1Koreki Birisu

3/2/2007

Ninjatech

Naruto no Jutsu Daisuke, Koreki-sensei Densetsu!

AKA The Fabulous Tale of Koreki

And her Ninja Students

Part the After-Phor-The-Teenth

Maya Armata of Team 2 viciously leapt from her tree-post and plunged forward a blade at Sa'am, who had just lost his delicious Burger Emperor shake to a thrown knife. Everyone gasped in terror as the blade sank into Sa'am's fat chest, everyone falling silent. Maya laughed, half-crazed, "I GOT YOU!"

"Uh…" Sa'am blinked. "I don't feel a thing."

"What??" She pulled the blade back out. There was a small spurt of blood… but then the wound suddenly closed up entirely with a yellow-colored, rubbery substance! "What is this?!?"

"Oh, my fat!" Sa'am laughed, "It just fills up the cuts. Now you are mine!"

Maya screamed as she was grabbed by the arms, and then pulled into a hug. Sa'am splattered wet kisses all over her blonde head as she shrieked in absolute horror. Seek and Tama gasped, then shouted, "Hey! Let Maya go!"

"We are destined to be together forever! Let me kiss you some more!"

"EEK! Tap, save me!"

The grey-eyed young boy slowly walked over to Sa'am and Maya, then tapped Sa'am on the shoulder. The fat kid hissed, "Go away, Tap, this is –my- lady! Go find a corpse or something to kiss."

Tap stared deep into his eyes. Sa'am felt as if his soul was being pierced by the heavy glare. He began to sweat and tremble as Tap's eyes continued to burrow deeper and deeper into his mind, enough that Maya was able to slip away. However, she instantly attached to Tap, who looked as if he was going to die. Maya squealed, "Oh Tap, you sexy, sexy hero! I knew you would save me!"

"Going… to… STRANGLE…"

"GRR!" Sa'am yelled with all of his soul. Akamaru growled along with him. "THAT'S IT! I'm going to kill you, Tap, for trying to take my girl! It's the last time you'll ever see each other!"

"Eek!" Maya was pushed away, "Oh no, don't do it, Tap!"

"Oh, hello!" Chiso bumped into Maya, then put her hands out, cupping them over Maya's chest, "You must be Maya, for I can feel your ribs through your boobs!"

"Let me go!"

Meanwhile, Tap and Sa'am drew knives and glared at each other. Though Tap's eyes were harsh, Sa'am countered with his Death Stare, the two battling it out in silence. The rest of the people nearby watched and watched and watched…

"How boring!" The twins in the tree muttered.

"Now now," Santo dropped down from a higher branch, with a completely new face that didn't match the rest of his skintone, "It's only polite to stay interested when watching a ninja duel!"

"But we'd like to watch GAARA and ROCK LEE or some exciting match like that, not this stupid… stare-until-you-blink contest." Tama sighed.

"Sssh!" Seek suddenly slapped a hand over Tama's mouth, "Don't speak his name! If that kid hears you, he'll show up… and you know how badass he is! The only reason he didn't kill everyone is because they summoned his MOM."

"…mother scroll…" Tap distracted himself and broke his death glare, then suddenly screamed in agony as Sa'am's own death glare suddenly came through. Sa'am laughed, but then screamed as Tap threw a knife at Sa'am's knee. The two of them fell to the ground, Sa'am sobbing and Tap rather…

"Tap! TAP!" Maya ran over and held him, "Oh god, he's DEAD!"

"Woah." Koreki paused from reading one of her Come-Come paradise books, "Someone actually died? Oh shit, my paycheck! Dammit Sa'am!"

"SENSEI, MY KNEE!"

"Jesus Christ! What am I going to do with these fools?!?" Koreki growled, "Carelessly killing each other… okay, okay! I'll fix this…" Koreki pulled out her scroll, and within two seconds everything had reset.

"…The only reason he didn't kill everyone is because they summoned his-"

"Déjà vu." Koreki smirked, tucking the scroll away. "Okay everyone, I'm tired of this! You two, stop being ninnies and glaring at each other!"

"But Sensei!" Sa'am suddenly screamed in agony as Tap's death glare finally went through. Koreki started cursing and speaking in tongues, pulling the scroll out again and writing a few things on it. In two seconds, everything had reset.

"Déjà vu, déjà vu." Koreki growled, then walked in between the boys, canceling out both death glares. "Okay, stop already!"

"But Sensei!"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!?" Flames roared up behind Koreki.

"W-we're done!" Tap backed away. Sa'am did the same, nodding.

"We have no time to fight over super-anorexic kids and their stinky teams with their effeminate leader!"

"Hey!" Santo shouted, "I'm manly!"

"The hell you are. Haku could defeat you in a testosterone-battle anyday, and he wears a pink kimono and shaves his legs!"

"Hmm, and I need to do that again…" Haku looked at his beautiful man-legs.

"Stop insulting Santo-sensei!" Maya yelled, "I'm going to kill you!"

