Koreki Birisu

2/5/2007

Ninjatech

Naruto no Jutsu Daisuke, Koreki-sensei Densetsu!

AKA The Fabulous Tale of Koreki

And her Ninja Students

INTRODUCTION: Koreki strikes back for another round of parody madness. This story is based in the world of Naruto, the amazingly popular ninja show that everyone (well, maybe not…) is crazy for. This story was done on request, and may contain real people here and there, but trust me, nobody was –permanently- injured during the production of this story. Purists, stay away, for I make fun and purposely screw up established plot points and characters. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

"Yeah, today I'm going to graduate!"

The sun was shining brightly down on the wooden, one-room house as the inhabitant shoved miso-flavored Pop Tarts down his throat. He was chewing loudly, smiling as wide as he could, spilling golden crumbs on the floor and small table. "Aren't you excited for me?"

Unfortunately for Sa'am, he was the only one in the house and had nobody to talk to. So instead, he had propped up a mirror opposite his chair and pretended it was his brother or something. He flexed a muscle, "I'll knock them all down with my amazing skills! It's going to be like nothing they've ever seen! Okay, I got to get going. Clean the kitchen, will you??"

Sa'am grabbed a sack from his dresser and headed out of his house, grinning from ear to ear. It never bothered him that his house was in the Red District, even if it was wedged between two brothels that occasionally produced strange sounds and off odors. He was just proud that he owned a plot of land and constructed his own house, and was able to steal the water and cable from the buildings next door. Plus, he had a great backyard, where you could find lots of dirt and bits of colorful glass, and occasionally a drunk man who got lost trying to find the Peeky-Peeky Theatre.

"They'll be so amazed they'll stick me with the best teacher- no, the head honcho himself! Yes, I'll be able to brutally mutilate people alongside Orochimaru! God, bless you for letting me live in Hidden Sound!"

That's right, Sa'am was a member of the hastily constructed Village of Hidden Sound. The town was full of all walks of life, many probably there for the same reason Sa'am was- orphaned and kidnapped into the area. In fact, one of the best games among the children was to guess how many of each ethnic group would walk into the local noodle shop that day. Despite the fact the adults of the town were very anxious these days, Sa'am found comfort in the companionship of the wild gangs of youth that wandered the alleyways.

"I wonder who I'll get in my team… Oh, sweet, sweet Maya… You'll be fighting alongside me… and then you'll fall and hurt your knee, 'Oh Sa'am! I'm injured! I cannot continue!' 'Don't worry, Maya-san, I will carry you!' 'Oh, my hero…'" Sa'am squealed. "Your hot lips will soon be mine!"

Sa'am suddenly ran into what he thought was a brick wall, but it was actually his dream girl, Maya. Maya had long, silky brown hair and beautiful blue eyes, a figure to die for, and the best smile in the universe. However, she wasn't smiling, but glaring down at Sa'am. "Watch where you're going. And did I hear you say my name?"

"O-oh, Maya-san!" Sa'am got up and properly bowed, "Good morning! I was just… just saying how I hope we can be on the same team after we graduate today!"

"Oh, isn't that dear!" Maya laughed, "Forget it, Porky, don't you remember your great losing streak? Why, last time, you blew up half of the school! Maybe we should better stay home, right?"

The boy beside her didn't move. His cold, grey eyes burned into Sa'am's soul, his long hair drifting in the breeze behind him. Sa'am gulped hard as his blood turned into ice.

"C'mon, Tap!" Maya grabbed the angry boy's arm, "We're going to be late!"

Sa'am let out a sigh as Maya dragged off Tap. "Man… I hope I don't have to have Tap on my team… oh no, that's right, I'm going to be late!"

"ROLL CALL!" Miss Iruta called shrilly, standing up behind her desk. She hit her head on the low ceiling of the hut and cursed silently, ducking a little and picking up a clipboard. "Maya Armata."

"Here!"

"Sano Sanyo."

"Present!"

"Tap Dontglass."

"…kill you all…"

"Chiso Hyuuga."

There was a long pause.

"Chiso? Chiiiiso…? Hey, did somebody bring her to class today?"

Everyone looked at each other, then back at Miss Iruta.

"Dammit… Somebody look for her outside."

Sano got up and ran outside as everyone waited in dead silence. In five minutes, he came back in, pulling along a blank-faced girl. He pushed her into a desk and then sat back down in his own. "Found her, ma'am. She was talking to the swingset again!"

"Oh, is it time for school?" Chiso tilted her head, "I see."

"…No, you can't see, Chiso." Miss Iruta marked her name off. "Okay… Sa'am?"

