The Repair Manual:
Things That Aren't Broken,
And Breaking Things That Aren't Fixed.
He stared blankly out of the window of the room he was currently in, in much the same way a bird gazes longingly between the bars of its cage longing for escape.
Being held captive by the Weasleys was not something anyone expected of the savior of the world. Sure, they all expected him to wed Ginevra Weasley in a brilliant summer ceremony beneath the twittering birds, before leaving to a passionate night of consummation that would hopefully yield a little Potter or two in 9 months.
However, Harry Potter had quickly come to realize what the world expected of him, and what he wanted, were rarely the same, if at all remotely similar.
His nobility was the only thing actually holding him in the room as a tie was wrapped around his neck, and the dress robes were placed over his shoulders. If he had the urge, he could escape from everyone in the room and waltz from the property with nothing more than the threat of fighting his way out. And as the second hand ticked along, Harry was finding his "nobility" decreasing along with the time until the ceremony.
But as he glanced up to the clock, noting it was five minutes until the ceremony in which he was to marry Ginevra Weasley, he grinned a sort of grin that was completely out of place on his "heroic" visage. He adjusted his collar, ran his fingers through his hair, winked at himself in the mirror, and turned to the door, leaving the words he spoke in the room as he walked out of it.
"Does anyone have objections as to why these two should not be joined in holy and binding eternal love and matrimony?" The Ministry worker, Jacob Townsend, doing the ceremony barely paused at all as he said this, fully expecting no objections. However, he was shocked into choking on his next words as he prepared to move on, as the overwhelming response to his question took full effect on the attendees of the wedding.
"…Mr. Potter? You object?" Mr. Townsend asked, as if the question itself was blasphemous to ask. The people who had been watching the ceremony with tears beginning in their eyes at the eventual marriage, were knocked from their false emotion and pretenses of giving a damn at all by the answer Harry gave.
"Well…um…hmm…on what grounds?" Jacob was mentally near tears. His biggest marriage to date, the most highly publicized one in recent Wizarding history, and here he was, in clear view of the world as photographs were snapped of the three at the threshold, as the groom objected to the marriage he himself was part of. And as he turned to look at Harry awaiting the answer to the question he just asked, his heart sank and a scream clawed at his throat at the smirk on the dark-haired man's face.
"How long ya got? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm paying for this, so you have until I'm done. Well…Let's see…" Harry tapped his finger on his chin while gazing up and off into the sky, as if in deep thought. "Well, let's see. First of all, there's the fact that the whole 'Lily and James Volume II' thing we have going here just doesn't work for me. There's cliché, and then there's this. Also, I will not contribute to the belief that the world, and all subsequent relationships and existences revolve around the Weasleys. One Big Happy Weasley Family be damned, if the rest of the world is in love with red hair, freckles, and a mate with feelings of being owed something by the world, that's fine, but it's not for me."
He paused for a second, waving his arm, his wand strapped under his wrist and inside his jacket coat. He cast a silencing charm on everyone in the audience, because he could see some people having the sudden urge to speak, and he had stayed up all the night before writing this, and he wasn't going to miss his chance to voice it.
"Secondly, there's this white dress thing. I mean, come on. This is Ginny we're talking about here…she's about as qualified to wear white on her wedding day, as Hermione is qualified to join the Blood Purist faction and lead it. I mean, lets be honest here The girl's ridden more pieces of hard wood than a professional broom tester, if you know what I mean." Ginny was, for her part, looking as if the world was crashing down around her, but it was clear in her eyes that she hadn't acted sooner because she couldn't decide whether she wanted to hex Harry, to just haul off and hit him. A wave of his hidden wand, and she was paralyzed for the time being. He had a lot to say, after all. "For the record, there will be no "Little Potters" running around in nine months. However, there will be some Little…um…someones, running around, in about seven. Kid sure isn't mine, but there's one coming, and in all my chivalry, I agreed to this whole thing to protect her 'virtue'…well, I would have, if it was at all possible Ginny had any to save…Molly, don't look at me like that, everyone knows its true…the only holes virgin on Ginny are her nostrils.
