Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah you guys…honestly, I've written enough of these by now that you should have it figured out.
Spoilers: There are bound to be a few for season 7 in there, since I'm from the states. It's like a surprise party for yourself that you found out about. You don't want to ruin it for everyone else, so you still act surprised. Same applies here…if I've ruined something for you, just act surprised when you see it on tv, okay.
A/N: Mega huge shout out of birthday wishes go to my dad on the 3rd. He came up with the title and general idea (both of which I though were brilliant) and just kinda let me run with it. Hope you like it Dad. Happy birthday!
Eck·lie- noun- 1) person characterized by unusually shiny foreheads and high levels of 'pompus ass'
2) generally found in undeserved positions of higher power
pho·bi·a-noun- a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.
Eck·li·pho·bia-noun- irrational fear of, and desire to avoid, unusually shiny, powerful pompus asses
Everyone knew that, with Grissom gone, Ecklie's asshole rating would immediately skyrocket.
Always eager and ready to jump at the chance of screwing over a member of the night shift, and being foiled in his attempts by Grissom, Ecklie was sure to use his absence to make everyone miserable.
The only thing that the nightshift crew didn't know was the order of Eckle's hit list. Just who would be the first to go down?
Would it be everyone's favorite ex-lab rat, Greg?
Greg had stolen a pair of Ecklie's Star Trek boxers from his locker, and then ever-so-proudly displayed them on the flag pole in front of the lab for all to see. Greg was warned that the lovely ass chewing he received wouldn't be the last he heard of the incident.
Could it possibly be everybody's favorite shaved head hottie, Nick?
Everyone around the lab remembered Nick's little shining moment of brilliance when he decided that his Denali could, in fact, fit in the last available parking space located right between the building and Ecklie's brand spankin' new BMW. Oh, that was one helluva dent. Ecklie didn't even appreciate the level of craftsmanship it took to get a side mirror back onto a car using nothing but gum and tape lifts.
Catherine could always be first though. Everyone almost shit themselves over the bit of conversation the day Ecklie joined them in the breakroom.
"Catherine, Days has a case involving a stripper. I told them you'd take it, for obvious reasons."
Everyone's eyes went to Catherine, this should be interesting. It's never wise to bring up the whole 'ex-stripper' issue with, well, an ex- stripper.
"Stripper is dead, all the suspects are strippers, you were a stripper. I just figured you knew the talk so you could go instead."
"'The talk'? Its not that hard to talk like a stripper you know."
"Yes, but I've seen you in action so I know you can handle yourself." He smirked.
"Yes, you did once see me in action, Ecklie. And, as I recall, I still refused to give you a lap dance even after you raised the offer to a thousand bucks." She smiled as jaws hit the floor and Ecklie's entire shiny head went red.
"I…you…uncalled for Willows!" Eckile yelled as he stomped off.
"Cath you're in for it you know."
"I don't care, he can't do that crap. You know, he had that same look on his face the night I turned him down."
Everyone left the room laughing. It was easy for Catherine to say that she didn't care about Eckile then, she had Grissom around to look out for her.
Though popular with everyone else around the lab, Archie and Bobby weren't exactly at the top of Eckile's popularity list.
Bobby was bored one day, and had no cases, so he went to see what Archie was up to. Archie was going over hours and hours of tape from the Tangiers and welcomed the help. Two hours into the job, and the men spotted something that they could surely have fun with. Fifteen minutes later, the lab's outgoing mail contained a pakage to one Mrs. Conrad Eckile. In that pakage was a tape of Mr. Ecklie at the Tangiers with a woman that was definitely not his wife.
Eckile could always go after Brass. He might not work in the lab, but he's done his share to piss off Ecklie.
Okay, so you've got Ecklie, who has just been kicked out of his house by his wife because some asshole sent her a tape of him and some hooker at the Tangiers, driving fast down the road in a car over stuffed with boxes of his belongings. You've also got Brass who has had, quite possibly, the slowest day in the entire history of Las Vegas. If he so much as sees you jaywalking, he's going to do something about it because the is just that damn bored. Next thing Brass sees is some pissed guy barreling down The Strip in a car so full of crap that his view is obstructed.
'Eh, why not?' is all he thinks before he pulls out behind him and flips on the lights.
Brass had to sound the siren a couple of times, since Ecklie couldn't see, but eventually he pulled over. When Brass got to his window and saw who he had, he was happier that a narcoleptic in a mattress store. The thought of not giving Ecklie tickets never crossed his mind.
What about Warrick though?
Warrick hadn't exactly tried keeping the 'Countdown to Total Baldness' bet a big secret, or the joke he had started around the lab about just how many Eklies it takes to screw in a lightbulb. (They can't by the way. Too much head wax residue on the hands to get a good enough grip on it.)
Ah yes, there was always Sara to screw over first. Like that really needed explaining.
One day Eckile came to her with a question about Greg, since she was relatively close to his age and he had seen them together occasionally, he figured she might know the answer.
"Uh, yeah, Ecklie?"
"Sanders…he called me a 'tool'." She bit back a laugh "What's that mean?"
"Um, well Ecklie, basically Greg said you were a really cool guy."
"Oh, okay." He left with a decently smug grin on his face.
Ecklie later found out just what being called a tool meant when he proudly paid the compliment to the new DA.
And of course let's not forget the absolute best incident in the whole lab ever. Ecklie still can't go one day with out hearing snickering behind his back and whispered comments about his being a 'kiss ass'. Whenever Sara's turn came around, whether it be first or third or last, it was suspected to be harsh.
Point of all this being that everyone around the lab, including Brass, was in trouble with their fearless leader gone. Even people that hadn't done anything major were scared of the guy. Hell, Judy was scared to death the day she accidentally put a stamp on Ecklie's envelope upside down. It took an hour to get her to stop crying. Ecklie knew people- powerful people.
Of course he wasn't about to have any of them whacked, but there are ways of doing things to people to make them wish they had been.
I know it was short, but you will all get over it soon enough. You know how I respond to your heckling.
Reviews, reviews, reviews and then we shall talk about continuing this…