I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are
recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling
owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books
including the ones used in this story.
A/N: This is just a cute/funny one shot about two clueless boys. Hope you enjoy it and have a Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!!
"Ok. What do you think of this?" Sirius clears his throat and takes one giant step back from James's bed. "Remus, through out the dawn of time-"
"Through out the time of men."
"That's not right, Prongs," Sirius says. James shrugs and motions for him to continue. Sirius raises his arms in proclamation once again. "Remus, since, that's it, since the dawn of time…and that's all I have so far."
James purses his lips. "That's pretty lame, I'd say. Don't really think he's going to get the point."
Sirius places his hands on his thin hips. "Then if you're so suave and smart…what are you going to say?"
James stands up, and he and Sirius promptly change places. Sirius plops himself onto James's bed, crosses his legs, and looks for all the world like he's already completely unimpressed.
James clears his throat, which has become, for them, the international sign for important speech making. "Lily-"
"Where's the, the…" Sirius flops his arms around as if he's hoping his lost thoughts are hovering somewhere in the vicinity. "The pizzazz! The, you know, where's the entertainment value in this."
James glares down at him. "This isn't a play I'm putting on. This is a serious matter. Asking Lily out and entertainment does not fall in the same category."
"Alright," James yells. "Do you want to hear this or not? I don't remember your epic speech having any pizzazz, by the way. If memory serves, it was hardly even a finished sentence!"
"No need to bite my head off."
James clears his throat, again. "Lily. It has come to my attention that today is Valentine's Day, or what you refer to as The Barbaric Ritual of Idiots Loving Idiots. And on this special day, I would like to ask you to accompany me to Hogsmeade, where we will partake in intelligent conversations and butterbeer. And if your answer is no, I'd rather you not also wound my already poor battered soul." James finishes, hanging his head down in horrible misery.
"Hmmm," Sirius says, scratching his chin. "The last part was good. The part where you stopped talking?"
"You, my friend, are in no place to criticize."
"Well, dear," Sirius says, rising from the bed and prompting James to take a seat. "While you were jabbering on in that lovely monotone voice of yours, I came up with a finished speech."
"I can hardly stand the wait."
James and Sirius double over laughing. "You sounded just like-"
"Snivellus! That was awesome!"
Sirius straightens up, rubbing the water from his eyes. "Tomorrow, to cheer ourselves up from heartbreak, let's follow him around and you can make him think he's gone insane."
"Excellent," James cackles.
"OK! Back to work." Sirius clears his throat. "Remus, since the dawn of man-"
"I knew I was right."
Sirius rolls his eyes and clears his throat, again. They probably should just go get some water. "Remus, since the dawn of mankind, no, no, no, back to the original. Remus, since the dawn of time, man has searched for their soul mate."
"Oh, so he's your soul mate now, Sirius? How girly of
Sirius shakes his hair out, which he does whenever his cheeks heat up with embarrassment. "Too much?"
James nods, then smiles. "How about you just say 'mate'? You know, because you're both canines?"
"OK," Sirius says brightly. He tucks his long hair back behind his ears, and clears his throat. "Remus, since the dawn of time, man has searched for their mate. And on this day of celebrating the gift of love, I have come to you with many an offering. First-"
James groans and collapses back on the bed.
"What?" Sirius roars.
"I can already tell that this speech goes on forever."
Sirius drags his feet back to James's bed, and sinks down next to him. "We're doomed."
"Maybe we just weren't cut out for lavish speeches."
Sirius looks at him in shock. "James, all we ever do is make lavish speeches."
"Yeah, about nonsense like why clothing should be outlawed, but this is more important. This is to win our lady loves."
"Correction. Remus isn't a lady due to the fact that he has a penis."
"Sorry. Still getting used to that whole thing. You're positive right?"
Sirius nods and grins like an idiot.
