Fred kind of lost the disclaimer that tells all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Here's just a little fun story to add to the list.
My Name is Blob
You know the kind of guy that's over seven hundred and seventy six pounds and can lift two ton trucks with his bare hands and likes monster truck races and cooking with an occasional dab into psychiatry that's not always court ordered? The kind of guy that's a mutant that didn't always go on the straight and narrow path and kind of broke the straight and narrow path. The kind of guy that don't exactly do much leading but does a lot of pounding and breaking stuff? That's me! My name is Blob! Oh wait technically it's Fred. Fred Dukes.
Well actually my real name is Frederick Jules Dukes the Fourteenth. I don't go in for titles much like that Angel guy. Makes me sound all stuck up and stuff. Fred's just fine. Or Blob. Whatever. Just don't call me Fatso. Or Blubber Butt. Or Wide Load. Or…You get the idea.
Anyway I was at home watching this TV show about this guy. I forgot his name but it's a real funny show about a guy trying to right all the wrongs he's done in his life and make things right. I think it was Ed or something. Maybe it was Carl? I dunno, but as usual TV gave me an idea.
Now as I have said before I haven't exactly been always on the straight an narrow path. I did some stuff I ain't proud of. Okay a lot of stuff I'm not proud of. And some stuff I did that was bad that I am kind of proud of.
Like the time I gave Duncan Matthews a wedgie that stuck for about twelve hours straight. That was a new record. I'm proud of that.
But there were things I'm not proud of. You see years ago I had a crush on Jean Grey. And when she didn't reciprocate my feelings I kind of went a little bit overboard. I knocked her out and kidnapped her for a date. Let's just say it went downhill from there.
Anyway I'm sitting there on the couch munching on my snack of popcorn, a block of cheddar cheese, a couple of apples (gotta have fruits in your diet!) and some other snack foods watching the show when something hit me. It was a corn chip that Pietro threw.
After throwing him through a wall my mind went back to watching the TV show and I realized that real life was a lot like that karma stuff on television. What goes around comes around or something like that. It certainly did for Quicksilver.
That's when I made the connection between me and karma and that it really existed. And if I wasn't careful it could get me in the end just like it got Pietro. Only I don't think my sister would taser me in the butt. One because I don't got no sister and two it's because I ain't stupid enough to put pink hair dye in the Scarlet Witch's shampoo.
That's when I knew what I had to do. I had to work at rebalancing the karma in my life. And the biggest thing of all was that I make it up to Jean for what I did to her. It was the only way to wipe my slate clean, karma wise that is.
The problem is I had no idea how to do it. So I went to the wisest guy I know. Spirit, one of the Joes assigned to the Misfits. If anyone could think of a smart idea and a way to balance the scales of karma, it was him. Spirit is like the wise man of the group. He's not only a great martial artist, but he has all that Native American wisdom and has some healing skills drawn down from his ancestors.
Unfortunately for me Spirit was kind of using his ancestor's healing skills on himself that day. You see he had not only had the misfortune of losing a drinking contest with Shipwreck, before that he'd had the bad luck to get in the middle of one of Trinity's experiments. Something to do with electric eels, a nine volt battery, whipped cream and mousetraps. Then again I couldn't judge the man too harshly. If I'd been stuck with Trinity in their lab for an hour and fifty five minutes in one of their mad scientist moods, I'd want a drink too so I could forget what happened.
Course I don't drink. Not cause I'm underage. I just never developed a taste for it. That's cause my Granny was real smart. When I was seven she made me taste beer and I threw right up. Then she made me watch my drunk cousin Bubba Jane for two whole hours and made me listen to her tale about just how she got that scar on her forehead. If that don't impress upon a kid not to drink, nothing will.
But I'm getting off track from the story. So even though I knew Spirit was feeling right poorly, I went to see him anyway. It was easy to track him down in the infirmary, especially since he had one leg in a cast. Course he was also a little zonked out due to the pain medication. But I had the weighty problem of karma to deal with so I went to ask him what to do.
I explained my situation and asked him. "So what do I do Spirit? How do I make it up to Jean? Spirit? Spirit? Yoo hoo? Spirit?"
"Ooohhh," He blinked at the ceiling. "Look at the light. Pretty…pretty light…"
"Spirit?" I waved my hand in front of his face. But he was out cold. "Dang! I hate it when he gives us these answers in riddles."
