WICKED ACT I
Monkeys: Ooo ooo, AAA AAA AAA AAA! Turn Gears!
Townspeople: Let's have a celebration throughout Oz! Undisclosed Foreshadowing
Glinda: I wow you all with my ultra high opera soprano!
Random Person: I question the reason why we're having this huge party.
Glinda: Well, here; how about I delve into the very private secrets of the Witch's family?
Townspeople: That would do nicely, thanks.
Mother: I have affairs with traveling salespeople!...
Father: Gee, I wonder what MY baby will look like.
Mother: …And give birth to people with strange dermal plot points, apparently.
Father: I SHUN green babies!
Baby Elphaba: Well, I shun you, too.
Glinda: Let's fast fo'ward to a few years la-ter…
Elphaba: Somehow I morphed into a college student!
Galinda: Yes, my name is different. Now shut up and push my luggage.
Elphaba: Time for incredible sarcasm!
Father: Elphaba, everything you do is wrong. Nessarose, everything you do is right.
Elphaba: So much for 'equally loving father.'
Nessa: Poor big sis, I pity you.
Elphaba: What do you mean my sister rooms with a freaky old lady?! MAGIC
Nessa: That is, until you start casting inexplicably strange spells.
Madame Morrible: I love people with magic spell powers, no matter what color their skin is! I now reject all other students!
Galinda: Wait a clock-tick; I didn't get what I want. SINGS Something baaad, is happening in Oz…
Elphaba: Wow, since I have all of this potential, there's probably going to be a celebration throughout Oz in my honor! More undisclosed foreshadowing
Elphaba and Galinda: Figures my roommate hates every particle of my existence.
Students: We love you, Galinda!
Galinda: I love you too, now go shun my roommate.
Elphaba: Just when you think life couldn't get any worse, Galinda calls me an artichoke.
Dr. Dillamond: Elphaba, somehow the Wizard is unaware of animals losing the ability to speak!
Elphaba: Well, I better go tell him if I'm going to be his magic grand vizier, or whatever.
Boq: I love you, Galinda!
Galinda: Ooo, Biq! Look! It's a hot prince attending Shiz!
Boq: My name is Boq!
Galinda: Whatev, I gotta go flirt with the hot prince-y dude. HAIR TOSS
Fiyero: I'm stupid and proud of it, but I know a flirt when I see one. IMITATE HAIR TOSS
Galinda: I'm jealous. You do it better than I do.
Boq: I'm being ignored over here…
Galinda: On purpose…
Fiyero: To celebrate the arrival of my hotness, let's have a party!
Boq: I'm going to wait in the corner for you to dance with me like a stalker!
Galinda: How about you go stalk the cripple? It'll make me happy…HINT, HINT
Boq: Hey, great idea. Nessa! Will you go out with me!
Nessa: Heck yes!
Galinda: That was easy®.
Fiyero: You're kind of pretty. Like me. Let's date.
Galinda: Once again, I get what I want.
Nessa: I love Boq!
Elphaba: You're sure that's a good move?
Nessa: What could go wrong? Galinda paired us up.
Nessa: Aw, c'mon, Elphaba. Galinda's nice. I just wish I could repay her. HINT, HINT
Galinda: Since I'm so charitable, I give you this unfashionable hat! (As a joke, but you don't know that. Ha ha!)
Elphaba: Well, if Galinda owned it, it must be the most recent fad. GUILT RISING
Fiyero: I make 'Wizard of Oz' references talking about punch!
Galinda: Why are you interrupting my hottie's party?
Madame Morrible: Elphaba blackmailed me to let you into my magic classes.
Galinda: Wow, and all because of an ugly hat. OH CRAP, ELPHABA! GUILT
Elphaba: Why is everybody looking at me?
Students: We hate your hat, artichoke.
Elphaba: Well, screw you. I'm dancing with me. THANKS A LOT, GALINDA! Evils
Galinda: I feel bad for you, so I'm going to increase your negative popularity score by 10,000 points by dancing with you.
Fiyero: Ya know, Elphaba would be hot if she wasn't green.
Elphaba: If you don't count attending funerals, that was my first party.
Galinda: I'm going to change who you are to make you popular!
Elphaba: What was all that crap about a ball gown?
