AN: Here's my required newb disclaimer where I admit that I've only been reading and watching Naruto for four months and this is my first Naruto fic. And so, any criticism on characterization or sticking to canon and such will be appreciated. In fact, any concrit in general would be nice. This is my first serious attempt at humor. (Wow, that's an oxymoron…)
Inspired by Deidara's un-hmm-yeah and the horrible dubbing in Naruto: Ultimate Ninja. (Because I don't watch the dub so my first experience with the English voices was through the game. My poor, bleeding ears.)
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Kishimoto, except for "Believe it!!" which belongs to some misguided English translator. The silliness is all mine.
Sasori was in a pickle.
Not in a literal sense, of course. That would be just silly. And squishy. In fact, Sasori didn't even like pickles. He found them utterly disgusting. He much preferred cucumbers. So.
Sasori was in a cucumber.
Deidara had been moping about something all morning, and Sasori had no idea what. He absolutely refused to speak, too. Sasori hadn't heard him make a single sound all day. Quite unusual, and rather frightening. Quiet Deidara meant something was about to explode. Deidara in a bad mood meant something was about to explode. The two conditions had never been combined, and Sasori wondered if quiet Deidara in a bad mood was a sign of the apocalypse. He'd have to ask Hidan later.
So, Sasori figured he had to do something, but he had no idea what. Outright asking Deidara what was wrong was out of the question; he didn't want to be on the receiving end of a kamikaze clay pigeon if Deidara didn't feel like answering.
He decided the best thing to do was go about talking to Deidara in a very sensitive, unobtrusive manner.
"You know," Sasori said, "the Silent Anguish look doesn't fit you. It's so passé."
Deidara looked at Sasori as if he'd suddenly confessed that Pinocchio was his illegitimate son.
"Really. Someone with your complexion is more suited for the Wild Outburst style," Sasori said. "Come on, performance arts is your field. You should realize that."
Scowling, Deidara shook his head. He kept his mouth firmly clamped shut.
Sasori sighed. "Deidara, say something. You've been in a mood all morning." He suddenly looked at Deidara suspiciously. "Hey, you're not a girl after all, are you? I mean, with the way you've been acting…"
Deidara looked absolutely furious. He opened his mouth to yell something, but clamped one hand over his mouth. All that escaped was an angry "Mmmphf!"
However, Deidara's other hand was free, and before Deidara could control himself the mouth on his palm screeched, "Shut UP, you betcha!!"
"Sorry! I just…" Sasori blinked. "I bet my what?"
Deidara growled, clenching his free hand into a tight fist. The disobedient mouth squeaked pitifully. Dropping his other hand, Deidara spoke with his normal mouth. "It's nothing, you betcha."
"Oh." Sasori scratched the back of his head as Deidara's face turned red. Something had really embarrassed him, and Sasori had no idea what. Deidara glared at Sasori a moment, arms crossed, then whirled around and stomped the other direction.
Sasori watched Deidara for a moment, utterly confused, and finally said, "What?"
Deidara whirled around with an angry snarl. "It's those STUPID DUBBERS' fault, you betcha!"
"I see," Sasori lied. "How so?"
"They messed up my dialogue, you betcha!" he screamed. "It's just like what they did to that kid with the Kyuubi, you betcha! The dubbers changed all his 'dattebayo's into 'believe it's, and then they changed all my 'un's into THIS, you betcha!"
"Oh, I get it," Sasori said, finally figuring out what was going on. "So that's why you haven't said anything all day?"
"No duh, you betcha," Deidara muttered, fuming.
Sasori sympathetically patted Deidara on the back. "You'll get used to it," he said kindly. "Besides, you got off easy. Some guys got it way worse from the dubbers."
Deidara looked at Sasori, curious. "Which guys, you betcha?"
"This trash is jumping ridiculous!" Hidan seethed. "How the shootin' junk did I get blinking pulled into this blessed load of rubbish?!"
"It's blasted moronic!" Tayuya shouted in agreement. "We sound like frippin'-frappin' Looney Tunes characters! What the cheese is this, anyway?"
"I swear to Jesus, when I—"
Hidan stopped mid-sentence, turned pale, and shortly changed to an odd shade of green. "They—did I just say—those dirty dogs, they took away my blooming religion, too! Oh, Jesus, I'm sor—no, I'm not sorry to YOU, break it! Oh, my higher-power-which-this-heathen-dub-won't-let-me-speak-to, I'm sorry, I'm so loopy sorry! And I swear on my soul that I will skipping hunt down those ding-dong ho-hoes that kissing mutilated your giggling holy name…"
"I'm right barking with you," Tayuya snarled, pounding her right fist into her left hand.
An official-looking man with an ugly Woody Woodpecker tie and a clipboard ran up to Hidan with a distressed look. "Please, try to keep religion out of the show!" he cried pitifully. "And I'm afraid you can't say ho-hoes. It's too close to… well you know. This is a children's show, you know!"
"I can't talk about my hooting religion?!" Hidan roared. He pulled out his scythe and started digging a circle in the dirt with his foot. "Dad blast it, you're going down!"
The rest of the Sound 4 and Hidan's partner were sitting a safe distance away, enjoying the show. "Tayuya's right, she does sound like a Looney Tune," Kidoumaru chuckled. He glanced over at Kakuzu. "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Recording blackmail," he muttered, holding up a video camera. He took four more out of his Akatsuki coat and dumped them in Kidoumaru's lap. "Here. You help and I'll give you five percent of the profits. Hidan'll make me rich if I ever threaten to tell some of his monk friends about the whole Jesus thing."
Jiroubou sighed with relief. "It's just nice to know that Tayuya's finally cleaning up her language."
Tayuya whirled around, pointing an accusatory finger at Jiroubou. "Hey! You can push it up your pocket, you litterhead!"
Jiroubou just smiled serenely as a terrified man in a suit ran by, closely followed by Hidan in his silly Halloween getup. "I think I'll like the English dub," he said.
AN: The wonderful things one comes up with when one should be sleeping. I feel sorry for Hidan. The dubs won't treat him well. On the bright side, all the fake-cusses meant I didn't have to make this fic rated M for language. Woohoo.
Please review, concrit, flame, whatever. Praise makes me squee, criticism makes me better, and flames make me laugh. And let us hope that Deidara's "un" goes unmutilated in the dubs, dattebayo!