Naruto laughed nervously and raised his hands up quietly waving them in defense. "Five minute head start, before you force me to marry Temari even if I love her?" Gaara nodded slowly and Naruto ran like he never ran before. He didn't need to get married the day after he got married.
Naruto soon found himself being grabbed and pulled into an alley, he couldn't see who his savior was but was thankful she was leading him to safety. Eventually they were far enough away from the insanity that Naruto could breathe safely. He then raised his head and saw who his savior was and blinked in amazement, long blonde hair tied back neatly, and the slanted eyes. It was none other than Yugito.
"Why did you save me from the crazy women?" Naruto asked as he caught his breath, he didn't quite trust this woman. She was cold, and hateful, just then his suspicions were justified when she pulled out a kunai ready to stab him. She lunged forward and Naruto dodged the kunai missed his heart and went right through his hand.
He winced and pulled the knife out of his hand and dropped it to the ground looking at the woman angrily. He held his hand up for her to see, hoping she would come to realization with what she was dealing with. Her jaw hung wide in shock as she witnessed the wound healing slowly.
"You...you're not human!" she shouted as she took a step back, she didn't know why the Raikage gave her the mission at first but now it was becoming all too clear. Send a monster to kill a monster, she pulled out another kuani ready to strike him again, but he was too quick and grabbed hold of her wrist and pressed her against a wall. She then saw a look in his eyes, it was not too unlike the look she had in her eyes for so long. A look of loneliness.
"...It hurts doesn't it...?" she quietly said as she looked at him quietly, letting go of her kunai. Even if Naruto had so many friends now the look of loneliness remained the years of torment couldn't be erased in just a few years. They would remain with him forever, Naruto nodded his head quietly as he looked at her. "You know...you don't have to be alone anymore Yugito-chan...you have me...we are after all engaged." Naruto replied as he slid his hand down from her wrist to her hand lacing his fingers with hers.
"Naruto..." she whispered quietly, she was becoming somewhat less hostile in his presence. She found his presence to be warm, not a threat to her in the least. She dropped her arms quietly, and then she gasped in shock when she was pulled into his arms in a gentle embrace. Tears were welling in her eyes, she had never been held in her life, she had a hard life like any Jinchuuriki.
"I know what its like Yugito-chan...the years of loneliness they don't go away." Naruto spoke softly as he rested his head against hers quietly. She began to sob quietly and Naruto continued to hold her quietly he stroked her head as he comforted her, she dropped all the walls she had put up over the years and clung tightly to Naruto as she cried in his arms. She was no longer afraid to be true to herself and reveal that she was just a scared girl.
Naruto wiped the tears from her eyes, and smiled softly at her the girl timidly smiled for what seemed like the first time to her. "Never let people tell you what you are. What you contain isn't who you are...who you are is who you are you know?" Naruto tried his best at giving her a pep talk. The girl nodded her head, she felt increasingly more comfortable around this man who was her fiancé. She even blushed a little, she had never felt so cared for it made her feel warm and tingly inside.
Naruto leaned closer to her and brushed his lips over hers as he kissed her softly, she wrapped her arms around his neck as she blushed softly. She had never been kissed because in Kumogakure people were too afraid of her, she pressed herself close to Naruto giving into the moment. She slowly broke away from the kiss and looked to the ground, she had never experience a kiss and that was her first kiss.
"Naruto...that...that was so wonderful..." she looked longingly into Naruto's eyes finding the acceptance that she had wanted for so many years. She snuggled close resting her head on Naruto's chest, she feeling safe around him, his words had managed to convince her she didn't have to go through with her mission.
The way her heart was racing anymore when she was around the blonde convinced her that she couldn't do it. The truth was she had fallen for him, he acknowledged her, it was what she always needed was to just be acknowledged as a person and not as a tool. Naruto was someone she could rely on someone who could make her feel like a person.
Naruto caressed her cheek and smiled warmly at her, he was always one to put the needs of others before his own. This was fundamentally what made him a prime candidate for Hokage. He was never the kind to be selfish or put his needs before others, this was the primary factor that made him popular with the girls.
As if on cue the moment was ruined and Anko descended from above and dragged Naruto away taking him back to her lair to do Kami knows what with Naruto. One thing that could be said about that was, may there be mercy on his soul, for it was rumored Anko was really, really in need of a man. No one would be seeing Naruto for a while, but it seemed Kami hadn't truly forsaken Naruto today.