Galinda: I'm also bad at magic, but who cares 'cause I'm pretty.
Elphaba: Maybe if I tried-
Galinda: NO! My precccioussss wandsesss….
Prettyful Elphaba: I'm so pretty it's disturbing me. Run away time!
Galinda: Too bad, you're gonna stay pretty because I want you to. Neener neener!
Prettyful Elphaba: What are you looking at?
Fiyero's subconscious thoughts: HOLY CRAP, HOT GIRL! DROOLZ
Fiyero: Oh, nothing. Why'd you let Galinda pretty-fy you? You… were already… pretty…well, in your own sort of green-ish way…like grass is pretty… screw up
Dr. Dillamond: Class, you have a permanent substitute because they don't let me teach anymore.
Prettyful Elphaba: Objection, Madame Morrible!
Madame Morrible: Over-ruled. And remember, it isn't a democracy, this is a theocratic autocracy. Now let me introduce your new teacher.
Freaky Dude: Animals don't feel pain when they're kept in cages.
Prettyful Elphaba: OBJECTIOOOOOOOON!!! MORE FREAKY SPELL CASTING
Fiyero: Why am I the only one not thrashing about the stage in sheer agony?
Prettyful Elphaba: This can't be good.
Fiyero: Knight in shining armor, I save the lion cub!
Prettyful Elphaba: My stupid, heroic hero! I lov-
Fiyero: Ummm….MUST SAVE CUB! runs away
Prettyful Elphaba: I guess being pretty wasn't enough for him…Mournful singing I'm not that girl….
Madame Morrible: There you are! I'm sending you to the Emerald City before you graduate, because the Wizard needs your power- I…mean, um…Oh heck, just go.
Prettyful Elphaba: Yay, I'll help Dr. Dillamond sooner than I expected.
Madame Morrible: WEATHER SPELL-CASTY
Prettyful Elphaba: And it's not raining! This has to be good foreshadowing…right?
Galinda: Last minute advice to stay popular in the city. I know that's going to be so hard.
Prettyful Elphaba: Galinda, stop worrying.
Galinda: Well, I'm worrying about Fiyero, too. He's started thinking since that day with the cub.
Prettyful Elphaba: Well, he wouldn't stop to say goodbye to me…oh look, here he is.
Fiyero: Hi, I've come to say goodbye to you. I've started thinking…about that day…at the place…with you. Yeah.
Prettyful Elphaba: If you have something to say, Fiyero, spit it out.
Fiyero: Well, I want to say I like you, but my girlfriend's here.
Galinda: Fiyero, in a desperate attempt to impress you, I change my name. In honor of Dr. Dillamond, I am now…GLINDA!!! SHINYNESS
Fiyero: Oh…okay then. Bye…GLINDA. Bye, Elphaba… EXITS
Glinda: Well, shoot. That didn't work, and I have a new name now. Sads
Prettyful Elphaba: Well, come to the Emerald City with me. I owe you one anyway.
Ozians: We have the bestest city in Oz!
Glinda and Elphaba: We know! We love it!
Elphaba: And I decided not to be Prettyful anymore. No clue what that's about.
Glinda: Would you stop marveling at normality and just hurry up?!
Elphaba: I'm just so excited to be in a place greener than I am.
Guard: The wizard is ready for you!
Glinda and Elphaba: Ya- oh shoot freaky talking head. cower
THE WIZARD: BOO!!!
Glinda and Elphaba: Eek!
Elphaba: I am Elphaba!
The Wizard: It's you? Okay, that means I can come out now.
Glinda: You mean you actually look like a normal person?
The Wizard: Um…yeah.
Elphaba: Somehow my hopes and dreams are beginning to shatter…
The Wizard: Hey Elphie, read this! It's harmless!
Elphaba: OK! CONTROLLED FREAKY SPELLCASTING
Elphaba: This can't be good.
The Wizard: But it's getting better! Lever'd
Caged Monkeys: WINGIFIED
Elphaba: Don't you mean WORSE!?!?
Madame Morrible: Congrats, you made spies!
The Wizard: And I'm behind all of this Animal abuse!
The Wizard: And I have no real power!!!
Elphaba: CRAAAP!!! RUN AWAY
Glinda: Elphie, Come back! They'll give us candy!
Madame Morrible: Oh no! Our power source is running away with our press face!
