Title: Hate Me
Author: Wil Scott
Rating: T-harsh language
Disclaimer: Nothing SN belongs to me, just borrowing for the sake of my sanity.
A/N: Hey all, after last night's episode, I had too many questions running through my head, along with some closure issues. Apparently, some friends felt the same way. ;-) So, I couldn't get my brain to settle down and concentrate on my current fic until I got this out of my head. I tribute this little snippet to Blue October's song- "Hate Me". I hope you all enjoy my rambling. All mistakes are mine. Sorry, no beta.
A/N/N: There is a website in the construction stages where the stories from The Brotherhood will be housed. You can find the address on my profile page. I hope to have the new, updated version running soon. Thanks for your patience.
Summary: Tag-on for Born Under a Bad Sign (2/08/007).
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
Blue October- "Hate Me"
The silence in the Impala was deafening. The two brothers had said not a word in the last 30 minutes and the radio even lay silent in the night. Something very unusual for the Winchesters, but considering the turmoil they had just experienced, a possible omen of the still waters running deep.
Sam Winchester stared at the nondescript trees and bushes lining the highway. He wasn't really seeing them. For some reason, his mind kept replaying the horrible moments of the last week. Starting with the eyes of man he had never met. A complete innocent, at least in the world of supernatural. He was someone insignificant yet he had made the ultimate impression on the young Winchester when his dying light of this world lit up Sam's world.
Then the uncharacteristic hatred and advancement on another hunter. Albeit, a hunter he had parted with on ill terms, but the cruelty with which he made his mark gave the man shivers. He then let his eyes roll toward the ultimate betrayal; Dean. The one, single constant he had always had, who was now shot, bleeding, bruised, and mad as a Hell hound.
Sam knew Dean didn't hold his actions against him. Well, not completely. The demon inside him was so much more than a metaphor at this moment that Winchester couldn't hold back the laugh. The one thing he had been terrified of happening, had happened, but it wasn't even what he had expected.
The bastard or bitch, if demons had gender, had taken his body and used it to try and destroy Dean. But what had really happened was a destruction of another kind. The annihilation of hope. He still didn't remember everything and from the looks of his brother, he was extremely glad of that. However, he did need something from his brother, especially after his latest revelation.
'Dad told me I'd have to kill you if I couldn't save you, Sam, but that's never going to happen because I'll try with my last breath to save you.'
"Why would you say that, Dean?" The question startled the Impala's driver. Dean jerked the steering wheel sharply, but thankfully his injury had made him cautious with his driving and the car was barely reaching the speed limit.
The older Winchester chanced a quick glance to Sam before returning his pain filled gaze back to the open road.
"Say what, Sammy?" Dean sighed, knowing the conversation he had been trying to avoid was about to bite him in the ass.
Sam straightened his slouched body from the seat and turned his full attention to Dean. "You would try and save me no matter the consequences to you or anyone else."
Dean reached up with his right hand and rubbed his throbbing shoulder, allowing his left hand to keep the car steady on the pavement. He massaged the damaged area and let his mind take a few minutes to weigh his response.
He knew from the moment his dad had told him about Sam that his goal was simply to save Sam, end of story. He had been doing it for as long as he could remember and it was never going to stop, but he somehow couldn't get Sam to understand that. A long suffering sigh escaped the weary man.
Dean saw a sign for a 24 hour truck stop ahead and decided he needed to rest his abused body. He pulled into the parking lot feeling his brother's intense gaze still boring into the side of his skull. "In a minute, Sam."
The Impala's roar echoed in the night as it disappeared, leaving an even more ominous sound in its wake. The sound of painful silence.
The Winchester brothers sat staring at the dark side of the all night restaurant, neither attempting to move from their positions.
"I don't know how to do anything else, Sam." Dean settled himself back against the seat, letting his head recline and his eyes slide shut. "I've been fighting so many things for so long, I don't know how to just give up." He let his head slide to the side and his eyes open to rest on Sam's partially illuminated face. "The night mom died I was given something I didn't know would mean so much to me and because of that, I made a promise to never lose it." A slight gasp of pain interrupted the older Winchester and the car fell once more with silence.
"What was it?" Sam slouched into the seat again, feeling the pressure of his guilty soul pressing heavily on his shoulders.
Dean's glassy eyes waited until Sam's green ones locked with his, "you."
The simple word fell like an anvil on the conversation. Sam knew from his brother's previous revelations about John placing him in the child's arms and of Dean's protection as they were growing up in an unorthodox family with a less than dependable parent. But the simple disclosure of how important he really was to his brother had the man breathless.
The car was closing in on him and he couldn't think or breathe. He pushed the passenger door open with vigor and jumped out, needing to put distance between Dean and him. He slammed the door and began walking toward the darkened area next to the building. The idea that his life could be so detrimental on another's was too much.
Sam stopped next to the wall and let his forehead rest against the cool brick. He vaguely heard a door open and shut, but his heart was playing a drum solo so loud in his head, he couldn't distinguish outside sounds. He felt like crying. No, he felt like screaming. Yelling at the top of his lungs that he wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth Dean's life. Ever.