Kurenai rushed forward and tackled Anko to the ground before trying to pull Naruto off towards her home. As if on cue the other girls arrived, Gaara was no longer planning to interfere, "Never before in the history of girls loving Naruto has their been a spectacle such as this." Kiba said into a microphone at a table off to the side. Naruto sweat dropped at this because it was frankly annoying.
"I agree it all started back in our Genin days and the leading veteran of the sport Hyuuga Hinata is still managing to give it her all. And is that your sister?" Shino commented as the two were watching the all out brawl the erupted. It made the bouquet toss look docile, Hinata jumped building ledge diving straight at Naruto ready to drag him away. Before she could get away Sakura threw a punch which Hinata knocked away with ease.
"Yes that is my sister she is a rookie to the sport it seems as she is making the biggest mistake a rookie can make!" Kiba exclaimed watching his sister made an attempt to get Naruto away from Hinata and Sakura. The three girls entered into more serious hand to hand combat as Naruto crawled across the ground in an attempt to get away.
Naruto had almost crawled away when Tayuya started glowering down at him, he laughed in fear and tried to run away but the redhead grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. She was dragging Naruto away virtually unchallenged, until a girl with glasses blocked her path. "OH CMON GIVE ME A BREAK!!!" Naruto shouted in anger as Karin seemed insistant on stopping Tayuya from getting away with Naruto.
"Look slut you better not be getting in the way of me and Naruto getting married because I'm not giving birth to a bastard!" Tayuya shouted angrily clenching her fist, of course all the girls in the vicinity blanched and stepped back. She was only a few days into her pregnancy and she was already trying to kill people. Er maybe that was just normal maybe the hormones haven't started going all out of whack yet.
"I am you got a problem with that? It's not like you're going to have a baby in an hour." the girl responded, before adjusting her glasses. This was none other than Karin a former experiment of Orochimaru's that Sasuke had brought back to the village. She was a bit unstable in all honesty, but as Naruto liked to put it when Ino wasn't around, she was hot.
"Ummm excuse me?" Naruto tried to get the fighting to stop but his calls were drowned out by the bickering of the women. "WHAT IS IT NARUTO!?" the two girls fighting over him in his vicinity snapped angrily at him. The classic women snapping at the guy they're fighting over. "Do I get a say in this at all? I am after all the father of the baby...and I thought you liked Sasuke or something Karin..." Naruto sheepishly said as he scratched his cheek in timidness of the crazy ladies.
"I did...but..." Karin took her glasses off and smirked pulling Naruto's head against her chest, causing the blonde to turn bright red. "I decided I like you much more Naruto-kun...you are so strong and you care..." she then ran her fingers through the blonde's hair causing him to stammer. She then began to rub her chest against her face grinning darkly completely ignoring her competition. "Naruto-kun I would love for you to come over to my place for dinner tonight. So please say yes." she then pouted, this caused Naruto to immediately cave in as he nodded his head.
"Kiba what did we just witness?" Shino asked as he and Kiba continued their observations from the side lines as self proclaimed play by play announcers.
"That was Karin's patented seduction technique, lets go to the video playback!" before they could do such Temari knocked the two away with her fan, her eye twitching in anger. "NARUTO YOU LUCKY SON OF A BIT-" before Kiba could finish he and Shino disappeared into the horizon.
"HOW DARE THAT BITCH!!!" all of the other girls shouted in anger, but Naruto having learned in his years of experience in dealing with Ino knew it was time to run. So he jumped to his feet and grabbed hold of Tayuya's hand pulling her away so they could take care of her problem, he wasn't about to be hit over the head by her.
"Naruto! What the fuck!?" Tayuya yelled at Naruto ready to smack him across the back of the head. He could of at least given her warning, but Naruto didn't show any fear of her and kept leading her towards the Hokage tower for a quickie wedding, since he didn't figure Tayuya was big on ceremonies.
"We're getting married thats what the fuck." he realized all too late that he wasn't making much sense but he didn't care. He stopped for a moment and rubbed his temples, "Look Tayuya-chan you wanna get married right? We're gonna get married I wont to avoid any further insane battles royale! Frankly it stopped being funny three chapters ago."
"Chapters? What the fuck are you talking about!?" Tayuya's eye twitched as she raised her hand up to smack the father of the child she was expecting.