The Wizard: You go scare the general public; I'll send my guards after them!
THE WIZARD: GO FIND THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE AN AVACADO!!!
Elphaba: Well, it's a welcome change from the usual 'artichoke'.
Guards: twirl inefficiently to go different directions
THE WIZARD: AND NO INNEFFICIENT TWIRLING!
Elphaba: We are in the highest room of the tallest tower with no escape!
Glinda: I blame you for ruining EVERYTHING!
Elphaba: I blame you for lack of MORALS!
Elphaba and Glinda: Grrrr…
Elphaba: I'm so smart I say 'defying gravity' when I mean 'flying'! It makes for a better song anyway. I mean, "I think I'll try flying". That sounds weird!
Glinda: Elphaba…You're rambling again.
Guards: We were somehow right behind you!
Elphaba: Barricade the door with this conveniently placed broom!
Glinda: We're screwed, aren't we?
Elphaba: Well, I only know one spell, and that didn't go very well last time. Try it again!
Glinda: I assume a LEVITATION spell means you get wings. So it didn't work!
Elphaba: I thought that too. I wanted wings…
Glinda: OMG A FLYING BROOMSTICK WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!?!
Elphaba: It's not wings, but I'll take it!
Glinda: Selfless sacrificing 101, here I go!
Guards: Wait, this one isn't green. We need someone to show the Wizard, so we'll take her in anyway.
Elphaba: I got an A+ in Selfless sacrificing 101! GLIDNA'S INNOCENT!!! FLIGHT
Glinda: I'd be absolutely terrified if I didn't know it was you.
Elphaba: If you don't think this song is stuffed full of foreshadowing, I'll whack you with my new favorite housecleaning tool and mode of transportation.
END WICKED ACT I
WICKED ACT II
Townspeople: The Wicked Witch of the West has made our lives horrible!
Glinda: I guarantee she won't bother you today if you party with me!
Madame Morrible: Let this be a lesson to the intelligent people in the audience you need to lie, cheat, and lie to succeed at anything.
Fiyero: Waitaminute, I'm getting married?!
Glinda: Somehow I forgot to tell you. So do you accept- good! You do!
Madame Morrible: So, remember. When I say 'Do you hate the Witch?', you say 'Yes, with all of my might.' Got it?
Fiyero: Morality conflicts
Madame Morrible: Do you hate the Witch?
Fiyero: Well, not really-
Madame Morrible: WRONG ANSWER!!! snarlys
Glinda: Fiyero, why not save yourself a bunch of pain and say what Madame Morrible wants?
Fiyero: Because I'm too busy marveling at how you think my obsession with Elphaba is because we were friends.
Glinda: Marry me!
Fiyero: I kind of have to, so okay. sad longings
Nessa: This wasn't supposed to turn out like a master/servant relationship…
Boq: Then why don't you let me go?
Nessa: Because I like you. And you have a cool metallic jacket.
Boq: I call you madam because it gets on your nerves.
Nessa: Sigh Everybody hates me and I don't know why.
Elphaba: pops out of wardrobe
Nessa: EEK! Elphaba! You were only allowed to do that on Halloween! When I was six!
Elphaba: I need father's help.
Nessa: Daddy's dead because he hates you.
Elphaba: I need some other authority figures help, then. Nessa! Help me, pwease?
Nessa: No, because I have a very good vocabulary. So I won't help my only sister and lifelong caretaker.
Elphaba: I'm just trying to help others too!
Nessa: If you make me walk then I might be helpful.
Elphaba: SPELLCASTY ON SHOES
Nessa: Owowowowowowow! Hot shoes! TAKES TWO STEPS AND CRASHES
Elphaba: Hey, cool. Something turned out right!
Nessa: Now that I'm suddenly an expert at walking, I call Boq! Turns chair and hides
Elphaba: No! Not a witness!
Boq: OH NO! NESSA TURNED INTO HER SISTER!
Elphaba: Idiot, it's me.
Boq: Well, that's not much of a fall. You're sister's a jerk now.
Nessa: I heard that, but I'll ignore it because I can walk. Oh Bo-oq!
Boq: Yay! You can do things yourself! That means I leave, and-
Nessa: Oh no you don't! I STEAL YOUR HEART!!! Bad spell casting
Elphaba: Nessa, you can't do anything by yourself! I leave you for two seconds and you go and seal the fate of the guy you like!
