1Koreki Birisu

2/14/2007

Ninjatech

Naruto no Jutsu Daisuke, Koreki-sensei Densetsu!

AKA The Fabulous Tale of Koreki

And her Ninja Students

V-Day Special!

NOTE:: This is a non-canon chapter based on my fanfiction, Naruto no Jutsu Daisuke, Koreki Sensei Densetsu! The original is here: is a gift to Sa'am, Amber, Z.W., and all my other ninja homies.

The sun rose quietly over Hidden Sound, birds chirping and flitting through the trees. Today, a strange aura rose over the town, for it was a special day… a very special day, in fact, as it was Valentine's day. As everybody knows, Valentine's day is a cheap excuse to get chocolate and to hit on hotties, and this particular Valentine's was no different. So when Sa'am woke up on his quilt in the corner of the room, he was very excited. He got up and ran to his mirror.

"Good morning!" He grinned, "Do you know what today is, Sa'am-2? It's Valentine's Day!"

His reflection simply copied his every move.

"Today I'm going to… get my arms around sweet, sweet Maya-san!" He gasped in rapture, tears rolling from his eyes, "Oh, love at it's sweetest… and she'll be begging me to hold her and feed her chocolates! Plus, I remembered His Godliness, he'll be so impressed when I deliver this box of chocolates to him! Well, I'm going to skip breakfast because, no doubt, I'll be bombarded with candy. Do the laundry, OK?"

Sa'am pulled two boxes of chocolate from a wooden box on the floor, tucking them under an arm. He walked outside into the morning air and sighed happily. He took a step forward and instantly ran into another body.

"Oof!" Chiso fell over backwards, waving her arms around, "Help! Help! Chiso has fallen and can't get back up!"

"CHISO, DAMMIT! Why are you in my Valentine's Day fantasy?!?"

"It appears Chiso has been forcibly injected into some sort of cheesy, holiday-themed special in order to gain attention from a wider audience and advertise the main story, while providing cruel comic relief. Please help Chiso!"

"No way!" Sa'am grumbled, "I'm not hanging out with YOU on Valentine's day."

"But Chiso wants to be loved too!"

"Chiso, you idiot, nobody loves you!"

"BOOHOO."

"Shut up. Huh." Sa'am looked around, "I wonder where Akamaru went, I brought him home with me…"

Akamaru came tearing around the street corner, whimpering and yipping as he shot over to Sa'am and hid behind him. Sa'am laughed and picked the white puppy up, plopping him on his head. "There you are! What's the matter, did a big scary cat come get you?"

Akamaru howled and put his paws over his eyes. A dark shadow loomed from around the bend, making Sa'am freeze. Slowly the shadow grew larger and larger, as a hissing voice called, "Heeeere, puppy, puppy… come to mama…"

"Sensei!"

"Yo!" Koreki stepped out. "Sista K is in da howse! Howzit hangin' mah homiez?!? The dawg, man, it be fleein' like I'm gonna eat it or somethin'! Lame out. Peace, word to yer mamma."

"Hah hah, you're in a good mood today! Are you aware it's Valen-" Sa'am gasped in horror. He hadn't bought anything for his sensei! He knew she would be pissed and tear him apart, so he stopped talking.

"Valen? Is that like Valhalla?" She scratched her head, "Wait, isn't today Candy Day the Minor? Not like in October with Candy Day the Major…"

"Yes!" Chiso managed to get upright, facing the brothel beside Sa'am's house. "Chiso has candy for Koreki-sensei!"

"WHAT!" Sa'am was astounded, watching Chiso walk in zigzags until she reached Koreki. Chiso deposited some five-cent chocolates in Koreki's hand, who immediately popped one in her mouth. Then Koreki stared at Sa'am, expectantly, holding out her hand. "Er… here, for you!"

Sa'am reluctantly handed over the box of chocolates meant for Orochimaru. Koreki squealed and ripped the top open. "Oooh, mixed. There better be no nuts… or YOU'LL BE KILLED!"

"Er, I'm sure there's none! Oh, look at the time, I've got to run. Hah!" Sa'am took off, holding Akamaru down on his head. "C'mon boy, let's visit Maya-san! She'll be so tickled…!"

"Oh Tap, you shouldn't have! Poisoned brownies, for me?"

"…I hope you choke and die." Tap growled.

"Oh, I love you too!" Maya gave him a big squeeze, "You're the best guy a girl could ever, ever ask for!"

"…going to kill…"

"Hey, there's May- oh, dammit!" Sa'am ducked behind a tree, watching the two. He frowned, "Damn that Dontglass! He's taking my woman!"

Akamaru yipped.

"I'll just have to tell Tap to lay off! HEY!" Sa'am marched over, "Maya-san! Tap."

"Oh great, what do YOU want?" Maya frowned, "You're not looking for attention, are you?"

