A/N: A first attempt at a
Lamb-Fic. Many of the jokes are reused, recycled, and rehashed.
Warnings for OOC-ness, and general bad grammar/spelling/punctuation.
Hope you enjoy. Reviews always welcome. :)
Disclaimer: Christopher owns and pwns all.
Background: Biff and Joshua reunite in Heaven. Written in the same style as the book - Biff's POV.
I didn't last long after Maggie died. I didn't want to live without her anyway.
Death was different the second time around. The kingdom hadn't come when I died in the early AD's - the only thing that came after death was darkness. Talk about your complete opposites. Dying the first time was a lot easier on the eyes.
"You mind turning down the lights? I feel like my eyes are being burned outta my skull," I said. I scrubbed a hand over my closed eyelids.
"Welcome to Heaven, may I take your order?" Some old guy with a bad haircut was staring at me, his smile too big for his wrinkly little face. A huge golden gate loomed behind him
"Uh... hi." I thought I might have heard wrong... or this guy was crazy
"Would you like fries with that?"
Nope, definitely crazy.
"Hey bud," I walked forward, haltingly. My arthritis acted up. Weren't you supposed to become young once you entered Heaven?
"Four ninety nine, please."
"Listen. Um, I'm dead, and I was wondering if I could get into Heaven?"
"You're welcome, have a nice day."
"No, no. See, I'm a new arrival here and..."
"Welcome to Heaven, may I take your order?"
"Well, unless you're serving 'Open The Fucking Gate's... No, no you can't take my order."
"Would you like fries with that?"
"Arnie!" A young man appeared behind the gatekeeper, holding what looked like a super-sized extra large coffee. I was surprised to see coffee in heaven, and was surprised that I was surprised. After all, Josh was the original coffee-addict.
"Arnie, what are you doing? You know you're supposed to call me if we have a newcomer." The coffee-drinker wagged a finger under a chastised Arnie's nose. I kept my mouth shut, watching. When the kid turned to me, he smiled wide.
"Sorry about that. Arnie's still getting used to the system. He's new. We recently joined the 'Adopt-a-Senior' program."
"And you left him alone on the job?"
"Well, it's a Tuesday...," the guy explained, shrugging, "Tuesday's are usually dead around here."
"Wait a minute, you're saying fewer people die on Tuesday's?"
"Well, fewer good people."
Heaven wasn't quite what I expected. I didn't have much time to look around. I was barely out of hearing range of the gate, listening to Arnie suggest the chicken finger combo to the gatekeeper, when a red-headed, hundred-and-twenty-one pound bowling ball knocked me to the ground.
"Biff!" It was an excited shriek.
"Oi! Maggie! Arthritis, arthritis!" I rolled around a bit, trying desperately (well, not too desperately) to disengage the arms that were clamped around my waist. Smooth arms. She was young again.
"Sorry," she pulled away, a smile barely wrinkling the corners of her perfect lips.
"It's okay. I'm resilient in my old age. Lots of stamina too. Of course, you already knew that."
Maggie punched nearly as hard as Josh.
So... how was death for you?" I asked, rubbing my sore cheek.
"Meh. You've done it once, you've done it a thousand times. You?"
"Bright." I glanced around, "Where is he?"
Maggie smiled her secret smile. It sent my feeble little heart pounding so violently that I was in danger of having a heart attack, if I wasn't already dead.
"He's been waiting for you. He told me he nearly jumped the gun a few times in calling you to heaven. Honestly, he's just like a kid in a candy shop."
"Oh? A kid? So you've finally realized that I'm the real man, have you?" I gloated.
Maggie smirked, but was silent and I was suddenly aware of someone standing behind me.
"Real men have nothing on Messiah's, Levi Who is Called Biff."
His voice hadn't changed at all.
"Josh..." I turned. His smile was so wide and so white it was blinding, "Whoa. Colgate overload! You're looking more radiant than usual."
"Oh, sorry," the light that seemed to be emanating from Josh was suddenly gone and he stood before me, same as always, with that cocky Son-of-God grin, "What's colgate?"
Hey, no one ever said Josh had extensive knowledge on toothpaste.
"It's a book in the Torah."
"Oh, of course. Right next to Amphibians?"
"No, Dalmatians. You need to brush up on your scripture."
"To tell you the truth, I've been a little busy since I got here."
"What do you mean? Dad doesn't give you a two week vacation or anything? Looks like I need to have a little chat with the Big Guy Upstairs." I cracked my knuckles dramatically but stopped when I noticed Josh staring at me, "What?"
The Messiah shook his head, the grin disappearing from his face.
"Nothing... I just missed you, that's all."
I turned away.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just a bit of dust in my eye." Don't let anyone ever tell you there's no dust in Heaven. There is. Plenty of it.
"Are you crying?"
I turned back to Josh and shoved him... hard.
"Crying? Ha! I'm the real man, remember?"
Josh grinned, a secret smile like Maggie's. When had he gotten so intuitive?
"Hey Josh. I've gotta question for you."
"What is it, Biff?"
"Maggie gets to be young, but I don't?"
"What are you saying, Biff bar Alphaeus? You are young."
I glanced down at my un-wrinkled hands. The guy worked fast.
"I've got one more question."
"Why is my skin blue?"
Josh studied the sky, then a laughing Maggie, and finally turned his gaze toward me. He shrugged.
"You look good blue."