Nessa: I blame you anyway, because Daddy said everything I do is right.
Elphaba: DO YOU WANT ME TO SAVE HIM OR NOT, BECAUSE I'D LET HIM DIE IF YOU WANT ME TO!
Nessa: Fine, save him. Dancing through Life pseudo-reprise
Elphaba: Well, he's alive. I hope you weren't expecting much else.
Nessa: Damn my lack of general magic knowledge!
Boq: I feel stiff, and my joints need oiling. TIN MAN'D!
Nessa: NOT MY FAULT!!!
Boq: What's not your faul- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! RUN AWAY
Elphaba: I'm here to gatecrash the wizard, not Glinda's party.
The Wizard: I can make you magnificent!
Elphaba: That doesn't sound right…
The Wizard: What?
Elphaba: Magnificent. It doesn't have that ring to it.
The Wizard: Oh, okay….um….how about 'renowned'?
The Wizard: 'Splendid?'
Elphaba: Not yet…
The Wizard: 'Grand'?
The Wizard: I'm running out of words in my Microsoft Word thesaurus. There's one other good one left…'Wonderful'?
Elphaba: That's the one! I'll give up my resistance if you make me wonderful!
The Wizard: Wonderful!
Elphaba: Can you set the flying monkeys free, too? Otherwise I won't follow you!
The Wizard: Fine…
Flying Monkeys: FLY ABOUT CONFUSEDLY
Elphaba: FLY, MY PRETTIES! FLY, FLY, FLY!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
The Wizard: I'm not sure I want to be associated with her anyway…
Elphaba: Hey! You under the blanket! You're not flying!
The Wizard: No!
Dr. Dillamond: Dumb Goat
Elphaba: Forget 'wonderful'! You hurt my friends!
THE WIZARD: GUARDS! THE AVACADO IS BACK!
Fiyero: OMG ELPH…I mean, go get water so I can fight the Witch!
Elphaba: Not you too, Fiyero. I mean, you're stupid, but this is too far!
Fiyero: change sides
The Wizard: Eep! Powerless without my floating head!
Glinda: Yay! Elphie's safe. C'mon, Fiyero, let's go get married. Elphie, know that you would be my bridesmaid if you weren't a fugitive.
Fiyero: I'm kind of having second thoughts about that marriage think. And I like Elphaba better.
Fiyero: C'mon, Elphaba. Let's run through the woods together.
Elphaba: Okay! Some dreams come true
Glinda: Most dreams shatter
The Wizard: Have another drink, my dark-eyed beauty!
Glinda: JUST SAY NO!
Madame Morrible: Yay, The witch is in prison!
The Wizard: Weren't you paying attention last scene?
Glinda: Tell everybody Nessa's hurt and Elphie will come and be sisterish.
Madame Morrible: It would be a lot easier if we killed her.
The Wizard: Do your worst, Madame.
Madame Morrible: STORMING LITERALLY
Glinda: It was too perfect to be true…
Elphaba: This is too perfect to be true…
Fiyero: Well, everybody knows what happened tonight, it's just hard to show it on a stage while maintaining some of the actors' dignity.
Elphaba: I wish I was pretty…
Fiyero: Inner beauty spiel
Elphaba: Yeah, yeah, we've heard it before- WAIT! There's a flying house only I can see!
Fiyero: You're weird, but I like you anyway. So go help Nessa, and I'll let you live in the other castle, conveniently placed in the West.
Glinda: It's amazing how much this line changes from actress to actress.
Elphaba: You dishonor my sister by mourning her death.
Glinda: Well, excuse me for trying to be solemn.
Glinda: UNHELPFUL TERMINOLOGY
Elphaba: I feel this shaky friendship has ended!
Glinda: Damn right! Slap!
Elphaba: Ahahahaha, you're so funny.
Glinda: You think so?
Elphaba: NO! Slap!
Glinda: I'm going to win because my wand is twirlier!
Elphaba: Forget wands, I pull your hair!
Glinda: I take your hat!
Guards: Okay, break it up, break it up.
Elphaba: No fair, playing off of my eldest sibling instincts!
Glinda: I didn't mean to!