"Calm down...we're getting a quickie wedding!" Naruto casually said his hands raised in defense, he didn't want the girl to hit him over the head. He saw the blood vein throbbing in her neck and sighed softly as he heard the sounds an approaching thwack. But found his ear grasped and twisted causing him to shout out in pain, he felt like he was being treated like a womanizer. Well he technically was.
"Oh isn't that just sweet, we can tell the kid one day that the reason why we're together is you knocked me up and we got married so he wouldn't be a bastard! Aren't you just romantic! And we can tell them that you were already married! And that on our wedding night you were on a date with a slut who came onto you like a drunk prom date!" Tayuya was going into a long rant and Naruto knew he wasn't going anywhere for a while. Luckily he had a candy bar, so he sat down and began to eat his candy bar while Tayuya continued to rant. Naruto was doing quite the the good job blocking out her complaining, it was like he had some experience with it.
"I love it! It will give the kid wonderful emotional scars! Every kid needs some! Just not to the degree that whiny Uchiha bitch has em." the redhead smirked and pulled Naruto in the direction of the Hokage Tower she was all for the plan. Naruto's eye once more twitched in shock, this girl was crazy, very very crazy.
"Okay you're now husband and wife! Here's your marriage license." Tsunade handed over the paper to the two and smiled. 'Ah to be young and in lust.' was her only thought about it as she looked at the two in front of her. It would seem her plan to get Naruto to reproduce was already working since she heard the circumstances.
"Alright shithead. It's done try not to be out with bimbos all night long. Or I will convince your other wife that we should make you help us redecorate the mansion...with out Kage Bunshin!" the in itself was a torture no man should have to endure. The frilliness and the girliness would drive any straight man sane, Sai probably thrived in that environment, and that was no generalization. People had seen Sai's bedroom, and the memory of it made Naruto cringe.
"Yes dear..." Naruto was once again defeated by a woman proving that he will be the most whipped man in Konoha since Nara Shikaku. He was simply put doomed, doomed as Kakashi if he ran out of porn, he might actually have to interact with a woman if that happened. "It's just a dinner...what could possibly go wrong?"
Tsunade, Tayuya, and Shizune who was the witness all narrowed their eyes slightly at Naruto. They couldn't believe he was that gullible, it wasn't so much that Karin was a slut, it was that she always got what she wanted.
"Eh hehe...right...well I gotta go then..." Naruto said as he rubbed the back of his head, he laughed nervously before bolting out the door. Tsunade's eye was twitching, she had no idea what kind of monster she had created. She was turning Naruto into a womanizer.
"That's your dream boat running off on another date Shizune. Doesn't that make you proud?" Tsunade had to tease her apprentice, it was the perfect set up and it garnered a response as Shizune's eye twitched. This caused Tsunade to snicker with pleasure at the infuriation of her assistant.
Later at Karin's apartment...
Naruto knocked at the door, he suddenly got this chill that ran down his spine. He felt the sense of impending doom, like he had whenever Ino and Sakura were about to start fighting. "Come in!" Karin called from inside, and Naruto opened the door and walked in, he looked about until he finally found her. Karin used her feminine charm to get what she wants but it would seem that what she wanted was Naruto because she was standing coyly off to the side in a sexy black dress.
Naruto seeing this pinched his nose since he felt a nose bleed coming on. Impending doom indeed, of all the girls who could make him dinner it had to be this one. A girl that made Temari and Ino look homely, it must be the glasses, it was statistically proven girls with glasses were cute. "Are you okay Naruto-kun?" Karin asked as she set a hand on his cheek causing him to stammer some.
"Good because I made ramen special for you." at the mention of ramen he didn't care what angle she was working. He was essentially a prostitute when it came to ramen, have an ugly daughter that needed a date throw in some ramen and he would do it. Naruto sped to the table and sat down, 'excellent...my plan is working! Soon Naruto wont be able to resist my charms! Unlike that obviously gay Sasuke! No straight man can resist me!!!' Karin was mentally declaring the hopes of her victory.
Naruto was falling right into the obvious trap set by the devious Karin, there had to be a reason why Sasuke stayed away from her obviously. Naruto had to think for a moment what was more important loyalty to the marriages, or ramen cooked by a femme fatale...if you don't know the answer you definitely don't know Naruto. It was the ramen.