"Maybe Lily was right about the true name for Valentine's Day," James murmurs, playfully slapping Sirius across the face. "Anyway, I don't think Lily'd like me to make a big deal of the whole thing. I think, I think I might actually be smart for once and do something more private, more low key."
Sirius sits up suddenly. "I got it. Oh ho ho ho! I got it!"
"I really need that red paint. You are not allowed to hog the red paint!"
James glares at Sirius's paper. "What do you possibly need red for?"
Sirius points at a brown blob. "Remus has those weird red highlights. This has to look authentic or what's the point?"
"Padfoot, I do not bloody care about Moony's bloody red highlights when Lily has an entire head of red hair."
"Wait." Sirius crawls around to properly look at James's paper. "You're copying my idea!"
"It's not your idea. You're not the first person to invent drawing someone."
"Yeah, but it was my idea to draw me and Moony."
James sighs. "Whatever," he says, trying to push Sirius back to his own side. "Here's the bloody red paint. Now go away, you're in my light."
"Wait." Sirius is one of the skinniest blokes James has ever met, yet he for some reason weighs the equivalent of two rhinoceroses and is impossible to shove.
James gives up, breathing heavily. "What?"
"What is that?" Sirius points to the corner of James's paper.
"Oh. That's me."
Sirius tilts his head to the right. "What are you doing?"
"Bowing down to her beauty," James grins. He thought that bit was brilliant.
Sirius tilts his head to the left. "It looks like you're trying to suck your own dick."
"Sirius!" James coils back, hand pressed to his chest.
"Oh, I'm sorry Madame Potter," Sirius laughs, crawling and staggering back to his side of the rug. "I didn't mean to offend your virgin ears." He laughs some more and makes a quick grab for the red paint.
James's face is one big glaring tomato. He grabs Sirius's paper, much to Sirius's screaming objectivity and holds it up. "I'm guessing the one with squiggly black worms sprouting form their head is supposed to be you?"
Sirius frowns, and runs his fingers through his real hair to assure himself that it is still beautiful and nothing like squiggly black worms. "Yes," he says.
James tilts his head to the right. "What are you doing?"
Sirius shakes his hair out. "We're you know….what's it called…Eskimo kissing."
James drops the paper like Sirius just told him he used deadly to the touch poison instead of watercolors. He looks up at Sirius. Completely disgusted. "We can't be friends anymore," he says.
James shakes his head. "Nope, no. Sorry. Not when you do things like that."
"Prongs," Sirius whines again. "It is Valentine's Day. The day of soppy and cute…things."
"Alright, fine. Evanesco!" Anything filled with paint or covered in paint lying between the two of them vanishes into thin air.
James looks down at the now clean and empty rug. "That was Wormtail's paint set," he says.
"I'm rich! I'll buy him a new one," Sirius shouts, as he stands up. "I've got money, and a really cool flying motorbike, and looks, and intelligence, and looks. But, no Moony." Sirius flops dejectedly onto his bed.
"Will you get over yourself? We're running out of time," James says. "Moony and Evans will be back from the prefects meeting in a half an hour and we're going to need something substantial and convincing real quick."
Sirius picks his head up. "Should we try the speeches again?"
James shakes his head and walks over to a pile of clothes next to his bed. He picks up a pair of jeans, inspects it, then folds it neatly on his bed. "The speeches are a lost cause."
"How about," Sirius says, sitting up and facing James. "How about we get completely naked and arrange ourselves like Greek Gods lounging about in the common room."
James laughs and throws a dirty, red Quidditch t-shirt at Sirius. It lands with perfection on top of his head, and James gets a wonderful idea.
"No!" Sirius screams, back pressed against the wall between Peter's and Remus's beds, respectively, with one of Peter's wool hats pulled over his face.
"Come on," James groans. "I'll change it back…"
"What if you can't?" Sirius yells, lifting the hat up. "What if I'm stuck with it? I'll have to shave my head and buy a wig….and did you even think about the traumatic effects that would have on Padfoot?"