Obviously he was giving me one of those answers in the form of a question so I had to think about it. And I did. For ten minutes. Then I got hungry and went into the kitchen for a snack. That's when I ran into Pyro. It was his turn to feed Barney and Little C.
"All right mates! Eat your vegimites!" He coaxed them gleefully. "Down the hatch!"
"You ain't giving them that Australian stuff are you?" I asked him as I got a pre made submarine sandwich from the fridge.
"Nah it's not the real thing," Pyro waved. "They're way too young for that. It's me own creation of applesauce, crushed peaches, coco puffs and green pixie sticks. All that good stuff they need so the little tykes will have lots of energy."
"Oh that's good," I took out a gallon of milk to go with my sandwich.
"Yeah I think I got a real knack for this babysitting thing," Pyro was proud of his achievement. "Ya know when I first got here and they told me that I had to help out with watching the kids, I honestly didn't think I could do it. But it turns out I got this whole nurturing side of me that I didn't know I had."
At that moment for some reason the boys started screaming. "Oi!" Pyro said sharply. "Shut your squalling or else there won't be any chili for either of you before you go visit Uncle Xavier!"
They quieted down real fast. "See?" He shrugged. "It's a breeze. So what's on your mind Freddy?"
"What makes you think I'm thinking of something?" I asked.
"Well for starters you're eating light," Pyro pointed. "Second you've had that sandwich for a whole two minutes and you haven't taken a bite out of it. Now what's wrong old pal?"
"I am thinking of something," I told him. "I got a problem that's kind of on my mind. It's about karma."
"That X-Factor chick? What you got the hots for her and want a three way with Lina?"
"Will you get your mind out of the gutter? Not Karma! The real thing! Actual karma. You know as in the stuff you do comes back to bite you in the butt!"
"Oh, karma," Pyro nodded. "What about it?"
"Well I did some stuff that was real bad and one of the biggest things that I did was kidnapping Jean all those years ago to have a date with her. So I was thinking, I never really made it up to her. Never said I was sorry or anything."
"No wonder you ain't eating," Pyro shook his head. "I mean kidnapping Jean for a date? What were you thinking? You don't kidnap people like her for a date! You only do that in foreign countries where that sort of thing is expected in that particular culture. Like uh…Wherever that guy Borat is from or something."
"You mean England?"
"Yeah!" He nodded. "And even then you gotta ask the Dad's permission first before you do it! In fact you gotta pay him first. It's called a dowry. Or alimony. Or a pre nup. I always get those confused. I had an uncle I lived with who was always paying one of those things every time he went with a woman. He had to pay her father. No it wasn't her father. Just some guy she knew."
"No, I mean actually kidnapping Jean was wrong," I explained to him.
"Duh! Of course it was! Out of all the girls in school you had to kidnap her?" He rolled his eyes. "I thought you had better taste than that. Anybody would have been better! I knew a girl named Cross Eyed Kate that would have been better to kidnap. Don't let the name fool you, her eyes were fine. No problem with that. Turns out it was a family name. It was all that hair on her upper lip that was the problem. Wouldn't have been so bad if she combed it every once in a while."
"Pyro I mean actually kidnapping someone, even if it was Jean is wrong!" I explained. "I know that now! My problem is I don't know how to tell her I'm sorry and to make things right between us!"
"Blob you kidnapped Jean years ago," He looked at me. "Why are you all of the sudden worried about this now?"
"Cause it just got into my mind now!" I snapped.
"Oh," Pyro blinked. "That happens to me a lot too. Something happens and I don't think of it until days or weeks later. Did you go talk to Spirit about this? He's usually good with this mystic karma stuff?"
"I did but I didn't understand his answer. One of those riddle answers like Yoda says or something. It was about lights and how pretty they are."
"Well it's obviously got something to do with fire," Pyro told me.
"Pyro, you think everything has to do with fire," I pointed out.
"What's wrong with that?" Pyro blinked. "But in this case it's definitely true. Think about it. Light. Jean. A dating mishap. Candlelight. You see where I'm going with this?"
"It's simple," Pyro explained. "You set up a date for Jean."
"That's kind of how I got in this mess in the first place."
"Not with you!" Pyro groaned. "With Scott! Her boyfriend! You set up a romantic date for the two of them. That way the scales are balanced."