"Also, you all can't force me to marry her. That's all you've been trying to do since Voldemort's death, hold me to things said long time past. I understand you care about her happiness, but what about mine? Hell, what about my wants, and my decisions? You all live your lives for your family, and your family lives for you. I don't have a family, a true family, so I live for myself, and I have to watch out for myself. I've given my all to make sure this world can continue without problem, and now its time for me to be happy, dammit!
"And marrying Ginevra Weasley is at the very bottom of the list of things that would make me happy, just below fighting Voldemort again, and just above being in a homosexual threesome with Malfoy and Snivellus. Eww…the thought of that has just given me a stomach ache, wow."
Despite the silencing charm, Harry could swear he heard the noises of dissent from the words he just spoke. All they did was draw another smirk across his face as he realized if that was the case, what he was about to say would probably lead to a collective coronary among the audience.
"And finally, I can't marry Ginny. Because, assuming none of these plans worked, I went and got an insurance policy last night to prevent it. Because, you see, Ginny can't be my wife, because, as of last night, I'm already married." And the collective intake of breath actually seemed to have a real impact on the air in the area, and Harry broke the silencing charm just so he could hear the results of when the shock wore off.
He wasn't let down, as Molly looked fit to be tied, Bill's eye was twitching, Charlie looked ready to breathe fire, and Ron was visibly shaking. Fred and George were standing in the back, identical eyebrows raised, as they had been partially informed to hear Harry out ahead of time. Hermione stood to the back with her arms crossed, and seemed be unable to decide which extreme to take, but the quirk of her lips said she was leaning toward uproarious laughter, as it had been she who was walking with Harry when they caught Ginny with someone else.
"Yes, quite right, Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Lived, He-Who-Conquered, Bachelor of the Year, and Winner of Most Glamorous Smile Award," He paused here and flashed a great big smile to the crowd, "Is taken. Come on out!" He said the last part louder than conversationally, and from next to him, there was a rustling of a cloth as his own invisibility cloak was pulled off of someone standing right next to Harry.
And her appearance finally cemented the reactions of the Weasley family, as Molly clutched at her heart and fell into a dead faint, Ron exhaled sharply and sat in his seat heavily, Bill literally had several blood vessels burst in his eye, and Charlie went into a coughing fit. Fred and George looked to each other with a bright light in their eyes before beginning to laugh so hard they collapsed on each other, and Hermione finally decided which side of the fence she was on, as she laughed to herself and clapped her hands gently as she walked back toward the twins.
Ginny Weasley's head was spinning. This was supposed to be the best day of her life, but yet, here she was, made a fool of in front of friends, family, and the large group of press Harry himself had invited along. She finally figured out why he had done that. Tears longed to leave her eyes, as she looked at Harry, but as her eyes rolled over to the woman standing next to him, all wants of tears and even revenge evaporated, as she simply collapsed to her knees as she shook, unsure if she was shaking from tears or anger, as Harry took hold of the woman's hand.
"Have a great day, you all. I'm off to enjoy the rest of my honeymoon, I promised this as a wedding gift to my new bride, now we're off to have a great time! Please, stay, enjoy the cake, the music, dance about, the hall is reserved until midnight, please feel free to use it!" And with that, Harry turned to the woman who turned out to be his wife. "Well Daphne, shall we be off?"
"Yes Harry, I do believe we shall." Daphne Potter nee Greengrass agreed, smiling brightly in her sparkling Slytherin Green dress that she had worn strategically for this occasion. And pulling him close to her, Daphne smiled up at Harry before flipping off the now sobbing Ginny behind Harry's back.
"Have a nice day, Weasleys, sorry I won't be an official part of your family like you all wanted so badly, well…I'm not actually sorry. Salut!" And with the soft popping sound of displaced air and apparation, Harry and Daphne Potter were gone from the wedding hall, leaving a devastated family and a media frenzy in their wake.