NOTE: This is the last of the chapters. I know this ending seemed a bit rushed. But It could have taken up a lot of time and my exams are starting next week so I really have to wrap it up. Besides remember this story was supposed to be ten chapters.

CHAPTER: Snape's Worst Memory


Severus sat in his office. His head was pounding. Why was it so hard? Why did he doom himself to an existence without her? Why did he make that promise? Why did she have to make a son that was James in blueprint?

He had just caught Harry in the pensieve, rampaging through his memories, probably having a good laugh. It was a particularly bad one he saw, the one that had determined the nasty rocky course his life would take thereafter

Looking back on it he knew that the moment he called her a mudblood sealed his fate with her. It was sort of like a catch-22 because she became his friend because of it but she could never be his because it. He knew now why she entertained his affections for so long. Lily had meant to save him, save him from himself. And she had done so but to her own detriment.

He took up his wand and began to replace all the memories back in his head. All of them, everyone that contained Lily was the first set he put in there. He wanted them all back where they belonged as a reminder of his mistake and what he owed her.

He remembered the last time he spoke to her. And what she said to him.


"I can't help but think that I was responsible, that you joined them in defiance of me, because I wanted the exact opposite for you."

"No," he said, his eyes on the ground. "I would never do anything to spite you."

"So why," she asked. "All these years I have wondered."

Severus sighed. "Because I was running from you and how I felt about you, I guess I just ran too far away."

"I'd say…" she said with a slight laugh in her voice.

End flash back

She always had a way of trying to make people feel better. Even thought he deserved to be yelled at and be called every horrible name a dictionary could produce. It had taken her life being in certain danger for him to admit, accept how he felt about her and finally tell her.

"I worship the ground that you walk on, because you are heaven to me. The further I am from you the more I feel the need to hang on to memories that remind me of you. I was a fool to think that I could run form them, because I need them to survive."

He remembered how her eyes softened up with tears and how she touched his face with her soft delicate hands. It was the last time she touched him. He could still remember how it felt, like this incredible warmth rushing over him, melting the ice that had gathered around his soul.

He longed for her, he had been longing for her years but she would never come to him. Instead she left him with a painful reminder of what a huge mistake he had made. A reminder that she made him promise he would take off, a reminder that caused him more pain than he could possibly imagine. Why did she doom him to take care of the miniature version of the man who stole her affections away from him?

He finally understood his mother; he was more like her than he could know. He always thought that she was weak but now he understood how much strength it took to live without the one you love. He finally understood why she refused to take care of herself, because he had done the same thing. It was only through the guidance of Dumbledore did he come to accept what had happened and the role he played in it.

But he knew he was still not strong enough because at the slightest mention of her name and he would go back into that dark place and never want to come out. That was why he promised himself years ago that he would never say her name, never put her in his head.

But teaching Harry Occlumency had done just that. The boy had a longing to know his mother and it reminded him of his own longing for her. He had to fight very hard to keep control of his emotions, to not break down in tears. He would always have to respond to such emotions with anger because they were dangerous emotions to have. It was those emotions that lead the dark lord to her. If Harry wasn't careful, it would lead to his ruin too.

He couldn't accept that because he still had to keep his promise to her. He had some vein hope that when she met him again, perhaps in the afterlife she would be proud of him.


NOTE: Come on some reviews will be nice..

First Harry Potter fic I ever completed and longest one I ever wrote.