"O RLY!" Koreki suddenly threw her hands together. A sharp breeze picked up, and Maya shrieked as she was picked up and consequently blown away. Her team gasped, as Koreki pointed and laughed, "Should have thought about how easily the wind would take you away when you became anorexic, bitch!"

"Oh no! We have to catch her!" Santo took off after her, Seek and Tama not far behind. The other team looked mostly dazed and confused. Sa'am wept silently.

"Oh, Maya-san! How could you just blow away?"

"Stop blubbering and let's go! It looks like rain…" Koreki started off. They walked well into the night, when the rain began pouring down in torrents. However, soon enough, they reached a very large sign standing behind a red line painted across the earth. They all read in amazement, 'Welcome to the Tea Country, Affiliates of the Neck, Red Bean, and Scroll Country!', though the 'Scroll Country' had been slashed through in a cheap attempt to not have to fix the sign. A hanging part read 'Now open 24 hours, all days except Black Kettle Appreciation Day'. Sa'am gasped. "We… we made it!"

"Tea Country…" Koreki suddenly screamed with all her rage, "DAMN YOU!" The children backed away as blue flames rolled up around her.

"…and what again was the issue she had with the Tea Country?" Tap tied his noose to the hanging part of the sign.

"It has a gay name!" Chiso chirped. "But it seems the Neck Country has a gayer name."

"HEY!" Everyone shouted, "You can't read, how do you know that!"

"Uhm… oh no! Chiso is unsure! Don't hurt Chiso!"

Tap shook his head, then tried his noose on for size. Everyone else watched as he began spasming violently, then the hanging sign snapped. He fell down and the sign hit him across the head, and he lied there dazed, but was no closer to his goal of leaving the cruel, harsh world. Haku mumbled and pulled him loose from the ropes and put him over a shoulder. "Shall we cross the boarder?"

"I have no passport!" Chiso nervously poked her fingers together.

"Shut up and come on." Koreki stepped across the boarder. The rest of the team followed nervously behind Haku as their sensei's eyes gleamed, and she smirked, showing off the Sadie-influenced fangs. But as the night toiled on, the children could no longer take it.

"Please, sensei!" Chiso cried, "Put Chiso in shelter! She is cold and wet!"

"For once I agree with Chiso!" Sa'am sighed, "Please?"

"Oh fine. There's a village coming up anyway." Koreki walked into the town and walked to the largest building and knocked on the door. There was a pause, and then the thick wooden doors slowly opened.

"Oh, visitors?" A young man with light brown hair and a green robe opened the door, his eyes apparently glued closed, "In this weather? You must be travelers! Please, come in out of the rain!"

Team 1.86 gladly obliged, Akamaru first shaking out and getting everyone else twice as soaked as before. The young man then lead them through the building, "My name is Nabo, and may I welcome you to our humble home. Let us set you down by the fire, give you warm clothes, and feed you soup."

"Wow, not half bad!"

"I don't know about this…" Haku nervously eyed statues and crosses strewn about the building.

"Oh nonsense, Haku!" Sa'am laughed as he was given warm robes. "These seem like nice people!"

Despite Haku's worry, everyone was soon settled down in front of the fire with something to eat. Koreki was apparently nervous as well and was sitting beside Haku, the two carefully watching the inhabitants move around the building. Koreki finally leaned over so her face was on his shoulder and whispered, "So why are you nervous?"

"I worship the devil," Haku whispered, "How about you?"

"They're being too nice… Something has got to give." Koreki gasped as Nabo came forward, "Look, see, now they're going to give us a bill!"

"Oh my, no! No way would we charge you, children, we are dedicated to helping those in need! I just came to make sure everything was all right." Nabo suddenly gasped as he was taken up, a knife held to his neck.

"Alright, what's the catch?!? What's the CATCH?!?" Koreki's nerves had finally snapped.

"C-child, there is no catch!"

"There must be something!!"

"Sensei!" Sa'am shouted, "Don't beat him up! Look, he gave us all necklaces! They're little golden crosses. It's JESUS-A-RIFFIC!"

"NOT JESUS!" Koreki and Haku screamed.

"Well, alright… we had planned a little sermon, see…" Nabo sweat nervously. "Don't kill me!"

"Never! I will never sit still for a religious conversation!" Koreki hissed.

"Nuns, help!"

All the nuns in the room suddenly gathered around Team 1.86, making them exceedingly nervous. For a minute they stood in silence, holding their hands in prayer, but the Team screamed when they whipped out…nun-chucks. "In the name of the Lord, we must save brother Nabo from these heathens with love, amen!"

Koreki hissed as she pushed Nabo away, dodging one of the nun's attacks. Chiso screamed and dived under her blankets, hoping they would provide some sort of shelter. Tap whipped out his switchblade and fended off many of the Sisters by carving demonic symbols in the floor in front of him. Haku tossed needles every which-way until he could find no more on him. "Koreki! I'm out of senbon!"

"I got it!" Sa'am dumped his bowl of soup on the floor, "You can make ice and stuff, right?!? Use the soup!"

