A/N: So, uh, this story… basically something I wrote spur of the moment when my dad was griping about my brother getting fined by the IRS (after I laughed at him, of course, he's like the Itachi to my Sasuke… only there will be no incest fics with us XD). I still don't know if I'll continue it since I don't really have the whole plot right now, I'm just dumping what's in this skull of mine. Hell, I don't even know if it will be NaruSasu or SasuNaru. All I know is it WILL be a humor fic, but not to worry! I'll be sure to weave in a touch of angst that always comes with Sasuke and Naruto.
But as far as continuing it goes, that's where you guys come in. Message, email, review, or whatever if you're interested in this. After all, I write as much for my readers as I do for myself. Well… maybe a little less, but I'm selfish. :P
WARNINGS: Sasuke's potty-mouth, AU (they're about 23 or 24 now), some OOCness, and eventual sex.
Summary: Company head Uchiha Sasuke always, always had a plan B. But when he accidentally receives an IRS letter meant for his out-of-place, hippie, liberalist neighbor Uzumaki Naruto whose house is getting repossessed, he finds that one cannot have a plan B without first having a plan. This is exactly what Sasuke had when he asked Naruto to live with him… no plan at all.
Disclaimer: Naruto sold his soul to me, but Kishimoto Masashi wouldn't give me the rest of him. D: (Haha I almost typed "Kishitmoto")
Many thanks to my wonderful betas!! I love you guys!
Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions.
Only the weak showed emotions.
He'd balanced it to a carefully calculated art over the years managing to keep his expressions and voice as stale as an old piece of bread, only occasionally using his eyebrows to convey some sort of 'emotion' that any normal human would use when interacting.
But no matter how collected the Uchiha believed himself to be, every now and then an emotion managed to slip past his façade, and it was always at the negative end of the emotion spectrum.
And right now, Uchiha Sasuke was pissed.
Uchiha Sasuke was in control of his emotions. I mean, Damn it—Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions. Uchiha Sasuke did not need emotions.
But the more he chanted those words to himself, the tighter his head felt. Ugh, migraines. He'd gone to college with them and the annoying, pulsing headaches decided to stick around afterwards like a close friend. Fan-bloody-tastic.
He slammed his eyes shut, bringing his furrowed eyebrows into each other in a near head-on collusion, and unconsciously tighten his grip on the wheel of black interior leather of his brand new, sleek, ebony sports car. It still had that new car smell of fresh leather, straight off the cow. He inhaled deeply; the smell instantly assaulted his delicate nose and he choked on his breath. Ugh, he was going to be sick.
He snapped his eyes open again and aligned himself back on the road, momentarily forgetting he was on the highway and not in the comforts of his own home on his Italian leather couch.
'Oh, fuck it all,' he groaned mentally still recalling the meeting that soured his mood. Fresh out of college and he was already running his family's company straight into the ground. His head thumped violently at the thought. No, he wasn't the one ruining everything he and his family ever built– the incompetent assholes that worked for him were.
'Not anymore,' he thought dryly, 'looks like its back to the drawing boards'. So much for his free time. After all, perfectionism makes any task at least twice as long. But Uchiha Sasuke always, always had a plan B.
He flipped on his turn signal and sped down the exit, not giving a flip about the speed limit. It was amazing the car's windows weren't fogging up from heated anger emitting from his lean form.
Uchiha Sasuke was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.(1)
He slid into his driveway and parked, not even bothering to open the garage door, let alone enter. He got out of the car and slammed the door shut, wincing as the sound echoed throughout his poor skull. He shook his head as if trying to rid himself of his thoughts and pain. No such luck. Damn, it was worth a try. He flicked a snowflake off his nose and started to stalk towards the house.
The snow made a pleasant crunching sound under his feet and a small, sadistic smirk made its way onto his once scowling face when he pictured all the individual pieces of snow he was crushing under his weight as his colleagues.
He suppressed the sudden urge to just jump up and down and yell obscenities at the white driveway. After all, he was still Uchiha Sasuke.
And Uchihas' do not yell at precipitation.
He settled for stomping and muttering under his breath, his language was the exact opposite of his wardrobe– colourful. He'd make a note to pay his neighbor to shovel his driveway when his eyes didn't feel like they were about to pop out of his head.(2)
He opened his door and silently basked in the warm air that instantly lashed out and started lapping at his face. Sasuke shut the door behind him and slid his shoes off, his body beginning to thaw from his mini journey.
