NOTE: I do not own the characters to LoZ and to the characters of Shakespeare's "Hamlet." Oh, and it would help if you have read "Hamlet."
The gang from LoZ: Ocarina of Time gather around to re-enact Shakespeare's "Hamlet"....with hilarious results and if you think I'm going to have them re-enact the WHOLE play, you're crazy.
Everyone is gathered around in the middle of Hyrule Field (yes, even Ganondorf...after all, there is a villian in "Hamlet") to participate in the play.
"I want to be Hamlet!" snapped Mido.
"Forget it," said Link. "I'm Hamlet but you get a really cool part."
"Really?" asked Mido. "Do I get to be Claudius?"
"Nope, even better. You get to be.........Laertes!"
"Laertes!" snapped Mido. "But I die at the end!"
"Relax Mido," said Zelda. "Almost EVERYONE dies in this play."
"Now then," said Link. "I'm going to employ the twins from Kokiri forest to be Rosencranz and Guildenstern."
"Yay!" shouted the twins. "We get parts!"
"Yo, Skullkid!" said Link. "You will be my faithful friend, Horatio!"
"You mean I get a part?" asked Skullkid. Link nodded in reply. "Cool!"
"Oh and like, what about me?" asked Ruto.
"Okay," said Link. "You can be......the stage manager."
"I AM NOT GOING TO BE NO STINKIN' STAGE MANAGER!" yelled Ruto.
"Oh, in that case, then I won't pay you back the 500 rupees I owe you."
"Fine, fine, I'll take the stinkin' job."
"Okay, I've got the rest of the cast," said Link, holding his clipbook. "Zelda, you're Ophelia, Ganondorf, you're Claudius, and..."
"But why am I the bad guy?" moaned Ganondorf.
"That's because you ARE a bad guy," said Ruto.
"Anyway, after I was SOOOOO rudely interrupted," said Link. "Talon, you're Polonius, Impa, you're Gertrude, and...."
"I am NOT going to be a wife to some scumbag that tried to take the triforce!"
"Relax, it's a play, sheesh, Impa!"
"Okay, Ingo, you're Osric."
"I'm going to be playing the part of an idiot?" asked Ingo.
"Well, I don't think that makes any difference," said Talon.
"Oh shut up!" snapped Ingo.
"Hey, what about me?" snorted Ganon.
"You get a brief role as my dad," said Link. "But since there are more parts than people, you may have to be playing double-roles."
"I'm playing the part of a ghost?"
"Yes, Ganon. And I'll throw you in as Fortinbras. The rest of the Kokiri guys will be playing Francisco, Bernardo, and Marcellus. And I, Link, will be assuming the role of Hamlet, prince of Denmark!"
"Big deal," said Ruto.
"And Rauru," said Link. "You may have the honors of directing the play and Malon and Saria....you have the honors of being.....um, well, co-directors!"
"Neat," the two of them said in unison.
"You guys and Rauru will be switching off at different intervals, directing the play. Now let's get started!"
THE PLAY BEGINS AT HYRULE CASTLE....
"Okay," said Rauru. "Action!"
Three Kokiris resembling Francisco, Bernardo, and Marcellus enter the stage.
The Kokiri playing Bernardo yells from the guard tower, "Who's there?"
The Kokiri playing Francisco yells back, "Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself."
"Stand and unfold myself!" cried the Kokiri playing Bernardo. "What the heck do you think I am anyway? A letter? An envelope?"
"CUT!" called Rauru. "Okay, I think what Francisco means by 'Stand and unfold yourself' is to reveal yourself or say who you are."
"Now you get the picture. Okay, quiet people and ACTION!"
"Who's there?" called the Bernardo Kokiri.
"Nay, answer me," replied the Francisco Kokiri. "Stand and unfold yourself!"
"Okay....I am going to reveal who I am and my name is BOB!" shouted the Bernardo Kokiri.
"CUT! NO, NO, NO!" yelled Rauru. "That doesn't mean 'reveal who you are, it means reveal your character, you MORON!"
"Okay, okay, sheesh," said Bob. "I'm trying to get the hang of this, okay?"
About 15 takes later, they finally finish the scene.
NEXT SCENE: WHERE HAMLET HAS JUST SEEN HIS FATHER'S GHOST
"It is, Adieu, Adieu! Remember me: I have sworn't," said Link...er....Hamlet.