"Actually I am! Tap!" Sa'am pointed at him, "I'm not going to take it anymore! Get away from Maya-san, she's MY Valentine! If you resist, I WILL DESTROY YOUR MORTAL SOUL with my EDO TENSEI!"

"…loser." Tap huffed, "…what's your problem anyhow?"

"LOVE! That's the problem, I have the fever!"

"You should get tested!" Maya squealed.

"If you wish… but my sweet, sweet Maya! I bring to you, on the day of love, a gift! I wish to express my deep attachment to you… please, take these expensive chocolates! Then you may kiss me." He held out the box. "My Venus."

"…Eeew!" Maya yelped, "I'm not taking your fatty treats! What do you think I am? I work HARD at being anorexic!"

"But… But Maya-san!"

"The only butt in this conversation is mine, and you ain't getting it! Hmph! Let's go, Tap!" She turned her nose up in the air, putting her arm around Tap and dragging him off. Akamaru let out a whine as Sa'am's heart broke into a thousand pieces. He grabbed his chest and screamed.

"MY HEART! AAARGH!"

"Yip!!" Akamaru leapt off his head and dragged Sa'am to the hospital.

"Oh, I wish I could convince Maya-san that I love her!" Sa'am walked back out of the hospital, bandages over his chest. "What should I do? … I know! I'll ask HIS GODLINESS."

"Hm… chocolate." Orochimaru pulled open the box Sa'am delivered, which was intended to go to Maya. He wrapped his tongue around one of the chocolates and ate it up. "Deeelicious. Now, what did you want again? Donating your body?"

"Always, sir!" Sa'am bowed at his feet, "But I came to ask a question, knowing your wisdom is deep and wide! Please please please help me, Your Godliness!"

"Hmm. Sure, I've got time."

"OH THANK YOU." Sa'am bowed some more, Akamaru falling off his head. "Okay, well… it's Valentine's day, as you know, sir! But see, I'm trying to show a girl how much I care, but she keeps blowing me off! What can I do to make her love me?"

"Brainwash her."

"WELL OFF COURSE." Sa'am shouted, "How do I do that?"

"Torture her."

"Oh, I don't know how well she'll take that…"

"Hm." Orochimaru ate another chocolate, "Mmm, peanut butter. There is one last resort… Have you heard of the forbidden technique Dorama Game no Jutsu?"

"No!"

"Here, read this and get out of my office." Orochimaru threw a scroll at Sa'am's head. Sa'am squealed, thanked Orochimaru many times, and then headed out. He pulled open the scroll and grinned, but Akamaru whimpered, putting his paws over his eyes again.

"Wow! This will be great! Let's try it out." Sa'am carefully recited the words written on the paper and threw his hands together in many symbols, shouting, "Dorama Game no Jutsu!"

There was a massive burst of smoke as neon lights flashed on. An audience cheered as a theme song played, and bells rang merrily. Sa'am was astonished as he found himself behind a stand with his name on it. Koreki-sensei leapt out of nowhere with a microphone.

"Welcome to Aiku no Jutsu, the Ninja Dating game!" The audience cheered as Koreki struck a pose, "Our three contestants will battle each other… in tests of knowledge, skill and strength! The lucky winner will receive the grand prize… a date with the beautiful, anorexic Maya!"

Maya waved and blew kisses as the lights focused on her and her overstuffed sofa. The men in the room all drooled profusely, waving like zombies. Maya giggled until the lights refocused on Koreki. She stood up, "Now, let us meet our contestants!"

"Contestant number one." Lights shown down on Sa'am as the announcer spoke, "The orphan. Found in a cabbage patch, he enjoys inhaling ramen, Maya-san's tender thighs, and stolen dogs. Give it up for Sa'am!"

The audience cheered.

"Contestant number two. This emoboy spends his time tying recreational nooses and cutting intricate patterns into the bodies of his victims. When not mutilating others, he likes bleeding. It's Tap Dontglass!"

"What!" Sa'am yelled. The audience cheered.

"…going… to… murder…"

"And finally, contestant number three. This beauty hails from the violent Mist country, once dead and now risen again. With an affinity for rabbits and knitting, may we present Haku Ha, hunter-nin!"

"Glad to be here." He smiled cutely as the audience 'awwed'.

"Now that we have met our contestants… let's play… 'AIKU NO JUTSU!" The audience went into wild applause and cheers until Koreki calmed them down with a few bows. "Okay, let us go to the first round. The Inkblot test!"

"What?" Sa'am blinked. "Oh, this should be easy!"

"Yes! All you do is tell us what you see when I show you… THIS!" Koreki whipped out a piece of paper with a large inkblot. The contestants were given a moment to think, then Koreki called, "Sa'am! What do you see?"

"I see a dish of carp sashimi."

"…blood running from a wound…" Tap muttered.

"A field of fresh flowers!"

