Cucumbers and Craft String

Summary:- Iruka may be the only man for the job...slight kakairu Rating T

Disclaimer:- Naruto is not mine. Never will be. Bah.

Author's Note:-This is actually how we are taught sex education in England. It all happens when you're 12 and it really does involve cucumbers or other vegetable representations of phalluses. Strangely enough most English students still don't know how to use a condom...Also craft string can be used for bondage purposes at a push.


"So why me then?"

"Would you rather it was Ibiki? Or Gai?"

"Well, no, not really. But surely there is someone else?"

"The only other person free at the minute is Kakashi."

"NO! No, I'll do it!"

The Fifth leaned back in her chair and regarded the chuunin in front of her.

"Excellent Iruka, you're doing me a real favour with this. I can't afford to have my medi-nins spending half their time dealing with our current little 'problem'. I know they're all a bit young to be thinking about such things, but best be prepared. We'll have a responsible new generation of ninjas in no time!" She smiled at him, almost sincerely.


Iruka sat at his desk in the academy classroom, eyeing the box of cucumbers with dread. Why did I ever agree to this? I should have let Kakashi-sensei do it. Even if they would have all been mentally scarred.

He put his head in his hands and sighed.

"Good afternoon, Iruka-sensei!" Iruka turned to see Kakashi standing in the doorway. Can this day get any worse?

Iruka scowled. "What do you want?"

Kakashi shrugged and walked over to the desk, sitting on the edge. "I heard you got the job. Good luck. Oooh, cucumbers!"

Kakashi snatched a cucumber from the box. Iruka tried to grab it...

"Get off my cucumber!"

...but Kakashi was gone. With the cucumber. Iruka looked up at the ceiling and cursed every god he could name from every religion he could think of. Using very colourful and un-Iruka like language.


The students sat at the desks gossiping in hushed tones over what this could be about.

"Maybe the old lady has realised I would be a much better Hokage and is retiring and they're going to announce it!" Naruto looked like he was about to burst at this prospect.

"Dobe, then why would we all be sitting in a classroom? You're such a loser." Sasuke managed to change Naruto's mood from overly excited to pissed off in less than three seconds. He would have to check with Sakura later to see if this was a new record.

"Right everyone calm down and let's have some quiet." Everyone immediately shut-up and looked at Iruka expectantly. "You're probably all wondering why you're here. Well, the Hokage has decided that you should all have..." Iruka closed his eyes and took a deep breath "...sex education." He opened his eyes to a room full of visibly shocked genins. There was a few seconds of silence before the room erupted into chaos. Iruka could feel a headache coming on. Ah well, the sooner I start the sooner this nightmare ends. "SILENCE! Now settle down, unless you want to spend the next five years on D-rank missions!" That got them.

"This is so embarrassing. It's like getting 'the talk' from your dad, but in public!" Naruto sat shaking his head. In a moment of clarity he tried to slide under the desk before Sasuke grabbed him by the arm and hauled him back up.

"Oh no you don't. If I have to sit through this you do too!"

Meanwhile Iruka was passing out a cucumber and a small square packet to every student. "Now two of you are going to have to share a cucumber because one of them has gone missing."

"I'll share with Sasuke!" Sakura and Ino jumped up waving their hands, before glaring at each other.

"NO!" Sasuke could tell that would be a bad idea.

In the end the task of sharing fell to Rock Lee and Neji. "We shall approach this with youthful exuberance Neji!" Neji stared blankly at Lee then proceeded to bang his head repeatedly on the desk. The Gai clone was being completely serious.


Iruka had put up posters of the human reproductive systems and was now in the middle of a very scientific lecture.

Kiba and Akamaru were also in the middle of something – namely sniggering while keeping a running tally of how many times Iruka blushed while saying the word 'penis', 'testes', or 'vagina'.

"Ok everyone, open the square packets and remove the condom inside," Iruka demonstrated, getting his condom. "Now just follow my demonstration...," Iruka pinched the sealed end of his condom before rolling it onto his cucumber in a manner that may have been slightly more suggestive than was entirely necessary. He caressed the 'protected cucumber' briefly, then remembered himself. There was a loud moan. Everyone looked around, but couldn't tell where it had come from. Iruka turned his head sharply, knowing exactly where the sound had come from. He caught a glimpse of unruly silver hair before it disappeared above the window frame.

"Ok. Does anyone have any questions?" Iruka said. "Anyone? Do you maybe know any words to do with... this subject... maybe you aren't sure what they mean?

Naruto raised his hand uncertainly. "Yes Naruto?"

"What's a blowjob?" Iruka blushed yet again, as did half the class. Except Kiba, who just laughed outright and pointed at Naruto. Sasuke smirked, "Dobe."

"Where did you hear that kind of language?" the embarrassed blush was replaced with an angry redness.

"Kakashi-sensei said he was late one day because he was fantasising about it but he wouldn't say what it was!"

Iruka's eyes narrowed as he gripped his desk till his knuckles went white, "Did he now? Well, it is a slang word for the act of a...someone...pleasuring a man's genitalia with his, er, or her mouth." He tried desperately not to think about this. After all, he hadn't had sex for a really long time, that is five years, eight months and twenty-two days. Not that it was interfering in his everyday life. Certainly not. Not at all. No siree.

"Eeew! Why would anyone want to do that?! I never want anyone to put my penis in their mouth," he stuck his tongue out in disgust. At this point Hinata just fainted. Iruka sighed and rubbed his scar. He noticed a spike of familiar chakra right outside the window. If he didn't know better he would have thought it was laughing at him.

"Right that does it!" He strode over to the window as a man with a mission and rolled up his sleeves. In one swift movement he had opened the window and hauled inside the Legendary Copy-Ninja™, who had been too busy laughing to notice the imminent danger. He carried on laughing as he was unceremoniously dumped into the supply cupboard and Iruka locked the door.

Iruka checked the clock hopefully. Only a few more minutes. Oh thank the Gods. "Does anyone know any other words?"

Ino raised her hand. "Bondage?"

Shikamaru fell off his chair and hunted frantically in his pockets for a tissue to stem his nosebleed. "Women are so troublesome." He mumbled behind the tissue.

Iruka tried to think of an appropriate way to explain this, without thinking about it. "Erm..."

The bell rang. "Class dismissed!" The students filed out of the room, uncharacteristically quiet for once.

When the last student had left the room, Iruka sat back down at his desk and lay back in his chair, eyes closed.

A familiar displacement of air occurred behind him, as someone teleported into the space. A strong arm wrapped round him from behind, while another arm dangled a roll of craft string in front of his face. "So, bondage, eh?" Kakashi murmured, breath warm on Iruka's neck.

Iruka jumped up and ran from the room, pinching his nose to stem the flow of blood.