"I'M HERE!" He leapt upon his desk and posed, "I'm going to graduate today, take THIS!"

Miss Iruta moved her head as a knife embedded itself in the wall behind her. "Very nice. Get off the desk."

"Sorry ma'am."

"Okay, who else… Seek?"

"Here, ma'am!" He raised his hand as high as he could.

"Is your brother absent?"

"No!" Suddenly another head pushed it's way out of Seek's shoulder, "I'm right here!"

"There you are, Tama! Very good, I think everyone is here." She put the clipboard down, "Well, today is the big day, kids. You prove to me why you should graduate and we'll give you your headbands and assign you to your teams. Let's go outside, and you all line up alphabetically by height."

"Er… ma'am… how is that possible?" Chiso chirped.

"Shut up, Chiso. Come on, kids."

The children headed into the grassy backyard of the one-room school, which was simply a hut constructed after Sa'am blew up the actual building. They all lined up and waited patiently as Miss Iruta checked off a few things in a book labeled 'Rules and How to Bend Them'. "Okay, first off is Sano. You know what to do, summon us up a clone and you pass."

"Got it, ma'am!" He stepped forward and put his hands together. "Bunshin no Jutsu!"

There was a puff of smoke as a perfect copy of Sano appeared beside the original. All the other students clapped politely. Miss Iruta nodded, "Very good, very good! You've worked hard, congratulations, you pass!"

"Yes!" He called off the clone and marched off to the side, sitting and smiling wide. "Good luck, everybody!"

"Next up… Maya Armata."

"No problem!" She folded her hands together, uttered the words, and also produced a perfect clone, except for the fact it was wearing nothing but lingere. "Oh, whoops!"

"That's alright, it's good enough. You boys stop staring! Congrats, Maya, you pass."

"All right!" She brushed her hair back, calling off the clone, "Easy as pie."

"Okay. Seek and Tama?"

"Ma'am?" They both asked.

"Yes?"

"Are we suppose to make one clone or two?"

"…Er…" She blinked at the twins. "Uh… erm…"

"Tama, just put your head down and let me do this."

"Aww, c'mon, Seek! You never let me do anything!"

"Get down there!" He shoved his brother's head back into his shoulder, then folded his hands together. "Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Poof! Beside him appeared a perfect Seek clone. Everyone applauded.

"Very good! You pass. Tama, your turn."

"But ma'am!"

"What?"

"Well, look!" He split off from the clone, taking a bow. The students gasped and applauded again.

"Ah hah! Very smart. You pass as well."

"Sweet deal!" The twins gave each other a high five as the clone disappeared, Tama walking back into Seek. The two sat down beside Maya and Sano.

"Okay… Sa'am?"

"OH BOY!" Sa'am stepped forward as everyone else groaned. "I've been practicing and practicing, Miss Iruta, you'll be amazed!"

"Uh huh. You know what to do…"

Sa'am smirked. He wasn't going to just summon a clone- no, in fact… he was going to summon at least a hundred of them! Sa'am had carefully studied and practiced the Forbidden Technique, Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! He folded his hands together in the appropriate positions and shouted, "Watch this!"

There was suddenly an explosion of clouds of smoke… and a bunch of Sa'am clones appeared. But before the children could react in amazement, they all began to fall into pieces, quivering on the ground. Sa'am screamed. "No, no, don't fall apart! What's wrong??"

"…" Miss Iruta stared at him over the rim of her glasses. "Oh, very nice, eh? Very impressive, eh? Very… A WASTE OF MY TIME."

"B-but Ma'am!"

"The requirements call for one –perfect- clone. I see no perfect clones in this pile of body parts."

"Aw DAMMIT!"

"…loser." Tap crossed his arms.

"Talk to me after class. Pick up these bodies this instant!"

"Yes ma'am." Sa'am was crushed.

"While he's doing that… Chiso Hyuuga's next."

"Oh boy!" Chiso gasped and stepped forward.

"I'm behind you, Chiso."

"Oh, of course, ma'am!" She turned around, her pupil-less eyes glimmering in the sunlight. Despite being one of the famous Hyuuga clan, which was known for their almost 360 degree field of vision, Chiso was completely blind, due to complications in the womb related to her mother's heavy drug use. "Here I go!"

Sa'am walked to the class by himself sadly as a Chiso clone with the body parts in the wrong places appeared, causing the students to groan and taunt her. He wept a silent tear as he sat down in his hair. "Why… why can't I get any of these Forbidden Techniques right? Damn… I'll never graduate."

"Aww… Chiso doesn't want to sit down!" She was pushed in after Sa'am and she stumbled into an open space, pushing her fingers against each other. "I don't know what I did wrong."

