PART 10; Icha Icha Breeding For Dummies


Sasuke's brain was a very mean thing. In fact, if Sasuke didn't know any better, he'd say his brain were a real person; a person that wasn't him. He wondered if perhaps he should get his head examined.

He had about three and a half weeks of Naruto-free peace and quiet. Not that that was such a bad thing. Brooding by the river happened to be his favorite hobby, though being interrupted by Naruto was always one of the best parts... maybe. Oh well. It was good that he had some time to himself to mull over his own thoughts and feelings. He'd even gone as far as to ask Tsunade-sama if there was any way to restore his clan that didn't involve screwing a bunch of girls. That sent her into an uproar of laughter. Then she told him to come back when she was sober. Shizune wasn't too happy with her, and if you thought she was pissed, you should have seen the look on Sasuke's face! His village was run by THAT?!

Eh, could've been worse. Apparently Sunagakure was run by Sabaku no Gaara. What a joke! An alcoholic as one leader and a murderous freak as another (horrible memories weren't going to permit him to think of Gaara as 'former' murderous freak like everyone else did.) A war was bound to break out eventually! Oh well. It'd give his kids something to do, granted he had some within this century.

Well, since Tsunade was about as useful as a broken limb, he supposed he had to start wracking up candidates for potential mothers, now that Naruto wasn't around to... distract him. Here's the thing, though. None of these girls struck his fancy! They weren't ugly, per se, nor were they stupid, but some of them... just, no. He took one look at Ino's flower shop and ran. He eventually ended up by the gates of the Hyuuga Clan, and knew one daughter of the head of the clan was a relatively shy girl around his age. From what he gathered, she was awfully weak for a Hyuuga, and he figured that there had to be a pretty good reason for the Uchiha Clan to have broken away from this one. Sasuke didn't really know the politics of it and he didn't want to find out. This wasn't happening.

Although, there was that awfully pretty caged bird that... no, wait. Neji was a guy. D'oh!

Anyways, Sakura. Aside from the obvious reason that she wasn't here right now, she was, as usual, a no go, simply because... because Sasuke said so, damn it! He liked Sakura, but he didn't like her. Ever. Not to mention she probably didn't feel like breeding at this age, and she was his friend. It'd just be weird.

Suddenly thinking back to Neji now, there was a girl on his team. She was awfully plain looking, though, from what Sasuke could recall. Bah, it didn't pay to be picky. He'd simply have to ask her.


Because girls found 'Heey, whatsyourface, will you bear my children plzkthx?' horribly attractive. Sasuke wouldn't do it because... because it's something Naruto would do! Sasuke prided himself in having more common sense than at least Naruto! Not that having common sense was going to restore his clan. Suspecting that he was probably G-A-Y bi-curious also wasn't making this situation any easier.

He missed Naruto... sort of.

A lot.

But he wasn't going to admit that to himself, though he kinda just did. Oh well, he could always selectively forget that this session of brooding ever happened. There were some scenes in his mind where Itachi's death didn't go as planned, thus Sasuke would forcefully forget them and instead think of his brother's head roasting on an open fire. Then that burning cranium would explode, and a bunch of random, giggling school children would show up and go 'Pop goes the weasel!' Sometimes, Sasuke loved having a sick, twisted mind.

It probably wasn't healthy to be taking pleasure in Itachi's death long after, well, Itachi's death; however, he owed a world of hell and suffering to his shit-faced bastard of a brother, so he'd take as much pleasure as he wanted.

That's what was wrong with him! Sasuke'd sought pleasure in the thought of his brother's death for so long that his body completely forgot how to be sexually aroused near women!

Yeah, women. He's gotten pretty hard near Naruto, though. Wait, no, there was... nah. That didn't count. Even though Sakura had been getting naked, Naruto dominated that memory.

Sasuke squinted and blinked a few times, taking a gaze down at his reflection in the water. Somehow, this stupid little bridge was starting to lose its appeal. He could no longer see Itachi's reflection in his own, so there was no use throwing stones at it. The difference was that Sasuke just wasn't evil. Tried as he did, he just wasn't evil. He may have betrayed his village and joined sides with the enemy at one point, but he had no intention of taking his power and using it against his home. Konoha was his home, no matter how many dirty looks he may be shot on a regular basis, no matter how empty it felt here without his parents, his clan, his team. Naruto.


Naruto wasn't gonna stop invading his mind, was he?

A fine mess Uchiha Sasuke had gotten himself into this time.


"Don't ask me any questions. If I choose to speak, all I need you to do is listen."