"You're lucky I'm not changing you into the woman you already are anyway," James says, twirling his wand in his fingers. He takes off his glasses, and frowns. "Pweeeeese," he says, batting his eyelashes. "Aren't you my bestest mate in the whole wide world, who's like a brother to me, who always says he'd do anything to help me?"
Sirius takes the hat off and glares at James. "Any permanent damage and you're children won't be sorry because they won't ever be born."
James pulls Sirius away from the wall, mutters some few choice words, then a spell, and then Sirius's gorgeous black hair becomes fiery orange.
"Evans's is a little darker…"
"But, I'll make do. I made your eyes green to by the way, ok, let's rehearse."
Sirius's grabs Remus's bedside mirror and watches his green eyes widen. "I hate you," he says, and whether he's talking to James or his reflection, James doesn't know or care.
"Evans," James calls. "Front and center."
Sirius drags his feet over to where James is standing. "This isn't even fair," he groans. "You get to work out what you're going to do on me, but I'll still be left with no ideas at all!"
James looks at Sirius, poor red-headed, green-eyed Sirius, and smiles. "Because you're nothing but the best mate in the entire world…" James struts purposefully over to Remus's trunk and pulls something out. Sirius recognizes it immediately as Remus's favorite brown cardigan with all the holes around the cuffs. James puts it on and it's a little short and almost too small. If Remus finds out he put on his favorite cardigan, Sirius's earlier threat might come true after all.
"OK," James says, standing in front of Sirius. "I'm Remus Lupin and you're Lily Evans."
There's a long pause.
"Ew," they groan together.
"Let's both take a moment to forget about the complete life-killing horribleness it would be if they dated each other," James says.
Sirius thinks that if Moony started dating Evans, after he killed both of them and cried for a century, and escaped from prison, he'd probably see if James was willing to give it a go.
"Ok," James says. "Evans?"
"Don't call me Evans, Potter!"
James rolls his eyes. "Well, I'm not going to call you Sirius."
"No, no, no." Sirius leans closer to him and says in a whisper, "I'm Evans now. That's what she'd say, right? I'm acting."
"Oh, ok then." James straightens his back. "Lily?"
"Yes?" Sirius adopts a falsetto that sounds nothing like Lily or anything human.
"Well," James says, stepping closer to Sirius. "I was just wondering, hoping really…"
"Spit it out, Potter."
"Would you…would you be my Valentine?" James holds his hands behind his back to stop the need and desire he has to mess his hair up. He looks at Sirius with hopeful eyes.
Sirius squints at James. "I don't know, Potter. You can be a prick sometimes…"
James grabs Sirius's hand. He clears his throat with important thoroughness. "Lily, if you give me a chance, just one chance, I promise you I'll be different. You can change me, Lily. Every time you look at me, I'm ready to become a better man. I want to prove myself to you. I want to prove that I'm the one you need, because you're the one that I need. I need you, Lily. Sometimes I'm just sitting at my desk in class and I get this feeling like oxygen doesn't matter anymore because you give me life. I can change. I want to change." James brings his other hand up, cupping Sirius's face. "Please, just give me one chance. Please be my valentine?"
Sirius looks into James's magnified eyes. "James," he says. "I didn't know you were capable of such deep feelings, but…I suppose it wouldn't hurt to give you one chance."
"Do you mean it?" James whispers.
"Yes," Sirius whispers back.
James draws Sirius's face up. And they kiss.
It takes about five seconds before they snap back to reality and pull apart. "Ew," they both scream.
"Is that my cardigan?"
James and Sirius turn to the door. "Moony," Sirius gasps and he pushes James away from himself so hard James is sent flying half way across the dorm.
"Oh, God. Oh, God." Sirius runs up to Remus and grabs his shoulders.
Remus eyes travel from the top of Sirius's red head to the green of his eyes to the flatness of his chest (he's just checking). "Who are you supposed to be?" he asks, in complete amusement.