Sometime later Naruto leaned back in his chair satisfied with all he had devoured, Karin just stared in shock that he had eaten everything that she cooked. She smirked, now was the time for her to spring into action and make Naruto hers. She walked over to him and leaned close to his ear and smirked again and whispered in a husky voice, "I hope you saved room for desert..." she then wrapped her arms around his neck
"Sure! What's for desert!" Naruto was once again proving how his libido came after his appetite, it was slowly coming to his realization that wasn't what she meant. What let him know what she meant was when she took her glasses off and set them on the table a tell tale sign she was going seduction mode. And then his realizations would catalyze when her lips brushed over his suddenly, then he felt the kiss deepen.
Naruto was giving into his baser instincts and wrapped his arms around her, he was unable to resist her any longer. Karin slowly sat on Naruto's lap, she broke away from the kiss for a moment she nuzzled her face into his neck. "Naruto-kun...I have a special surprise for you..." she slyly said as she hopped off his lap and took him by the hand leading him to her bedroom. Naruto wasn't about to fight it, Karin was one of those girls you just couldn't say no to. She was like a beautiful goddess to Naruto.
Naruto pulled the woman into his arms, "You know with that messy black hair of yours, you're the most irresistible woman in the village..." he softly said before kissing her deeply not giving her a chance to respond. He pushed her down onto her bed and crawled onto of her with a sly grin on his face, she blushed and let loose a squeak. "I unleashed a wild animal didn't I?" she asked coyly getting a nod from Naruto, she leaned her head up to kiss him again.
Hours would pass and the two were now laying tangled in one another's limbs, Naruto was breathing heavily as was Karin. "I might be stuck on redecorating duty but that was totally worth it!" Naruto said with a cheerfully glimmer to his eyes. Karin's face was flush she also had a look of satisfaction on her face, she was snuggling close to him feeling quite happily.
"I see you are the man for me Naruto-kun...you have enough stamina for me. I don't know how many times we did it but I think I lost count around the eighth time..." she smirked as she looked at her ravaged room. Yes it was true the two didn't relegate themselves to staying on the bed, they had their fun all over the room...and apartment. "So...when will you ask me to marry you?" she smirked since her plan had come full circle, she got Naruto into bed.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!" Naruto's eye twitched that was definitely a mood killer, thats when Karin put on a pair of glasses and smirked. Naruto's eyes rolled back for a moment. There was nothing more potent than a girl with glasses, girls with glasses had a power over guys. Naruto was no longer in a twitchy mood due to seeing Karin put her glasses on. "You ready for round two?" she huskily said as she nipped at Naruto's neck, he felt that feeling of dread go down his spine again.
"Hoo boy...I can tell this will just be one of those days...and I didn't get to sleep yet! Maybe if I can get some food and coffee..." Naruto whined as he looked at the ceiling. He needed some coffee, and some food if she expected him to do that again. He wondered why she suddenly became so fond of him, it was unsettling maybe her biological clock started ticking.
"Okay! But then you gotta be ready for round two!" she grinned darkly causing Naruto to freeze a bit. He was a dead man, he felt like she was using him like a sex slave, 'maybe she wanted babies or something' Naruto thought to himself it was odd that she was going to such lengths. He if you would pardon the pun came, he saw, and he conquered several times last night.
Yet across the village at the Uzumaki Mansion...
"I am going to kill him!!" Ino twitched with anger since Naruto never came home last night. She was about ready to kill her husband for this, Tayuya was of course in the same boat. She was going to kill him for being gone all night, when she specifically told him not to be out all night with bimbos. If Naruto knew what was good for him he wouldn't come home today, but this was Naruto we were talking about he always went into the heart of danger.
Author's Notes: Okay there's chapter 8...if you guys behave yourselves I may give you a lemon next chapter. I know you want more lemons but c'mon I don't like to write them they demean what I'm trying to write. Lemons don't make a fic good people it just makes it a little bit trashier, if you don't remember this is a humor fic. I might write a few more lemons in the fic but it all depends on you. If you keep harassing me to write more lemons I wont put them in. I might even stop writing this fic so keep that in mind.
If you got a problem with it write your own fic, I don't like writing lemons so for the last time stop asking for them. If you haven't gathered by reading the fic I updated more than this I'm not into writing this fic, it doesn't offer creativity. I'm not a person who likes to be ordered around and you people with your damn lemon obsession is starting to wear thin on my nerves. So please try and stop telling me what I should write, it really irritates me when you do that.