"All right," said Kakashi, thumbing through his book as he and his former student trekked through the deserted back roads of Konoha. It didn't seem like Kakashi was was in the mood to listen to what anyone had to say, especially since he was on Chapter 19. One of the best parts was coming up, hehehe. As any good Jounin instructor fortunate enough to have a good old friend back, Kakashi was all ears for the boy who chose to confide in him. Who knows? Sasuke may have even have something more juicy and entertaining to say than his book. Not likely, but...

"There's something wrong with me."

Kakashi was listening, but he could've fooled anyone, buried in that book as his nose was. Having his attention divided so evenly between his book and Sasuke was no problem at all, though. He was a skilled man, that Kakashi.

"I need to restore my clan," said Sasuke, as if Kakashi had never heard that one before. Kakashi flipped a page in Icha Icha and kept walking along. If the younger boy didn't know any better, he'd say he were being ignored, but this was Kakashi. This was just how he was.

"Mmm, interesting," said Kakashi, and you could almost see the mischievous smile in his eye. Whether he was talking to the book, or Sasuke, or both, the world may never know.

"But I have... girl issues?"

"Plenty of girls are after you. Pick one."

Again, Sasuke couldn't tell whether Kakashi was speaking to him or the book, but now you could see the laughter in the man's eye. What the hell was his deal, anyway?

Sasuke chose to approach this remark as if Kakashi had been speaking to him. "I can't just pick one. What if I pick the wrong one! I refuse to have offspring with-with pink hair, distorted limbs, or Nar... err," said Sasuke, a blush he thought he'd ditched for good now making itself know. Damn it! Boys his age don't blush! This is nonsense. Madness! He... just wasn't raised right, that's all. Itachi's fault once again!

He had to check around the corner for fangirls, too. Sasuke plus Blush equals Dogpile, or in his case Angstophile pile. It even rhymed.

Kakashi flipped on through his book. Well, at least one of them was taking his dilemma lightly.

"Actually," Sasuke went on, deciding that if he didn't at least say what was on his mind, it was going to be more difficult to figure out in the long run. "It's not that I don't want just any girl."

"It's that you don't want any girl, period," said Kakashi. Every drop of blood in Sasuke's blood froze. He was really going to say that? Well, it sounded... it sounded exactly right. And there was nothing wrong with that! Plenty of guys didn't want to commit themselves to a life of horror, of squealing girls that only wanted him for his good looks and his awesomeness. And what's more, Sasuke had better things to worry about than taking care of a bunch of whiny, pregnant women! Of course he didn't want them! He just wanted the babies! All he needed now was a way to cheat around the commitment, and hopefully even the sex part.

"Yeah, that's exactly right. What do I do?" said Sasuke.

"Ask Tsunade," said Kakashi.

Sasuke pouted. "Already did. She was no help."

"Hmm." And Kakashi finally shut his book and shoved it away into his pocket. The good part was over, so Sasuke was suddenly more interesting.

"Tell me one thing, Sasuke. What role does Naruto play in all this?"

Sasuke's face dropped from a pout to a frown. "I told you not to ask any questions."

"If you can't answer then I can't help you."

As if to take this statement into serious consideration, Sasuke did stop to think for a moment. What role did Naruto play? Well, that's easy. Naruto, as usual, played the pain in the ass that always got in his way! What's more, this time around Sasuke couldn't bring himself to go to great lengths to stop it. He hadn't invested the same amount of devotion toward restoring his clan as he did toward killing Itachi, so separating himself from Naruto again wasn't the answer. At least, not the answer he wanted. He didn't want to hurt his friends with his difficult decisions any longer. However he did this, he'd have to do it with Naruto, even if he was in the way.

"Naruto's a pain in the ass. A moron," said Sasuke.

"And?" said Kakashi.

"And... " and indeed. There was no and, at least, there was no and Sasuke wanted to discuss with Kakashi at the moment. "... and that's it."

"Is it? Or are you just not ready to say what's on your mind?"

Sasuke started to shout. "Stop asking me questions!"

With that, Kakashi lost interest in Sasuke's nonexistent will to speak his mind and went back to his book, this time ignoring him. The boy wasn't ready. He needed more time to brood.

And that was how Sasuke failed at his very first attempt to admit that he wanted Naruto.


A/N: I need to shut up and stop saying Sasuke's one of my least favorite characters, especially since I enjoy writing about him so much.

Anyways, yay this chapter came out fast. O.O I'm so excited for NaNoWriMo that I can't stop writing. I can't start my novel yet, but I've been writing other things. OMG, I'm addicted to writing, help meeee!

Anyways, I'm making an effort to review every fic I read now, so I hope I'll get some loving in return. -sparkly chibi eyes of doooom- Please give us some lovin', even if it's not me you really love, but Bob the Brain. He torments Sasuke better than I do.