"Well! Some interesting answers, but the answer is… IT'S A BLOT OF INK YOU STUPID BASTARDS!" Koreki threw it off at the audience, the paper shearing off someone's head. "Try THIS one!"

"An Inkblot." The contestants nervously meeped.

"NO! It's a VAGINA!" Koreki threw it off in a random direction. "The inkblot round is concluded, and so far we have proven everyone on the show is a complete idiot!"

"YAY!" The audience cheered.

"Aww MAN…" Sa'am frowned as Akamaru whined.

"The next test… this handmade, beautiful Maya decoy is under threat of attack! The contestants must defeat the rival ninjas and keep her from being hurt!" Koreki put the model in the middle of the stage, then backed away. "Get ready! Get set! Go!"

The contestants gasped as a bunch of ninjas jumped down from the ceiling. They all drew weapons and began fighting, trying to keep the Maya dummy from getting nicked. Sa'am yelped and ducked a flying kick. "WAIT! Could it be?!?"

"I'LL KILL YOU IN JUSTICE!" Maito Gai yelled, "Take this, child!"

"ARGH!" Sa'am yelled, "AKAMARU! SIC IM!"

Akamaru leapt off Sa'am's head with a howl and landed on Maito Gai's. He lifted his little back leg and piddled all over the Leaf Ninja before leaping back to Sa'am's arms. Maito Gai screamed, "IT BURNS MY EYES!"

"Hah!" Sa'am kicked him over. "Take that!"

"Switchblade CRAZE!" Tap knocked over two more ninjas, growling severely.

Haku's needles were moving so fast they made a blur. He stood calmly behind an ice wall as the ninjas tried to get through the ever-replenishing shield. The dummy sat next to him in serenity. Haku hummed, holding up the stockings he was knitting. "Maya will love these."

"NO FAIR!" Sa'am shouted, "That's cheating!"

"ROUND TWO HAS ENDED." Koreki watched as the last ninja collapsed. "The winner is… Haku Ha, my personal luuurve slave!"

"Yay!" went the audience.

"He was cheating!"

"…disqualify him."

"Hey!" Haku frowned, "I did what they asked, I kept the dummy safe, right?"

"Ten points for Haku! Contestants, return to your stands!" Koreki gave a thumbs up as they sauntered back, grumbling. "Now, for the final round… Maya herself will ask a question for each contestant! Answer correctly and get affection points! Answer wrong, and she'll hate you more than she does now! Go, Maya!"

The lights focused on her. "Thank you, miss Birisu. You're a doll!"

"Actually, I'm an alien!"

"Whatever. Let's see here… I want to ask the contestants in reverse order!" Maya giggled as the audience cheered. "So! Contestant #3. What would you say to me if I admitted my love to you?"

"I'd have to say, 'I think you've forgotten I'm gay.'" Haku calmly knitted.

"Ooooh, that's not a good answer." Koreki sniffled, "That even breaks my heart!"

"Sigh! Oooh, contestant number two!" Maya trilled, "I love you! What would you do on a date with me?"

"…first I'd get my matches and sharpen my switchblade… then I'd feed you some poisoned sushi, and while you writhed in pain, plunge my blade deep into your breast. Then I'd pin your body to the floor and set the house on fire and watch it burn slowly, until it collapsed in on itself." Tap then smirked. "Then I'd laugh."

"Ooooh, not what we're looking for, don't worry! The police will contact you soon!" Koreki laughed, "That leaves one more contestant, Maya!"

"Contestant number three…"

"THAT'S ME!" Sa'am screamed.

"…yes. I'm in a bad mood. How would you cheer me up?"

"By offering up my shoulder, for as they say, it is the best tissue in the world! If the shoulder didn't work, I'd let you rest your head in my lap, at which point I'd tenderly massage your-"

"EEEW!" Maya squealed.

"Oh, too bad! Perversity gets no points! So let us add up this pathetic circus of points, shall we?" A drum roll played. "So, the winner, with an even 0 points, no negatives, no preservatives… is… THE SECRET CONTESTANT NUMBER 4! You lucky dog!"

"What??" Sa'am looked bewildered. "Who is it?"

Akamaru barked, puffing out his chest as he leapt down and proudly marched to Maya. Maya squealed and picked him up, giving him hugs and kisses. "What a cute little boy, yes you are! My little valentine!"

Akamaru smiled a toothy grin.

"THAT SUCKS!" Sa'am cried, "This technique totally failed!"

"Hey!" Koreki shrugged, "What'd you expect? You suck at Forbidden Techniques…"

"Dammit all!"

"Well folks, that concludes our show for the day! Tune in again for 'Aiku No Jutsu!' Be blessed and have a great tomorrow!" Koreki waved as the audience cheered a final time, the credits rolling.

"I hate Valentine's day." Sa'am sobbed.

THE END!