Author: A Markov
Title: If I Ran the World

Disclaimers: The names Drew Lipsky and Dr. Drakken are property of Disney corporation and are used here without permission or profit. The rhyming scheme and original concept was the brainchild of Ted Geisel. I only hope that I didn't screw it up too badly.


It's a pretty good world," Said young Lipsky, Drew P.
"And it's running alright, to a tolerable degree
But if I ran the world," Said young Lipsky, Drew P.
"I'd make a few changes, clean out the debris."

The presidents and leaders, and those kinds of Joes
Who run the place now, would all have to go.
You see things like that on any old rock
they're awfully old fashioned and, frankly, a crock.

So first thing I'd do is wipe the slate clean,
Get rid of the fossils, if you know what I mean.
And somewhere or other, I think I could find,
a much better leader. (Myself comes to mind.)

I'm sure that the peons will all grow to love me
but I'll need a name much nobler than "Drew P."
Perhaps I should call myself "Master" or "Proctor"
or just give myself a cool title like "Doctor"
A title like "Doctor," is really good but,
What should go with it? Doctor of what?

A thought then occurs; with devilish glee,
who needs to know where I got my degree?
I'll be running the world, the whole big shebang
and if anyone questions it, I'll have him hanged!
A really strong leader is what the world's lackin'
I'll give them a figure to worship called Drakken!

I'll turn my skin blue and acquire a scar.
I'll sail through the sky in a hovering car.
I'll hire some henchmen to keep me protected
And set up my lair where I won't be detected
Then find a nice girl to make coco-moo,
and that's just the start of the things that I'll do.

With my fearsome new name to strike terror around me,
And my scary new henchmen to pound those who clown me,
I'll take over the world and implement changes
From small things to big things throughout all the ranges
My clever ideas will astound and amaze
And soon, everyone will be singing my praise

The programs for homeless and jobless don't work;
I've got a remarkable plan with a quirk.
I'll employ all the jobless to start building flats
for the people who now live outside with the rats.

Then people will stand up and say from the heart
"This young Dr. Drakken, he sure is quite smart."
My new world, called "Drew-World" will make people talk
My new world, called "Drew-World" will make people gawk
At my brilliant solutions to everyday quandaries
like what should you do with your socks in the laundry.

I've come up with a way for socks to stay mated
a simple solution that's eas'ly instated
We'll put all our socks in a little mesh sack
and wash them as one thing so they'll all come back!

And that's just the start of my brilliant-ess-ness
my next great idea no one other could guess.
I'll change all the packages selling cream cheese
and proclaim that they all must be shaped as I please
No longer will cream cheese be blocks or like-things
From my very first day, sell it only in rings!

How the people will love me and laud my great name
"Breakfast," they'll now say "won't quite be the same."
From now on it's quicker, it's better, it's neat!
With rings of cream cheese for the bagels we eat."

For bathrooms I've come up with something quite spiffy
a new way to dry off your hands in a jiffy
the dryer becomes active (I'm really quite proud)
by a sinister laugh that's belted out loud!
Imagine yourself at the wall in the bath
Rubbing your hands- and perfecting your laugh,
As warm air blows dry, your hands that are clean!
The people will love it; they'll think I'm quite keen

And that's just the start of my wonderful plans
I've got thousands more, they'd fill the grandstands.
In my head all my thoughts they burn and churn.
Like a signal for cars when you want to U-turn,

I'll make it a law on my very first day
and all cars will have it without a delay
then everyone driving a car will say "Yay!"
'Cause turning will flow just like classic ballet

That's just the start of my fabulous plan
My rule soon will spread from here to Japan
I'll conquer the world with a certain élan
And have 'em all looking for something to kneel on
They'll praise my new thoughts and give 'em a whirl
And finally, by Jove, I can get me a girl!

She'll wow all the men when I take her to dinner
We'll dance through the night like a dance contest winner
And then when the sun's up she'll look in my eyes
And ask me to take her for burgers and fries
And I'll do it, by golly; I'll take her to eat
And when we get home she'll massage my sore feet.

And all of the losers who laughed at my back
And called me mean names and said that I lacked
Will have to bow down to me, smiling and scared
Pleading and begging their lives to be spared
And I might spare them, I might set them free
I also might make them watch Barney TV

And TV's another thing that I'll improve
I'll turn it around, break it out of its groove
With a brand new great show that everyone sees
Fights to the death between mean celebrities

We'll put Simon and Rivers alone in a tank
We'll close all the doors and throw in a shank
The cameras will capture the blood and the gore
And no one will notice I've conquered some more.
By now I'd have Asia in my new domain
Then I'd move west toward England and Spain

My realm will increase by leaps and by bounds
And people will say that my genius astounds
They'll wonder aloud about where it all ends
And I can just chuckle and say to them "Friends,
This world I am running is just the beginning,
Next is the moon!" that'll set their heads spinning.

"Hurray!" they will cheer and raise me up high
"Hurray, for Doc Drakken! A fabulous guy!"
They'll stage a parade through the streets of Bombay;
And give me Buckingham Palace as my place to stay.
I'll march through the lands with my banners unfurled,
Yeah, I'd make a few changes, if I ran the world.


Author's Note: This concept presented itself like most plot bunnies, from left field with no warning. I tried to be true to both Ted's genius and Dr. D's personality. I've been thinking of making this a series of these, each in a voice of a different member of the Kim Possible cast. Now would be a perfect time to stop the insanity, drop me a review.