A hand came to rest on his shoulder and it was as if a rubber band had snapped in his soul. Everything he was feeling came rushing out of him. He swung around and faced his worst fear.
"WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU HATE ME?" Sam stepped back from the startled man and threw his arms out to his side. "Don't you see? This whole damn thing is my fault. Mom's death, your fucked up life, Dad's shitty upbringing. It's all because of me being a chosen one." Sam's breath was coming in hard pants and his arms were swinging wildly around him. "All you have to do is fucking hate me for screwing up your life, trying in all ways possible to kill you, and then take what you deserve, Dean. You deserve to live and have a life. Don't you get it?"
Sam stopped his impassioned speech long enough to seek out his brother's face and almost crumbled at the stricken look he found. Dean was propped on the brick wall, apparently the only reason he was still standing and he was cradling his left arm in his right hand.
His face was a ghostly pale and the bruising gave it an even more ghastly image. Sam swallowed hard, not knowing what to say or do now that his tirade had ended. He slowly walked over to the older Winchester and hovered a few feet from him. He watched the slow play of emotions cross his brothers face and waited.
It wasn't a long wait. The final emotion lining Dean's face had Sam backing up a couple of more steps. The look made him slightly nervous.
Dean pushed away from the wall and made the short journey to his brother, stopping when they were toe to toe. His breath was slow and deep, indicating a slow burn was going on deep inside the hunter.
He stared into the face he could recall better than his own and tried to calm himself enough to answer the asinine fool in front of him. The recent rant had him seething.
"Who the Hell do you think you are?" Dean stepped closer, not caring about any personal space at this point in time. "Who the FUCK do you think you are?" He stabbed the younger man hard in the chest. "You have no right to tell me what to feel. It's my damn life and if I wanted to change it, I would. Do you understand me?" He pushed Sam hard, causing him to stagger back two more steps.
"I told you that we are in control of our own lives, Sam. We make choices and yes, we have to live with those choices, but they are ours to make." Dean leaned back slightly, feeling his recent injuries vying for his attention. "No matter what you say or do, there is no fucking way I can hate you. Do you understand that?" He saw a slight shake of Sam's head, but it wasn't good enough. "Listen carefully, because I don't want to have this fucking conversation again." He let his body travel back until he felt the solid wall behind him. "I hate many things in this world and yes, even some people, but I can never hate you. You're my family and that's everything to me. It's the only thing. I will do everything to protect that because that's what I want. You didn't keep me from having a life, Sammy. You're not God or the Devil. You're a man who has been dealt some shitty hands. Plain and simple. You want to keep wallowing in this self-pity, fine, you do that. But don't expect me too. Every day I'm given a chance to change what is going on in this fucked up world, and until the Reaper finally gets me, I'll keep doing it. You finally hear me?" Dean's body sagged as the last of his adrenaline induced speech fled out of him.
He almost laughed at the deer in the headlights look adorning Sam's face, but couldn't muster the energy. Instead, he carefully pulled himself away from the wall and started to make his way toward the restaurant doors. He needed something to take the edge off his pain, both physical and emotional. He had taken three steps when Sam's broken voice stopped him.
Those two words cut the tension that had been hanging for a long time between the brothers. Dean glanced back over his good shoulder and locked onto eyes swimming with unshed tears.
"I'm sorry for everything. All the times I've taken you for granted and all the times I've hurt you." Sam stepped up beside Dean, gently grasping the older hunter's right elbow in his hand. "I can't promise to never ask you to stop me if I turn evil, Dean, but I will promise you this. I will fight with everything I have to keep it from happening." Sam let a small smile grace his face when he felt his brother relax in his grip. "As long as I have you around to keep kicking my ass and taking my shit, I know I'll be fine." The smile grew to a grin when Dean threw an incredulous glare his way.
"This is the last damn time I'm letting you hit me. You took your raincheck shot and a few more, so now it's all fair game." A lopsided grin graced Dean's face, as he allowed Sam to lead him toward the diner. He heard a mock groan echo from his brother, so he paused and raised a questioning brow at him.
Sam looked down and then back at his brother, the most pitiful look was on his face. "After what's happened are you going to keep the weapons away from me?" After a two second beat, a devilish glee entered the younger brother's eyes.
Dean rolled his eyes heavenwards and shook his head. "That's a damn good idea."
The two had reached the double doors as the sun was topping the mountain, casting a faint glow over the land. "I wouldn't blame you, you know." Sam pulled the door open and waited for Dean to enter, but his brother had stopped and was watching him.
Dean searched Sam's face, trying to find some hint of a joke but found none. He sighed at the other man's lack of getting the point. "For the last fucking time, let it GO." The older Winchester shook his elbow from Sam's grasp and started through the door.
As Sam watched Dean's slow gait move in front of him, he felt a sudden weight lift from his shoulders. The thing that scared the Hell out of him earlier was now a feeling of comfort. Not everyone had the opportunity to know unconditional love, but Sam Winchester suddenly felt him being a chosen one had nothing to do with demons or the supernatural. It was a simple blessing called Dean Winchester.