Authors Note: I can't really explain this, except to say that I started out, and went quite a long way, with a completely different idea in mind, and then this happened. I never imagined I would write something like this, in fact it happened quite by accident, and will not be something I do a second time.
It's a little bit…weird, and I guess touches on things some people do believe in. It is not my intention to offend anyone by presenting these things in an incorrect way; this is just what came to me. I realised in writing it that the idea was similar to something I read in a novel once. If anyone recognises that, well, I promise I will mention said story at the end.
This, would you believe, started because I wanted to write something about the episode 'singled out'…and the way the things McGee said to Tony annoyed me so much. As it turns out, this has absolutely and completely nothing to do with that. Go figure.
Kate wasn't sure why, and she wasn't sure how, but she had begun to figure out the what.
At some point, after making it to heaven, and desperately wishing she could go back and tell everyone it did exist, she had, for the most part, accepted her place there. She still had moments of anger, of course. All people in paradise do from time to time. That kind of perfection does not come without some kind of price.
Her first and most consuming anger was at Ari. He had taken her life. Cut it short. Every time she witnessed a special moment that she could no longer be a part of, she felt that rage. Even his death had not helped. Not completely. He may have been dead, but so was she. His death could not change that. And she couldn't even hate him. Where ever he had gone, (and who knows, he could have made it to heaven) she found herself hoping he had found his peace.
One thing people have to learn, in heaven, is ways to occupy their time. It was a surprisingly boring place, Kate had discovered. The majority of them filled their hours watching the living. Not surprising, really. Yet at first, Kate could not bring herself to do the same. Watching people without their knowledge or consent felt way too much like something DiNozzo would do. Temptation, however, quickly took care of that, and she was soon doing the same.
She spent a lot of time watching her family, to see how they were doing, making sure they were okay. She couldn't actually do anything about it, but it felt good to be able to watch, all the same. She had watched her funeral, absorbing every detail. She was paying so much attention it almost felt as if she was there, standing beside them, and sharing their grief.
And of course, she watched her friends. By the time she had figured out how, and gotten over her trepidation, the world around them was once again moving forward, and they had been thrown into other things. Not that they seemed to mind. She had seen a conversation between Tony and Agent Cassidy, watching as he avoided all her offers of a serious conversation, wishing he would accept. She watched conversations between Abby and McGee, and saw the way they gave each other support. Watched Gibbs as he worked on his boat, and dealt with his demons in his own unique way.
Time passed by quickly, and she witnessed the world go on without her. She had been cheering silently when Tony managed to subdue his would be dispatcher, even tied to a chair. She had stopped breathing (or whatever the heaven equivalent of that was) when Abby had realised who her lab assistant really was. And she had gone from laughing to wincing in sympathy for poor Ziva, being stuck in a box with Tony for so long. That would surely have taken her life, if a bullet had not.
The only discernible memory from the time of Gibbs coma, and the period that followed, was the moment he had quit, and the looks on their faces. She had cried silently, surprised that tears were allowed in such a perfect world.
When Ziva, Tony and McGee came walking off the elevator, Kate wasn't at all interested in whatever they were talking about. She was more interested in what would happen when they saw Gibbs sitting at 'his' desk. Their reactions did not surprise her. Ziva was predictably, and for the most part, unreadable. Tony looked, well for a second he actually looked quite angry, but then he covered that expression and could have easily been thinking about last night's date. McGee had a grin on his face that made it quite clear he was thrilled Gibbs was back. (His teeth, she noted, were just far too white. She wasn't sure what was going on with that.)
She found herself watching them more and more, after that. Seeing how things were going. Thrilled they were all back together again, even as it pained her to see their lives continue without her in it. She couldn't stop herself from wishing she was still there, still alive, still a part of that world.
The next best thing to being there, she decided, was to spend all her time watching. It could be just like it had been. She didn't watch the rest of the world, anymore. She lay on the soft grass she imagined was beneath her (heaven did have its perks, after all), and watched Gibbs and his team as they made it through each day. She simply chose to ignore that they seemed to be living their lives as if she had never been a part of it.
The faces of the people around her, those also watching the world, came and went, and she found herself wondering why. She couldn't imagine why they would not want to stay. This was her only connection to her old life. Without this, she had nothing left. Where did they go when they could no longer be with the people they loved?
A woman with kind eyes approached her, and held out her hand. She told her it was time to leave. Kate asked her why. The lady told her that the people she loved would be alright, and that she would be too. That they were finally ready to let her go, and that she needed to do the same.
Kate looked down at her friends with a smile, then turned and followed the lady towards the light. She did not look back.
A/N: As I said at the start, when I started writing this, I realised it had similar ideas to a beautiful novel I read called 'The lovely bones' by Alice Sebold. It was not my intention to copy any ideas directly from that story, and I don't think I have. I'm not sure if this has worked, and I don't know if I like it completely but I have been so stuck for so long that maybe this will be what gets me started again. Let me know what you think, anyway.