"You existed, that's what!"

"Oh, Sa'am!" She cried, "You're horrible!"

"Shut up, this is all your fault! You ruined my technique!"

"How did Chiso ruin your technique?!?"

"YOU JUST DID! Now shut up!"

"Boohoo!"

Sa'am growled and put his head down on his desk, until he heard the door open. He glanced up, and his eyes connected with the stone-grey, angry eyes of Tap Dontglass. There was a moment of tense silence as Tap glared into Sa'am's soul again.

"Er… what happened with you?"

"…I killed Sano."

"Oh, cool!"

"…yeah, sweet." He sat down. "Teacher's angry though."

"I can't imagine why, I mean, nobody liked Sano anyway. He was always smiling, happy, succeeding in lif-"

"Shut up."

"Yes sir." Sa'am sighed and put his head back down on the desk.

"I am very disappointed in you three. After all the time I spent going over the technique with you, and you do this. Chiso, this is your third try! Sa'am, your fifteenth! And Tap, what the –hell-, man? What the –hell-?"

"…I hate everything. So I killed him."

"What am I going to tell his parents? God…" Miss Iruta sighed and lit up a cigarette. "But I have some news for you. Due to the 'No Child Left Behind' act they threw together, I am obligated to tell you…we have a special program for you. You will be able to graduate, while working with a highly skilled, qualified sensei from the upper crust of the village."

"Oh, sweet deal!" Sa'am gasped. Maybe this was his chance to climb the ladder of life and glory!

"So, let me introduce to you… your teacher!"

A cellphone was poked through the door, a dramatic drumroll playing from it. Then the the body holding it jumped into the doorway like a shadow, leaping across the room and landing on the teacher's desk. The children gasped (excluding Chiso) as the figure in the black clothes smirked.

"So you want to be Ninjas, eh? Well…" The woman smirked, "Do you really have what it takes?"

"Yes, I do, ma'am!" Sa'am jumped up. He was so excited! "I'm Sa'am and I'd be honored to train under you!"

"Well…" She hopped off the desk, facing them, "I guess I can haul you around. Let me see, the dropout class… yes.. yes… so you must be Tap Dontglass and that's the legendary Chiso Hyuuga."

"Oh, a new voice! What's your name?" Chiso smiled.

"I am… Koreki Birisu, the Becoming Death! You may call me Koreki-sensei, or Mistress, whichever you prefer. Let me welcome you under my watchful eye, Team 1.86!"

"SWEET!"

"…dude… 1.86?" Tap huffed. "Retarded."

"I'm in a team! I graduated! Hooray!" Chiso clapped her hands in glee.

"…are you serious? These are it?" Koreki raised an eyebrow at Iruta.

"Yeah." Miss Iruta shrugged.

"Eh… So be it! Now, my new students, here are your headbands!" Koreki passed out the gleaming, nicked and scuffed headbands. The metal plates had a music note stamped into them, painted black. Sa'am had never seen anything more beautiful, and he slowly put it on his head, tying it tightly.

"My… my headband… it will never leave my body!"

"Oh, how ironic," Koreki laughed, "I found them on some bodies just the other day."

"EEW."

"Somebody help Chiso, I don't think I have it on right!"

"Yours is one of those hats… you know, looks like a pair of underwear. I thought mixing it up would be fun. Here you go!" Koreki put it on her head correctly, tying it as tight as she could, "There, now don't you look precious?"

"Thank you. Chiso's head feels dizzy due to cut-off-circulation but she is most happy."

Tap sighed and put his on. "This smells like cigarettes."

"SHUT UP AND BE GRATEFUL!"

"Whatever."

"Okay then!" Koreki marched to the front door, "Meet me in town square tomorrow, Team 1.86! Don't bother with breakfast, either, our training is going to be so extreme you might barf if you eat beforehand."

"Awesome! Don't worry, Koreki-sensei! I will be on time! Early even!" Sa'am could barely contain himself. His chance, his shining moment, finally here! He knew with a little work, he could easily impress his new sensei and go on to become the Best Ninja Anywhere. "Oh, thank you so much!"

"Yeah, yeah, you kids go home and sleep well tonight."

"Great!" Sa'am ran off as fast as he could, laughing the entire way.

"He doesn't lack enthusiasm…" Miss Iruta sighed, then looked at the other two. "Tap, go home and bring Chiso with you."

"I burnt down my house."

"…Right, forgot. You guys just stay here then…" She headed out, "C'mon, Koreki, let's go get some ramen."

"Spazztastic!"

TO BE CONTINUED…