Sirius is so stressed out, he doesn't notice that Remus has a smile on his face. "I'm Lily," he shouts and shakes Remus's shoulders. Sirius clears his throat. "I'm Lily! And James is James! He was going to be Remus, but right now he's James, and that was Lily kissing James, see? Not Sirius kissing James! Sirius doesn't want to kiss James, Sirius wants to kiss Remus! Sirius wants to kiss Remus!" Sirius looks desperately at Remus as he continues to roughly shake him back and forth as if that's going to help him get his point across.
Remus brings his hands up and knocks Sirius's arms away. "Remus would kiss Sirius if he wasn't dressed like Lily Evans. Honestly, it's disturbing."
Sirius grabs his hair and grimaces. "For fuck's sake, Prongs! Change me back!"
James is sitting on the floor, mumbling to himself and ticking things off his fingers. Suddenly he springs to his feet, rips Remus's cardigan off (it makes a sound that Remus associates with the sound of his soul being ripped from his body), and waves his wand in the general direction of Sirius. "I'm off ladies. That speech was perfect" he says, messing his hair and running towards the door. "Thanks a lot, Sirius," he shouts as the door closes.
Remus turns back to Sirius. "Where does Prongs keep his money?" he asks. "I'm not one to steal, but clearly he needs to pay dearly for murdering my cardigan."
"Does Remus really want to kiss Sirius?" Sirius asks softly, peering up at Remus.
There's a peppermint humbug next to his foot, and Remus kicks it and watches it shoot under Peter's bed. "Does Sirius really want to kiss Remus?"
"Yes," Sirius says, grabbing onto Remus. "Yes. Sirius really wants to kiss Remus."
"Do Remus and Sirius have to keep talking in the third person?" Remus is really trying to come off cool and calm, but he's pretty much become a ten year old girl inside.
"Not if Remus agrees to be Sirius's valentine." Sirius moves even closer to Remus because really how could the answer be no.
Remus laughs. "Then I guess I'm forced to acquiesce to that."
"Does that mean yes?"
Remus rolls his eyes. "Yes, that means yes."
Sirius doesn't remember ever smiling so big in his life. He leans forward and rubs his nose against Remus's.
"I'm going to change my mind if you do things like that," Remus laughs, roughly pushing Sirius away.
Sirius launches himself back at Remus and presses their lips together.
Sirius Black has kissed three other people in his life. When he was five he kissed Miranda Rosier in the sandbox during his pureblood playgroup and it was weird and she had cooties and he never wanted to do it again. When he was fourteen he kissed Jackie Poppington in the Charms corridor because everyone around him (James) was going on about how great it was kissing girls and he wanted to see what the fuss was about. When he was sixteen, he kissed his best friend James while dressed up as Lily Evans and it was probably the worst experience of his life.
Kissing Moony is excellent. Their lips slide together in perfect harmony and Remus has both hands fisted into the back of Sirius's shirt. Sirius has his own hands digging into Remus's scalp because kissing isn't enough; he wants to devour him too. Eventually they pull apart when their lungs are scraping the barrel for oxygen molecules.
Remus leans his forehead against Sirius's. "I have to go down to the common room to get my books because I don't think I'll be doing any studying for the rest of the day."
Sirius grins and nuzzles Remus's neck. "Unless it's for sex ed," he laughs.
"Don't push your luck." Remus untangles himself from Sirius. "My valentine," he adds, and in a rare moment of idiotic sappiness, Eskimo kisses Sirius. They really kiss one more time and it's a preview and a promise. They walk side by side out of the dorm and down the steps to the common room.
At the bottom step, Sirius hears a familiar sound.
James is standing on one of the coffee tables, repeatedly clearing his throat, and gazing down at an extremely irate Lily Evans. "Evans," James finally calls out. "Since the dawn of time man has searched for their soul mate…"