The walk from his driveway to his front door was longer than the normal person's. He lived in a swanky neighborhood in the upper class part of town in a massive house, but unfortunately (or fortunately? Sasuke never could decide), just like his property his neighbors were spread out and all a great distance from each other. While that offered much needed privacy it became rather… lonely.
He shook his head at that thought and again was rewarded with a particularly deep throb. He scowled, he was beginning to sound like that blond dolt that lived next to him. What was his name…? Uzu-something. Whatever, it didn't matter.
Uchiha Sasuke did not care about other people. Still, he couldn't keep his thoughts from roaming to his peculiar neighbor as he began removing his coat, scarf, and gloves to place to dry on the coat rack.
Sasuke had only met him a few times and all those times the raven couldn't help to notice how out of place he looked with his never-fading smile, peace signs, and PETA petitions.
Sasuke also hadn't failed to notice all the unconcealed looks of hate and disgust the rest of the neighbors and area would shoot him for his different way of life.
There weren't exactly a lot of guitar playing liberalists around these parts. While most people on the block were trying to obtain more obscure and tender meats and animal parts for delicacies, the blond man had completely snuffed out using all cute, fuzzy animals for his daily benefit. 'God, what a pansy.' Sasuke snorted, amused for the moment.
The blond stopped by from time to time to see if he could help out with anything or do an odd chore for little or no money. At first Sasuke had been suspicious, after all, who in their right mind wouldn't be suspicious if a hippie suddenly started coming over to their property with an excuse that clearly says 'I could stop and rob you blind and you'd be none the wiser'?
But as time went by he realized it wasn't for the Uchiha's stuff or money, it'd been just a way to have some human contact when he was by himself on a lonely estate. Sasuke's feelings had quickly gone from wary of the blond to pity for him. After all, someone had to be desperate to consider Uchiha Sasuke decent 'human contact'.
Poor sap. The blond scarcely popped in much anymore now that Sasuke was no longer considered a 'new' neighbor and had done nothing but antagonize him the whole time the boy was there.
But Sasuke was not like that idiot. He enjoyed spending time in a house as empty as he felt, which is why he was one of the only people in his area without severants and with few maids. Loneliness was his companion, not his enemy. He'd learned to accept it and welcome it his whole life, why should now be any different?
He sighed, his anger returning once again and strode out into the picture adorned hallway and then the kitchen. The kitchen was like everything that Sasuke owned: sleek, modern, spacious, and new.
He flipped on the light and eyed the piece of paper lying on his counter next to his three week pile of mail. His head pulsed harder as he picked it up and read over the 'healthy eating' schedule his nutritionist set out for him. 'Boca Burgers? What the fuck are Boca Burgers?!' He scanned over the weekly eating list and looked wistfully over his shoulder at the liquor cabinet.
Screw healthy lifestyles, if he didn't have a drink he was sure he would explode and pop his top like a volcano. He read the end of the sheet that said to drink plenty of water and smirked, 'well, she never said what kind of water, and right now I could go for some fire water.'
He promptly wadded it up, tossed it in the waste basket and all but ripped the cabinet open, reaching knowingly in the back for a specific bottle. 'Come to papa, Jacky!'
He pulled it out and shut the door. He got out a glass and a couple ice cubes and proceeded to pour himself a much needed glass. Ah, now for some quality time with Jack Daniels. He missed their bonding time. He took a swig as his head still threatened to split in two.
He opened another cabinet by the fridge and got out around five prescription pill bottles. He pulled out one or two capsules from each and swallowed them all simultaneously and then finished off his whisky glass in two gulps. That should tame his mega migraine. He cleaned up and put everything away out of habit, suddenly starting to feel a bit calmer.
Good ol' Jack, he knew he could rely on him.
Sasuke moved to his island counter, picked up the two largest stacks of mail that weren't from his fan girl community, and dragged a trash can with him to the living room to read them.
He sunk into the indigo couch and began his sorting through his now neatly lined stacks. He shuffled through the junk quickly and precisely, dumping them all in the trash can as his slim, nimble fingers moved with lightening speed.
He paused in his almost automatic sorting and started. He quirked an eyebrow and carefully ripped open the envelope with 'URGENT. IRS!!!' on the front in bold, red letters.