"My Lord, my Lord," calls Horatio (a.k.a Skullkid).
"Lord Hamlet," calls Marcellus (a.k.a one of the Kokiri guys).
"Heaven secure him!" calls Horatio.
"So be it!" calls Marcellus.
"Ho, ho, ho, my Lord," calls Horatio, suddenly followed by laughs.
"What in the heck is so funny?" asked Link.
"That particular line," said Skullkid. "Ho, ho, ho..."
"I get it, I get it, now shut up and let's continue the play," said Link. "Hillo, ho, ho, boy! Come bird, come!"
Skullkid couldn't hold it in longer and he fell over laughing.
"Would you shut up?!" snapped Link. "I realize you find these lines funny but we need to get on with the play."
About 20 takes later, they got around to finishing the scene.
THAT FAMOUS SCENE IN THE PLAY, HAMLET.
"And action!" calls Malon.
"To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis' nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? To die, to sleep. No more: and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. Tis' a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To ide, to sleep. To sleep! Perchance to dream! Ay, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause."
Link then pauses.
"CUT!" calls Malon. "Now why are you pausing? You're supposed to CONTINUE speaking!"
"But when it says 'when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.'"
"Um, that doesn't mean that YOU stop and pause, Link."
"Sheesh, doesn't anyone understand this Shakespearean mumbo-jumbo?" asked Link.
"He's talking about suicide, you moron!" yelled Malon. "Haven't you READ the play and STUDIED it?"
"No, I just read the script."
"And why do I have to wear tights?!" Link demanded.
"You have been wearing tights while trying to save Hyrule so WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?"
"But they're uncomfortable!"
"I am not whining! I'M NOT, I'M NOT, I'M NOT!" Link jumped up and down angrily. "And this is the first time I've ever had to wear a codpiece with tights, so..."
"Link," said Malon. "Let's not go there, okay?"
The actors backstage are laughing histerically. "Now what is so DARN FUNNY?!" yelled Link.
"Um, nothing," said the actors in unison, trying to disguise their giggles.
THE SCENE WHERE HAMLET COMFRONTS OPHELIA
(NOTE: For those who have never read Hamlet, here's the lowdown: Hamlet is faking insanity (something he's doing to expose his evil uncle Claudius, who married Hamlet's mom, who is Claudius' sister-in-law.....and Claudius bumped off his older brother, who is Hamlet's dad, to get the throne of Denmark). I know it's confusing...lol. But he acts really crazy and drives Ophelia nuts. And Ophelia is Hamlet's love interest, by the way.).
"AND ACTION!" calls Saria.
"Get thee to a nunnery!" yells Hamlet (a.k.a Link). "Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest....Where is your father?" (I'm not writing the entire speech..lol)
"At home, my Lord," Ophelia says (a.k.a Zelda).
"Let the doors be shut upon him!" yelled Hamlet. "That he may play the fool nowhere but in's own house. Farewell!"
"O, help him, you sweet heavens!"
"Hey, what the heck is a nunnery anyway?" asks Link.
"CUT! A nunnery is a convent, Link," said Saria.
"Well, I'd be perfect there," said Zelda. "At least my character would. She's pure."
"Um, let's not get into this further, Zelda," said Saria. "We need to get on with the play!"
"Well, before we do, what does 'play the fool' mean?" asked Link.
"This is going to be a very, very long scene," said Saria to herself.
THE SCENE WHERE HAMLET COMFRONTS HIS MOTHER ABOUT HER HUSBAND
(NOTE: To clarify this up for those who have never read Hamlet, here's the scoop. Originally, Hamlet's dad (King of Denmark) was killed by his brother Claudius. Claudius then marries Gertrude, Hamlet's mom (she has no clue how her husband died) so that he could be King of Denmark. Hamlet finds out how his dad died and everything goes haywire. Hamlet just put on a play to expose his evil uncle. Halfway through the play, his uncle goes mental and leaves RIGHT in the middle of the play. Gertrude gets a little meloncholy, thinking Hamlet was "being mean" to his stepfather/uncle. Now this scene can get a little too....PG-13 rated).
"AND ACTION!" yells Rauru.
"Now, mother, what's the matter?" asks Hamlet (a.k.a Link).
"Hamlet, thou has thy father much offended," says Gertrude (a.k.a Impa).
"Mother, you have my father much offended!"
"Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue!"
"Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue!"
"Why, how now, Hamlet!"
