This is probably the least original idea I ever pursued for an Office story, but hopefully I've made up for that in the sense of fundamental dis-ease. Enjoy!

The Schrute of All Evil

Pam made her way over to Jim's desk slowly, practically skipping. "So, you're actually going to do it?" she asked, completely unable to keep the amusement out of her voice.

Jim could only stare at his blank computer screen despondently. "It looks like it."

Pam shook her head and laughed in his face. He was going to have to get used to that.


Jim: Dwight has asked me to be the best man at his wedding.


Jim: And the Universe makes a little less sense for everyone living there.


Jim didn't know quite how to react. He managed to suppress the impulse to laugh, and of the seventeen or so conflicting emotions he was feeling, fear and morbid curiosity seemed to be the lead contenders. "You asked Michael first, right?"

Dwight nodded solemnly. "He said 'no way.'" After a pause, he muttered "so did Ryan."

Now Jim couldn't fight the smile from his lips. "What about your Cousin Mose?"

Dwight cast his eyes downward, it was clear this was not something that was easy for Dwight to talk about. Jim wondered if he should feel bad for being as amused by that as he was. "My family..." Dwight said slowly "does not approve of this union."


Dwight, legalistically: No Schrute has been married in the Church since my grandfather turned away from IHVH in favor of the pre-Abrahamic father-god El. It has been made clear to me that if I go through with this marriage, I will be a Schrute in name alone.

Dwight looks at the screen as though he might cry.

Dwight: Price of love.


"Wow," Jim whispered.

Dwight nodded.

Jim never claimed to fully understand the way Dwight's mind worked, especially where he himself was concerned; but he had noticed that for all the mutual antagonism, for all the hostility, Jim was the one that Dwight invariably turned to in times of trouble. A wave of nausea swept over Jim as he realized that he was probably the best friend Dwight had. That wave expanded exponentially when Jim realized that he couldn't refuse a friend in need and right now that meant Dwight.


Despite his outright refusal to be best man, Michael was more than willing to play host to the party that inevitably resulted when the knowledge became public that yet another engagement had vomited itself into existence. "Who could have really predicted that Dwight or Angela would ever be getting married..." he bellowed out to the office in general. "No one," he assured the room, "and certainly not before me."

Dwight smiled at Michael's kind introduction and pulled Angela a little closer to him. Kelly followed suit with Ryan, who closed his eyes and thought of emigrating to England.

"But if these two people can find love," he continued philosophically, "then isn't there hope for all of us? I mean, really?" The eyes of the office turned to Michael and he realized he might have overstepped his bounds again. Time for the big finish. "So, let me present for the first time ever, the future Dwight and Angela Schrute!"

Then Michael pulled the pocket radio from his jacket and switched it up full blast. After scanning through channel after channel of talk, static, and commercials, Michael finally gave up and stopped at first real song he found. If the happy couple had any problem with their first dance being to "Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps)," they gave no outward indication.

As Jim watching the whirling dervish from across the room, he couldn't help but wish the last minute effort by the Party Planning Committee could have found something harder to serve than Purple Fruit Drink. Still, he thought, there was something beautiful in seeing the two of them together.

In the same sense that there was something beautiful in watching one those deep sea creatures expel its own digestive tract to devour its prey.


Jim: If there's a word for what I'm feeling right now...

He gapes at the camera like a fish on the wall of an aquarium.


"I still can't believe you two are getting married," Jim laughed. Dwight and Angela had always tried, however unconvincingly, to keep their relationship secret from the rest of the office, it seemed odd that they'd suddenly be announcing their commitment to the whole office.

Then Dwight smiled wider than most would have thought possible and whispered the sentence so fundamentally unsettling that Jim wondered if anything would ever seem right with the world again: "We kind of have to."