"Wow, that really is a good idea! Thanks Pyro. You know, sometimes you do come up with smart ideas."
"I don't know why you're surprised," He got up and went to the toaster. "I'm not an idiot. Dang it. The toaster's not working. I don't get it. It's plugged in and everything. Hand me a fork will ya? I wanna see if something's stuck down there."
After dropping off Pyro at the infirmary I went right to work. The first thing I had to do was talk to Jean and Scott's team mates. I didn't want them to think I was kidnapping them again. Plus they might give me ideas. It was easy to find them. They were in the X-Men's infirmary.
"What was Scott thinking starting that program at level six?" Kurt shouted as he held his bandaged tail.
"I don't know what he was thinking but I know he will never think that again when I'm through with him!" Rogue shouted. Her hair was all messed up and her uniform was torn. "What do you want Blob?"
"I wanted to talk to you guys about Scott and Jean," I told them. "See I got this idea…"
"Good for you," Remy quipped. "See those mental exercises are working."
"Let him talk," Kitty said. "We could use ideas on what to do with Scott and Jean. Go on Blob."
I told them about my idea and what I was trying to do to balance my karma. "I know you all probably think that karma is stupid but…"
"Oh no Blob," Remy grinned. "Gambit is thinking that karma does exist. And it is very real. Right mon amis?"
"Yeah," Bobby had a wild look in his eye. "Those two do need to learn a lesson in karma. Okay Blob we're in."
"Really? You'll help me?" I was surprised.
"Oh yes," Rogue grinned. "We'll help all right."
And that's how I got the X-Men for my plan. It was pretty amazing how motivated they were. They even insisted that they help me set up the place for their date and everything. Two days later the big day arrived. I was so excited when I went over to surprise them. But I got the surprise when I found that both Jean and Scott were out cold on the sofa.
"What happened to them?" I asked when I saw Peter unceremoniously dump Scott in a tuxedo on the couch and Rogue put on Jean's shoes. Jean was wearing this nice gold dress. I'd have told her how great she looked if she was awake.
"Oh nothing," Rogue waved a bare hand. She then put her glove back on. "Accident. You know how these things happen. You get ready for something then all of the sudden somebody touches a bare arm."
"Oh," I nodded. "That don't mean the date's off is it?"
"Nah I just gave them a light touch…I mean they'll wake up soon enough," Rogue said quickly. "Why don't you take them Blob? I'm sure they'll get a great surprise when they wake up."
So I did. I took them to a secret place. I put them in their chairs at a nice table I set up. It was a real pretty table with cloth napkins and a tablecloth that wasn't plastic or anything. It was set by a beach at night with tiki torches blazing and everything. And I had a lot of flowers and a boom box all set up to play romantic music for them. I had even cooked a nice five course meal ahead of time and I put it on these special serving trays so they'd be nice and hot for 'em.
I looked pretty good too, dressed up just like a waiter. I couldn't wait to see their faces when they woke up. In fact I decided to take their picture when they did.
"Uh my head…" Scott woke up first. "What the…?"
"Ughhh. What in the world…?" Jean woke up and looked at herself.
"Surprise!" I took their picture.
"AAH!" Jean recoiled from the flash. "Blob! What is the meaning of this? What's going on?"
"It's a surprise! Just for you two!" I told them. "Ta da! Your romantic date for two!"
"What?" Scott asked.
"You remember when we first met and I kind of kidnapped you?" I asked Jean.
"Vividly," Jean looked like she was trying to keep her temper under control.
"Well I've been feeling real bad about this and I never really made that up to the two of you so I decided to do something nice for you two! I set up a surprise date for just the two of you and I will be your waiter! Ain't that great?"
"Let me see if I get this straight," Scott looked at me. "You are trying to make it up to Jean for kidnapping her for a date by kidnapping the both of us and taking us on a date?"
"Yeah!" I nodded happily. "Well technically this ain't kidnapping since you ain't tied up and I really didn't knock either of you out this time. Like I said, it's a surprise!"
"You got that right!" Scott groaned. "Blob…"
"And it's not like nobody else don't know about this," I went on. "I mean I told Rogue and the others about this when you guys were coming out of your Danger Room practice and they said they'd be more than happy to set this up."
