Define, Hell

Disclaimer/Author's Notes: Kim Possible and all the characters of the show are owned by the Disney Company. All other characters can be blamed on the author (he, however, is not responsible for all of their actions at all times, being barely responsible for himself most of the time….).

This is a strictly not-for-profit, just-for-fun work.

This is not a part of the (shameless plug) Blue Eyes, Shining stories or the JadeKimVerse. I'll be back to it soon, but enjoy this: you can blame Cindy for this story (yes, it's the same Cindy that sent me the ANC picture that spawned "Merry Christmas, Momma" and "Paint Me a Christmas Memory").

A/N Forward:


What is Hell?


Read, and decide if the answer is correct….


Define, Hell


Professor Steve Barkin had dreaded this moment, but he looked at the student's name one last time on the blue book cover:

Ron Stoppable.

He sighed, and opened the Blue Book and picked up his red pen.


15 minutes later, Steve was in shock.

Ron Stoppable had actually studied all year, even though he'd missed several lectures and labs because of his Team Possible work. Regardless, he obviously had studied, because he had only missed one question in the entire 200-question Chemistry test.

Steve turned to the bonus question, and he was even more shocked that Stoppable had even attempted it: he had missed this entire lecture and lab week. Ron had been in Central and Southern Africa, on a mission with Kim, fighting Monkey Fist, again, but this time they had actually caged him and delivered him to the South African Intelligence Services and the monkey ninjas to the Johannesburg Zoo.


Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students had written proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

Ron, however, had, of course, taken a slightly different path and written the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that, once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave (Hotel California). Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This provides us with two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until "all Hell breaks loose."

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until "Hell freezes over."

So: which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Bonnie Rockwaller (during my high school freshman year) that, "It will be a cold day in Hell, Ron Stoppable, before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that she enjoyed my bed all of last night, then number two must be true; therefore, I am certain that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that, since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven; thereby, proving the existence of the Divine. This explains why, last night, Bonnie continually shouted

"Oh, My God!"

"Ron Stoppable, don't stop!"

"I love kosher!" and

"yes...Yes...OH, YES!!!!!"

Of course, a third item to consider is the following:

If Kim finds out about last night, I will be sent directly to Hell via multiple versions of King Fu attacks by an angry green-eyed redhead whose temper will surpass the explosion and subsequent destruction of Mt. Krakatoa. At that time, I will provide you with a direct response to the bonus question; assuming, of course, that the Internet is indeed installed everywhere (which, likely it is: with, of course, computers will all be 286-based systems with 14.4 dial-up modems and no spam filters or virus protection).


Steve smiled and wrote the grade on the cover. He then ripped the bonus question page from the Blue Book and scanned it into his computer and saved the document. He then put the page and one question that he'd written on a separate piece of paper, clipped to the back of Ron's bonus question answer page, placed both documents in an envelope that he then sealed, wrote Ron's name on the outside, and clipped to the inside back cover of the Blue Book. He then slipped the entire package into a large envelope so the contents would not have to be folded.


"So, Ron, how did you do on the Chem mid-term?" Kim asked him as they walked back to their co-ed apartment building. They didn't live together, but the building was, at least, co-ed, even though the floors weren't, officially.

"Read it, and weep, Kimila," he smirked as he pulled the blue book partially out of the envelope.

"An A+!" and she grabbed and hugged him, and then planted a passionate kiss on him that earned the two of them hoots and yells from the students walking from the building.

"Yea…," Ron grinned his goofy grin, and pulled his shirt collar. "I got the extra points on the Bonus Question."

"Really? Let's see, Ron," and Kim pulled the blue book out of the envelope.

"Can't, Kim: Sorry, but Barkin pulled my bonus answer out of the book; he said he liked it so much that he was going to share it with some of his colleagues.

"Don't you think it's odd, Kim, that our high school principal is now teaching Chemistry at Go City University?" Ron asked as the stepped inside the building.

"No stranger than anything else that's happened to us, Ron," and they were slammed, hard, by someone coming in from behind them.

"Oh, it's the losers," Bonnie said sarcastically as she pushed her way between the two of them.

"BONNIE," Kim growled.

"Shove it, princess: you're still dating the loser, so you're a princess loser, or is it loser princess?

"Huh," was her final comment as she flipped her hair and walked away, but not before turning away from Kim so that only Ron could see her and mouthing "call me" to Ron, who promptly blushed.

"What's wrong, Ron?" Kim saw the blush.

"Just remembered something, Kim: gotta call Mom! See you for dinner!" and he ran to the stairwell and headed up the flight to the second floor and his apartment.


Ron slammed into his apartment, slammed the door closed, locked it, and then pulled the large, brown envelope out of his backpack, carefully pulling both the test and the separate envelope that Professor Barkin had included.

He opened the envelope and pulled out his bonus question answer page and found the paper clipped to the back.

Ron read the question written by Professor Barkin and smiled, then grinned, and then broke into a full-blown falling-down laugh session.

When he recovered, he went to his computer, pulled up the faculty email page, selected Steve Barkin, and wrote a quick response and hit 'send,' still chuckling.


Steve was packing to leave his office and head to the airport for his trip back home with his fiancée when his email beeped.


He opened the email.

Professor Barkin:

I enjoyed the class.

I really enjoyed your question.


A1: yes, quite pleasing, but she bites.

A2: Nowhere near as good as Red: the main course, but a great side dish, nonetheless….

Merry Christmas!

Ron Stoppable


Steve logged out of his email and LAN connection, turned off the computer, headed to the door and hit the light switch, turning out the lights to his office, and closed and locked the door, whistling the entire time.


Author's afterward:

A very special set of thanks go out to the following:

A whole slew of writers for allowing me to bounce this idea off of them, and to CajunBear73, Chaosengine, King in Yellow, and whitem for their humorous, insightful, and useful responses.

Thank you, to all of you, for continuing to support me and provide me with a sounding board.

Thanks again for reading, and please review.


For all of you Jade fans:

I'll be back: "oops…" is next!


The Fannies are over, but who won? Stay tuned for the awards ceremony…