"What's the matter now?" inquires Hamlet.
"Have you forgot me?"
"Heck no, you're my mom!" shouts Link.
"CUT!" yelled Rauru. "Link, I think the proper line is, 'No, by the rood, not so: you are the queen, your husband's brother's wife.'"
"Whatever," said Link. "No, by the rood, not so: you are the queen, your husband's brother's wife. And would it were not so! You are my mother."
"Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak!" cries Gertrude.
"Come, come and sit you down; you shall not budge. You go not till I set you up a glass. Where you may see the inmost part of you."
"What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help, help, ho!"
"Why would I murder you in the first place, you're my mom!"
"CUT!" yelled Rauru. "It's Talon's line, remember? He's playing Polonius and it's his line!"
"Yeah, you moron," said Talon hiding behind some curtains. "I'm supposed to say something and you're supposed to think I'm Claudius and and then you kill me."
"This scene is going to take a while to finish," said Link.
"Yes it will," said Rauru. "So we're going to start right where you goofed up. Take it from the top, Impa!"
Impa sighs heavily and says her line. "What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help, help, ho!"
"What, ho! Help, help, help!" calls Polonius from the curtain (also known as Talon).
"How now! A rat?" cries Hamlet as he draws his sword. "Dead, for a ducat, dead!" He "kills" Polonius.
"Oh, I am slain!" yelled Polonius from the curtains and then he falls. "OW! Darnit! I fell on my butt!"
"You're supposed to fall on that mattress behind you, Talon!" said Link.
"CUT!" yelled Rauru. "Oh for crying out loud..."
"LET'S GET THIS SCENE OVERWITH!" hollered Impa. "This dress is making me itch!"
"Okay, okay," said Rauru. "Let's start off after that last line!"
"Oh, I am slain!" shouts Talon as he falls on the mattress.
"I said AFTER the last line, Talon!" Rauru snapped.
"O me," cries Impa as Gertrude. "What hast thou done?"
"Is it the king?" asks Hamlet.
"O, what a rash and bloody deed this is!" cries Gertrude.
"A bloody deed! Almost as bad as kill a king and marry with his brother!" replies Hamlet.
"Now that is just sick!" yells Impa.
"CUT! CUT!" hollered Rauru. "Impa, please. We did this in the rehearsals. You must understand that Gertrude DID NOT KNOW her husband was murdered until now, OKAY! Since Hamlet has a really long line after yours, let's start off from your next line. ACTION!"
"What have I done, that thou dar'st wag thy tongue?" cries Gertrude.
"Such and act that blurs the grace and blush of modesty; calls virtue hypocrite; takes off the rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love, and sets a blister there; makes marriage vows as fals as dicers' oaths..."
"CUT!" called Rauru.
"What now!" Link yelled. "Everything went fine!"
"Well, the line's too long so we're running out of time and..."
"I am not skipping my line, Rauru. I am doing just fine right now."
"Well, no, but we're stopping here, and due to the fact that the next few lines between you and your 'mother' are of an, well, um, adult nature."
"Oh for crying out loud, Rauru! The plot of the play is practically an adult nature! I mean, Hamlet's mom marries her brother-in-law and Hamlet becomes this 'momma's boy' all of a sudden. It seems like this play is more like 'Oedipus the King' rather than 'Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.'"
"Um, Hamlet," said Rauru. "The play 'Oedipus the King' is MUCH worse than this one."
"But it's the same idea!"
Rauru and Link continue to argue and the scene is never finished.
THE END OF THE PLAY
"Well," said Link. "That battle scene with, you, Mido, was pretty furious. But it was cool because I won."
"Whatever," said Mido. "I felt like you were ACTUALLY going to kill me the way we were sword-fighting."
"Well, for one thing, you've never handled a sword before and another thing, you aren't a warrior like I am," said Link.
"Yeah, whatever," replied Mido.
"What Mido said," said Ganondorf. "Who cares if you're a sword-wielding warrior? Besides, you killed my character too!"
"But," said Mido. "My character scratched you with his poison-tipped sword so NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH-NAAAAAAAH...NAH-NAH-NA....mmmrrrpppphhh!"
"There," said Link as he stuffed Mido's script into his mouth. "I hope you like paper. But there's one thing that bugs me. These tights with the codpiece. It's really..."
"Link," said Zelda, interrupting him.
"Let's not go there, okay?"