Fiyero: This is the most awesome line, which should never be parodied. LET THE GREEN GIRL GO!
Glinda: Fiyero! You came back!
Fiyero: For Elphaba! And I'd threaten you if I have to, which I do.
Glinda: Well, drat.
Fiyero: Run, Elphaba!
Elphaba: Not without you!
Fiyero: I can't, I have to stay here and intimidate the guards.
Elphaba: I can think of six strategies that would let you come with me in about two seconds, but there's no time. FLY
Fiyero: I said 'run'…
Glinda: Don't harm him! Wait, he likes Elphie. Go ahead, forget I said anything.
Guards: Well, we have spears and backlighting. Let's allude to the Scarecrow as much as possible.
Elphaba: EEEEEROOO!!! Is that not the coolest scene-change voice effect? Now skedaddle, monkeys, I have to spell cast. Let's see, funny words, motions, and now for me to assume that Fiyero is dead.
Audience: Well, this makes for a depressingly moving musical.
Townspeople: MOBS ARE SO MUCH FUN!!!
'Tin Man': Now, some foreshadowing to the fact I still think of the Witch as my old classmate. Elph- Umm…THE WITCH!!!!!!!!! And the poor little Lion hates her too.
Townspeople: Most of us are probably drunk with the amount that this is riling us up.
Madame Morrible: Let this be a lesson to you that only mindlessly obedient alumni go down in Oz history.
Glinda: I kind of wish I did go with Elphaba during 'Defying Gravity'.
Madame Morrible: I hope you mobsters DO kill the witch! Good luck!
Glinda: I gotta go be a best friend again!
Elphaba: Well, isn't it just cheap that we never actually SHOW Dorothy, but that would be another person with their own bow.
Glinda: Only hot or important people deserve my name-memory space, so the dog is now named Dodo.
Elphaba: I don't need friends anymore! I have mute monkeys to talk to and give me fashion advice!
Glinda: Elphie, your life is pathetic.
Elphaba: I know sniff. That just reminds me, I should ahem COMMIT SUICIDE.
Glinda: No! Don't die! I'll tell everyone the truth!
Elphaba: YOU'RE the brainless one! Will you shut up whe- I mean, if I die if I give you my spell book?
Glinda: I think that this calls for best-friend singing.
Elphaba: More songs stuffed with foreshadowing and morality lessons, sung by Glinda and yours truly.
Chisterie: monkey talk, somehow getting Glinda to go away
Elphaba: Time to be WITCHY!!!
Elphaba: I'M MEEELLLTIIING!!! (Please be smarter than most of Oz, Glinda) MEEEEEELTING!!!!
Glinda: OH NO!!! ELPHIE MELTED!!!
Elphaba: God, Glinda, don't be a ditz.
Madame Morrible: You honestly didn't have to go through all of that with those morons.
The Wizard: Yeah, but if they weren't happy they'd blab.
Glinda: Let's play pin the guilt on the Wizard, especially since we're right!
The Wizard: OH NO! NOT ONE OF THOSE SHOWS THAT COMES FULL CIRCLE!
Madame Morrible: I make random guesses that probably are right, but I don't know.
Glinda: Wizard, Madame, go away. My last tribute to Elphaba is to get rid of you two.
Townspeople: Let's have a celebration throughout Oz! Disclosed Foreshadowing
Glinda: Wait! I haven't had enough time to mourn my best buddy!
Monkeys: Just get in the bubble.
Scarecrow: HEEEEY!!! Remember me? Elphaba, get out of there.
Elphaba: OMG FIYERO YOU'RE ALIVE!!!
Scarecrow: You saved my life.
Elphaba: Well, no duh. That's why you're here. huggles!!!
Townspeople: Let's be haunting and mournful-ish.
Glinda: I'm so sad…solemn speech time!
Elphaba: Pleeeeease can I tell Glinda we're not dead yet?
Scarecrow: No. I'm wiser now, so we have to go.
Elphaba and Glinda: Because I knew you…
Townspeople: We are determined to interrupt your sorrowful singing!
Glinda: Well, operatic soprano trumps bullish belting!
Townspeople: Not this time!
Fiyero: Elphaba….let's go-o…
Townspeople: This concludes our sorrowfully hopeful musical. Go away now.
END WICKED ACT II