"Well I've never done it with –tomato soup-, but what the hell." Haku leapt away from an attacking Sister, landing behind the puddle. Making a symbol with one hand, he then kicked at the soup. The droplets formed into tomato-flavored needles, and then shot at the wave of holiness. There was much shrieking, but Haku and Sa'am shared a high-five in victory!

"Argh, there's a never-ending supply!" Tap continued to scrawl demonic symbols into everything around him, "Now what?!?"

"Chiso has a scroll!" Koreki was unable to get into her own pockets, blocking hits with her arms, "Steal it and use it!"

"Right!" Tap grabbed Chiso, who shrieked, then stole the scroll out of her pocket. Tap slit his wrist and smeared the blood across the paper, shouting, "I summon the evil within this scroll! Come forth and slaughter my enemies!"

With a loud chattering, everyone squealed as a big figure appeared in a puff of smoke. It was a giant set of teeth on some feet with little arms, and it screamed, "FEED THE TEETH!"

The carnage was so unspeakable it was forced to be omitted from this printing by order of the Hokage. We planted a tack on his chair later to make up for it. Heehee. Anyhow, there the team stood, with Nabo, looking at the mess.

"MY CHURCH! What… what have you done?!!"

"Yes…" Koreki smirked, "We've started… the invasion!"

"I-invasion?" Nabo trembled.

"We are taking over your silly country!" Koreki grabbed him up, "You will guide us to your capital, where we will destroy everything and thus take over! If you resist, I'll let my friend Haku here take care of you."

"I'll stick you like a pig and bleed you dry." Haku giggled sweetly.

"P-please! I'll help you… but… but only because that is my calling, to help those in need."

"Great!" Koreki pulled out a collar and snapped it around the man's neck, then put a leash on it. "I had intended this for Chiso, but you look mighty fine in it! Heh heh."

"Speaking of which!" Sa'am looked around, "Where is Chiso?"

"…well…" Tap mumbled, "I picked her up, took her scroll, and then tossed her…"

The children looked back at the blazing fire. They gasped in horror! Koreki slapped her forehead, "Well shit, you mean she's been turned into a yule log? Dammit! The Hyuuga clan is going to kill-"

"Hello, sir," Chiso was underneath a body, wriggling, "I think I am too young for this sort of situation, would you please let Chiso go!"

"Phew, Chiso's not dead, just really stupid." Sa'am pulled her out and everyone shared a hearty laugh. "Sensei! Let's stay here for the night!"

"Sounds like a great idea. Lead us to the beds, Brother!"

Nabo sighed, "This way…"

"The carnage is unspeakable…" Kakashi stood in the door to the church, holding his face, "This is disgusting…"

"DUDE, WE GOTTA MURDER THEM. BELIEVE IT!"

"Ssh, dumbass, you'll wake them up!" Sakura smacked him, then stole some more toast from his head. "This is much better than your kitsune, Naruto!"

"DUDE. DUDE. YOUR GONNA BE FAT! HAHAHA!"

"Why you!"

"Stop it!" Sasuke grumbled, "You guys look for survivors. I'll go find them." Before anyone could disagree, Sasuke headed for the back, finding some hallways. He could hear snoring, and he snuck up to a door and quietly opened it. Team 1.86 and their newest slave were asleep in the beds. Sasuke smirked, and then stepped in, slowly taking out a knife. He headed straight for Koreki, who had her arms around Haku. Sasuke pulled the blade up, ready for a direct hit. Down went the blade! It hit against the bedding as Koreki had flopped over onto Haku, who woke with a start. Sasuke gasped as Haku eyed him directly. "Uh… Don't mind me, sandman, delivering dreams!"

"You're that emochild from Hidden Leaf! Koreki, Koreki, wake up and get off me!"

"Snort- what?!?" Koreki sat up, the rest of the team groggily following. Sasuke laughed nervously and backed up for the door. "Hey, you! Stop right there!"

"Sorry, it was just a mistake." Sasuke put on a fake smile, "Really, I'll just be going…"

"Let's kill him!" Sa'am gleefully pulled out his own knife.

"Argh! That's alright, you'll never get your hands on me!" Sasuke made some hand symbols, and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were red, with comma-shaped swirls within them. He viciously eyed everyone with his Sharingan, then shouted, "I'll use my matrix powers on you!"

"…What?" Koreki blinked.

Bark! Akamaru bravely leapt off a pillow and charged at Sasuke. Sasuke made a few 'Whoosh!' noises and moved dramatically. Despite confusing the hell out of everyone, the 'technique' really didn't work as Akamaru sank his fangs into Sasuke's ankle. The boy yelled and pulled the dog off and tossed it away. Sa'am yelled, "How dare you hurt Akamaru!"

"Bring it, bitches." His eyes glowed demonically.

TO BE CONTINUED…

"Jesus Christ, sensei, that chapter was so freaking late! You promised it days ago!"

"Shut up, Sa'am."

"…but man, it was super lame!"

"Grr… if you kids want someone to blame, go blame Chiso!"

"We'll kill her!"

"Oh no! Don't hurt Chiso! Boohoo!"

"Maybe that'll buy me some time between the next chapters… dumbass kids."