I kinda feel this one is sort of a re-tread of "Threat Level: Midnight," but it was so damn fun to write I figured I'd post it anyway. Hopefully the overall feeling of "Schrute-iness" will give it its own flavor. If you think otherwise, I completely understand. This one's just a ficlet until I can think up a way to have Rev Run marry Jim and Pam in some unlikely locale. In any event, here's:
Dwight K Schrute versus Army of Darkness:
The Ultimate Experience in American Workplace Horror
The Scarecrow was shaking against the wall, just begging the chosen of the Eldritch for mercy. "I didn't mean anything by it, Master Schrute," the Scarecrow sobbed, his long, bony legs knocking together like skittering crawl of those mind-controlling bugs from the one episode of Star Trek. "It was just a prank."
Dwight K Schrute, the Deadliest Man Alive, the self-made King of Odessa, sole Heir to the Throne of Essex, Justified Ancient of Mu-mu, and Favorite Son of the Dark God Mackiaill S'Kott, merely laughed. Anyone who begged for mercy from Dwight K Schrute simply did not know Dwight K Schrute.
"Then consider this my prank," Dwight K Schrute growled pulling the trigger on his enchanted rail-gun and letting loose an infinity stream of self-replicating exploding tip beat seeds deep into cowering Scarecrow.
"Hhggawkklll" the Scarecrow shuddered and shook and seized and Dwight K Schrute could not help but laugh again.
"Nice dancing, insubordinate one," he joked.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, the Scarecrow's mate ran up to Dwight K Schrute, pounding his chest furiously. "My husband! My husband!" she cried furiously.
She was of uncommon beauty, a fawn with a mane that was at once golden and red and several shades of browns and auburn. "Surely not much of husband," Dwight K Schrute bellowed, raising her chin with one of his powerful fingers "to allow himself to be killed so easily."
Her eyes were full of love as she threw herself on him. "Then... will you have me?"
Dwight K Schrute took a second to consider. Her appearance was indeed pleasing to him and it was about time he added a new female to his ever-growing harem. "Let it be so."
Tears of utter joy welled up in her virgin eyes as she embraced him again, this time as his beloved. Dwight K Schrute knew that look well, he had seen it in every female he had favored with his company, but still he never tired off seeing it anew.
Suddenly, she dug herself deeper into him and he could feel the familiar stench of fear emitting from her. It was a weakness one had to live with when one allowed a female into his stable, he knew, but he could not help but wonder what had caused it. For about a second.
"Hello, William," Dwight K Schrute roared into the darkness. "Nice to see you again."
King William the Bloody stepped first out of the shadows, followed soon after by nine score and thirty cohorts of thirty vampyre. "And hallo to you as well, Lord Schrute," William smiled, unable to restrain his respect for his more than worthy opponent. "Are you ready to die?"
Dwight K Schrute merely laughed. "No, are you ready to die?"
William raised his warstaff to a position of readiness. "I have lived for untold millennia and fought Hercules, Conan, and Dalton and I slew them all..." he growled, "but if I must die, then it would be an honor to die at your hands."
Dwight K Schrute nodded. "Then let's dance."
Jim Halpert tore himself away from the page to have a healthy bout of insane laughter. "How long is this thing?"
Pam checked the bottom of the screen. "Eleven thousand five hundred and nineteen pages."
"And this only Book Four," she hit the "Back" key, "he's got, like fourteen more on his website."
Jim read the titles with reverent disgust. "'Dwight K Schrute and the Tower of Dun-Darr,' 'Dwight K Schrute and Conquest of Angel Gateway,' 'Dwight K Schrute and the Problem of Halpertia...'"
"Ohmygod!" Pam gasped.
Jim jumped like a rabbit. "What?"
Pam brought her eyes, filled with a greater terror than any she had dared imagine, to Jim's. "He has a 'Mature Readers' section."
Jim paused for a couple minutes grapple with the unfathomable horror of it all. "Let us never look at it."
"Right," Pam agreed readily, closing the page with practiced fingers.
Rainn Wilson will be back in Dwight Schrute: Beyond Dunderdome