"Really?" Jean raised an eyebrow. "They did, did they?"
"Uh huh," I nodded cheerfully. "When I came to get you, you were already dressed up and knocked out. Rogue said you were getting ready and had some kind of accident and to just take you as you were so I did!"
"Yes it's all coming together now," Jean gave Scott a look. "I told you it was a bad idea to run that program on level six!"
"Blob, I'm just curious about one thing," Scott groaned. "Why are you doing this?"
"Like I said, I never made it up to Jean for what I did," I told him. "And I kind of figured karma wise that was a bad thing. So I decided to put it on my list of stuff to do and I did it."
"A list? Karma?" Jean blinked. "Fred this is just a shot in the dark here…but were you watching TV when you thought of this say…I'm gonna guess last Thursday night?"
"Yeah how did you know?" I blinked. "Did you read my mind?"
"No, it was just a lucky guess," Jean groaned.
"Okay I'm out of here," Scott went to get up.
"Come on Summers, give me a chance here!" I told him. "I really want to make it up to you guys."
"Blob you can't make up for a kidnapping by pulling a stunt you saw on television," Scott groaned.
"Why not? That's where I get my best ideas from," I didn't get it. "Aw please! Give me a chance. That's all I'm asking."
"Fred…" Jean took a breath. "All right. All right. We'll give this a shot."
"All right! Thank you! You won't regret this!" I was happy.
"Too late," Scott slumped in his seat.
"Now I gotta go set the music and get your first course!" I went happily to fix things up.
"He's trying, Scott. He really is," I heard Jean say.
"I know. I know. Go along with it. Besides if we don't let him do this he might try to 'make it up' to us again!" I heard Scott groan.
I knew Scott wasn't exactly full of confidence in me, but I was determined to make this a night he wouldn't forget. Course I was off to a good start on that by playing mariachi music instead of regular romantic stuff. I accidentally brought the wrong CD. But I figured I could always make up for that by melting some cheese and pouring it over chips as an appetizer and calling 'em nachos.
"Blob what is that?" Scott asked as I prepared the first course. He pointed to the machine that was making them.
"One of Trinity's inventions," I told him as I melted the cheese. "A portable microwave. No plugs needed. It's got it's own reactor built in and everything."
"Did he just say reactor?" Scott asked Jean. "As in a nuclear reactor?"
"He did," Jean sighed.
"Then that would mean…?" He began when I put down a plate of glowing green nachos over corn chips. "Jean what color are…?"
"Green," Jean blinked. "The nachos are glowing and they are green. Bright green."
"That's what I thought that color was," Scott said. "Hard to tell with these shades."
"That's odd," I blinked. "The cheese is cheddar, it's supposed to be a bright orange. Oh with little purple bits."
"Purple bits?" Scott blinked.
"I took it out of my special stash of cheese and candy blend," I told him. "It's a food invention I came up with and will someday hope to market. Imagine, the taste of good old American Cheese combined with the texture and sweetness of toffee bars! Yum! Yum!"
"Blob as appetizing as that sounds how about we move along to the main course?" Jean suggested. "I'm kind of on a diet."
"Me too!" Scott said quickly. "You know how those carbs go right to my stomach."
"Yeah you're right," I realized as I picked up the nachos and sniffed them. "I think the rock candy and saltwater taffy in the cheese is a little off anyways. Okay on to the main course!"
"I think I felt safer when he was trying to kill us!" Scott groaned as I went to get the main course.
"Scott please! Just please try…" Jean pleaded. I think she was giving him some kind of lecture using her telepathy cause Scott had that weird look on his face that he always gets whenever Jean yells at him in his head. Kind of like when you got a headache as well as diarrhea at the same time and your pinky finger has a paper cut. You know what I mean.
That didn't matter none because I knew they would never forget the main course. It was beautiful. I made one of my granny's special dishes. Chicken Ala Dukes. It's chicken prepared three different ways. First it's soaked in buttermilk and beer and twice fried for that extra crispiness. Then it's dipped in a secret hot sauce blend just like buffalo wings are only hotter and tastier. Then on top of it you drip a combination of melted blue cheese and gorgonzola cheese…Hmmmm! Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.
