Author's notes: I do not own Tolkien. Simple as that. This is part one of four.

I Remember When...

I remember the Great Music well. You stood beside me and sang with such grace and beauty.

I remember when He Who Arises in Might created a discord; you still remained next to me and sang with perfect harmony to my music.

I remember you never left my side during the Great Song. Your voice blended well with mine. I remember it well.

I remember when we clad ourselves in bodies and descended into the world. I, a Maia of Kementári and you, a Maia of Mahal.

I remember seeing you in his forge. I was on my way to her gardens when I saw you. You worked so diligently and so hard. Little did any of us know, the knowledge you gained would come back to haunt us all.

I remember getting to know you better. You were so kind, so gentle, and yet a fire burned within you. Was this a warning then? Of what was to come?

I remember a festival well. It has been on my mind since it happened. You ignored me for a week before this festival. You wouldn't even talk to me when I came to visit you in the forge.

I remember the day of this festival. I had become distraught and sad. I thought you were my friend, I thought you wouldn't ignore me, at least not on a festival day. You didn't show up to the festival until late, and when you saw me you ran to me. You embraced me and danced with me under the light of the Two Lamps.

I remember you gave me something. You told me you had been working on it for weeks. It was an eloquent broach in the shape of a leaf. You clipped it to my dress and I never took it off.

I remember the festival clearly. You danced with me, you kissed me, you said you loved me. Was it all a lie? Was it never meant to be? You said you felt sorry for ignoring me during the week. You claimed it was because you were making my present. Was this true? Or did you lie?

I remember our last night together. You held me close. You asked me if I would do anything for you. I nodded and said I loved you. But you didn't say it back. I didn't know it was to be our last night at the time, but now with clearer eyes, I see the deception.

I remember waking up in a panic. The light was gone, the beautiful glorious light. Did you have a hand in it? I know the Mighty One did. I never spoke to you again. You left our home, you left the beauty. You left me.

I remember crying on the next festival. The Two Lamps were but a distant memory and now the Two Trees lit our days. I remembered you at this festival. I still wore the broach; it was my last item that reminded me of you.

I remember dancing with other Maiar. I even danced with someone that reminded me of you; he also had a fiery spirit.

I remember the lights going out. The darkness brought back so many unwanted memories. The darkness brought back pain and a feeling of terror.

During the confusion, new problems arose. A Kinslaying occurred and oaths were formed. I remember standing on the shore, watching the stolen ships set sail for Middle-earth. My dress and hair fluttered in the wind and I placed my hand over the broach. Did you still think of me? As much as I thought of you?

I remember the many years that passed. When the Mighty One was brought back in chains, I hoped you would come back too. But, alas, you did not. Eönwë informed me about your decision. He told me you did repent but you ran once he told you about punishment in Valinor. Why did you run? I still thought of you many nights. The broach remained pined against my breast. I loved you.

I remember everything you did during the Second Age. All those innocent Númenóreans you killed. I not only cried for them, I cried for you. After you destroyed the island, you destroyed my image of you. You were no longer the same Maia who gave me the broach.

I remember the end of the Second Age well. I saw the Last Alliance battle against you first hand. Do you remember a sword? No, not Isildur's sword, my sword. I know it caught your attention. I brought it with me when I snuck off to Middle-earth to help. That sword was yours; it belonged to you, my love. It was the first sword you created in Aulë's forge. I know you looked at it with wonder. Could you even remember?

I remember the end clearly. I know I was never a good fighter, but I didn't think it would be you who would do me in. Do you remember it, my love? I'm sure you didn't. You killed many that day, why would you remember mine? I faced you in hand-to-hand combat, but it didn't last long. I remember the pain when your mace lodged itself into my side. My sword fell, and so did I.

I remember my end. No, your mace did not directly kill me. It was an orc who stepped on my neck as I lay drowning in my own blood. I left then, and returned to Valinor.

I remember Yavanna's emotion when I returned. I told her all that happened in detail. I broke down into sobs and she comforted me. She sent me to live with Nienna and so I did. Nienna cared for me, she cried with me. She held me like she would a small child. Nienna became my only companion for many years.

I remember your destruction at the end of the third age. Not only did I cry for all the deaths at your hand, but also I cried for you. I loved you.

I remember your trial in the Máhanaxar. I stood with some fellow Maia at the entrance waiting for the news. Melian held me as sobs racked my body as I waited for news.

I remember when they led you out. Your head was still held high with pride. I guess not even The High King of Arda could make you see your wrongs. As soon as I saw you, I cried. Do you remember the Maia who cried? I know you looked at me. Instead of the eyes that held a fire, as well as a gentle and loving soul, all that was there was pride, anger and deceit…the one I loved was gone. You were gone.

I remember when you were thrown into the Void. No surprise, I cried. It was the last time I ever saw you. You felt no shame. What were you thinking before you entered the Void? Where any of those thoughts about me?

Many years have now passed; your destruction is but a memory. You are no longer talked about and there is nothing in Middle-earth to cause trouble anymore. Do you remember the Halfling who caused your downfall? Well he lives on Tol Eressëa now. Your ring caused him much damage. For that one reason alone, I hate you. But I still love you. I always will.

Maybe the Second Music of Ainur will be different. Maybe we will be together. Fate is so unkind. Maybe we'll have a happy ending, just like Aragorn and Arwen. I love you, but I hate you too. Why, oh why, did you listen to the Fallen One? Our lives could have been so much different.

Maybe…just maybe…

I should have never loved you.