Carpe Noctis : Seize the Night

Bakageta

Spoilers: none.

Summary: Rukia tries her hand at cooking, Ishida finds something unexpected in his bed, and Ichigo just wants to go to sleep. Mild IchiRuki.

Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me, if you wish to know why read on…

-THUNK-

It was three in the morning. Ichigo was asleep.

-THUMP-

Or at least he would have been, if not for the incessant noise coming from the kitchen. Months ago he would have thought that the house was being burglarized, but now-

-WHACK-

His suspiciously open, empty closet told him all he needed to know.

Grudgingly, Ichigo pulled himself out of the appealing warmth of his bed and trudged down the stairs. All the while he prayed for any kind, benevolent Kami to take pity upon him and keep his family from waking.

-BAM-

"What the hell are you doing!?" He whispered harshly when he found Rukia inside the wall cabinet that contained the kettle, blender, and all kinds of small electrical kitchen appliances. The toaster was lying in pieces on the floor.

"I'm making cocoa." She stage-whispered back, as if making cocoa at three a.m. was the most unremarkable thing in the world.

Ichigo took a moment for his still sleepy brain to process what Rukia had said. If she were any normal girl who just happened to live in his closet she would be joking, but this was Rukia and she could be nothing else but completely serious.

"Why, exactly, do you need a goddamn cup of cocoa!?" 'at freaking three in the morning' his tone added.

"My throat's sore." She said, giving him one of her 'you-cannot-possibly-be-this-stupid-and-still-remember-how-to-breathe' looks.

"And...?"

"I'm making cocoa to soothe it." she said, hopping down nimbly from the cabinet with the blender in one hand and cooking alcohol in the other.

"Do you even know how to make cocoa?" Ichigo asked skeptically, saving the question of how a gigai could have a sore throat for a saner hour.

"Of course I do!"

"Then why do you have those?" Ichigo asked, gesturing towards the blender and cooking alcohol.

"Obviously," Rukia said, crossing her arms superiorly and somehow managing to look down on Ichigo. "You are unaware of the correct way to make a throat soothing chocolate beverage!"

"Whatever," Ichigo said rolling his eyes, it was way too early to fight a losing argument, "I'm gonna go see if you woke anyone up banging around in here. Don't blow anything up."

"Phfft, as if I would do something so stupid as blowing up a kitchen." Rukia said as Ichigo left the room.

Ichigo wisely made no comment.

"Now, to business." She said and briskly began to open the cabinets that she hadn't been able to open before Ichigo interrupted her. She picked out the ingredients and appliances she thought she needed as she found them. After a minute of rummaging she had added a saucepan, milk, a bag of baking chocolate, both baking powder and soda, a wooden spoon, and a packet of aromatic herbs to her original two items.

She set all the items on the counter except for the saucepan, which she set on the Kurosaki's gas stove and the chocolate, which was melted in the saucepan. The blender was then set up following the clear, simple directions on the blender itself. A pint of milk, half of both the baking soda and baking powder packages, another pint cooking alcohol, the herb packet, and another cup of milk, for good measure, was added together into the blender. Then, following instructions, the blender concoction was mixed into a lumpy, alcoholic goo that was vaguely liquid in form. The blender glop was then added to the melted chocolate in the saucepan until it was nearly overflowing.

Rukia began to stir the blender glop and the melted chocolate, careful to not spill any of either from the dangerously full saucepan. However, no matter how she stirred the glop refused to merge with the chocolate and vice versa.

In the Soul Society several Shinigami were known for their outstanding patience, among them the Captains of the fourth and thirteenth divisions. Rukia, however, was not counted among those of extreme patience. It is thought that the following events would have never occurred had she been more tolerant or had known how to actually cook, whichever comes first.

Rukia, spurred by the glop and chocolates refusal to unite, had begun to stir more violently as seconds passed until a large amount spilled over the side of the saucepan. The huge quantity of alcohol contained in the goo managed to light the stove on fire. Ichigo, poor bastard, arrived downstairs in time to witness the conflagration's birth and cover the remaining distance yelling profanities.

Ichigo grabbed Rukia around the waist and ran back out of the kitchen. He waited outside the doorjamb. Seconds before Rukia would have begun to struggle there was a loud whump effectively silencing any complaint the small Shinigami had.

"I'll get the Kiokuchikan." Rukia said, wide eyed.

Ichigo made no response as he surveyed the damage. The whole room was blackened. All that was left of the unfortunate stove was scrap metal and water was spouting from a hole in the counter where the sink had once been. Rukia better have a damn good explanation for literally blowing up the kitchen.

Ishida Uryuu lay coughing on the floor where he had landed after rolling off of his bed when his ceiling had crashed down around him. As the dust cleared the stars cast enough light for the Quincy to see the damage done to his ceiling. He shivered in the cold night air, and wished he had worn more than boxers to bed.

The night sky was shining through a three foot diameter hole loose boards and shingles silhouetted in the dim light. He turned his attention to his damaged bed.

There, almost exactly where he had been laying, was a near pristine stainless steel sink. It looked innocuous enough and, had it not nearly crushed his head, Uryuu would have found it slightly amusing.

"Where the hell did that come from…?" Uryuu muttered, shocked out of his usual politeness.

He would find out later from the news that one of Kurosaki Isshin's eternal rivals from med school had supposedly rigged the stove to explode and had managed not to leave a trace. Supposedly.


A?N: Yes a blatant disregard for anything even remotely resembling the laws of physics. Inspired by an authors note at the bottom of ch 5 of one of the most awesome IchiRuki storys ever. Though for the life of me I can't remember what it's called.

About the Title: I used an online translator. If it's not what I said it was please, for the love of god, tell me and I'll change it. I know nothing of Latin.

EDIT: I was wrong, and the title error has been fixed. A great big thank you to Midnight Sailor at msn dot com who gets a one shot of their choice.