Then you put it over some fried spinach which is put over cheese covered French fries and there you have the greatest chicken dish known west of the border. Oh man now I am hungry! I wonder if we got any left in the refrigerator or something. And onion rings. I love those onion rings with the special chipotle sauce and everything. And barbecue flavored chips go great with a frosty Yo Joe Cola to wash it down.
Oh wait, I ain't finished the story yet. Sorry about that. I don't remember if I said it before but sometimes my mind gets a little sidetracked sometimes. What was I talking about again? Oh right. The dinner date. You wanna know what happened after I served the main course. That lovely delicious main course. It was oh so good and…Oh right. You wanna know if Jean enjoyed it right?
Well I like to think she would have if she got a chance. But no sooner than I put the Chicken Ala Dukes down on the table and tell the two of them what they were gonna eat when all of the sudden the portable microwave blew a fuse and set itself on fire! I was so startled when I turned around to see what happened I accidentally bumped the table and knocked over the candles and the fire from the candles set the food on fire as well as part of the tablecloth! It made an even bigger fire than the microwave did.
The next thing I knew before any of us could react I heard this weird hissing sound. I looked up to see what was happening when I saw these seagulls coming straight at us. Then they fired on us with lasers from their eyes. We yelled and ducked for cover. Summers blasted a few with his blasts and they turned out to be robots.
"Robot seagulls?" Scott yelled. "We're being attacked by robot seagulls? This is nuts!"
"I'll say, that wasn't part of the program," I blinked.
"Program?" Scott looked at me.
Just then a huge tidal wave formed and before we could react it crashed down on us. At least it put out the fires. "Oh man I think the Danger Room's controls are busted again!" I grumbled as the tide went out, along with the main course.
"You put us in the Danger Room?" Scott shouted.
"It was Gambit's idea!" I shouted. "He said that he would make a program especially for this date! A sixth level program."
"WHAT?" Both Scott and Jean screamed as a giant buzz saw came out of nowhere. And a whole row of flame throwers.
That's when things went kind of downhill.
About an hour later we finally managed to get out of the Danger Room. Our skins were intact but that was all that escaped. Course I have invulnerable skin so I didn't have to worry much but my nice suit was ruined and so were Scott and Jean's clothes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get clothes in my size? Can't just go to a store neither. I usually have to go to Pietro to make 'em for me which means I have to put up with his self important whining and stuff for about an hour and that's a pain let me tell you.
Oh wait I'm getting off track again. Well there we were sitting outside in the hallway while Wolverine and Storm were putting out the fire in the Danger Room. I tell you I was feeling lower than a skunk in a hole on Valentine's Day.
"I can't believe the whole dinner was ruined," I sniffed.
"Strangely enough I can," Jean remarked.
"How much you wanna bet they taped the whole thing?" Scott grumbled squeezing water from his socks. "I swear I am going to kill 'em! And I mean it this time! Don't try to stop me this time Jean! I mean it! It'll be worth going to jail to finally get some peace and quiet and.."
"Scott knock it off!" Jean snapped.
"I'm sorry," I sniffed. "I was just trying to do the right thing and make it up to you, Jean. Guess I'm gonna have to keep trying until…"
"NO!" Jean shot up. "Blob! No! You made it up to me, Fred! We're even!"
"YES!" Jean nodded emphatically. "Karma wise your slate is clean! One hundred percent across the board!"
"But the date went badly."
"So did the first one but it's the thought that counts," Jean told me. "I have forgiven you for what you did! You don't need to do anything else to make it up for me! In fact let's forget the entire episode ever happened! Please!"
"Oh okay, if you say so," I nodded. "You know it is a load off my mind. That we're friends now. Everything is a ok and we're all square and even."
"Not quite, Blob," Scott said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well you made things right with us but what about the rest of the team?" He asked. "You've done stuff to them too."
"Oh yeah," I realized that. "You're right. Dang! Now I got to think of something to do for them."
"I can help you think of a few things," Scott made a weird wild grin.
"Scott," Jean gave him a look. "I think I can help you with that."
"Really?" I asked. "You'll both help?"
"Oh yes," Scott grinned. "We'll come up with something all right."
In spite of everything some good did come out of this evening. I made things right with Jean and Scott and I think we're gonna be a lot closer from now on. Especially with all the super glue they told me to get for the other X-Men. And the mousetraps. And helping them put together those explosive ping pong balls.
You know something? It feels good to help people. I should do it more often. Just without the portable microwave.