He wasn't sure whether to be amused or mortified when he'd seen the official red stamp. Uchiha Sasuke would not be hiding from the IRS. Uchiha Sasuke was filthy stinkin' rich.
Sasuke's eyes quickly scanned over the contents of letter, his abnormal photogenic memory soaking up each word like a sponge. Darting pupils came to a halt when it hit a familiar looking name that the letter was addressing. 'Uzumaki Naruto… Uzumaki Naruto… Uzumaki Narut–OH!' Uzumaki? Wasn't that his neighbor's name? He smirked, the realization dawning on him.
Uchiha Sasuke was always right.
The letter hadn't been for him after all. The poor mailman must have stopped a house too early in the blizzard nearly two weeks ago and delivered it to him by mistake. Sasuke slipped the letter back into its envelope and got up. He stretched, the letter still hand, his muscles now less tense and warm from alcohol.
He might as well go and return the letter. Even if the idiot probably just bounced a check, it still had been almost two weeks since it was sent.
He again weaved through his giant maze of a house and slipped back into his winter wear and shoes, his killing intent almost completely gone at this point. He slipped out into the snowy yard, careful not to let too much warm air out from his house and locked the door behind him.
Quickly, he shuffled against the snow at a slower pace than his sensitive-to-the-cold body usually would thanks to the 'fire water' still coursing through his veins, making it less noticeable.
Uzumaki Naruto could not dance.
Unfortunately, 'could' and 'would' were two very different things.
Naruto swayed to the music, humming along occasionally and moving the paint-filled brush across his wall in time with his movements. A large white dog sat at his feet, panting while it watched every move the brush made. His 'dancing' looked like somewhere between a dog humping someone's leg and someone that had to go to the bathroom.
He paused in his moments and wiped the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead. "Whew! Almost finished Akamaru!" The giant dog gave a loud bark as a response and wagged its tail.
Naruto set down his paint brush and can and pulled open the paint covered, wooden ladder that was leaning against the wall. Glancing out the window he noticed the sun was setting as his hungry mind compared the snow to powder sugar. He grinned; it looked like he was going to be finished in time for dinner after all!
He bent down and adjusted his also paint splattered stereo to a different radio station and cranked up the volume. He resumed his half hump, half 'gotta-pee' dance while he grabbed the paint can and brush and climbed the ladder, placing the can at the very top and continued his work. He had to work to keep the rickety ladder balanced and steady since it was set on uneven bunched up sheets
"IFFFFF YOU WANT MY BODY, ANNNNNNND YOU THINK I'M SEXY, COME ON SUGAR LET ME KNOOOOOWWW-OHHHH" He wailed while Akamaru joined in with howls of his own.
Just as the song, wails, and howls (possible of agony) ended, three sharps knocks echoed from his front door. Naruto blinked, "Eh? A visitor? OH! Maybe it's my new order of Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap!!(3)"
He slid down the sides of the ladder in his haste, forgetting the instability of it. It rocked violently and the paint can launched off of it, hitting him smack in the side of the head. "GAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as manly as he could and flew to the floor. Ugh, thank god he was almost done so the can wasn't very heavy.
Three sharp knocks sounded again, louder this time. "COMINGGGGGG!" He hollered as he hoisted himself to his feet and padded towards the door. He undid the locks.
"Man, I was beginning to wonder if you guys would ever deliver it! I mean its been 3 weeks since I last bathed and-" he opened the door and froze. It was his… neighbor?
Sasuke looked at him and raised a delicate eyebrow. A combination of bad B.O. and Febreeze was coming from Naruto. The Uchiha guessed that's what he used instead of bathing. He ignored the smell and took in his appearance. What the hell was this idiot doing?
He had a nice thick blotch of blue paint coating the right side of his head and splattered across a good portion of the right side of his bare chest, the large swirl tattoo on his stomach revealed. He was wearing the brightest pair of orange lounge pants Sasuke had ever seen in his life and his golden (and now blue) locks seemed to glow in the light of the setting sun.
Sasuke swore his retinas were burning just from looking at the man.
Obviously Sasuke wasn't the person he was expecting if his wide azure eyes indicated anything. "Did I come at a bad time?" Sasuke asked, not really wanting to know what went on in his absence.
A hefty white dog sat behind Naruto and Sasuke scowled. If there was one thing he hated more than Naruto, it was his dog. It wagged its tail with a stupid look on its face and Sasuke suddenly remembered reading something about dogs looking like their owner.
