been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since i could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's Been A While – Staind
I don't own the characters, Stephanie Meyer does.
Thanks to Addie for betaing for me like always.
There is something about taking someone else's life that is so powerful, so enticing. Even now, as I sat in the car with Alice and she put miles between what I had done, what I had taken, I could still remember everything that I did.
There was the moment when the warmth of his blood seeped into my palm, when I could feel his heartbeat slowing beneath my finger tips. During that moment I felt amazing, like I was floating on a high that would never end. I loved it. I loved that feeling so much that my mind wouldn't let me forget about it; my body was singing and calling for another taste of it.
Alice kept staring at me out of the side of her eyes like any moment now I was going to open the door and tear into the nearest human. I could lie and say that this wasn't a tempting idea, that my mind hadn't crossed the idea of possibly abandoning my diet and going on a more natural course, but then I would hear his voice in my ears. I would hear the people who had obviously loved him calling his name in the woods and I couldn't.
I didn't want to be any more of a monster than I already was. I felt so ashamed that when Alice said we were going to go meet up with the others I could barely look her in the eye. Would they hate me too? I had obviously just ruined a place that to them was so special that they called it home. What about Edward? Would he still want to kiss me like he did that night out in the forest, now that he could still taste the sweet blood of a human on my tongue?
Alice pulled the car to a halt on the edge of a forest, the trees looming ahead of us. I couldn't help but wonder why, of all places, would she bring me back to a forest. My hunger was satiated for now. The burning and fire in my throat had receded.
"Alice..." I started.
"Not now Bella. Give me a moment."
Her tone of voice stung, but I shut up anyways. She had a right to be angry with me; after all, I had put her in this situation. She reclined her seat all the way back and put her fingers to her temples, rubbing in slight circles. She looked completely relaxed and serene… and then it happened. Her body just froze. Her fingers stopped moving, her breath hitched, and her muscles seized.
I waited, waited for her to give me some type of reaction, waited to see if there was something wrong with her that I needed to fix. I vaguely remembered Edward telling me that this was how Alice's power worked. That she went into a trance, just like myself, that she couldn't be pulled until her vision was done.
I waited for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only a few moments. When she came back from it she rubbed her temples gently with her fingers and turned towards me.
"Come on, we have to move. They will be here soon."
I couldn't help but wonder who they were. Where they the family members of this person whose life I had taken or were they the people who would no longer want to call me one of their own? I was scared to go with Alice because I didn't want to know what was going to happen in the end. I didn't want to have to stand the rejection of Edward and his family after I had been dealt the cards of this new life.
I followed Alice through the clearing slowly. We weren't moving fast, but we weren't moving slow enough for humans to keep up with us either. The trees brushed gently against my skin; they felt so soft like silk.
Alice stopped moving, her hands going up in a silent signal for me to stop too. I strained my ears to listen, to hear what she thought she had heard. I looked at her strangely.
"Sorry, I thought I heard something," she said softly, her voice barely audible.
"Who are we waiting for?" I asked quietly.
"Our family." She replied and gave me a small grin.
"Our family?" I asked incredulously.
She shot me a cross look. "Of course our family Bella, who else would I be talking about?"
I looked at her baffled for a moment. "You mean you guys would still want me to be included in your family after what I've just done?"
"Bella, we all make mistakes. This lifestyle that we have chosen isn't the easiest of paths and we all know that. There have been times when certain members have floundered against our morals or completely thrown them away all together. I am not saying this is going to be easy because it's not, especially now that you've had a taste of our real food."
I stood next to her, absorbing her words, letting them seep all the way into my body, all the way to the soles of my feet.
"I... really want to be a part of your family Alice. It's just…" I started, but trailed off. "its just hard, you know? I've left everything behind. I don't have my mom anymore. I don't have Charlie anyone. Hell, I can't even fully have my own identity anymore, and for that one moment when his blood touched his lips, when he was begging me to stop, I felt whole." I turned and looked at her directly in the eyes, "Does that make me a monster? I feel like one. What type of person…" I scoffed at my own words and revised my sentence, "thing am I, that I enjoy inflicting so much pain on others?"
"Bella you're not a monster, it's who we are. By choosing to do what we do, we are fighting against every cell in our body. We aren't suppose to do this. We aren't suppose to tempt ourselves and endanger our secret or all the humans every day, but that's who we are. We can't imagine moving everyday because we are suspected of some murder, some crime. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, that one day you will wake up and you won't crave blood and you won't want to feel that amazing feeling, but it won't go away. You just have to fight it."
I felt Alice's hand wrap around my own; our pale fingers glittering against the sunlight that was poking through the trees.
"Where are we?" I asked, choosing to change the subject for at least a moment.
She lets go of my hand and in a flash was in the center of the field. "Welcome to Cullen Stadium."
"Yes, this is where we go when we lived in Forks and wanted to play baseball or football or just be rowdy. We are so far back in the woods that no one will come and bother us. Out here it is a lot easier to just be ourselves."
I smiled at Alice as she twirled around in a circle. Her skirt was flapping around her small pale ankles, her hands raised towards the sky, her skin glistening like a gem. She looked like an angel. She was something so small, so innocent, that no one would ever think she had the ability to kill someone with the palm of her hand. No one would think that she had the ability to pick up a car and throw it over her head like some super hero.
"Come on Bella, join me! We have a while before they'll get here."
So I walked towards her in the middle of the field. Our hands intertwined as I reached her side and we she spun me around with her, with the sun beating down on us, warming our skin. After a few moments Alice laid down and patted the spot next to her.
"It will all be okay Bella, it will all be okay."
I nodded my head without looking at her. My eyes slid shut on their own accord and that's where we sat, waiting for our family to come join us.
it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
She returns! I am back.. sorta? Updates maybe be slow. I am still getting my Twilight legs back here. I think my writing has changed since… previous writing. I have kinda found my own niche, my own little style. So I am sorry for those who don't like this new improved (I think) writing Sasha, but I hope you guys will stay for the conclusion of the story. There are only like two chapters left or something like that... possible sequel... if I want to get into the endeavor.
Thanks for reading. Review if you please.