"Nah, it's cool man, I just thought it was a package or somethin', ya know?" He scratched the back of his head, obviously a nervous gesture, and grinned at Sasuke.
"But, um, if you want to come in and wait a second while I go and clean up that would be great. I've rather not look like a smurf." He said while he tried to wipe a patch of blue off the side of his face.
"Aa," Sasuke nodded his head, "I'm not here to visit. I noticed this letter in my mail stack; the mailman must have delivered it to me by mistake." He held out the letter to Naruto who blinked and took it.
Sasuke smirked, "But how he confused me with a moron like you I'll never know."
"Shut up, you jerk!" Naruto snapped while he pulled out the letter from the side Sasuke ripped, "and did you read my mail?! That's against the law ya know!!! I outta have your ass thrown in the slammer for that comment and then I'd stop by everyday to shove my freedoms in your jerk face just to spite you and then–" he froze, mouth hanging in mid-sentence.
Sasuke, who had been walking away, stopped and glanced back around when Naruto made a not-so-manly squeak. He raised his eyebrow again at Naruto's pale face and wide eyes. A bounced check wouldn't raise an expression like that. Just what did the IRS want with him?
"S-Sasuke?" Naruto said with a shaky voice, obviously trying to hold in some emotion.
"What is it, idiot?" The raven asked as he turned around to face the sweating blond.
"W-when did you get this?" His hand that held the letter was shaking badly now.
Sasuke frowned, "I've been on a business trip for the past month, but I'm guessing around two weeks ago considering which stack it was in." He paused to observe the blond's cracking demeanor. "Why?"
Sasuke didn't even have time to blink when Naruto answered. Well, more like exploded. "WHAT?!!?! Ah man, not cool man, not COOL!" Ah, so that's the emotion he was trying to hold in. Complete and utter Panic.
"What am I gonna do?! What CAN I do?! My freaking house is getting repossessed!! I thought I had more time but nooooooo, even God hates vegans!!!(4)" He began pacing frantically on his porch, throwing his hands in the air in exasperation. "Where the hell am I supposed to go?! It's not like I have any relatives to take me in!!! I think I'm gonna throw up."
Sasuke watched him go into panic mode and felt something bubbling in his stomach. Guilt? Sympathy? No, couldn't be.
Uchiha Sasuke did not do emotions… too bad Uchiha Sasuke's mouth seemed to forget that.
"You could stay with me." What the hell did he just say?! That was not part of the plan! Wait. He froze. Did he even have a plan?
Naruto froze mid-rant and spun around to look at the raven, mouth agape. Did he just hear what he thought he heard? Uchiha Sasuke was offering hospitality? No. Fucking. Way. He waited a few seconds, as if seeing if the Uchiha would start laughing at him and proclaiming it was all a joke. No laughter came; in fact, his face was as impassive as ever.
Little did he know that under that mask of apathy, Uchiha Sasuke was now the one in internal panic mode. He willed his mouth to take it back, to say he was just yanking his chain and mocking him in his time of need but nothing came.
Despite the cold winter air surrounding him he began to sweat. He needed a plan B.
Naruto eyed him warily, "What's the catch?"
"No dogs." The words came tumbling out like vomit again. Plan B! Plan B! What the fuck happened to Plan B?! His mind screamed at him. Hey migraine, nice to see you again.
Through his now once again throbbing head and screaming mind he suddenly realized something… one cannot have a plan B when there was no plan in the first place.
For the first time in his life, Uchiha Sasuke had no plan B.
A huge, genuine smile slowly spread across Naruto's face and his blue eyes sparkled with appreciation as Sasuke's words suddenly sank in. "Deal."
Uchiha Sasuke was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
1. I love the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, so yes, that's where it came from.
2. In case some people have never had a migraine or don't know what they feel like, the eye popping thing tends to come with them.
3. Hemp soap FTW!
4. My muse used to say this whenever something bad would happen to her. XD
If you didn't read the A/N up top then review, message, email me, whatever if you want me to continue this. I have most of the plot and background stories worked out so I just need to know if I should do the rest or just not waste my time since this idea came so suddenly.
And NO Naruto isn't a hippie just because I want him to be one (even though I do XD), there's actually a reason for it besides "oh, he saw a PETA video and then POOF! Hippie!